DH has become totally unsupportive of my career / business

[SparklyGreenKoala]

I have been a SAHM for a while and with my youngest a few years into primary school, I decided to start my a business with a friend.
It’s a business where the bulk of the work will need to be done during the weekends, so I am out most of Saturday and Sunday but this also means I am completely present the other 5 days.

At first, my husband was very supportive but he has become increasingly dismissive and patronising, because the business hasn’t yet turned a profit. It’s only been going for 3.5 years and it will take time to become established and profitable; He thinks it’s a waste of time and that I should do something else, but I love what I do. I get so much satisfaction from my work, I couldn’t imagine doing something else.

However, his main gripe is he doesn’t have the weekends free to himself and he is carrying more of the burden than me. I have tried to ignore this but he just becomes very shouty, accusing me of having a jolly whilst he has to deal a job he hates.

I accept, it’s not going to be easy, and I have arranged a cleaner to come on Friday afternoons, so there is no house work for him to do on Saturday mornings. However, the complaining hasn’t stopped and he has started to involve the wider family.

Am inbeing reasonable in asking him to support me.

Is wanting some free time after having been at work all week really a bad thing? Surely most people want that?

the OP gets plenty of “downtime” in her week and generally the MN consensus is down time should be pretty fairly shared amongst parents.

Did she just marry him as a walking wallet?

No that's their take home. The company isn't making profit but the employees are all on 12k. Which isn't taxable. So that's really not a bad takehome pay. Factor in OP is probably also doing all the school runs, housework, life admin. DH has to look after the kids during the day at the weekend 30 weeks of the year. Most parents have to look after their kids at the weekend.

If OP took on other part time work for only during school hours, term time only she wouldn't be able to do all the household tasks so hed have to contribute to housework and childcare. Or she could take on other full time work which may earn more but again, he would have to take on housework and childcare.

Seems like as an adult and a parent he has no choice but to contribute towards the house he lives in and care for the kids he fathered 🤷‍♀️

At the end of the day your husband is telling you he doesn’t want to work full time and look after the children all weekend. That’s entirely reasonable.

I’m struggling to see what is weekend only which is a serious business. I might be wrong. I’m tired and my imagination lacking today. Feel free to correct.

If there’s no way around working weekends then at the end of the day it’s your decision. The husband or the business.

Goodluck

Apparently so.

You have again mis-read the post.
It clearly says 'every evening' not early evening.

You seem to be making up a narrative to suit your assumptions.

Clearly your DH doesn’t think that 12k salary is worth him having to do all the parenting during the weekends for roughly half the year.

Perhaps if it was more spread out, like you worked all year round but just a Saturday or you worked every other weekend then he’d feel differently about it? Or maybe not. If he’s such a high earner he may feel that 12k a year is not worth it for him to essentially lose any family time/personal down time, despite the fact that you are doing something you enjoy. How much of the weekend are you actually away?

I do see his point of view - and I am in a seasonal area and a large part of our business is seasonal and weekends, so I do understand OP that you kind of have to roll with it and the summer is pretty exhausting but that’s where we make the majority of our profit.

Can you do anything to minimise the impact, such as get some staff to help out or not book work every weekend? Obviously this impacts your bottom line, but if your DH isn’t on board then it depends what’s most important - the money or your marriage?

You're assuming OP is doing 100% of the work on weekdays but is it more like 60-70%? Even with SAHM, Dads usually participate in evening routines, bedtime etc.

But even if OP does 100% on weekdays, then both DH and OP have a FT job on weekdays, so weekend work should be shared 50-50.

Anyway, as PP said there isnt really much to be done as SAHM of older kids once your kids are past difficult young ages. Its really only tiring if you're doing it on top of a FT job or if you have SEN kids. Otherwise for older kids there's so much downtime in the school day and homework time after school.

If OP took on other part time work for only during school hours, term time only she wouldn't be able to do all the household tasks so hed have to -> it would be the same, DH would still be paying for the cleaners multiple times a week like now

I agree that the main issue is DH working all week and then looking after the DC all weekend.

However, it's also about profit and salary. DH hates his job. If OP's business had grown to the point that it was (ever) bringing more than 12K into the family coffers, then this would have given him more options in terms of being able to swap to a lower paid job or even work part time himself. As it is, OP is happy with the status quo and he is not, and he has no ability to change it because the family is reliant on his earning power.

Incidentally, by my maths, even assuming that OP does school runs (and since her youngest is at least Year 6, that's not a foregone conclusion, in an average school week during the summer months DH is likely to be spending a very similar amount of time to OP with the household/child related jobs. A number of posters have said that the household/childcare work shouldn't be devalued. Surely this counts for both?

OP I think it is up to you to decide what you want and how much you and your other two friends believe in your business. Can you imagine if you'll give up now, your two friends will buy you out and within two or three years they will start making a real profit from the business? Will you ever be able to forgive yourself and your husband for it?

I think if you managed to get to a point where all three of you earn 12k a year each, have no business loans to pay back, earn money to reinvest in the business and you like it, there's no point to give up on it. I can't see how you'll forgive your husband and yourself in the future if the business will really start making a profit after you gave up on it.

I'm not sure who your husband is. He may genuinely miss your presence during weekends. He may genuinely want for you to have a job, but only a job when you work the same hours as he does and your kids are at school.

Or he's abusive towards you and he was ok with your business while you had no chance on making a profit from it. The moment he realised you may make a profit from it in the future, he won't be able to control you with money anymore, he changed his attitude towards it. Now he's mocking you and making you feel useless.

You need to figure out who your husband is. Because you may give up your business now, find something else, work the same hours as he does and the moment you'll start earning he'll be unhappy again. Or if he's working hours will change, he'll expect you to do the same.

Don't be surprised that half of mumsnet's hate you. Most of them hate wealthy people, because they have money and an "easy" life! They also hate disabled and homeless people, basically everyone who has a worse or better financial situation than them.

She doesn't do all the housework. They have a cleaner come twice a week. And he does contribute to childcare already, by solo parenting over half the weekends a year. He would actually do less if she got a part-time job during the week. Sounds like it's the OP who is actually a bit light on contributing towards the house she lives in and the children she created.

And exactly how is the OP "a bit light on contributing towards the house she lives in and the children she created"? She was a SAHP for a time, presumably by mutual agreement because there was enough money to support that. She currently brings in, averaged over a year 1000 a month.

Presumably she has raised her children on a daily basis and been part of an active partnership in the process. Or do only financial contributions count ?

If her DH hates his job is it the job itself? The particular environment? People in high paying high powered jobs have options to move around a bit - old boys networks still exist and if he's good at it as his apparent financial success suggests, why can't he do something about it? Or is he martyring himself and by extension his DW because "lifestyle" ?

He has explicitly stated he wants time to himself, not time with the OP, or as a family.

If things aren't working on either side, a compromise should be discussed and implemented rather than just drawing battle lines and stopping about it as the DH appears to be doing.

This

If you haven't turned a profit and it's been more than 2 years, it's a 'hobby', not a business.

Sorry no - it’s not 12k for 52 days. It’s £12k for the year. That’s her annual salary.

Yet you haven’t after 3.5 years.

If OP takes home 12000 from it, it's not a hobby, it's paying wages and to two other people. Profit may come later, and not much later at that if the sweet spot can be achieved by a little bit more effort at this stage.

This I’m afraid OP. You’re being massively unreasonable. Find another hobby you can do during the five days your children are at school

Presumably though OP does all the parenting during the school holidays and I would also assume she does a minimum of 2 hours a day when her DH is at work. That’s probably even at least to 30 weekends a year.

I agree with you about the housework since they have a cleaner 2 days a week. And of course it’s true if she worked in the week then her DH wouldn’t have to do as much solo weekend parenting.

@WiseKhakiGoose I think a lot of people, like in your post, think running a business is like playing high-stakes poker, with a sudden huge crash or payoff. The truth is that for solo business owners, it's more predictable 99% of the time. "Self-employed" is a better label than "businesswoman".

As a self-employed seller, if you hang around for long enough, and go with seasonal demand, you'll make a profit. Anyone who sells ice cream on summer weekends, or hot chocolate on Christmassy evenings, will be very rich x (x = insert number of summer weekends / Christmassy evenings) days of the year. The issue is that there's a ceiling to these earnings.

Next, based on the amount of time she still spends on the ground after almost 4 years without being able to delegate or outsource even at minimum wage, OP seems to have a very linear (rather than scaleable) business model, i.e. put in xyz more hours to sell more ice cream = get xyz more money. This is often the problem with service-based businesses as opposed to product-based businesses.

Even without a scaleable business model, and with a seasonal income, if you're in a position to invest a lot of (1) capital (money) and (2) time in it, you could scale and it could eventually become passive income for you. Passive means you don't have to be there – that's the "making millions" fantasy OP talks about.

However, OP doesn't have lots of time (weekend time that is) or money (of her own – I think 4 years of funding from her DH is enough and beyond what most bank loans or angel investors would provide) and again her model seems to be both seasonal and linear.

Even if OP was young and single, the advice would be to get a job the 5 days out of the week when she wasn't doing anything (let's not pretend SAHM to older kids who are at school half the day is that demanding). That way, she can sustain her own lifestyle and weekend business instead of throwing her husband's earnings into it for 4 years.

I don't think everyone is telling her to quit outright, but to look for alternatives and make some tweaks.

I am going with YANBU - because the husband was supportive in the beginning and it was not something he was blindsided by. He was aware of the weekends being sacrificed and necessary child care on his part involved but wanted to see $$$$ profit to make it worth his while. Agreeing to go along with it was a commitment- especially as the poster is in partnership with two other people and has signed loans. She can’t just pull out like that.

Some small businesses can take about 5 years to pay back start up costs, especially if the business had to invest in a lot of assets such as expensive equipment or cars initially to get going. The fact that loans and wages are being paid is encouraging and it’s a decent wage pro rata. They have moved from making a loss to breaking even. The OP seems confident they will move into profit soon.

I get the impression the husband would quickly change his mind if she was making a lot of profit on top of the wages she was earning as well.

Would suggest perhaps that you go on family holidays in Autumn / Winter preferably in a warm / sunny overseas destination? Or ask DH to take annual leave single days in the week for you both to have time alone together hanging out or dating.

I feel sorry for you that you’ve had such a pile on!

Lots to read and I will. I am slightly disappointed with the general response from users. There are other threads where women have decided to go to university and their husbands have been flamed for being unsupportive. What I am doing doesn’t require the same commitment of a university student.

I think the problem with this analogy is that a university course would generally involve you being at lectures, tutorials etc during the week and leave you free at weekends and during vacations so you could have more family time, particularly in the spring and summer.

A uni course is also usually over in 3 years.

I think you need to explore a middle ground OP by investing in a part time worker, or working with your business partners so you get half your weekends back.

If your two fellow business owners also have children and partners aren't they in similar situations?

The difference with women who have gone to university is that it’s to further their careers or to begin a new one. If their new career turns out not to make any money then presumably their husbands would also be asking why they’re still doing it. 3.5 years is a long time to be slogging after a business not making any money, and especially when it takes up all of your family time. Your husband is working 5 days a week then does all of the childcare all weekend. That is not fair.

This sums it up well.

3.5 years and no profit… it’s not really a job if you aren’t making money is it. Your husband is bringing all the money in.

Also you’d surely spend no time as a family???

A uni course also has a fixed end point at which time it would be reasonable to expect the student to get a job with higher earning potential (presumin g this was the point of doing the degree in the first place). The issue here is that there no fixed end point and no indication of when the earning potential might come to fruition. Its more akin to someone who studied for a degree and decides they quite like studying so then studies for another degree and then another, and never quite gets to the point of earning anything.