Advice please about moving away from Widowed Mum

[youvegotit]

Hi everyone,
My Mum was widowed 3 years ago, and is in her mid 70's. I'm an only child, and what family Mum did have now no longer talk to her after falling out after their Mum's funeral. She doesn't have many friends at all - her immediate neighbours and maybe 1 other friend she occasionally meets up with. I have tried to help mum be more active and suggested places she could visit / clubs to join, but she doesn't seem too overly keen!
I am early 50's and have always lived in the same town as my parents - only moving a 15 minute drive away 10 years ago. My DH retires this year, and we want to move somewhere rural - but it will be a 4 hour drive away. Mum is not happy about this as she says she will never see me again. Each time we try and talk about it she always makes a comment that makes me feel so guilty and selfish for even considering moving away. Her main fear is who will look after her if she needs help later in life. She is in OK health - has COPD which she does nothing to try and improve - she won't walk anywhere now. She won't get on a train as she's scared of getting hurt (she has very thin skin, which if knocked will tear badly) She certainly won't drive to visit us as she isn't a confident driver. My question is - I feel awful, we need to move for 'us' - its what we've wanted for a long time, and while we are still healthy we feel we should do it. But the amount of guilt I feel is MASSIVE. Am I being unreasonable and mean? It makes me so sad and upset that Mum feels this way. Help, please!!

Does DH have family @youvegotit?

Go! You have to put yourself and your husband first. It's not your job to look after your mother, so don't give in to emotional blackmail.

My dad had COPD and in his last few years as it progressed he would not have been able to live independently without family support nearby, he needed someone physically present to advocate for him, especially for emergencies and as the disease progressed there were many of them.

It isn't about martyring yourself, it is about loving your nearest and dearest in their time of need more than a rural fantasy. it is about being able to find pleasure in life as well as support others - they are not mutually exclusive.

Although he never asked for support, I personally would not have left him to go through it alone, it was a privilege to be able to support him and when he died I had no regrets. I guess it comes down to the type of relationship you have with your parent and your own personality.

It doesn’t sound, from what you’ve written, as if your mum is putting much effort into ensuring her declining years are as healthy and comfortable as possible. If this is the case, then I really don’t think you need to feel guilty about not prioritising this either.

Do you want to provide care to her in old age? I'm watching my poor step mum be run ragged caring for both her mother and grandmother. I wouldn't want my children spending years of their life not being able to go on holiday becuase they're committed to providing my care.
I won't be providing care to my parents.

Also, do you have a plan for your own aging? Is the place you want to buy a long term option or will you need to move back when you're old? Presumably you're not expecting any children of yours to provide care?

Can she move to the same area as well?

Good grief, of course you should go op. And she should be ashamed of herself for guilt tripping! Unless you are actually planning to be a hands on carer? If not, you need to put your DH, you, and your relationship first. Something your mother should be encouraging!

Then their mindset is wrong. It isn't evaporating. It's paying for heating, lighting, food, insurance, gardeners, building maintenance, staff wages, taxes etc etc etc. The cost of being alive and kept safe.
We all know the rules. If you want to pass on money then drip feed it away over the lifetime. Handing over large chunks of money on death and receiving free care from others isn't sustainable anymore If we all want to live to 102 and continue to take the pills to do so, even with a diagnosis.

Thank you to all the replies - don't get me wrong, I love Mum very much and we get on well (apart from when she is being awkward or turning the guilt tap on me). Although she is in her mid 70's, and has her couple of health issues - she is still a 'young' elderly person, if you get me? She enjoys her cruises 3 times a year and takes coach holidays. She goes away on cruises over Christmas and loves them. I say good for her! Mum and Dad always had amazing holidays many times a year and she misses that (understandably) So she's not old and frail. She has a gardener in to help with her large garden and cleaners to clean her large house, as she can't do it as well now.

That could be an option. She has often said we could get a house big enough so she could move in with us, but that would not be good! And my marriage wouldn't survive.. But the same area could work!

Thank you! Definitely not planning on being a hands on carer! Dad asked me to give up my business when he was ill and be a carer for him, which I couldn't do. He had carers in. which worked well, thank fully

It's what we save for all our lives? Well that would have been lovely if we could, but we were too busy working our socks off to pay for school fees, uni fees, weddings, house deposits and ongoing financial emergencies. And now one DC is moving near to us so we can help with childcare. I'd be righteously pissed off if in the future, when WE might need support, they decide to bugger off and leave us to fend for ourselves when we're old and vulnerable.

This is nothing about your Mum but relocating generally, did your DH grow up rurally? I did and it’s a very different life especially when older. Consider a move to the edge of a town. If you ever lose the capacity to drive and live rurally it’s truly awful. Plus if this is a holiday place that is special to you, well it’s different if you live there. I live on the edge of a town, 15 mins walk is open fields and 15 minutes the other way is every single thing you need, superstore, Doctors and the local high street.

You are not old at all but if you live very rurally you may need to relocate again in 20 years. Maybe when you say rural you will be a 15 minute taxi ride to the edge of town. Really consider how it would be without the use of a car. My friends DH is only early sixties but is now forbidden to drive due to a medical condition.

It sounds as if she has lost a bit of confidence - re driving and public transport etc.

The idea of moving near to where you are planning is a good one. Look into a bungalow, one level, usually have decent gardens. Show her some details. Look up some local groups/activities she could join. Sell it as a fresh start somewhere new. She doesn't have to be fully reliant on you just yet.

Your updates of her going on cruises and such seems at odds with your original post.

Am I being unreasonable and mean?

A bit. Four hours is a long way for you to move from your old widowed mum.

Isn't there somewhere rural closer by?

Your updates of her going on cruises and such seems at odds with your original post

I thought so too ..

This post reads very differently from your first post. I at first had the idea your mum is not very independent, and can't really get out and about. If she is fit to go on three cruises a year, the not getting a train thing does sound a bit manipulative.
What about you look for a place that has perhaps a granny flat type thing or an annex on the property ao she could move with you and have her own space? Or just look for somewhere that has property nearby and run the idea past of her moving with you? Depending on her answer you'd then know if that makes her feel better of if she digs her heels in and just doesn't want to move.

It's hard to say what's reasonable here. I mean, I wouldn't do it in my circumstances, but I don't live in yours. People will judge you as selfish. It is selfish, but most people people are it's just the extent which varies. Your mum is being selfish too, I can see both sides.

I think the most reasonable thing here is to think of compromises. Can you get her to move to the new area? She sounds fairly wealthy, are you too? Could there be some kind of second home situation for you or her or both to allow you/her to split time between areas a bit more easily?

She goes on cruises and coach tours?

With her terribly "thin skin"??

Honestly OP she's really taking the piss with you!

She can sell up and buy a warden controlled flat or retirement flat within (but no closer than) 1/2 hour of your new location.

Warden control / retirement flats have community rooms and social activities. She won't be isolated and there's help immediately on hand should she need it.

I think you need to be really firm on this because she sounds quite manipulative and wheedling to get her own way - which is to live with you (absolutely DO NOT DO THAT)

Also op, sorry if I've missed it, but do you have children? If so, where do they live and is that a factor at all?

It all depends on your relationship. If, by what you have said, she uses guilt as her currency, then she cares more about herself. It's also very telling that she has fallen out with everyone else.
My parents use guilt, and play the old person card. Had they been even vaguely different towards me, supported me when I needed it, I probably wouldn't hate them as much as I do.

But I still drive them to appointments, visit, have them for Christmas because I'm the only one. Do I look forward to when they are gone, yes, so much.
I only see them once a month now, in terms of visits. Covid lockdowns were a blessing in resetting much needed boundaries.
I won't provide care, if that need arises. I'm doing my maximum. But, in all honesty, I hate them.
Moving away, I'm happy with my home/life but may at some point in retirement look at spending much of my year abroad, and they'd be on their own. I'm fine with that.
I do what I can now, but I owe them nothing.

Something doesn't add up here. In your OP you say your Mum won't walk anywhere nowadays. Now you are saying she goes on cruises. Which is it? Were the cruises when your father was alive or has she been since his death? I think you are trying to change the narrative here and you haven't answered any questions about what you will do if your mother ends up in hospital and who you expect to pick up the care then.

This is really tough OP. Would she consider living in assisted housing so that she could get help if needed and perhaps meet more people?

With us it's my MIL. We have a cottage 400 miles away (DS lives there just now). It's our retirement plan and DH would love for us to relocate up there permanently in a couple of years when we're both almost 60. He can work from there and I would get a job locally (teacher), but I can't leave his mum. She's 82 and in excellent health, lots of friends, great social life etc., but I just don't want to leave her feeling alone and nowhere near any family at all. DH has two brothers, both live a couple of hours away and neither of them really bother with her. DH would go in a heartbeat (they don't have a very close relationship), but sooner or later she's going to need more help.

The cost of being alive and kept safe. Do we want to be "alive and kept safe" with dementia? I don't. But it's difficult to do otherwise if your body is in good physical shape. I resent being kept alive in such a state, I resent even more having to pay for something that isn't my wish. It's time for a national conversation about the balance between quantity of life and quality of life.

Next time your DM brings it up I'd ask her what her plans are to be looked after when she's older. Is she planning on moving to a Retirement Village? Some have entertainment and you can buy in care.

She'd be better making the move now, whilst she's physically able and can join in activities and hopefully make friends.

You could suggest she moves to a Retirement Village nearer to where you're going to be?

My "D"M didn't exactly expend much time, love it even food on us so I won't be doing any physical caring. I don't mind organising things like bus passes but anything that involves regular visits she can pay for.

Luckily everyone in the family know what she's like so they all feel the same.