DH has become totally unsupportive of my career / business

[SparklyGreenKoala]

I have been a SAHM for a while and with my youngest a few years into primary school, I decided to start my a business with a friend.
It’s a business where the bulk of the work will need to be done during the weekends, so I am out most of Saturday and Sunday but this also means I am completely present the other 5 days.

At first, my husband was very supportive but he has become increasingly dismissive and patronising, because the business hasn’t yet turned a profit. It’s only been going for 3.5 years and it will take time to become established and profitable; He thinks it’s a waste of time and that I should do something else, but I love what I do. I get so much satisfaction from my work, I couldn’t imagine doing something else.

However, his main gripe is he doesn’t have the weekends free to himself and he is carrying more of the burden than me. I have tried to ignore this but he just becomes very shouty, accusing me of having a jolly whilst he has to deal a job he hates.

I accept, it’s not going to be easy, and I have arranged a cleaner to come on Friday afternoons, so there is no house work for him to do on Saturday mornings. However, the complaining hasn’t stopped and he has started to involve the wider family.

Am inbeing reasonable in asking him to support me.

Absolutely this.

I honestly can't understand why people can't see this. All those supporting OP would genuinely give up any family life, any free time at all, for six months of every year, for 3.5 years, without complaint? Knowing that the person they're supporting in their business has the bulk of five days a week completely to themselves?
I'm not buying it.

It’s really going to depend on whether this business will be profitable in time. I am not entrepreneurial at all so I’m not coming at this with personal knowledge. I assume you have a business plan? Are you able to get advice from someone who could do an accurate forecast of future profits? I expect if you could your husband might take you more seriously.

From his point of view this is a hobby that massively disadvantages him. He picks up your slack whilst also holding down a well paid job he doesn’t enjoy. I earn the same PT whilst also being a SAHM and am here every weekend and evening. He is thinking why the fuck aren’t you doing similar?

So if you work 2 days a week, 30 weeks of the year for 12k. You're on 200 quid a day. Which really isn't bad, if it was a full time job you'd be on about 50k a year.

I don't actually think that's bad for a part time job.

That would depend if it’s 12k net or 12k gross. Are there overheads being paid out of that?

No, she can't do it. What's the point to work part time for 14k a year with no future growth, if she can do the same for 12k a year? Especially if money is not an issue for her husband and she actually likes her job? Or everyone should suffer and hate their jobs? Otherwise, it's impossible to live?

OP would have earned 36k a year now from her business if she would have worked on it full time, along without two of her friends.

This isn’t a competition on whose life you would like more, although clearly many posters would like to love OP’s life or they woudn’t be so angry.

You’re forgetting school holidays. Not to mention the years of solo parenting. When DH didn’t need to lose a wink of sleep or worry about taking days off for sick kids.

The question is whether it’s reasonable to set up a business that takes you away from the family over the weekend for half the year, to which the answer is of course.

along = alone

She was not solo parenting for all those years. She had a husband who was home every evening and at weekends.

When DH didn’t need to lose a wink of sleep or worry about taking days off for sick kids.

Why assume that he did none of that? My husband got up to the kids in the night, and he and I took turns to take time off to care for sick kids.

Why is everyone hell bent on ignoring the fact that the DH isn't having reasonable discussions but being dismissive patronising and shouty? This points to major communication failure on his part.

He is also involving wider family - if he wants time on his own, why can't he organise that himself enlisting their support or is he amassing support for him to leave the OP ? Is there something else driving his motivation?

Does he do all the chores and parenting every evening as soon as he walks through the door? Highly unlikely from what the OP has said.

He hasn't apparently said he wants quality family time, or to have dates with the OP.

I am really beginning to think the money / business issue is a bit of a red herring.

I can see why you wanted to start a business and reclaim your identity after being a SAHM for several years. I think your husband should be supportive of that. He is probably so used to you doing the overwhelming majority of childcare that he is finding it difficult to adjust.
It seems that you are making some sort of profit.
It seems a shame that your business couldn't occur on weekdays, then there would be less conflict all around. It would be easier to arrange wrap around childcare.
I do hope you can work something out that suits all

It would GENUINELY be hilarious if this turned out to be a gender reverse. I think we'd be seeing Olympic level flip flopping from 2 posters.

Why is everyone hell bent on ignoring the fact that the DH isn't having reasonable discussions but being dismissive patronising and shouty?

Maybe he's been trying to have reasonable discussions for a long time, got nowhere, and finally flipped.

All OP 's supporters here have, based on no evidence at all, assumed the worst of this man.
Personally I think that a man who has given up his weekends for 3.5 years to support his wife, is unlikely to have been a hands off dad in the past. And I'd imagine that this arrangement has been discussed reasonably often.

I haven't assumed the worst of this man. I've repeatedly said that may be there's more to it but that lack of communication and the style of what little there is seems to be a big issue that needs addressing.

The framing of the OP as some kind of entitled gold digger who has never brought anything of value to the marriage is equally objectionable.

I'm just really curious about what it is you do.....

Something to do with weddings
Face painting
Ice cream van

I don't think you are being unreasonable for wanting to do what you enjoy but I think you are binge unreasonable to be doing very little in the week and then getting a cleaner!! What do you honestly do in the week?!

My husband has worked a lot of weekend days throughout our marriage (1 or two weekend days most weeks) and I have found that really hard and as a family we missed out on a lot.

Sorry but YABU - it's great you have a business but I wouldn't be happy if my DH got a job requiring him to work weekends, unless we desperately needed the money. Weekends are precious for family time, me-time for your DH and you, getting things done together etc. Can you not employ a 4th person part time to do say, every other weekend?

You have loads of time presumably while your DC are at school; your DH who it sounds like is working in a highly paid job which comes with stress should get some down time at the weekend.

I doubt it very much as OP would 100% be working a lot in the week with suppliers etc if she were a wedding planner, surely?

The question is whether it’s reasonable to set up a business that takes you away from the family over the weekend for half the year, to which the answer is of course.

maybe it is "of course" in your family but it certainly wouldn't be in mine - and I suspect in a lot of families. Especially if it isn't for the kind of money that can transform a family's opportunities - which this isn't. the dh is entitled to want a change after 3.5 years of this.

I completely agree. Over the summer as well - it would totally suck!

Not really. A friend of mine is a wedding planner and she's once told me that she usually works 2-3 hours per day during the week, max. And she's alone, OP is running her business with two others.

I agree and that is based on what @SparklyGreenKoala has written, ie her perspective. Her DH has not been able to write his perspective which is v likely to be different.
Some posters are totally inflating her role as a SAHM for 10 years into 'household management' and assuming that she does all childcare/ bedtimes, etc and that her DH has done nothing in terms of child rearing and housework. She hasn't said this and it doesn't sound at all likely. Indeed, she has had a cleaner twice a week and the DH is clearly more than capable of caring for his own DC as he has been doing this alone half the weekends for the last 3.5 years.
Apart from that, the OP herself sounds dismissive of her DH's feelings and contributions to the household which enabled her to take 10 years off work, raise her own children until they were several year settled into school. He has worked in a stressful job which he apparently hates to enable this. He has continued to work in the same job and look after his children all weekend to enable her to start a hobby business, which still hasn't turned a profit. It's extremely likely that he has tried having calm conversations with her over several years, suggesting that the current arrangements are not working for him, that he is exhausted and stressed, having been working all week, while she is pursuing her hobby business that she loves. He has finally got fed up with being ignored and taken for granted and has got 'shouty'.
I don't blame him! Most partners would be utterly fed up by now.

@SparklyGreenKoala University is not the same. It's for a finite amount of time. The purpose is to get a job with a higher salary, improving prospects for the whole family. The courses also run during the week, term time only, so it is possible to look after the children and spend time doing family activities at the weekend. Regardless these things are a mutual decision between both partners, not a unilateral one where you dictate to him.

I don't think many people with children would find this acceptable at all.
Even if I am wrong, this DH clearly finds it unacceptable which is the salient point.

In which case, why haven't you made any profit in 3.5 years?

Where did she say early evening? Jobs that are a very good salary don’t get home in the early evening.

I assume he’s had an easy time of it because he complains that he can’t have the weekends “free to himself” which indicates he has in the past and this is a change. Not “I miss you darling” or “I like looking after the kids but the whole weekend is a bit much” just he wants his free weekends back.