Husband doesn't like me to invite DD's friends to house for play dates

[cellardoorie]

My DD is 4 and goes for a school nursery. There are a lot of school events on, where I've met various parents and their children through the school year.

DD has some friends, I have friendly chats with the parents regularly. There have been many birthday parties too etc. it's all seeming quite familiar.

DD goes 5 days a week and often parents ask to do play dates.

Sometimes we go to the park or whatever but sometimes I would just quite like to have play dates at home. I find it more relaxed and I also have a younger DD. It makes it a bit easier all round.

Apart from my H who doesn't want to have people over, ever. I've only hosted one play date with school friends.

We know a couple down the road who also have kids the same age and we've gone to theirs and they've come to ours a few times too. He also gets annoyed about it.

Anyway, I get it that he doesn't want people in the house every weekend. But occasionally it shouldn't be such an issue ? I remember having friends round pretty much constantly as a child and loving it. It was just what we did. Our parents didn't constantly take us out to activities and parks etc. our friends would come or we would go to their houses and just play together.

What does everyone think ? How do you handle a partner who can't be bothered to have people over ? But also doesn't want to go out on play dates much ?

They do if like most people you socialise with other parents in your child’s year group

Exactly, what a misery and selfish.
No thought for anyone else.
Tell him she is having friends over occasionally.

They are strangers to him. But so is everyone that he hasn’t bothered to get to know. By his reasoning, you’d only ever be able to mix with the people you already know.
Your daughter is allowed friendships and part of forming those friendships is playing together outside school. He’s an adult who can go out if he doesn’t like it. Trying to arrange it when he’s out or giving him notice so he can go out is reasonable. Never hosting your friends or your daughter’s friends because he doesn’t like it is not reasonable.

What did your husband expect when you decided to have a child together?

Did he really not understand the very basic structures of socialisation for a child? Does he truly want your daughter to grow up isolated and lonely and socially insecure?

I would divorce a man who actively wanted to restrict and limit my child’s quality of life.

Honestly, its not his decision. I arrange play datea for my kids, at no point do i ask my husbands permission. It doesn't effect him, ideally he goes out at the time of the play date

Yes, this.

His attitude seems to be that it is his house and therefore he gets to call the shots. Does he realise that 3 other people live in the house and compromises need to be made? What will he be like when the DC are teenagers?

This is very very unfair on your child. Very selfish.

I don't love having people in my house either but surely when you have children you tolerate it for their sake?

It's not a safety thing, it's a control thing entirely

Your poor child

I think it’s incredibly important to teach children how to socialise and build friendships. A part of that is hosting people in your home and showing your children that you can build friendships with other adults. I would honestly ignore my husband if he wanted to “ban” me from inviting people round. I don’t won’t my children growing up to be isolated loaners.

Do it when he's not there and he doesn't need to worry

I adore kids, but....i wouldn't want house with kids EVERY weekend...once every other week maybe...i still need down time at weekend.

I live in fear of the home playdate, hate it so he’s not unreasonable on that score. Buuuuut you suck it up for your kids.

Social networks are very important for all your family's future. The chances of a parent being a thief are negligible. Lovely you live in such a friendly community.

You'll have to sit down and ask him how he'd like to negotiate a compromise. I can be very introvert so understand not wanting people in his space but as long as it's not all the time surely he can make other arrangements on occasion if he doesn't want to be there.

This is a tricky one. I think i do have some issues relating to things like this. It's something i never thought much about until now it has come up.
One thing being we haven't done much at home at all, some of that being we don't have people to invite anyway. Or have but haven't done it.
I did used to have a friend dropping by she took it upon herself and i guess in a way that helped me deal with it.
Also that kids can change friends pretty quickly at that stage.
And I didn't want lots of people knowing where our home is and what it looks like, maybe that sounds weird. I don't know.

I think your DH has some valid points but then it is your home too and your DC's, so you need to if possible find a way of where it can work for all of you.

This is something quite a few started to do it seems, the whole birthday in the park kind of thing.
On my own not something I would want to do, so in that case, I think a couple at home is much better! For things like birthdays etc.

He’s being unreasonable but perhaps you can reassure him that you’ll keep the play date short- 2 hours is long enough at 4/5 and keep it quite structured so the house isn’t trashed.

Give the adult a cup of coffee and a biscuit, set up a few activities ( preferably in the garden) and send him out and about while he gets used to the idea. Maybe he thinks it’s like a dinner party where you all have to sit together and talk constantly? It’s an opportunity for him to do other stuff.

And certainly remind him that teaching your child social skills is really important. He might even gain a few.

Quite!
I mean in my earlier reply i have said i am not good with these kinds of things, nor have I tried yet.
But we stay pretty much for an hour playing after school. And my DC has been to birthday parties. Although he hasn't had one yet, a party to me means like all the others do, the whole blimin class invited etc, I can't cope with that.
They hire somewhere.
So I'm thinking for the next one to hopefully get a couple at home to do savoury food and cake with.

My DH is a bit like this, especially when the children are toddler or pre-school age. Partly because it wasn't something people did when he was a kid, they just played at the park, so he had no experience of it so didn't think it was necessary. Partly because children that age tend to come with parents (for obvious reasons!) and it meant having to socialise with people he barely knew and had little in common with. Coupled with working full time and this being his downtime it was too much.

We did try it but had a few bad experiences with people from nursery where the kid would make a huge mess and the parent wouldn't do anything about it or badly behaved kids not being acted upon. After the one where the mum just didn't go - stayed for hours. Think she didn't want to be on her own with her child! After that we went back to meeting at the park or soft play for play dates.

Ironically the one time we had a preschool kid for a play date without parents (as they had an appointment somewhere else and we'd offered to help out with childcare) it went really well - the kids played, DH enjoyed them playing and helped them with some things, there were no problems with boundaries or having to be sociable as the parents weren't there!

Now at junior school age he's very pro-play dates as the kid(s) come round, DD enjoys herself, little adult interaction is required and the parents don't stay so there isn't the same expectations around being sociable.

So I'd say give it time and it's easier when the kids are older.

Safety thing? A four year old? How absolutely stonkingly mean and ridiculous. He’s just a miserable controller, denying your dd playmates. She’ll really resent him when she’s older if this carries on - how to alienate her in one easy lesson.

This is a tricky one. I think i do have some issues relating to things like this. It's something i never thought much about until now it has come up. One thing being we haven't done much at home at all, some of that being we don't have people to invite anyway. Or have but haven't done it.

There is nothing tricky about it.

When you have children you undertake to bring them up in the very best possible circumstances you can manage, according to the prevailing environment and custom and culture.

Depriving children of opportunities to entertain and be entertained by friends isolates them from their peers. Isolating a child is sheer cruelty - in any culture.

If a person knows they will be unable to meet a child’s needs for socialisation they should think very hard about bringing any child into the world.

No what many used to say is for sleepovers etc it wasn't ok. This is not a new thing. I went to school with kids who would never of been able to have sleepovers etc. To an extent I think this is not the worst idea, when you don't know the parents/who else might be in the home.

Surely, if it is a safety thing, better he is there to ‘protect’ his family rather than you invite people round when he isn’t there!

Garden 😆 is that to say all of us with kids have our own houses or ground floor flats, I wish!
We only have a badly designed poky kitchen/sitting room. We don't even have a sofa for people to sit on.

Another thing that has put me off visitors is my neighbour below sitting on the front door step whenever people turn up smoking day and night I feel embarrassed. She has lived in her own flat before not in a house in flats, so obviously doesn't deal well with having a communal door.
They will also answer my bell for me.