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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go to the family barbecue

89 replies

yesthatsmyactualname · 05/05/2024 10:47

My sister and I had our eldest children within a month of each other. The kids have been brought up together and have always been close.
They went to different primary schools but are now attending the same secondary school.
My nephew is in with the cool kids a bit daft but generally a good kid. My dd is more studious, sensible and sensitive.
My dd has had a hard time with some girls at school. It started with name calling but then they were taking photos of her and sharing them. She has been pushed, kicked hair pulled. I would say that it has become bullying. The school have been involved. We have spoken to these girls parents. It did calm down when we threatened going to the police when it started becoming physical.
My nephew has become friends with these girls. This has broken the heart of my dd. They have always been close and she felt betrayed by him.
My sister is hosting our annual family barbecue tomorrow. That group of girls are invited as her son's friends. Dd doesn't want to go. I totally get it. I said to my sister we wouldn't manage to come.
She has figured out this is because of the girls. She said that I am being ridiculous to let teenage girls squabbles dictate. It has, in my opinion, gone beyond squabbling.
She is always so delighted that her son is in the cool gang and keeps suggesting that if these girls see my dd out with school they will realise she is nice not just a nerd.
I'm not subjecting my dd to that as she doesn't think she doesn't think she could relax with them around. AIBU or should we go and hope they see dd in a different light?

OP posts:
Damnyoureyessir · 05/05/2024 10:48

YANBU and your sister is a cow. Do something lovely with your DD.

ByUmberViewer · 05/05/2024 10:50

I wouldn't go. Can you host a bbq yourself in a few weeks and let your dd invite a few friends? You can always invite your sister and nephew as well - that way you get to spend time with them on a nice environment

Workawayxx · 05/05/2024 10:53

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. I’d say to your sister that these kids are bullies and you will never ever force your dd to spend time with bullies. How would she feel if her DS was physically bullied and you decided to host them and expect her ds to play nice and come along? It sounds like she’s massively minimising the whole thing saying it’s “squabbles”. You’re absolutely right to protect and support your dd in all of this.

Ponoka7 · 05/05/2024 10:53

You've got to be guided by your DD. Your DN being a teenager will not see it for what it is and I can understand your DS letting him invite who he sees as friends. The school should have stepped in sooner, it's got carried away. I wouldn't demonise these girls, kids make mistakes, putting teens into 'cool kids vs nerds' isn't helpful. Their behaviour was wrong and your DD a victim, so she gets to decide.

Sirzy · 05/05/2024 10:55

I wouldn’t go and if it was my sister she would go down in my estimations encouraging her child to be friends with bullies.

NeedthatFridayfeeling · 05/05/2024 10:57

Absolutely wouldn't go. I'd take your daughter out somewhere instead. Your sister is being horrible, no way would i invite someone who bullied a family member.

Mischance · 05/05/2024 11:00

Let's hope it rains!

I would not take DD to this - she doesn't want to go and has sound reasons. It's not just a teenage strop.

Createausername1970 · 05/05/2024 11:00

It's up to your DD. What does she want to do?

Maybe your sister doesn't realise the extent of the problem. It's very unlikely her son has told her.

If DD doesn't want to go then I would speak to my sister and say that unfortunately it's more than just teenage squabbles, it's been full-on bullying and the school has been involved. So it really isn't appropriate for DD to attend.

It's up to your sister whether she wants to encourage this friendship between her son and them.

DelphiniumBlue · 05/05/2024 11:03

I would be very clear to your sister that it's not "teenage girl squabbles" but your DD's life being made miserable by bullying. I'd say that she feels let down by her cousin who she thought she was close to , and that of course she is not going to attend an event where the bullies are present. And that you find it quite appalling that knowing the situation, Sis and her son have the invited the bullies to a family event, something where DD should be able to enjoy time in a safe space.

meemawww · 05/05/2024 11:07

WHAT?! My sister wouldn't even entertain my niece being friends with my daughters bullies and they're at the same school. If anything my niece has had to try VERY hard not to teach these girls a lesson! Your sister is VILE my sister wouldn't allow herself to be in the same space as my daughters bullies for any reason because she would, at best, tear strips off them!

RoseGoldEagle · 05/05/2024 11:08

‘Hi D-sis, these girls have called her names, taken and shared photos of her, pushed her, pulled her hair, kicked her….would you socialise with people who had treated you like that, honestly? I’m not trying to dictate who your DS is friends with, but I am going to respect DD’s completely understandable wish to have nothing to do with them. I’m not interested in them ‘realising she’s not a nerd and wanting to be friends with her’, she is worth a million of them and they don’t deserve her friendship. Hopefully see you and DS another time soon.’

SuperSange · 05/05/2024 11:09

Her son won't have told her the full story, so I'd make her aware that it's not teenage squabbling; it just stopped short of the police being involved. Then let her decide how important they are. If your daughter doesn't want to go, that's the e end of it really.

Comedycook · 05/05/2024 11:11

Your sister should never have done that but I'd actually be very tempted to go and put on a show of support for your DD in front of them.

FindThatThing · 05/05/2024 11:11

I agree with pp, I wouldn’t go either.
And your sister is indeed a cow.

And as someone who was bullied by the ’cool girls’ and no one cared or helped me, I just want to say thank you, for believing your daughter and sticking up for her.
It’s going to be a massive thing for her, moving forwards and for her self-esteem.

Janedoe82 · 05/05/2024 11:13

Your sister is a knobhead. Absolutely wouldn’t go.

SeaToSki · 05/05/2024 11:15

Why on earth arent your Sister and DN not outraged for your DD and doing everything they can to help your DD with this bullying. DN being at the same school could surely have provided some support/help/told the bullies to bugger off.

Inviting the bullies to a family party and then calmly expecting DD and you to show up is awful and I would be re thinking the entire relationship

TimeForTeaAndG · 05/05/2024 11:16

Comedycook · 05/05/2024 11:11

Your sister should never have done that but I'd actually be very tempted to go and put on a show of support for your DD in front of them.

Without the DD? Cos having her there still forces her to be in the company of her bullies.

Original poster
yesthatsmyactualname · 05/05/2024 11:17

Dsis has been at my house when Dd came home crying, her hair a mess and her legs all red from being kicked. She has seen how this has changed my dd to being quite confident and self assured to doubting herself and becoming more quiet.
DNephew wouldn't stand by and watch her getting hurt. He has stopped them before but he still hangs out with them afterwards.

OP posts:
unbelieveable22 · 05/05/2024 11:21

Your sister does not have your daughter's or your best interest at heart. To try to minimise what is happening to your daughter is horrible. It shows a lack of respect for what you and your family are going through.
She is putting bullies and people she hardly knows ahead of the welfare of her niece and family. Very shallow behaviour. How can she justify colluding with the bullying of anyone let alone her own niece?

Original poster
yesthatsmyactualname · 05/05/2024 11:21

I have zero intention of going but honestly all this makes me question everything. I just want it to stop and for my girl to be happy. I will do anything to help her and I started to question if I was taking the wrong approach.
I am quite disappointed in my nephew but I think as he matures he should see how awful these girls are. I hoped that my sister might be more supportive but she just doesn't seem to get it.

OP posts:
Myfanwyprice · 05/05/2024 11:25

I agree not to go, in a similar situation, my dd was being bullied by a couple of girls, they became friends with two of her best friends (friends since nursery and I am also friends with their mums) but continued with the bullying. DD went to her friends birthday day out to not upset her and make a big deal out of it with the other mums, she had the most miserable time.

We both realised that her happiness is far more important than trying to keep the peace and not offend people and won’t make the same mistake again. My feeling afterwards, was that I should’ve spoken up sooner and to let dd know that it is ok not to put herself in avoidable situations that could upset her.

That’s all a bit of a ramble, but just to say I think you’re instincts are right, hopefully in time your sister will see that.

GrumpyPanda · 05/05/2024 11:37

When you say "family party" do you mean other family members (your parents?) are also involved and if so, your sister is also hosting on their behalf? All the more awful if so, and you'll have to preemptively explain before your sis gets in with her narrative.

AmyandPhilipfan · 05/05/2024 11:44

I wouldn't go either and I would point out everything these girls have done to your daughter and express surprise that her darling son would want to get involved with them! But the fact that she thinks it's a good opportunity for them to find out your daughter is 'nice and not just a nerd' shows that she also has a mean girl mentality herself. So what if your daughter is a 'nerd?' That doesn't give anyone the right to bully her.

Also, if it's a family event, why does he need friends there, particularly when his cousin is there to hang out with? When I was growing up I had a cousin my age who I didn't see often but I liked spending time with. For a few years there seemed to be a lot of family parties, weddings etc and I would always look forward to seeing her. But without fail she'd be allowed to take a friend with her, so spent all her time with the friend and I was a bit too shy to join in with the two of them. It really upset me every time.

Comedycook · 05/05/2024 11:44

TimeForTeaAndG · 05/05/2024 11:16

Without the DD? Cos having her there still forces her to be in the company of her bullies.

Show quote history

Yes but surely even bullies won't have the nerve to do anything when the DDS entire family is there. In fact I'd be hoping it would make them feel very sheepish. Even the biggest of little shits tend to be a bit nervy around other kids parents.

2chocolateoranges · 05/05/2024 11:45

Not a chance I would go or encourage dd to go.

your sister is as bad as the bullies, what aunt would invite the people who bully her niece to a party, she is being ridiculous! Let’s hope it pours with rain and spoils their day.

your sister would be horrified if your nephew was being bullied and you invited his bullies to a family event.

i honestly would go low contact with my sibling if this is how they acted!