I blame Escape to the Country!

[Mini712]

Is anyone else in the same situation?

My parents retired 12 years ago & decided to retire to Dorset. At the time, I was pretty upset that they were moving away from me and my young family but accepted their decision.
During those 12 years they have had an amazing retirement, living in a beautiful part of the country and travelling the world with fancy holidays & cruises galore! But more recently their health has started to fail so they can’t do as much anymore and Mum in particular is feeling a bit isolated which as meant they now want to see us more. They come and stay with us regularly(usually for at least a week!) every other month but we live 3 hours away so we can’t just pop in for a cup of tea.
I am now feeling guilty as I don’t want them to feel lonely but also resentment as it wasn’t me that moved in the first place!
Last saw them 2 weeks ago when they stayed with us for a week but now getting pressure from Mum to see them over Easter. Should I cave in and see them even though I had planned to spend Easter with hubby & sons?

By the way I have a brother but he rarely calls them, let alone visits or has them to stay

Any thoughts would be appreciated ❤️

[DustyLee123]

You aren’t there to entertain them, you have your own life. Time to set some boundaries for the future.

[ALunchbox]

I wouldn't go if I had other plans. I really dislike attitudes like this. I will never expect my DC to come and visit me or look after me. They're free to live their lives.

[KalaMush]

I wouldn't go. You've only just seen them for a whole week! Have you suggested they move back closer to you?

[Harvestfestivalknickers]

Choices have consequences OP. They chose to live in Dorset. Consequently they don't see you often. Don't rearrange your plans to accommodate their wants.

[Dearg]

No, just tell them you have plans ; perhaps suggest a more suitable time for them to come to you for a short break. It’s great that they have had a lovely retirement - but you are still in the throes of child rearing/ work etc.
As pp said, set some boundaries now

[Quizine]

We all slow down eventually, but I see that they are able to visit you regularly so they must be relatively OK for now!

I'd do my own thing for Easter TBH. Then suggest a visit towards the end of the month or whenever it suits you best.

If you don't set some boundaries now you will be on the road constantly up and down to them and at their beck and call at all times. You have a life, they decided on theirs.

Have they any plans in place to move closer in due course?

[SiobhanSharpe]

Tricky one. Could they come for a couple of days (eg Fri/Sat or Sun/Mon) of the Easter weekend ) to see you and the grandkids, which would still allow you to have some of the weekend just with your DH and DCs?
I think you see them a fair bit anyway if they come and stay for a week every couple of months, that's quite a lot of work for you.
Would it be feasible for them to come perhaps slightly more often but for a shorter time and stay in a hotel on some of those occasions?

[Mini712]

Mum would move back in a heart beat but Dad won’t even enter into a conversation about moving back. He has lot of health issues and doesn’t want to change doctors or hospitals.

[Mini712]

@KalaMush

I wouldn't go. You've only just seen them for a whole week! Have you suggested they move back closer to you?

Mum desperate to move back but Dad is reluctant to leave Dorset. He has quite a few health issues so doesn’t want to change hospitals etc

[KalaMush]

I would have a serious chat with them about this. Surely your dad could adapt to a new doctor? This could go on for years and when they get too old to make the trip it will be you doing the long journey every time.

[Mini712]

@SiobhanSharpe

Tricky one. Could they come for a couple of days (eg Fri/Sat or Sun/Mon) of the Easter weekend ) to see you and the grandkids, which would still allow you to have some of the weekend just with your DH and DCs?
I think you see them a fair bit anyway if they come and stay for a week every couple of months, that's quite a lot of work for you.
Would it be feasible for them to come perhaps slightly more often but for a shorter time and stay in a hotel on some of those occasions?

I would definitely be happier for them to stay more often if it was a shorter time😉!
The journey takes it out of them but could suggest it. Thank you x

[Upinthenightagain]

I think I’d be talking to them
about moving back nearer you.

[Mini712]

@KalaMush

I would have a serious chat with them about this. Surely your dad could adapt to a new doctor? This could go on for years and when they get too old to make the trip it will be you doing the long journey every time.

Yes, you are right👍🏻
I wish I had said how I felt when they decided to move in the first place!

[KalaMush]

They probably wouldn't have listened then! But now maybe they will?

[rightoguvnor]

This is a carbon copy of the in-laws retirement, until fate stepped in and one of them died suddenly. The other held out a couple of years but is now comfortably holed up in a retirement flat local to both her children. We're all much happier and less stressed.
Retiring to the country at 67 is a great plan, but you have to have the endgame planned out too if you want/expect/hope for practical support from your children.

[Wastedagreatusername]

Can’t they move back?

[Mini712]

@rightoguvnor

This is a carbon copy of the in-laws retirement, until fate stepped in and one of them died suddenly. The other held out a couple of years but is now comfortably holed up in a retirement flat local to both her children. We're all much happier and less stressed.
Retiring to the country at 67 is a great plan, but you have to have the endgame planned out too if you want/expect/hope for practical support from your children.

You are so right. I don’t expect them to move until something happens to one of them but in the meantime I’m worried sick and racked with guilt.

[olderbutwiser]

Serious chat time. How does your dad see things panning out over the next few years? 5 years? 10 years? I’m guessing he’s early 70s? Are his health problems so rare that they can’t be managed by other doctors and hospitals? If they want your attention and support they need to be closer.

[Ilovemyshed]

Its time for a serious chat with them about the future and their future needs for support. Would they move nearer to you?

We always had a situation in family where if parents wanted support they were the ones to move and my parents had the same with their parents.

[KalaMush]

@Mini712

You are so right. I don’t expect them to move until something happens to one of them but in the meantime I’m worried sick and racked with guilt.

The problem is that the "something happens" is typically not one of them dying, but often a catastrophic health event (stroke, heart attack etc), after which they're even less likely to want to move. It really would be so much better for them to move now when they're in (relatively) good health. Speaking from experience here!

[Mini712]

@olderbutwiser

Serious chat time. How does your dad see things panning out over the next few years? 5 years? 10 years? I’m guessing he’s early 70s? Are his health problems so rare that they can’t be managed by other doctors and hospitals? If they want your attention and support they need to be closer.

He has just turned 80 with heart problems & can’t walk 10 metres without getting out of breath.
I don’t think their doctors are that great since Covid but local hospital is very good.
Our local hospital is awful.
I also think he is daunted by the move because he struggles health wise.

[Mum5net]

Just a thought , OP, but is their Dorset home rentable?
Could they rent it out further down the line if things go more pear-shaped and then rent a smaller 1 bed place near to you using proceeds?
Would mean a double up on household bills, Council Tax etc but they would have a foot in both camps.
Also if you haven't got POA I would hurry them along. It also sounds like he would qualify for attendance allowance, which isn't means tested.

[Mum5net]

And maybe a Blue Badge for the car.

[Sunnnybunny72]

@Mini712

Mum would move back in a heart beat but Dad won’t even enter into a conversation about moving back. He has lot of health issues and doesn’t want to change doctors or hospitals.

Then you'll be spending Easter with your DH and sons.
You must set a precedent now as this is only going one way. The resentment and impact on your life and mental health otherwise will be massive, I've seen it.
Your parents' wants don't trump yours.

[AluckyEllie]

I would say no to Easter and then have a really frank and honest conversation, bordering almost on rude. I would point out to your dad he is getting to need more help and this will only get worse. You live 3 hours away with a family and will not be travelling up and down every week to sort out their problems. They will have to have strangers coming into the house if he needs carers/cleaners/jobs he can no longer do. There will be no one to help your mum out, she will have to do everything around the house. I would also point out she will be left alone 3 hours away from everyone if anything happens to him. Then sell the good option- move closer to us, you and your family will be able to see them more often. They will have company and support face to face rather than over the phone. Get power of attorney sorted for both of them now as well if you haven’t already.
My father is in poor health at 82, with my mum doing all laundry/driving/shopping/cooking/gardening. We have outsourced the cleaning and dog walking, set up online shopping. We live 45 mins away and my sister about an hour. It is still too far really and I see them every week. There is always a list of jobs (house bits/sorting out standing orders/ maintenance needs organising that I have to do (and am happy to do.) My mum already knows neither me or my sister will be providing care and that if anything happens to her my dad will be straight into residential care. We have POA and dnar sorted.
I don’t tell you this to be morbid but his poor health is only going in one direction and we are probably two years further along from you- it would be infeasible to give this level of help from 3 hours away.