To think it’s not ‘cruel’ to take DD to the gym at 7.30am

[Eastie77Returns]

I attend an early gym class every Saturday morning. I leave the house around 7am.

I leave DS and DD at home with DP. He takes DS to football practice around 9am and DD tags along but she has become increasingly unhappy about having to go. I therefore gave her 2 other choices: come to the gym with with me or stay at home alone for 10/15 minutes as I’m home from the gym by 9.15-am latest. This morning I asked her what she wanted to do (I gave her the options earlier in the week so she had time to consider). She began complaining loudly saying none of the options were good ones and she just wanted me to stay at home with her. I explained that I was not prepared to miss my class and in the end she decided to come with me. As we were leaving DP began muttering that’s it’s unfair and cruel to drag her to a gym at the crack of dawn when Saturday morning should be her down time.

If it makes any difference, it’s a David Lloyd gym. DD is a member and she enjoyed a breakfast in the restaurant area and read a book while I did my class. She played with another girl in the play area and the two of them have signed up for a taster kids class so she was fine. But I’ve now received a text from my dad saying he’s heard (obviously from DP) from that “poor DD is being dragged to a gym on Saturdays” so she can stay with him on Friday evenings if she prefers. Obviously I would be expected to drop off and pick her up. I said no.

AIBU to think this is a load of fuss about absolutely nothing?

Yet you advise op to?

Her daughter is 11. My daughter was getting the bus to the local ish shopping centre at 11 and on Monday she is going with a friend to our nearest city. She is 12 now. She is robust, resilient, adventurous and hard as nails. I don't get many things right, but encouraging independence in my kids is one thing I did do right.
They watched me do things for me. Even when it inconvenienced them. It did them the world of good.

Further to this, it is clear that you are no longer the unreasonable one. At 11 I think it's fair and good that voices her concerns about being uncomfortable at home alone and is listened to. However, DP could also provide a remedy by stepping up and driving when required.

I wouldn't have committed to a school where my kids would have had to do Saturdays for years. The OP's DD will settle at home in time, while your kids will still be getting up early on Saturdays.

The two things are not the same.

I was a little older when I started my Saturday job at 14, therefore I had to get up early every Saturday. I survived.

You're not U OP, your DP is. In fact he sounds a bit of a knob. Are there loads of other positives about your relationship or is he selfish in general?

My comprehension is just fine thank you, as are my manners.

We think the benefits outweighs the cons but the weeks with Saturday school ( not every Saturday by any means because they have exeats and longer holidays) ARE the con. For that reason, I am sharing my perspective with op. That ok?

Re the previous post, I agree dp is the heart of the problem .

Of course it does, when the situation is not only not frightening at all, but wouldn't ever BE frightening, as it's something as passive as staying in bed from 0900-0915 on a Saturday morning.

Honestly the mind-bending back-breaking ways people will try and make mothers feel bad for taking a couple of hours to themselves, even when they try and do it at the time least likely to impact anyone else.

Good for you.

DD may be an autumn baby but you are a sweet summer child with your naivety about parenting. Forcing a child to make an unpleasant choice every weekend when she should be carefree is only likely to cause behavioral issues further on in life for them.

OMG "behavioural issues"??? You really are scraping the bottom of the barrel now!

All children are different. The OP said her daughter doesn’t feel happy being alone.

I personally had to do a lot of stuff at a very young age that probably wasn’t OK with hindsight, but my parents weren’t looking out for me or meeting my needs.

This

This is the most ridiculous thing I've ever read.

@ZipZapZoom as well - maybe read OP's posts - the kid doesn't want to be home alone for the 15 mins between her mum returning and her dad going out.

Otherwise yes of course this is the answer

@ChedderGorgeous

it’s really not that unpleasant a choice

in fact when I was 11 breakfast out in a cafe and chance to spend time with other kids was actually a treat

She’s fine to be at the gym, it’s her choice really. OP has found an hour a week to squeeze in some “me time”, while the rest of the week she carts around her family, I think that’s perfectly reasonable.

And yet so many 11 year olds manage fine getting up at 7 or earlier on Saturdays. As I've mentioned, I did it myself, as I was at school on Saturdays, and I seem to have survived.

Of course, if she wants a sleep in she's free to have it, as OP gave her that option. If she doesn't want to be alone in the house, OP's husband could be there, but chooses not to be. Why is it all on OP?

If OP wasn't going to her gym class, she still wouldn't see her daughter at the relevant time because her daughter would be asleep.

As for vying for the attention of her parents - try reading OP's posts. This is absolute nonsense.

I think I know whether my son was ever left alone or not. Unless I was paying for childcare or myself and a friend were helping each other out with childcare my son was with me 247 as I was the only person he had. He was also only left with people I knew really well and trusted completely as I’ve had a traumatic DV past.

And no my son was never left alone until the second year in secondary, when he was 13, and he was only alone after school when I was at work for three terms. Then I switched jobs so I could cover everything at home better as I also had pets to look after. I don’t think that’s that unusual as it was my job to be a parent and look after him after all and be around if he ever needed me.

Also I was only mentioning my neighbours child as I am a bit concerned about it to be honest and I saw people were commenting on the NSPCC’s guidelines. I just would feel awful if there was a problem and the child is locked in and can’t get out or worse, I was hoping someone might have a suggestion as to what I should do about it tbh as I’m not sure what the options are.

It's 15 minutes alone @Tbry24 . We wonder why there's so many kids unable to do ANYTHING for themselves at 16, 17 onwards. There seems to be an abundance of kids with no friends, sitting in their rooms every weekend, apart from outings with family, its tragic but we normalise it now. I used to wolf my breakfast/lunch down and I was off until it started getting dark.
If your parents made you stay alone for long periods of time because they didn't care then I feel for you but the OP's dd has 3 different options. The OP doesn't need to sacrifice something that is important to her because non of those compromises appeal to an 11 year old. It does 11 year old girls the world of good to see their mum doing something for herself.

That I think parents, if there are two, should make a concerted effort to not leave their children home alone.

But in ops case……it’s 15 minutes 🤦🏽‍♀️ she hasn’t swanned off for hours for a bottomless brunch while her DD is left at home doing the housework.

Why is it OP who has to sacrifice her activities, not the child's father?

Exactly.

It's not an unpleasant choice, daughter has an irrational fear and the perfect way for her to realise it's irrational is to not pander to it.

Reminds me of when my son stubbed his toe and broke the nail. I got the nail scissors, he was scared it was going to hurt and was crying his eyes out. I asked him if he trusted me to not let anything hurt him, and he did, and let me cut the nail. It didn't hurt. Relief and smiles afterwards.

But maybe I shouldn't be encouraging my children to take the mildest of what could be considered 'risks'?!