To think it’s not ‘cruel’ to take DD to the gym at 7.30am

[Eastie77Returns]

I attend an early gym class every Saturday morning. I leave the house around 7am.

I leave DS and DD at home with DP. He takes DS to football practice around 9am and DD tags along but she has become increasingly unhappy about having to go. I therefore gave her 2 other choices: come to the gym with with me or stay at home alone for 10/15 minutes as I’m home from the gym by 9.15-am latest. This morning I asked her what she wanted to do (I gave her the options earlier in the week so she had time to consider). She began complaining loudly saying none of the options were good ones and she just wanted me to stay at home with her. I explained that I was not prepared to miss my class and in the end she decided to come with me. As we were leaving DP began muttering that’s it’s unfair and cruel to drag her to a gym at the crack of dawn when Saturday morning should be her down time.

If it makes any difference, it’s a David Lloyd gym. DD is a member and she enjoyed a breakfast in the restaurant area and read a book while I did my class. She played with another girl in the play area and the two of them have signed up for a taster kids class so she was fine. But I’ve now received a text from my dad saying he’s heard (obviously from DP) from that “poor DD is being dragged to a gym on Saturdays” so she can stay with him on Friday evenings if she prefers. Obviously I would be expected to drop off and pick her up. I said no.

AIBU to think this is a load of fuss about absolutely nothing?

Why can't DP stay at home until OP gets back from her class?
OP has picked a good time for her class as if DD is sleeping in, then she's not even miss her.

This whole thread is about 1/14th of the OP's week.

"Organise her life better"? Honestly, OP has stated DD does other stuff and knowing gyms it's not as easy to say "book another class". What if that impinges on another family activity.

(Anecdatally I'd also say 11 year olds aren't quite at teenage levels of lie in yet)

If she loves baking I would suggest to her to stay home and prep for Sat morning muffins for all the family - find a good reason for her to stay home by herself or she can invite a friend?
Or maybe ask if she will be by herself watching a baking show?
Maybe drill into why she feels uncomfortable being at home by hersel - maybe she could ring her grandfather at that time and speak to him for those 15mins?

This feels like it's part of the constant grind of men trying to deconstruct women prioritising themselves.

It's disappointing and predictable.

@Eastie77Returns you are not being unreasonable!!!

We are DL members so I completely understand the set up you mention in the club lounge. I know children who are younger than your daughter who stay there when parents are at classes!!

My children are much younger, but they get up and out the house to DL on a Sunday morning. They do classes and I do classes. Sometimes I wonder if it’s cruel, but it’s so important for my mental health plus like you said if we didn’t go we’d just mope around the house and be fatigued by inertia!

If your DD won’t stay at home, don’t feel guilty about taking her to DL at 7.30am - that’s her choice not yours :)

'No - she's being "dragged along" because her father would rather leave her alone to sit on the bus rather than drive his own son to football practise.'

We don't know why he won't drive I don't think the op has elaborated has she? Maybe he's a nervous driver and if yes then so what. Can't think anyone would choose a long bus journey if they were perfectly happy to drive.

I'd drive ds to footie, and do a few squats any other time whilst leaving an 11yr old to sleep in and dh doing cleaning whatever at home but then we are a completely reasonable household and don't bicker about crap like this.

A class at 7.30 with kid in toe 🙄

OP needs the gym sessions for her health. She can't put a health problem on hold for a few years.

Hold the front page!

Parent lets child discover that the world doesn’t revolve around their wants and other people have wants too!

I'd drive ds to footie, and do a few squats any other time whilst leaving an 11yr old to sleep in and dh doing cleaning whatever at home

Yep - OP could do her class and drive DS to football by the sounds of it, but for some reason, everyone seems to think the solution is for her to give up her class instead

Oh and DP can’t help with any of the proposed solutions that involve dropping DD or DS anywhere because he refuses to drive🙄 He has a full license and is on my insurance but won’t drive. The reason he has to leave the house at 9am sharp is because he takes DS to football via a long bus journey when he could drive him there in about 20 mins. That’s a whole different thread.

I just came across this. This explains a lot, doesn't it? He's opted out of being a fllexible, resourceful, problem-solving parent and left that to you. He's the parent who can't be expected to do stuff because he won't drive. You are supposed to be the one who whizzes round sorting put solutions while he's the slow, negative parent with a built-in get-out clause (I can't, you know I don't drive).

That and the fact that he had a conversation about this with his father and clearly wound his dad up enough to encourage you to take on four hours of driving (an hour to get DD there on Friday, an hour home for you, an hour to pick her up and another hour to return) would give me major pause for thought and concern. I'd have enormous difficulty respecting a partner who played that game. For me, once respect is gone, it's over.

Can't help wondering whether anything DP is saying or modelling to your daughter is encouraging her fear of being alone in the house. I can see that it might suit his narrative to have her nervous and you pinned down by her needs.

Anecdatally I'd also say 11 year olds aren't quite at teenage levels of lie in yet
Working with them in a residential setting, over several decades as well as having a couple of my own I would disagree!
In OPs shoes I would be letting her now that I was going to the gym in the morning, and saying ‘ come with me if you want or have a lie in, I’ll be back at….. whatever time.

Your husband sounds like hard work, OP.

Did he actually contact YOUR dad to say poor DD was being dragged out against her will? How dare he.

We are DL members and I agree, it's perfectly safe for an 11 year old to wait for her mum who's in a class - she won't be the only one.

Presume she'll be happy to get there early when the pool is open soon - will that be mean too, then?

I have to say, a DP who is physically and mentally capable of driving a car that is available to him, but won't, would have me reconsidering my relationship long term.

'OP needs the gym sessions for her health. She can't put a health problem on hold for a few years.'

You don't need a David Lloyd gym (did she mention it was David Lloyd?) To exercise.

Op some of the replies you’re getting are insane! I have fond memories of playing with other kids while my mum did an exercise class back in the 1980’s (leotards over cycling shorts and leg warmers 😁) if she doesn’t see you making time for yourself and exercising how will she learn to do it herself.

Really weird logic. OP has to work, so can't just choose to skive off to another class during the week. On the other hand, her daughter could stay at home in bed as long as she likes, if her father would just leave 15 minutes later and drive to football.

And why is it so unbelievable that the class isn't available later? The teacher has her own child. Perhaps this is the only time she can offer?

I don’t want my kids to feel an inconvenience and will put them first in that context

To be fair, 11 years olds don't need 'looking after' in the same way that younger children do, and are perfectly capable of small bouts of independence, so let's say for arguments sake that OP stays home on a Saturday morning to make sure she is putting her daughter first above herself.. and the daughter doesn't get out of bed till 9:30am, then what's the point of that? She isn't spending any meaningful time with her daughter during that time, or refusing the daughter an activity of her choosing so she can do her own thing, we're talking 15 minutes out of the whole day, where activities of both parents cross over each other and the 11 year old would need to just be at home.

I was walking home alone from school at 11 with my own key and coming home to an empty house, having that independence is just part of growing up.

But does it have to be that particular class?

I agree with you OP - this is a huge fuss over absolutely nothing.

You are doing the right thing.

You have given your DD the choice and I guess she'll shortly favour 15mins home alone over an early morning trip to DL - all good!

I think you need to re-evaluate what your DH is bringing to the party.

Can ... but won't drive - how very precious!

You seem to be stuck with a lot of the heavy lifting and logistical problem solving.

Another classic batshit MN thread.

Sorry your husband is such a dobber OP. Don't you dare give up that class.

@Janiie

no. Op needs to do exercise. Exercise is essential for physical and mental health. Not that you’d ever know that on mumsnet

Well bully for you! It might be "crap" to you but it's important to the OP and WTF shouldn't it be?! She doesn't have a "kid in toW" - the child is not in the class.

I started leaving my kids home alone for short periods when they were 10 and they were absolutely fine - and I am a worry wart!

OP has explained why it does.

I wouldn't have asked. My choice (and dd2s school is 8.00 am.). 7.30 isn't that early. Annoying maybe but tbh no pity from me.

Jealous and bitter are we?