Advice please about moving away from Widowed Mum

[youvegotit]

Hi everyone,
My Mum was widowed 3 years ago, and is in her mid 70's. I'm an only child, and what family Mum did have now no longer talk to her after falling out after their Mum's funeral. She doesn't have many friends at all - her immediate neighbours and maybe 1 other friend she occasionally meets up with. I have tried to help mum be more active and suggested places she could visit / clubs to join, but she doesn't seem too overly keen!
I am early 50's and have always lived in the same town as my parents - only moving a 15 minute drive away 10 years ago. My DH retires this year, and we want to move somewhere rural - but it will be a 4 hour drive away. Mum is not happy about this as she says she will never see me again. Each time we try and talk about it she always makes a comment that makes me feel so guilty and selfish for even considering moving away. Her main fear is who will look after her if she needs help later in life. She is in OK health - has COPD which she does nothing to try and improve - she won't walk anywhere now. She won't get on a train as she's scared of getting hurt (she has very thin skin, which if knocked will tear badly) She certainly won't drive to visit us as she isn't a confident driver. My question is - I feel awful, we need to move for 'us' - its what we've wanted for a long time, and while we are still healthy we feel we should do it. But the amount of guilt I feel is MASSIVE. Am I being unreasonable and mean? It makes me so sad and upset that Mum feels this way. Help, please!!

Do we want to be "alive and kept safe" with dementia? I don't. But it's difficult to do otherwise if your body is in good physical shape. I resent being kept alive in such a state, I resent even more having to pay for something that isn't my wish. It's time for a national conversation about the balance between quantity of life and quality of life.

I totally agree. I definitely don't want keeping alive if I have dementia. I'm prone to chest infections anyway so I've told the family that if I get dementia, don't give me the antibiotics or steroids and drip the bed so that I'm lying flat.

It’s not always about being a carer for a relative, but being there for comfort and support if they have a fall, need treatment etc. How would you feel if your DM ended up in hospital for a period of time and you are 4 hours away?

IME the first few times you feel panic and drop everything, break the speed limit to get there and do whatever you can to try to make it okay. Once it's happened over and over again over many years and your own life is falling apart and it's made you ill you start to feel nothing much other then "here we go again, its going to be a long night, I'll make a flask of tea". It's probably made easier if you haven't already been doing things that a carer could do but because you only live down the road your parent thinks that they don't need anyone else. I'm of course not saying that it's not something to consider, but being the person who has to constantly respond to emergencies takes its toll.

No, I can't have children, unfortunately..

I think your DM is selfish. She should arrange her life better. You are not responsible for her lack of family and friends. Why is she in this position? It’s not your fault.
We give our DC wings to fly hopefully and lead their own lives, not guilt tripping them, just always supporting them, whatever they want to do for themselves and their own happiness.

Everyone should make provision for their old age if possible and not rely on their children to provide care. Your mother is no exception. It’s not your fault that she doesn’t have much of a social circle OP. Building a life of her own is what she needs to be focusing on now, rather than guilt tripping you. She could live for another ten or fifteen years.

She has a few friends, reasonable health, and she can drive. It’s not too bad. She can build on that, prepare for the future. Which can include lots of visits to you!

I'm in kind of a similar position, however it's my mum who is the only child and my grandmother (my mum's mum). Whilst my mum doesn't feel any obligation at all to change her life for her mum, it then falls on me to entertain her and keep her. I'm exhausted, I keep trying to explain my life is my life but she's bloody hard work. I don't want to be cruel, but I have my own life, my own kids, I don't want to be tied until the end of her life. Absolutely love her but cannot physically give her the time and devotion she wants and feels she is deserved.

You're being very selective in which questions you answer, OP. Bit pointless if you want useful, relevant advice.

You mean you hadn't thought of that yourself?

Yes of course I had!

To be honest, I haven't the energy at the moment to reply to all the responses..

Thank you - all very true! She can drive but isn't confident to make the journey alone to visit us whwn we move. It will fall on us to sort it out,transport etc or drive to collect her and bring her to ours, then bring her home again ..

I think she's playing you. She has enough confidence to go on cruises!

I'd be interested to hear how she gets to the cruises.

My DH left his home town to go to uni and never moved back there. He’s an only child and he felt he had to get away because his parents would not have let him have a life of his own. He ended up in my home town which is four hours drive from his. It did get very difficult as his parents got older and frailer and his dad died. His mum could not cope even with a care package in place but flatly refused to consider moving closer to us or even coming to live with us which we did offer. Just saying how hard long distance care of an elderly parent can be.

I can imagine. It can be hard enough when you're in the sane town

A taxi collects her from home and takes her straight to cruise - its included in the package!

It is si hard isn't it! As the child /grandchild we feel so much guilt when they are widowed. It's always a worry, but the need to spread my wings and have a new life is strong. Mum has had a brilliant life and done what she wanted..I wish you luck!

I think this is the crux of it, my parents are amazing and I actively want to be near to help them now they are older. However I imagine if they were not I might feel resentful about putting my life on hold.
Saying this, is there a compromise that would assuage your guilt. Four hours is a really long way.

You’re free to do what you want. But being an only child to an elderly parent living a 4 hour drive away is not going to be easy. Be prepared to put some miles in as her health declines. I couldn’t do that.