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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go to the family barbecue

89 replies

yesthatsmyactualname · 05/05/2024 10:47

My sister and I had our eldest children within a month of each other. The kids have been brought up together and have always been close.
They went to different primary schools but are now attending the same secondary school.
My nephew is in with the cool kids a bit daft but generally a good kid. My dd is more studious, sensible and sensitive.
My dd has had a hard time with some girls at school. It started with name calling but then they were taking photos of her and sharing them. She has been pushed, kicked hair pulled. I would say that it has become bullying. The school have been involved. We have spoken to these girls parents. It did calm down when we threatened going to the police when it started becoming physical.
My nephew has become friends with these girls. This has broken the heart of my dd. They have always been close and she felt betrayed by him.
My sister is hosting our annual family barbecue tomorrow. That group of girls are invited as her son's friends. Dd doesn't want to go. I totally get it. I said to my sister we wouldn't manage to come.
She has figured out this is because of the girls. She said that I am being ridiculous to let teenage girls squabbles dictate. It has, in my opinion, gone beyond squabbling.
She is always so delighted that her son is in the cool gang and keeps suggesting that if these girls see my dd out with school they will realise she is nice not just a nerd.
I'm not subjecting my dd to that as she doesn't think she doesn't think she could relax with them around. AIBU or should we go and hope they see dd in a different light?

OP posts:
PBandJ111 · 05/05/2024 13:52

Definitely not to go. Your sister is a bit of a cow.

BeaRF75 · 05/05/2024 14:01

Was there ever a phrase with more implied horror and awkwardness than "family barbecue"? Run in the other direction, OP!

wherewegoing · 05/05/2024 14:03

RamblingAroundTheInternet · 05/05/2024 12:03

I think I might go on my own for 15 minutes just to confront these horrible girls on home turf, ask them what my DD had done to them and why they thought it was OK to physically assault someone as well as loudly show my disgust that my sister invited them knowing how they’d made her niece’s life hell before dramatically flouncing.

Edited

I’d definitely go too. An opportunity not to miss!

Nicole1111 · 05/05/2024 14:13

Absolutely do not go. Your sister is behaving awfully, essentially prioritising her kids popularity over your niece’s physical and emotional safety. Thank god you’re able to prioritise your daughter and show her what advocating for herself and others looks like.

Talkamongstyourselves · 05/05/2024 14:18

RamblingAroundTheInternet · 05/05/2024 12:03

I think I might go on my own for 15 minutes just to confront these horrible girls on home turf, ask them what my DD had done to them and why they thought it was OK to physically assault someone as well as loudly show my disgust that my sister invited them knowing how they’d made her niece’s life hell before dramatically flouncing.

Edited

I wouldn't because the possibility of DD being sneered at in school (in an "oh look there's x...she can't fight her own battles, mummy has to do it for her" kind of way), would be at the back of my mind and I wouldn't want to give the little shits any ammo.

HcbSS · 05/05/2024 14:20

yesthatsmyactualname · 05/05/2024 11:17

Dsis has been at my house when Dd came home crying, her hair a mess and her legs all red from being kicked. She has seen how this has changed my dd to being quite confident and self assured to doubting herself and becoming more quiet.
DNephew wouldn't stand by and watch her getting hurt. He has stopped them before but he still hangs out with them afterwards.

Your sister and nephew are cowardly and disloyal. It’s their cousin/niece being threatened and hurt. No way would I be going, nor having anything to do with them while they endorse this behavior by associating with these girls. Your poor daughter! Teenage squabbles my arse.

My poor friend is now in her early 50s and is still brought to tears by some of the stuff she had to put up with at secondary school. She is brilliant at her job now and is a really kind pastoral person, despite everything, mainly because she felt she had nobody to turn to back then except her Dad who has now died. Stick up for your kid as you are doing and take this all the way. And have a lovely day with her on the day of the bbq.

Polishedshoesalways · 05/05/2024 14:22

Your sister has seriously let you down. Of course you can not go. I can’t believe she is invited the bullies!
They clearly mean more to her than your family.

Move your dd op, whilst she has a shred of her self respect and confidence left. The school are doing almost nothing to protect her, and the bullying sounds really serious if she is harmed and marked. The psychological trauma alone will be significant if you leave her there.

Bournetilly · 05/05/2024 14:23

YANBU, definitely do not go. It would be awful for your DD.

It’s disgusting that your sister is allowing these girls to the bbq knowing what they have done. I can’t believe your nephew would be friends with them / allow them to treat his cousin this way (hopefully he will realise what they are like soon).

AsYouMightBe · 05/05/2024 14:24

Absolutely not to your DD going. Poor girl. I, however, would contemplate going and skewering those little horrors with a kebab stake.

Polishedshoesalways · 05/05/2024 14:25

I would want to go and call them out and humiliate them one by one before kicking them out to the kerb, but this is guaranteed to make things even worse for your dd.

Americano75 · 05/05/2024 14:25

yesthatsmyactualname · 05/05/2024 11:17

Dsis has been at my house when Dd came home crying, her hair a mess and her legs all red from being kicked. She has seen how this has changed my dd to being quite confident and self assured to doubting herself and becoming more quiet.
DNephew wouldn't stand by and watch her getting hurt. He has stopped them before but he still hangs out with them afterwards.

Jesus actual Christ, what is wrong with her?

Your poor girl. Please give her a hug from me.

Original poster
yesthatsmyactualname · 05/05/2024 14:26

I'm not going. Dd and I are going to do some baking in the morning then she is having a friend round in the afternoon. A lovely and loyal friend.
There hasn't been anything more physical after the police threat but they are still nasty to her and through nasty looks her way. Dd is still very much ostracised by them and others who are scared of them.

My younger dd wants to go round and tell them they are poop faces but we are not going to do that!

OP posts:
Polishedshoesalways · 05/05/2024 14:26

The weather looks horrible tomorrow - perhaps the only silver lining!

Nanny0gg · 05/05/2024 14:28

yesthatsmyactualname · 05/05/2024 11:21

I have zero intention of going but honestly all this makes me question everything. I just want it to stop and for my girl to be happy. I will do anything to help her and I started to question if I was taking the wrong approach.
I am quite disappointed in my nephew but I think as he matures he should see how awful these girls are. I hoped that my sister might be more supportive but she just doesn't seem to get it.

Your sister is clearly one of those people who is desperate for her kids to be 'cool'

And if her sone pulls away he could be the next target

So she is in self-preservation mode.

Don't treat this as a 'family' bbq - treat it as they're hosting friends and you'll see them another time.
I doubt you'll get them to see your PoV

Polishedshoesalways · 05/05/2024 14:28

yesthatsmyactualname · 05/05/2024 14:26

I'm not going. Dd and I are going to do some baking in the morning then she is having a friend round in the afternoon. A lovely and loyal friend.
There hasn't been anything more physical after the police threat but they are still nasty to her and through nasty looks her way. Dd is still very much ostracised by them and others who are scared of them.

My younger dd wants to go round and tell them they are poop faces but we are not going to do that!

How are you going to find it within yourself to speak to your sister after this? She is much more at fault than the kids, she is an adult, has witnessed how awful it has been and should love her DN. I could not get past this op!

fashionqueen0123 · 05/05/2024 14:28

I would say to your sister that as the police will be involved next time it wouldn’t look good to be socialising with children who are involved in attacking your child..!

This is such a weird way for an aunt to behave.

Timeturnerplease · 05/05/2024 14:31

She is always so delighted that her son is in the cool gang and keeps suggesting that if these girls see my dd out with school they will realise she is nice not just a nerd.

Your sister has some odd priorities. I’d be delighted if my child was seen as a ‘nerd’, aka doing well at school, rather than running around with a bunch of cruel idiots.

YANBU just based on this. Sister needs a head wobble.

WhatWouldTheDoctorDo · 05/05/2024 14:32

I would be very pissed off with your sister. She doesn’t need the bullies to see that your DD is nice and not a nerd. Is bullying nerds ok then?

I’d tell your sister that you feel really let down that she expects your DD to spend time with people that have made her life so miserable, and that as she’d clearly rather have them at her home than her own family she can quite frankly fuck off.

saraclara · 05/05/2024 14:35

Ask her: if a group of women had attacked her in town, hurt her physically and mocked her and shared photos of her online, making her cry - how would she feel if you invited those very women to the family bbq, and pressurised her to be friendly with them?

If she challenges your decision, this is what I (very calmly and logically) would ask her. And remind her that they're was very nearly police involvement.

I wouldn't question her decision to invite them, or her nephew wanting to. He's entitled to make his own choice of friends, even if you don't like his decision.
It's her event and you don't get to dictate her guest list. She'll stop listening to you if you do

Just keep it to why your DD doesn't want to attend and why you support her. And like I say, keep it calm and rational.

shenandoahvalley · 05/05/2024 14:36

This is the first thread re children’s bullying where I 100% agree with the OP. I agree with your decision, I agree with your temperance in terms of taking it up with school and threatening to take it further but not, I agree with not making your DD go tomorrow and also not going yourself. You’re doing this all the way I’d do it. I’m sorry your DD is going through this.

I would also add that family is supposed to be a safe space. It’s so important for children around the tween and teen age to have a life outside of school, be it hobbies or family or whatever. To deliberately invite your DD’s bullies into her safe space is terrible of your DD. Your DN should also know better (he wasn’t obliged to invite these girls), but he’s a kid himself. Your sister is pathetic for buying into the “cool kid” thing, and it’s unforgivable that she does so at the expense of your DD. She’s given you no choice but to stay away. Her home isn’t a respite for your daughter any more, or somewhere nice to be. Your sister is just sore that her BBQ will be down a few bodies, no longer the “cool” kid eh?

(I’d also expect her to tell your mutual friends going tomorrow that you’re being lame and ridiculous, victimising her son, blah blah. That’s what people who care about these things do.)

GrumpyPanda · 05/05/2024 14:41

yesthatsmyactualname · 05/05/2024 11:56

Family and friends so usually us, her family, our brother and his family. My sister and I are in the same friendship group so 2 other friends and their kids. These children are much younger though. Mum and dad would normally be there too but they are away on holiday this mayday.
Dsis did say my dd could take a friend but I'm still saying no.

So it's not entirely your sister's event, especially since you mentioned you're taking turns hosting. She's well out of order then - she really should have checked with you beforehand. If you have some sort of group chat I'd make a point of stating on there that you want be attending and why. Have you spoken to your brother and/or other friends yet?

Ellie1015 · 05/05/2024 14:44

My sister would have grounded my newphew for even considering inviting these girls. I can't believe she is allowing it and expects you to come. Why would she want your dd to be friends with them? They are not good people.

Glad you aren't going. Also youngest dd has the right attitude towards them.

Polishedshoesalways · 05/05/2024 14:46

You can see why your nephew is not being proactive with his support, look at how his mother handling it.

Hartley99 · 05/05/2024 14:48

God, your sister thinks YOU are being unreasonable!! Is she out of her fucking mind?! What about your poor daughter? That kind of bullying is enough to scar someone for life. Maybe she should think about her niece, instead of worrying about who’s ‘cool’ (aka a bunch of vicious, spiteful little bitches). Tell your sister you are not going, explain why, and don’t apologise. Your sister should be apologising to you.

And btw, how old is your sister? 12? She’s pleased because her son is in with the ‘cool kids’. Christ, is she living in an American High School movie from the ‘80s?

Original poster
yesthatsmyactualname · 05/05/2024 14:55

Mum and Dad are on now a cruise so no wifi at the moment but once they are in a port I expect mum to have something to say to my sister. My nephew is just being a 13 year old boy but my sister should be less thoughtless.
We do take it year about. It has always been just family and a few close friends. Friends that we have had since childhood and have kept with us.
My brother hasn't said much but then he barely looks at the WhatsApp. It is probably muted! I think when he realises why we are not there he will say something too.

OP posts: