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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Advice please about moving away from Widowed Mum

70 replies

youvegotit · 04/05/2024 17:02

Hi everyone,
My Mum was widowed 3 years ago, and is in her mid 70's. I'm an only child, and what family Mum did have now no longer talk to her after falling out after their Mum's funeral. She doesn't have many friends at all - her immediate neighbours and maybe 1 other friend she occasionally meets up with. I have tried to help mum be more active and suggested places she could visit / clubs to join, but she doesn't seem too overly keen!
I am early 50's and have always lived in the same town as my parents - only moving a 15 minute drive away 10 years ago. My DH retires this year, and we want to move somewhere rural - but it will be a 4 hour drive away. Mum is not happy about this as she says she will never see me again. Each time we try and talk about it she always makes a comment that makes me feel so guilty and selfish for even considering moving away. Her main fear is who will look after her if she needs help later in life. She is in OK health - has COPD which she does nothing to try and improve - she won't walk anywhere now. She won't get on a train as she's scared of getting hurt (she has very thin skin, which if knocked will tear badly) She certainly won't drive to visit us as she isn't a confident driver. My question is - I feel awful, we need to move for 'us' - its what we've wanted for a long time, and while we are still healthy we feel we should do it. But the amount of guilt I feel is MASSIVE. Am I being unreasonable and mean? It makes me so sad and upset that Mum feels this way. Help, please!!

OP posts:

Arlanymor · 04/05/2024 17:08

You are not being unreasonable and mean at all, you and your DH have every right to decide to move if that is what is right for you both. There is another option here of course, which would be would she consider moving somewhere closer to where you will be based? I’m not suggesting she live with you, but if you could find her some accommodation - where maybe she could make some new friends, given that it doesn’t sound that it will be too of a wrench for her to leave the few people she (rarely) socialises with. I can understand the guilt because I have moved closer to my parents now that they are older, but I like where I live, plus they are still 1.5 hours away, so not too close and not too far if you see what I mean?

Flickersy · 04/05/2024 17:13

we want to move somewhere rural

Is there somewhere specific you had in mind? Because otherwise I can't understand why that would mean moving 4 hours away. In the UK you could probably go 30 mins down the road and be more rural. 4 hours is moving to the other end of the country.

What is your relationship like usually?

MissAtomicBomb1 · 04/05/2024 17:34

I'm presuming you don't have a good relationship with her? If so then you need to do what's right for you.

Personally, I can't comprehend moving 4 hours away from my elderly parents.
It feels selfish and mean.
What happens as she gets older and struggles to be independent? If she had a fall who would go round? If she was ill and needed someone to pop out for shopping are you going to do an 8 hour round trip?

Surely you can compromise and move somewhere that is rural but closer?

Original poster

youvegotit · 04/05/2024 17:35

Yes we have a specific area we would love to move to. Having been in the same area all my life , my DH and I would like a total change of scenery.

OP posts:

shepherdsangeldelight · 04/05/2024 17:43

Well the unspoken question here is "do you want to provide care and support for her if she needs it when she gets older?". Reading between the lines (apologies if I'm wrong) it sounds like she is a difficult person, and you want your own life. I would suggest that you don't put your life on hold for her on the basis of "what if" in the future.

If she wants to keep seeing you, she always has the option of moving herself - it doesn't sound like there is much to tie her to her current area.

WitchyWay · 04/05/2024 17:44

It's so hard and no one can really know. I mean, my mum and I are very close, and I love her dearly. So I wouldn't dream of moving 4 hours away from her. But I probably feel that way because of the kind of mum she's been to me over my life, extremely generous and kind, so I'd want to be near her.

The only thing I will say, is do you really want to be moving rurally in your 50/60s? Away from your friends, family, amenities, health services? It seems an odd time to want to do it to me. But that's just me and if you've thought through it all and still think it will give you a better lifestyle then ignore me!

Kitkatfiend31 · 04/05/2024 17:50

Could you look for a retirement community for her so she meets more people without having to travel? Or just say to her that you understand her feelings but are doing this and will visit once a month?? So she has some certainty.

MrsLeonFarrell · 04/05/2024 17:53

Being a long way away from an elderly parent, particularly when you are an only child, can cause so many problems as they decline. Unless you are planning to completely cut her off you will be stuck miles away trying to sort out support as she ages and becomes less able to live independently. Could you encourage her to move into sheltered accommodation near where you will be moving to?

Charliebrow · 04/05/2024 17:53

I wouldn’t dream of moving that far from my elderly parents let alone widowed mum. I can understand how she feels

Evenstar · 04/05/2024 17:53

You might want to read this OP and think about the wisdom of a rural move for you and your husband https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/5033310-i-blame-escape-to-the-country

Fizzadora · 04/05/2024 17:57

Stop feeling guilty and get yourselves on Rightmove asap.
Your Mum's unhappy about it for purely selfish reasons so she'll just have to deal with it.
You are the most important person in your life. You. No one else.

Heronwatcher · 04/05/2024 18:02

I think it’s difficult to say, how often do you see her, what support does she have apart from you. If you moved away then what would you plan to do about seeing her- would you visit for decent periods or would it be once a year? Would you be prepared to collect her and bring her to your house reasonably regularly? What about a taxi? As others have said, are there any other things beneath the surface which mean that you’d in fact not really want to see her regularly?

I think it’s really difficult TBH and I can see both sides of it. There seems to be a lot of resentment on your part that she hasn’t made more of a life for herself, or isn’t dealing with health issues, but you can’t blame her for that- and it doesn’t sound that unusual for a widow of her generation. As said upthread I could not conceive of moving that far from my parents without a really compelling reason but that’s our relationship not yours.

There is also the fact that she sounds like she’s got some health issues and she’s obviously not getting younger- having had parents in a similar position I can’t emphasise how much of a nightmare it would have been if I was 4 hours away— at times I was having to do 2-3 things a week for them (go to doctor, help with shopping, arrange and see new carers, fix things in house). What would your plan be if she does need a bit more help but is not in a home?

Perhaps if you could present her with more of a “plan” she might feel more comfortable, like “I will come to you for x days a month, you can stay with us for y days”. Or as others have said since she isn’t really embedded in her community could you get somewhere with an annex? If you think she might end up with you eventually better to do it now. Or could you downsize in your mum’s area and then buy a weekend place in the new area, with a plan to move there more permanently in due course?

crumblingschools · 04/05/2024 18:02

How did you think your mum would feel?

What is the plan if your DM needs help? Have you looked into what is available in her area?

Is she a difficult person as other family have fallen out with her and she doesn’t have many friends?

Greywitch2 · 04/05/2024 18:04

No one can expect their adult children to martyr themselves 'looking after Mum' and putting their lives on hold for what could be many years.

My parents did this for my Gran. (DMs mother) My father was offered a job in the Bahamas and was desperate to take it, but we'd just moved back (temporarily) from abroad when Gran was widowed in her early 70s. My DM persuaded him to stay in a very bleak, Northern town and take a job he hated. They were 40 and 38 at the time. My DGM lived to be 101.

My parents were trapped by then. Aged almost 70 and having spent the last 30 years of their life somewhere they didn't want to be.

Sunnnybunny72 · 04/05/2024 18:08

MissAtomicBomb1 · 04/05/2024 17:34

I'm presuming you don't have a good relationship with her? If so then you need to do what's right for you.

Surely you can compromise and move somewhere that is rural but closer?

She pays for help. It's what we save for all our lives, to buy in help and care as needed and leave our busy adult DC with jobs and families of their own free of the burden.
Has a pendant in case of a fall who would call an ambulance and shopping can be done online.
It would be selfish and mean of her at the end of her life to try and curtail your opportunities in the prime of yours.

crumblingschools · 04/05/2024 18:20

I think the hard thing is when you move away when they are elderly. If you move away when you are younger then they will probably assume you are not going to be around when they are older. But OP has hardly moved up to this point. Elderly mum has always had her only child living nearby.

Now she has been widowed and struggles to travel her family are moving away. Not saying OP shouidn’t move but I can understand DM not being happy and worried.

Wannabeanomad · 04/05/2024 18:28

Don't think of now, think of a few years time. Bad weather you get a call to say your mother has had a bad fall and is heading to hospital. Are you going to be prepared to do possibly multiple trips to see your mother or are you going to expect her few friends and neighbours to look out for her? Are you going to be prepared to accept some people will judge you if you, having retired are not willing to look out for your mother. Your decision. One of my siblings went without a second thought, the other stayed more local. The one who went away is the one now feeling very guilty and regrets her decision.

Coffeegincarbs · 04/05/2024 18:32

Her health may sadly deteriorate as she ages so, if you're planning to move 4 hours away, a round trip if she needs help with hospital visits etc isn't feasible in a day. You'll grow to resent time spent travelling to her, and she's also unlikely or willing to travel to you.

If she has few friends (and no other relatives she's close to) where she is now would you consider moving her down near where you are intending to move to? Granny flat in a nearby town?

MurielThrockmorton · 04/05/2024 18:41

There's a very similar recent-ish thread from the beginning of April in elderly parents entitled something like would you move 250 miles away from your mother - I can't link as I'm on the app, but it was around the beginning of April, you might find some of the contributions helpful.

Mary46 · 04/05/2024 18:41

Difficult op. Could u move an hour away. I think it will add more stress on you if hours away. I accept you have live your own lives too. No easy answers.

Startingagainandagain · 04/05/2024 18:42

Reading between the line it sounds like she is a difficult person who has fallen out with the rest of her family, refuses to take steps to try to socialise a bit more and put a lot of guilt on your shoulders...

'Very thin skin' also sounds like she is used to using emotional blackmail and play the victim to get what she wants.

I wonder if there is a back story as well as to why you felt you had to stay so closed to your parents (again were you made to feel like they should always be your priority in life even when you were younger?) and always prevented from making your own decisions?

I had a mother like yours and I literally moved to a different country when I was 20 to escape her constant control and lies and manipulation. Every attempt from me to become independent had been met with threats, fake tears and hysteria.

Would I care for her in her old age? not a chance.

Plan your retirement and move with your husband and make it clear that she needs to start making plan for her own old age and not except you to become her main carer. Being a martyr won't make you or your husband happy...

AtrociousCircumstance · 04/05/2024 18:45

What has your relationship with your mum been like?

Because if it hasn’t been bad, I think you are being ice cold OP.

MereDintofPandiculation · 04/05/2024 18:54

It's what we save for all our lives, to buy in help and care as needed and leave our busy adult DC with jobs and families of their own free of the burden. It's what you save for all your life. My father's generation, not used to long lingering dementia, expecting to be carried off fairly quickly with heart disease or cancer, saved to be able to pass on a good sum to children or grandchildren. And squandering it on their own care seems to them very wrong. Though phrasing it as you do, "leaving adult DC free of the burden" makes it slightly less unpalatable to watch one or two hundred thousand pounds just evaporate.

MereDintofPandiculation · 04/05/2024 18:55

I think I'd be trying to persuade her to move to a small town near to the rural area you have your eyes on. It would be difficult if she had a social network where she was.

Itsonlymashadow · 04/05/2024 19:16

This is an odd one for me.

because at 42 with 2 kids (1 adult age and 1 teenager) I would be telling them to go and live their lives as they want.

But I don’t know how I would feel if they left me when I was starting to get old and sick. I would love to say I would be fine. But who knows. I am not that age and (thankfully) not sick.

I absolutely couldn’t leave my dad though. I say dad because my mum is dead. Not just for his sake but for mine. If he gets sick and is in and out of hospital, I couldn’t keep going back and forth with that sort of drive. So what happens? Dad is hospital, alone? I couldn’t do it. So I would be killing myself going back and forth.

a good friend of mine has just been through 6 months of her dad in and out of hospital, falling at home, injuring himself etc. in the space of 6 months he deteriorated completely. The stress of finding a home and so on has been a lot. And she lived round the corner and shared responsibility with her brother. No one could I do it 4 hours away. And no way would I just leave him to it.

It just wouldn’t work. Dp knows that and wouldn’t want to move away from Dad either.

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