To think it’s not ‘cruel’ to take DD to the gym at 7.30am

[Eastie77Returns]

I attend an early gym class every Saturday morning. I leave the house around 7am.

I leave DS and DD at home with DP. He takes DS to football practice around 9am and DD tags along but she has become increasingly unhappy about having to go. I therefore gave her 2 other choices: come to the gym with with me or stay at home alone for 10/15 minutes as I’m home from the gym by 9.15-am latest. This morning I asked her what she wanted to do (I gave her the options earlier in the week so she had time to consider). She began complaining loudly saying none of the options were good ones and she just wanted me to stay at home with her. I explained that I was not prepared to miss my class and in the end she decided to come with me. As we were leaving DP began muttering that’s it’s unfair and cruel to drag her to a gym at the crack of dawn when Saturday morning should be her down time.

If it makes any difference, it’s a David Lloyd gym. DD is a member and she enjoyed a breakfast in the restaurant area and read a book while I did my class. She played with another girl in the play area and the two of them have signed up for a taster kids class so she was fine. But I’ve now received a text from my dad saying he’s heard (obviously from DP) from that “poor DD is being dragged to a gym on Saturdays” so she can stay with him on Friday evenings if she prefers. Obviously I would be expected to drop off and pick her up. I said no.

AIBU to think this is a load of fuss about absolutely nothing?

Some of these responses are just bonkers - you're absolutely fine OP, please ignore all the hysteria!

She has a choice - get up early and come with you or stay home for 15 minutes, it's hardly bloody child neglect FGS. If she's not happy staying home then I would maybe work on building up her confidence, though - she's getting to secondary school soon and she can't expect to be supervised 24/7 for much longer.

Some of the comments on this thread are peak MN. 😅 The OP wants to attend an early class, but some PPs prefer a lie-in and lack the imagination to understand that their preferences are not universal. Then we have the self-righteous martyrs who think it’s up to the OP to give up her weekly class to accommodate everyone else, because of course mothers should always be the ones to sacrifice anything that benefits them. 🙄

I read an interesting article recently about the importance of encouraging independence in children. The helicopter parents of today are doing their children no favours. I would definitely work with your DD on feeling confident at home alone @Eastie77Returnsespecially as she will be on her own occasionally after school in just a few months. But otherwise I wouldn’t change a thing. Your class is important to you and you’ve done nothing the least bit “cruel.” As for your DH’s refusal to drive, I would find that beyond annoying. Sounds like your DD is not the only one who needs to work on independence and resilience.

Unless you are male, then it’s fine to go out on a Saturday apparently.

OP don't give up your class you need that time for physical and mental health. Your daughter has choices and those choices are fine. We don't do our children any favours by making sacrifices that mean we are bottom of the pile.

Hospital would not refer to safeguarding if 11 year old has accident at home alone unless you left them in a house drenched in fuel with matches scattered around. Or locked with several wild dogs.
House accidents cannot be related to being home alone for children of that age.
They would referr if child is selfharming for being left alone but OP never suggested her DD got mental health issues.

You need to let children grow out of fear or face consequences (going to gym early). We are not talking about 4y old child here.

I don’t post a lot on MN, but I really want to say: do not stop going to the gym. Do not change your behaviour as some posters are telling you to do. Do your daughter the great service of not putting her at the centre of everything you do.

YANBU OP. In fact I applaud your efforts to present your DD with reasonable (very nice) choices and increase her resilience and ability to cope / adapt / take reasonable risks.

The reason why so many young people are now suffering anxiety disorders is because they have not been exposed to risk, new situations and opportunities to be independent.

You are doing the right thing.

An NT 11 year old being left for 15 minutes once a week is not a safeguarding risk in and of itself, though.

If she was left in a dangerous situation (like with an unpredictable dog, or with a much younger sibling) - that would be different, but it's not what's happening here.

I feel for you op, and I hope you find a way to make your dp step up as a parent and partner. I wouldn’t be as polite as you are about this- my dp, if I was still there, would be told his opinion about parenting would count when he started doing any of it that wasn’t a personal passion of his.

@DragonFly98

so you think op should miss her class? Really?

It's crazy how so many people are saying OP should miss her class when there's also another parent who could be there for the daughter if they're so worried

@Trulyme I am allowed to have an opinion here, just as you are. There is zero need or class in just belittling me for the sake of it.

To fit in with OPs working life? What about her husband? If he doesn’t work he could have them instead if they didn’t want to do activities.

Or he’s also working at the same time and therefore by your logic he’s also forcing them into activities to suit himself. So why single the OP out as selfish?

This thread is like stepping into an alternative universe. Apparently men can have a life of their own but mothers lives must revolve around their children 24/7

I have a child exactly the same age and we are members of DL. You are not unreasonable to leave her there if she's well behaved. It's a family club.
Could you start leaving her at home whilst being on the phone to you? And work up to 15 minutes?

You're fine. I take dd (12) to a class once a week between 7.30 and 9pm (the horror). She just brings a book/iPad and joins in when she's needed. She's fine.

If the do cared that much about anything other than himself he could say I will be home at 5pm on Thursdays, collecting children from childminder. If child minder is sick I’ll be the one to stay home that day. I’ll get dd to her class and give them both dinner. You can go to the gym after work.

i do that. I try to get home Tuesdays but if I’m not dp does quick dinner for our 3 and drags them all off to drop eldest at piano. I go to the gym a bit later that night. I don’t have to cancel because dp is parenting.

If the gym allows you to leave DD in the play area unsupervised and she is happy enough reading book/ playing. I do not see a problem with this arrangement.

15 minutes at home alone or getting up early. Those are perfectly reasonable options to give an 11 year old. I’d be very pissed at your DP for not supporting you. If she’s really frightened about being alone she could talk to you or your DP or her brother on the phone for 15 minutes!

Some of the replies on here are completely ridiculous. Clearly what you're doing is fine, actually it's the right thing for you and in no way unfair on an 11 year old. It's good for kids to see their parents prioritising their health.

As you said, your DH could drive or daughter stay at home.

Some people are such martyrs, suggesting you're selfish 🙄

Jesus Christ

The handwringing from some posters about leaving an 11 year old alone for

15 MINUTES!!!

Fuck me ... by the time she has had a wash, brushed teeth and got dressed OP will be home!

I bet some of you don't dare take the bins out while your kids are home until a second responsible adult arrives

And do your DS the greater service of not allowing his father to continue being the problem and setting the example that 'mother sorts it all'. Father can step back and everything will still happen as Mother will make it so...

DP has a problem with driving that is impacting the family, he is choosing not address this for whatever reason.

OP you are clearly frustrated by this attitude - can you imagine a young woman in a decades time accepting this kind of behavior from your DS if he defaults to DP's example?

Do both the kids a favour, get DP some specialist driving lessons so sort his 'fear' and let him behave like an adult rather than your third child.

The Mumsnet Martyrs are on form today.

YANBU OP.

Her daughter is only eleven. I think the OP's husband is a bit useless and OP is a bit selfish.

What's selfish about what the OP is doing, and why don't you think her partner is selfish too?