To think it’s not ‘cruel’ to take DD to the gym at 7.30am

[Eastie77Returns]

I attend an early gym class every Saturday morning. I leave the house around 7am.

I leave DS and DD at home with DP. He takes DS to football practice around 9am and DD tags along but she has become increasingly unhappy about having to go. I therefore gave her 2 other choices: come to the gym with with me or stay at home alone for 10/15 minutes as I’m home from the gym by 9.15-am latest. This morning I asked her what she wanted to do (I gave her the options earlier in the week so she had time to consider). She began complaining loudly saying none of the options were good ones and she just wanted me to stay at home with her. I explained that I was not prepared to miss my class and in the end she decided to come with me. As we were leaving DP began muttering that’s it’s unfair and cruel to drag her to a gym at the crack of dawn when Saturday morning should be her down time.

If it makes any difference, it’s a David Lloyd gym. DD is a member and she enjoyed a breakfast in the restaurant area and read a book while I did my class. She played with another girl in the play area and the two of them have signed up for a taster kids class so she was fine. But I’ve now received a text from my dad saying he’s heard (obviously from DP) from that “poor DD is being dragged to a gym on Saturdays” so she can stay with him on Friday evenings if she prefers. Obviously I would be expected to drop off and pick her up. I said no.

AIBU to think this is a load of fuss about absolutely nothing?

Selfish of the DP you mean? It could all be solved if he drove DS to football.

Maybe DP has a conscience about the future of the planet and is setting a good example to your children? Good for him

What exactly is wrong with going to the gym on a Saturday morning? Plenty of people are up and about before 7:00. Even on a Saturday, perish the thought!

DP is taking Ds to an activity for Ds. Therefore it falls to OP to care as appropriate for the Dp in question. OP is placing her needs above that of DP.

Then it is a good opportunity to build up some resilience. It’s 15 minutes.

I’m a member of a David Lloyd gym and would have been happy to leave my DD in the cafe at 11. There are always loads of staff around. And booking classes is a nightmare, so quite understand your booking the early class.

As your DD seems to have enjoyed herself, anyone commenting that it was ‘cruel’ to take her is dealing with incomplete information.

I don’t get the hating on your DH for not driving either. I know a number of people who don’t drive. I didn’t until we left London. We should all drive less anyway for the sake of the environment.

YANBU. I was married to a man with a full driving licence who hasn’t driven for 30 years. It was one of the reasons we divorced. You deserve time for yourself, and you have provided options for your DD. I wouldn’t give it any more headspace.

I don't know, I'm starting to feel like the devil incarnate for daring to raise my head befoe midday on a Saturday😅

Ironically DD will often get up extremely early on a Sunday as she likes to have the kitchen to herself to make pancakes or muffins - she loves baking.

I don't know why child being awake at 7am on a Saturday has provoked so much ire and concern.

Your DP sounds like a selfish and self-absorbed idiot, sorry. Don’t give up your class whatever you do. Maybe you need to find your anger and spell out to him exactly how crap and one-sided his expectations are re how much you do and he does for the kids.

What the hell is wrong with everyone? Given 3 options, your DD came with you and by the sound of it had a lovely time. If she wanted a lie in, then she could have. It was HER choice!
I think people misunderstand and think that you are saying that you gave your toddler a choice of what she wanted to do, but at 11, I would not have said that being on your own in the house for 15/20 mins is a bad thing.
Good for you for not giving up your class on a Sat morning.

Pandering to DD by cancelling my class is not putting her first. I'd be doing her a massive disservice and teaching her that women must always be subservient to the demands of the family and men, even to the detriment of their own physical and mental wellbeing.

If you think being a good mother means being a martyr and putting everyone else first, that's cool. We'll agree to disagree.

@Eastie77Returns you’re great, carry on. Your DD will thank you one day.

I don’t know how you bear your partner, though! Doesn’t sound much of a partnership, frankly. He surely must either be lying about being phobic about driving or lying about having a full clean licence?

Did you just come on the thread to try and put the OP down? You are coming across as a bit of an arse.

Then build up the resilience stages and hopefully OP can get to her gym class in a few weeks. Win all around. In the meantime, don’t make a child who says they are uncomfortable being alone feel like an inconvenience

DP could leave later if he drove DS to the activity.
Then there would be no issue.
How is this the OP placing her needs about that of DP?

"Good for him", my arse!!! "Conscience"!!!! Well he doesn't have one so far as his partner is concerned, does he? He certainly doesn't sound like he's polishing his green credentials to me. Utter bull!

He's just yet another selfish, useless prick who doesn't share the family load! Why the hell won't he just drive? That would tip me over the edge. If he's nervous he can have refresher lessons - DH and I had to do that once after years of not driving to having to drive every day.

@Eastie77Returns stick to your guns here. Your DD has a choice. Plenty of 11 years olds go into town, to the cinema etc. Nothing wrong with either her going to the cafe at DL or being home alone for a few minutes, and don't let any numpty tell you that there is!

She can stay at home and relax all she wants, it just means she has to be on her own for fifteen minutes.

If she doesn't want to do that then yes, the options are football practise or early start at the gym with mum. Hardly the end of the world

I know, it's crazy isn't it? Plenty of people are up and about at 7am and earlier on a Saturday morning.

You did nothing wrong, she won't be harmed by getting up and going to DL with you on a Saturday morning.
My Dd attended a Saturday gym class with me from when she was about 5 We left the house at 7.40 class at 8 followed by a milkshake that was the highlight of the day. She spent the class playing with other hard done to kids who were also there waiting for parents.
She chose to come even when Dh was at home on a rare day off.

OP, year 6 is the perfect time for DD to learn some independence and get used to being ‘home alone’. Avoidance breeds anxiety and as you’ve said, you don’t want it going on indefinitely. As they transition to secondary school and the homework builds up, it can be far more efficient to leave them alone for periods of time whilst you take some time for yourself or run errands.

On a practical level you can discuss what’s bothering her and practise some life skills - does she know how to call 999? Is there a protocol for if the door bell rings? Who are her emergency contacts (the neighbours) and does she have their numbers? Have you briefed them so they would be aware? It’s worth covering some basic first aid and having a spare set of keys with a neighbour too.

Once you’ve done some scenario planning you can start graduated exposure to being alone - popping out on foot, 5/10/15 mins (and ideally working up to at least an hour or two) similarly popping out in the car, building up the times. It’s the only way she’ll get over the fear that ‘something bad is going to happen’. In terms or reassurance you can also give her the DL number and text her when you leaving the gym to come home. The most likely situation is she’ll sleep through the whole time.

I appreciate this shouldn’t all fall on your shoulders but let’s face it.. it’s most likely going to… and it’s worth it as it’s so liberating when you can trust them to be home alone for a while. Good luck and enjoy your classes - I love body pump!

This is easily done if DP drives DS to football.
Would that be acceptable to you or does OP have to give up her class?

I'd be doing her a massive disservice and teaching her that women must always be subservient to the demands of the family and men, even to the detriment of their own physical and mental wellbeing.
From the way you’ve talked about your DH (who you clearly don’t like) you are teaching her that anyway by being a mug for the rest of the week. I don’t think you are BU to go to your class or leave her unattended etc, I think what you did is fine. But one gym session a week in a misbalanced marriage isn’t teaching her anything positive.

It’s not that the class isn’t available at other times, it’s just that you have to get up at 2am in order to book a place at popular classes at convenient times.

Don't be so obtuse!

I know the op's husband is getting some stick for not driving, when he has a licence. However, there must be a reason that he chooses to travel by public transport rather than getting in the car. I completely lost my nerve for driving when I was thirty-five, never drove again. My car sat in the drive for a year before I sold it, it had a plant growing out of the bonnet.

Many people didn't understand though I tried to explain. I'd never had an accident but was terrified. After that my husband was the only driver, he was uncomplaining about it thank goodness.

The op's husband may feel similar and not want to admit it.

The boy's football cannot be rescheduled. I would think he will soon be old enough to take the bus on his own but maybe not yet.

The op could possibly reschedule her gym class for a bit later if her daughter is scared to be alone at home. Hopefully, the fear will not last too long but it does happen and she will appreciate her feelings being taken into consideration.

Sometimes we have to compromise.

Should have read op is placing her needs above dd
ie by making her feel an inconvenience to go to a gym class. However appreciate im viewing (as I said above!) through my lens - I just don’t think a gym class is enough of a priority to make my dp feel like she is an inconvenience.