To think it’s not ‘cruel’ to take DD to the gym at 7.30am

[Eastie77Returns]

I attend an early gym class every Saturday morning. I leave the house around 7am.

I leave DS and DD at home with DP. He takes DS to football practice around 9am and DD tags along but she has become increasingly unhappy about having to go. I therefore gave her 2 other choices: come to the gym with with me or stay at home alone for 10/15 minutes as I’m home from the gym by 9.15-am latest. This morning I asked her what she wanted to do (I gave her the options earlier in the week so she had time to consider). She began complaining loudly saying none of the options were good ones and she just wanted me to stay at home with her. I explained that I was not prepared to miss my class and in the end she decided to come with me. As we were leaving DP began muttering that’s it’s unfair and cruel to drag her to a gym at the crack of dawn when Saturday morning should be her down time.

If it makes any difference, it’s a David Lloyd gym. DD is a member and she enjoyed a breakfast in the restaurant area and read a book while I did my class. She played with another girl in the play area and the two of them have signed up for a taster kids class so she was fine. But I’ve now received a text from my dad saying he’s heard (obviously from DP) from that “poor DD is being dragged to a gym on Saturdays” so she can stay with him on Friday evenings if she prefers. Obviously I would be expected to drop off and pick her up. I said no.

AIBU to think this is a load of fuss about absolutely nothing?

Well done for setting a great example to your children by the way you fit in exercise and paying for them to be members of a great gym. Go you !

What is the actual problem with an 11 year old child being left to eat a snack and play with another child for 45 minutes while her parent is 2 mins away doing an exercise class? She is not being left alone in a crackhouse. This David Lloyd's is basically like a club and spa with a gym almost built in as an afterthought. DD was fine.

I mean it was such a traumatic experience for her that I came back to find her playing a racquet sport with another kid and tomorrow she is going back to the same venue to learn Padel Tennnis with that child so clearly she hates the place.

I might go crazy and leave her on the Padel court tomorrow while I go and get a coffee.

Someone call the NSPCC.

Go to your class as usual on your own come back and see what has happened. Is DD still asleep - a distinct possibility. Has she gone out with DH and DS - unlikely. Has DH made other arrangements for getting to football so is still at home when you get home. Who knows. The child has two parents. One of them is not available for an hour on Saturday morning. She has to learn to cope.

Next week OP leaves alone at 7am. She leaves a note saying she'll be back by 9:15 and DP can have her car. She turns her phone off. She has a lovely class. She goes home and hands DP her car keys.

The more I read about your DP the more he comes across as a selfish twat. Are you going to keep posting about it or are you actually going to do something about it? His behaviour is not ok and you are clearly unhappy…

👏👏👏

When PPs say that the child "needs to come first," I would argue that teaching her a bit of independence (as well as the all-important message that other people in the family have needs too) is precisely putting the child first. It is important for her to develop these skills and this empathy. Why should she be allowed to dictate that her mother stays home with her just because that's what she wants? That isn't putting her first, that's pandering to unreasonable demands.

This is not man hating.

The problem only arises as DP - who happens to be a man - refuses to use his full clean drivers licence to drive DS to football and chooses to take a long bus journey.

If he would drive, then OP would be back from the gym, DP would then still have time to drive DS to football DD would never be home alone...

The other point being that DP behaves like a child running to tell tales to OP's father that she wont give up her 45 minute class, so DD has to be alone for 15 minutes or get up at 7, so DP can choose to take an unnecessary and long bus journey to football...

Yes OP is sooo wrong and everyone is man hating...

Exactly.

Yes that does help thanks.

She’s not being forced to get out of bed early though, she has 3 options and the DD chose this option.

I don’t think it’s selfish to allow a child to make her own choices if she’s more than happy with them.

Well said.

Sure, you provided a reasonable alternative solution (although I wonder if a woman would get half that amount of flak on here for being a nervous driver) that has nothing to do with the post I quoted. The post I quoted wants the boy to give up his football for his sister's sake.

OP you sound amazing and it’s so bloomin refreshing to hear a woman on here who has it clear that she needs some time for her own health, exercise, leisure.You will be fab example for DD and think you have dealt with problem admirably giving choices. Stick to your guns. DP most definitely needs to step up though.

Honestly she has to go with you to the class, it's good for her to see you exercising and looking after yourself. She gets to enjoy a nice environment and mix with other kids. Don't be worn down by them. She will soon be happy to stay alone. Or she goes to football.

You run her around to her activities this is her compromise. The world does not revolve around kids or adults.

Tbh to get any benefit you need to be going more than once a week. I'd suggest twice at least.

Let your dd have a sleep in, accept she isn't ready to be left and just organise things better.

Or maybe her dad could take her to football practise with her brother and then she doesn't have to get up at 7.30am or be left on her own?

'Honestly she has to go with you to the class, it's good for her to see you exercising and looking after yourself'

'Good for her' to see the op exercising?! Not at 7.30am it isn't.

'Or maybe her dad could take her to football practise with her brother and then she doesn't have to get up at 7.30am or be left on her own?'

Ooo footie practise or waiting at a 7.30 gym class. What lovely choices for an 11yr old on a weekend!

Maybe, just maybe a parent could stay home while she relaxes and has a lie inl

What a big bloody palava over nothing! Tell your daughter either come with you or can be in her own for 15 min till you return. At 11 it’s perfectly fine.

We had to go and sit at the side of the class whilst my mum did aerobics in the 90s. No iPads, no smart phones, no kids club, no supervision, no options given. We were children and my mum was the adult so we did as we were told. It isn’t cruel. People need to get an absolute grip!

Nothing at all wrong with what you’re doing.

Absolutely no reason why you should not put yourself first for a measly 2 hours of the week when you work damn hard and cater to the needs of everyone around you.

It is not always easy for a woman to carve out time for herself in a family situation and when she does there can be pressure for her to quit. But actually everyone else needs to get on board.

I would do as you are doing op. Exercise is important to me and I would tell everyone in my family who kicked up a fuss that it is their job to accommodate me once a week. Both options you’ve given dd are fine.

not doing her any favours? I think you would be doing her the favour called Parenting her by not going to your class. Or by going but coming home 15 minutes early

I've explained upthread that I've booked classes after work and other times but it doesn't always work out because DP will get home from work late so I miss the class or something else crops up. Since I get penalised for booking and not turning up, I've decided to book a slot that I can guarantee I can make which is the earliest time on a Saturday. Then I have the rest of the weekend to devote to DD - since so many of you are convinced she is neglected.

Pandering to DD by cancelling my class is not putting her first. I'd be doing her a massive disservice and teaching her that women must always be subservient to the demands of the family and men, even to the detriment of their own physical and mental wellbeing.

If you think being a good mother means being a martyr and putting everyone else first, that's cool. We'll agree to disagree.

Are you missing the bit where she is 11 and has the choice of staying in for 15 minutes on her own until her mum gets back?! She has picked the option of going to the gym. She’s hardly being taken to a prisoner of war camp! So dramatic over nothing.

Because she is uncomfortable being left alone.