To think it’s not ‘cruel’ to take DD to the gym at 7.30am

[Eastie77Returns]

I attend an early gym class every Saturday morning. I leave the house around 7am.

I leave DS and DD at home with DP. He takes DS to football practice around 9am and DD tags along but she has become increasingly unhappy about having to go. I therefore gave her 2 other choices: come to the gym with with me or stay at home alone for 10/15 minutes as I’m home from the gym by 9.15-am latest. This morning I asked her what she wanted to do (I gave her the options earlier in the week so she had time to consider). She began complaining loudly saying none of the options were good ones and she just wanted me to stay at home with her. I explained that I was not prepared to miss my class and in the end she decided to come with me. As we were leaving DP began muttering that’s it’s unfair and cruel to drag her to a gym at the crack of dawn when Saturday morning should be her down time.

If it makes any difference, it’s a David Lloyd gym. DD is a member and she enjoyed a breakfast in the restaurant area and read a book while I did my class. She played with another girl in the play area and the two of them have signed up for a taster kids class so she was fine. But I’ve now received a text from my dad saying he’s heard (obviously from DP) from that “poor DD is being dragged to a gym on Saturdays” so she can stay with him on Friday evenings if she prefers. Obviously I would be expected to drop off and pick her up. I said no.

AIBU to think this is a load of fuss about absolutely nothing?

You can’t call someone selfish for no reason though.

So either you have your reasons and you’re just not saying, which is odd.

Or you’re one of those posters who just like to be rude and disagree with the OP.

@MsLuxLisbon

quite right , op should sit home with her daughter shouldn’t she

who cares if the gym class benefits op?

Her daughter should come first. The OP could do the gym after work, make her husband cook dinner. I'm not letting him off the hook, he needs to pull his weight as well.

@Trulyme why are you focussing just on me? plenty of others have said exactly that OP is selfish. Yes, I think it is selfish to get a child out of bed early to go to the gym and leave them sitting alone. Her partner is taking the other child to another activity. That’s my opinion. Given the age of the child, I don’t though say it is negligent as some others above have alluded to.
You clearly don’t think it is selfish. I’m not sure you have articulated and justified to me why you think that is so, but I haven’t asked you to, because I respect others’ views and can appreciate everyone views things through differing lenses.

Hope that helps.

Maybe her class only runs on a Saturday morning, or maybe she's at work when the other options are on.

But why can't the partner take his DD with him to the sons' football practise if he's so bothered? Why should OP miss the thing that benefits her?

It's "selfish" for the OP to do a weekly class at the gym? It's "selfish" for her to offer her 11-year-old three perfectly reasonable options? My definition of selfish must be very different to some posters'.

I remember as a child having to do stuff I didn’t want to and you know, that’s life. In this case I would say you’ve got a DP problem too. Who’s he to say you’re cruel when he contributes to the situation by not driving?

and this is why we have an entitled generation of youngsters. Their needs trump everybody else’s even if they are doing 3 of their own hobbies /week, and no matter the detriment to the mothers health.

imo it is good parenting to teach children that they cannot always come first and others needs should also be accommodated within the family unit. It’s a pity ops dh didn’t have that modelled to him.

Priority doesn't mean you spend every waking breathing living moment catering to them.

Being home alone and unattended for 15mins (or even 2h), with the rest of the weekend to spend with her parents... I think she'll live.

You're setting your child up for extreme anxiety and attachment issues.

My 12 year old doesn’t want to be left alone yet either. Tried it and he was really scared the whole time. All my other kids have been fine at that age so it just comes down to personality - they will get there.
Personally I think it’s either

1. stay in the gym cafe
2. you change to a different class
3. son goes 15 mins late to football
4. you pick up daughter from football on your way home from gym (probably what I would have done if it’s in the same vacinity)

If not in the same area I would have probably changed my gym class and then when DD felt ok to be left I would resume. I wouldn’t want DS to miss out football. However, if I felt DD was safe and fine in the cafe I might have done that but would use my judgement (not sure I would have left her alone and felt happy in the class - that’s a fine line for me)

@MsLuxLisbon

this! It’s hardly aversive for the daughter. Op needs to prioritise her health over her daughter not wanting to sit in a cafe or be left at home for 15 mins

op needs to come first here

a child’s wants doesn’t trump a parents needs

OP, it's obvious that some posters think that your daughter needs more of you, and not her father's, attention.

Is it possible to make her start primary school.again and stay there until.the day she turns 18 - at which point you throw her out to look after herself as she's an adult?

<Jeez, this place...>

Impressed she's out if bed tbh. My 11 Yr old doesn't usually appear until 8.30am and the teens well it's much later (unless it involves football 🙄)

I'd reply to your dad that if dh would drive then dd wouldnt have to be at the gym with me at 7.30am

I don't think you have done anything wrong OP. She wasn't keen on going at first, but as you said, ultimately she made a friend and entertained herself. It's not a bad thing for kids to do things that aren't always their first choice. I doubt if she'd have been better off at home alone either. Good for you taking time for your health too.

OP I think you are right to go to your class. Your DD has to learn to be on her own after school next year anyway and I think 15 minutes alone is an ideal way to learn a little independence. She knows it's a very short, fixed amount of time and hopefully would give her confidence.
What time would she wake up if she is staying at home? She could text or ring DP during those 15 minutes on her own if she feels the need for reassurance until you arrive.

Your husband sounds like a drip. He's giving me the ick.

I'd say you have a DH issue...

I’m just impressed you spend nearly two hours at the gym early Saturday morning.
Good for you, OP! You are allowed to prioritise your health and well-being. The child is fine.

Don't give up your class!

But your daughter would benefit from being able to be left alone for short periods at that age. Are you en-route home when DH/DS leave for football? Could she call you and have you on the end of the phone whilst you drive back?

It sounds like she's a confident girl, but there's something about being on her own in the house that concerns her. She's OK on her own at DL - is that because it's noisy, other people around, she knows you're nearby?

I think you should keep your gym slot but (and maybe someone has already mentioned this) you could make time during the week to do practicing being left alone? Start with a couple of minutes and go from there. Regardless of whether you keep the gym slot or not, she is going to have to get used to it at some stage.

7.30am on a Sat morning. The poor kid.

Yes she should be happy to be home alone but she isn't. Kids are like that, a bit inconvenient.

I just cannot believe this amazeballs class isn't available on a Sat at oh I don't know, 10am, 2pm?

A weekly class can surely be fitted in any other time.

You obviously don't understand how popular and difficult to book that classes are at some David Lloyd's. Especially if you have a job.

Can you put aside your man/underage boy hating for 5 secs to use a bit of a common sense?

Usually parents are expected to sacrifice for a child's development, more than a sibling is expected to sacrifice for the other (and I count being asked to let go of football way more of a sacrifice than being asked to stay home alone for 10-15 mins out of the whole weekend – plus anyway I'm sure DD has her own activities/choice of activities too).

Not that I think OP should have to sacrifice anything in this case bc DD is just being demanding TBVH. But assuming DD's demands were legitimate, between a parent giving up something (even something favourable for their well-being) and a child giving up a developmentally beneficial activity, the former is obviously preferable.

I think fear of being left alone in the house is completely normal and natural, she doesn't need to have a reason - it is innate

Yeah I'm sure there's more than a 7.30 slot.

Or, ooh try another gym?

All these people minimising the feelings of an 11yr old. Yes she'll of course be happy to be left at home alone at some point but fgs let her do it in her own time not just cos mum needs to do a bit of exercise that can be done absolutely anywhere anytime. Tried running op?

I agree she needs her down time on Saturday morning, I think YABU.

How about the boy goes with you to gym and then you take him straight on to football after, and leave the girl home with Dad?