To think it’s not ‘cruel’ to take DD to the gym at 7.30am

[Eastie77Returns]

I attend an early gym class every Saturday morning. I leave the house around 7am.

I leave DS and DD at home with DP. He takes DS to football practice around 9am and DD tags along but she has become increasingly unhappy about having to go. I therefore gave her 2 other choices: come to the gym with with me or stay at home alone for 10/15 minutes as I’m home from the gym by 9.15-am latest. This morning I asked her what she wanted to do (I gave her the options earlier in the week so she had time to consider). She began complaining loudly saying none of the options were good ones and she just wanted me to stay at home with her. I explained that I was not prepared to miss my class and in the end she decided to come with me. As we were leaving DP began muttering that’s it’s unfair and cruel to drag her to a gym at the crack of dawn when Saturday morning should be her down time.

If it makes any difference, it’s a David Lloyd gym. DD is a member and she enjoyed a breakfast in the restaurant area and read a book while I did my class. She played with another girl in the play area and the two of them have signed up for a taster kids class so she was fine. But I’ve now received a text from my dad saying he’s heard (obviously from DP) from that “poor DD is being dragged to a gym on Saturdays” so she can stay with him on Friday evenings if she prefers. Obviously I would be expected to drop off and pick her up. I said no.

AIBU to think this is a load of fuss about absolutely nothing?

This is DP problem.

And not only the not driving, the more important part was that when the OP had picked up a week day class, he was repeatedly late from work so she wasn't able to leave home.

The Saturday morning option is the only one he can't sabotage too easily.

I think 15 mins is fine, but the OP said her daughter didn’t want to be alone so then it’s not fine. If her daughters getting anxious that’s the bit that’s not OK.

And of course 17 year olds should be able to look after themselves I was a parent by that age.

And let’s not bother bringing my hideous childhood into this debate I was probably able to fend for myself by 5 as there was no one looking out for me and by 12 I was babysitting overnight for very young children as I needed the money for basics. My childhood is not the sort I would want any other child to have as childhood should be carefree, safe and wonderful.

People - DD is left by herself for 15 MINUTES she'll survive!

I don’t understand why you can’t just go 15 mins earlier and workout instead of do a class? My DH wakes up at 5am to go to the gym so he can be back to have breakfast with our DS. Weekends to me are for family time.

She wants to do a class. Why shouldn't she?!

OP isn't forcing her out of bed. She has the choice to stay there and either go out with her brother and father, or be in on her own for a short time till OP gets back. Or her father could drive so she doesn't even have to be on her own. Why can't one of those solutions be used? Why does it have to be OP giving up her one short class?

Oh dear lord. You have to be taking the mickey, surely?

I’m not naive. Unless ‘parenting’ means doing exactly what your children want, 24/7, and nobody’s ever told me?

It’s not the daughters fault her father refuses to drive. So unless the OP addresses that and all of the problems it’s causing so things are shared out 50/50 then that only leaves the OP.

Because her daughter is getting distressed.

So how come the child's father apparently hasn't signed up to it so far as you are concerned?

You just made that up.

It's not the OP's fault either.

If her daughters getting anxious that’s the bit that’s not OK.

Since when was the answer to anxiety to avoid the thing that makes you anxious? 15 minutes alone in the house is the perfect way to build up to be able to spend more time alone in the house.
I'm no doctor and I've never suffered from severe, diagnosed anxiety but is this how it's treated? Just avoiding things that make you anxious? How can that work? Your world could potentially become very, very small.
Anyhoo, that wasn't aimed at you @Tbry24 just musing. The dd has 3 choices. The OP does not need to sacrifice her 1 class a week. In fact if I were her, I would be telling dh and dd to come up with a solution that didn't involve me at all. Again, it is important for young girls to see their mums taking time for themselves. Especially when it's the OP doing the all of the running around the rest of the week because her dh doesn't want to drive.

Edited to add, sorry about your childhood 💐

So he was left home alone at 13. When he wasn’t that much older than the OP’s daughter.

In my experience it’s quite unusual for teens to have a parent at home every afternoon/evening, as most people finish work after schools end. It’s great that you managed to find a way to make it work though- I’m sure your son appreciated it.

If you’re concerned about your neighbour’s child then you could contact their school’s safeguarding lead, if you know which school they go to. I agree that 8 is young to be left alone every evening.

If she stays home she will be alone for 15 minutes it's hardly neglect

Good grief, some people's definition of "cruel" is so far off the truth. Did you not even read OP's posts? She doesn't have to watch her mother at the gym. Indeed, she ended up making. friend and having such a good time that she wants to go back.

And why is it all down to OP? Why shouldn't her father re-evaluate things and decide to drive to football so their daughter doesn't have to be left on her own?

It's a shame that so many people seem unable to recognise the damage that is being done to children by depriving them of opportunities to experience independence. No, it's worse than a shame. It's a tragedy. I don't think it's too dramatic to say that, given the huge increase in mental health issues among children and teens, and the links that have been made between those issues and the lack of independent activity permitted for young people.

I'm glad that the OP is resolute about continuing with her class. She and her DD will be all the better for it IMO.

Thanks. I’ve developed severe anxiety and agoraphobia in the last few years, due to my past, and no being forced to do the thing that’s the problem has the opposite effect. Sounds like it would help and should fix it but definitely in my case makes it a million times worse.

That’s why if the OP’s daughter is anxious I’d not leave her home alone, just wait until she’s older and not worrying.

I do think the use of the word "cruel" is very ill advised for this situation, from the OP's DH as well as some posters. Casual use of this word trivializes the experience of children who have experienced actual cruelty.

With the greatest of respect, you absolutely cannot conflate your experiences growing up with this. It is not the same, and you are doing yourself as well as OP and her daughter a disservice here.

Because there isn't a class available to OP at that time. Try reading her posts.

Why is not OP's husband's job to look after his daughter?

I'm feeling sorry for your unfortunate son if he wasn't allowed to learn independence as a child.

But she's not. If you read the OPs posts on this thread you would have seen that her DD met up with someone, had a great time and wants to go do another class.

It's only natural to be apprehensive before doing anything for the first time. Adults as well as children feel this. The OPs daughter has expressed this as being anxious. The DD is already going to school on her own - the next step is to spend some time on her own as she'll have to do this from September. The OP seems to be doing a great job by expanding her DDs abilities one step at a time. Come September, the DD will probably have to travel further to school and back on her own as well as being on her own when she gets home. Every time she does anything for the first time, she'll probably be apprehensive but once the first is over with, it'll be easier the next time, and the time after that.

Parenting is about raising a child to become an adult, and able to take care of themselves. Wrapping, no smothering, them in cotton wool doesn't do this. It's pretty shit parenting.

Of course it’s absolutely fine. A normal part
of being in a family. Nobody’s needs are always prioritised, everyone has to compromise from time to time.

I also surely can’t be the only person who laughed out loud at the poster who describes their 12 yr old child as ‘hard as nails’ because they catch the bus. Ludicrous.

This is such nonsense. A number of people on this thread have pointed out that for varying reasons they always had to get up early on Saturdays as children, or that their children do. Children who are very good at things like sports and music also do thet. Do you imagine all of those people become delinquents? I for one was always pretty well-behaved as a child, despite getting up early every Saturday in termtime, and I seem to have managed to keep myself out of trouble also as an adult.

Placemarking