Brother has swindled DM out of over £100k- desperate advice please

[Unicornfairysoap]

Sorry I’m posting in aibu for traffic.

this is long, you may remember such threads as brother Pretended to dying DF to be in the navy to get money, pretend to be in mi6, threatened me with a multi billion £ law suit for saying he doesn’t have a PhD (he literally doesn’t, so it’s a stupid lie)

well DF died a few years ago and it’s been just dm, she lives 2/3 hrs away from my, brother lives closer. She works part time (20hrs a week) and gets my dads old pension and hers, which I’ve totalled as around £3.5k per month (no mortgage just bills). She’s been frequently crying to me she’s not got any money, I thought she was having me on a bit, but I had suspicions brother had claws in. Well she was visiting yesterday and broke down from not being able to pay her bills, she just kept repeating she’s not earning enough now, which she clearly is. The bills were only a few hundred too and she’s not the type to ask for money. I got quite concerned, and I noticed constant phone calls and texts coming in from brother. Now he’s the type that doesn’t contact unless he needs or wants something.

she went to the loo, and I snooped. I know it’s a total break of trust but I was genuinely concerned. I saw a list she’d wrote to him when he was telling her she was dead to him because she couldn’t give him £4k at the drop of a hat. The list went from 2019-2022 (so not even the last 18 months) and it detailed how she’d given him £120k over that time. He’s been going on luxurious holidays in that time. In a legal dispute with his ex. But he’s taking her to the cleaners and im genuinely worried. I looks like pure coercive control and an abusive relationship.

thing is i can’t tell her I looked and saw what I saw. She won’t take kindly to me calling social services or the police to talk with her, it will likely push her further to him.

shes 73 and he’s taken probably £150k at least

What is your mum actually saying though op. You are skirting round the issue with his American z contract issue. The fact is have you addressed the core issue. What does she say about it all. Because earlier you say she'd wised up. But actually that isn't really the case, is it? Nothing good will come of this until the core issue is addressed by her, when she finally admits it to you. But that hasn't happened as yet. Is it likely to?

Could he have borrowed money from a shark, and now they're trying to find out more so they can hound him/your mum/you for money?

Don't mention to your mum if that's a possibility as she'd pay off any money for him.

I’ve not shared the contract with her but the calls, after talking she also thinks have been faked.

id say she’s come to a phase of realisation, but it’s a process and I think will need constant reminding as he, when he talks, is very believable

she’s come to a phase of realisation, but it’s a process and I think will need constant reminding as he, when he talks, is very believable

The only thing to do here is to never, ever, believe a word out of his mouth. Ever!

I mean it’s not out of the realm of possibility but I think what’s really happening is that he’s living beyond his means and wants it all. I think he meets this women and cultivates an image that’s more successful and more affluent than he is, for instance he wanted a house with his ex, a lavish beach wedding, a brand new suv all to cultivate this ‘successful’ image. So as he can’t finance it, he turns to the bank of mum and dad and then he spins tall tales, turns on the guilt basically pulls at any chord to get the money. He woos them with holidays, gifts, jewellery etc .

i think a lot of it stems from an inferiority complex, he’s a very entitled man, who was the ‘golden child’ (in narcissistic parent terms for anyone who doesn’t know) and could do no wrong, so he has a life time of limited or no consequences for his actions. He’s stolen jewellery, pension money, Christmas money, wages, used to steal credit cards and debit cards to the extent my parents would carry dummy expired cards in their wallet and wrap their actual cards in receipts to hide in their wallet/ purse. Got very low grades in all his exams because he spent so much time gaming (on specialist gaming PCs bought by my parents) but was still told how brilliant he was etc. Physically very very aggressive, especially towards me and then later DM. There was only one way that he would go and it’s this way

Pretty much yes! And that’s what I’m trying to instil that without proof and undeniable proof because as we’ve seen he’ll try to doctor things to be ‘proof’, everything must be taken with a grain of salt

So your parents enabled his behaviour, almost encouraged it - carrying fake credit cards and actually wrapping real one sim receipts ?!! So as not to challenge or upset him? Were they afraid of him? Did he threaten them or pretend he was suicidal?!

Sorry to say they created this monster and your mum won’t want to accept her accountability. Who would? But he needs to be stopped by relevant authorities. I think impersonating the government and fraud route is the best way probably and go from there. Your mums in a weird position of wanting to protect and be protected from him. She needs to acknowledge who and what her son is.

You are doing your best OP, a lot of ppl wouldn’t bother with the way they were tested growing up - must have been hellish.

Good luck, she’s lucky to have you!

Is there any chance that the physical aggression will ramp up if he doesn't get anywhere with his latest ploys? If so, please do notify the Police if you haven't already. Desperate people do desperately unpleasant things. Apologies if you have already alerted them and I've missed it.

Also echo what @RadioWhatsNew says - we are paid on the last working day of the month AND there is a salary scale. For example, it should read along the lines of "Salary range: £31,716 - £35,862 per annum". Depending on skills and experience, one would generally start at the lower rate, and progress upwards annually (or as agreed) year on year until you reach the upper rate.

I hope some of the advice on here is helpful. And I really hope the brother can be stopped and face punishment for what he's done. It really needs to stop, properly stop, before it robs the OP and her DM of any more of their remaining peace (and money). He needs to be blocked and sent permanently packing, though I appreciate this is far easier said than done.

Best wishes to you @Unicornfairysoap .

Tbh with you they did enable it. He used to game to 4/5 am, keep everyone awake shouting at the screen, and I’m talking mid 00s when the internet and gaming wasn’t as sophisticated as it is now, so basically no one else could use the internet, he was early teens and rather than say right, this is an addiction we’re cutting you off, they went and bought him specialist gaming equipment because he asked for it. My father worked away so maybe there was some guilt there too.

i don’t know if it was fear or just to keep him happy or actually the fact that he kept doing it over and over again, so they thought it was best to have a no cash rule in the house and credit cards to be hidden was the best way to prevent his stealing. He’d become physically aggressive at any sort of consequences. But he was the golden child, I often, especially because he’s very manipulative, got scapegoated. The majority of his violence was on me. DF being way meant that as he grew up, he was physically stronger than both me and DM and very capable of hurting you, which to me he did, and often.

No, I think the physical aggression was because he could get away with it. I’d call the policy because he was choking me, they’d come and DM would say I did it to myself for attention for instance whereas now, any assault on me or her would be reported and he couldn’t get away with it.

the last time he went for me I was pregnant and he kicked me in the shins and shoulder barged me. Whereas before, he’d literally fly at you.

the advice is very useful thanks to all! I’m in the really tricky situation of my dm not wanting police involved but my feeling it is necessary. I feel like I’m walking a fine line as to not push her back to him by doing sometbing she asked me not to do yet needing to do something, last time I took a step back he managed to swindles the DPs out of the £100k!

@Unicornfairysoap That's good to hear that you are better-placed in regards to physical safety. Jesus though - that must have been very hard to take, your mum saying that you'd "done it to yourself" - and must remain hard to live with. I'm so sorry.

Sometimes what a person needs has to outweigh what they actually want - especially if they have diminished capacity or are unable to understand the consequences. It's very, very tricky. But serious enough, I would argue, to warrant Police involvement. If he's currently in a relationship (of sorts), then she and her parents may need protecting too.

I am so sorry. I wish I had better advice to offer. I hope you can get through this and find peace and happier times ahead. x

Thank you lovely!

i do agree

although his new partner, im not sure about, she has also threatened to take me to court for ‘billions of £s’ in a utterly fictional lawsuit that she claimed her employer was backing against me personally (for stating my B doesn’t have the phd he’s claiming to have, so some bizarre reason she felt that was an affront to her and despite working in an admin role, that a claim of her partner falsifying qualifications, cast aspersions onto the company she worked for, and the company (a d’amour financial service provider) were taking it very seriously). It was full on loony toons and ashamed to say I lost my cool with her whilst she was threatening to make my kids homeless. Point being, she’s either the thickest person on the planet or he’s met his soulmate

He’s very mentally damaged.
he is using coercive control in threatening suicide etc
i would take it to the police.
to be honest time in prison or being bought to task and maybe forced to get help could only be a good thing.
he’s not going to kill himself he’s a bully

"Point being, she’s either the thickest person on the planet or he’s met his soulmate"

The two are not necessarily mutually exclusive.

Ye gods - I reiterate my sincere sympathy. Ultimately the day will come (sorry - and no disrespect intended to your mother) when you can block him from your phone and your life for ever.

He was the golden child, I often, especially because he’s very manipulative, got scapegoated. The majority of his violence was on me. DF being way meant that as he grew up, he was physically stronger than both me and DM and very capable of hurting you, which to me he did, and often ... I’d call the policy because he was choking me, they’d come and DM would say I did it to myself for attention for instance ...

Then frankly your parents let you down very, very badly and your mother's lucky to have you in her corner instead of being completely non-contact

I wonder if you've asked yourself whether you're doing this because you genuinely want to support her or whether it's some sort of attempt to win approval? Because as I've said before I very much doubt this "learning process" of hers will last, especially now your brother's suicide threats have started

God, that sounds awful. Funnily enough there are parallels with my own family here. My dad didn’t work away but he worked long hours and was very much in the background, guilt £, a brother who began to rule the roost and was physically violent - your situation is much worse now, obviously and it’s very serious.

It’s awful when parents throw money at problem children and prioritise them to make things easier while the non-problem child is left to get on with things bc they’re… not a problem. It’s a quick fix solution that obv makes for a worse outcome as bad behaviour isn’t addressed, just pasted over. But if your dad was away, I guess it was easier for your mum to cope with your brothers behaviour - to make it go away by giving him what he wanted and appeasing him.

She must regret it and she must, must acknowledge what he has become, if only to protect herself, and YOU, OP. He sounds so volatile and unstable, I’m really glad you’re taking steps to get outside support. I wish you all the very best with it, I really do x

Your mother is very lucky to have you in her life, despite her very serious failings when you were growing up. Please take care of yourself in this situation and know that while you may feel you have a duty to protect your mother here, it would be ok to have boundaries and pass that duty on to someone else if you’re negatively impacted by being involved in this situation.

I have thought about it and if I’m being very very self aware (and probably self critical) there is the obvious fact that what he is doing and what he has done is morally wrong ( I mean he bought props to prove he was in the navy to get more money from a dying man) and I do believe he should be called out on his behaviour and not indulged in these stupid and dangerous fantasies. But the very self aware part of me wonders if it’s now a bit of vindication, that he’s proved me right, he’s the person I always said he was.

@Unicornfairysoap you know whats happening her and hopefully now so does your mother! tell her that if she does not want this to get any worse then she has to allow you to control her money. if knows that you are a good honest person then she should trust you. if not, then just let her lose everything to her son but make sure she knows that she cannot come crawling back to you when everything goes belly up! also get her to make you POA. only then will your brother stop this. report all this to the police and let them file charges!

He sounds cold, calculating, ruthless and utterly remorseless as he keeps going and doesn’t care who he targets. Not a shred of sympathy or human empathy.

https://www.simplypsychology.org/psychopathy-vs-sociopathy.html

So many people have urged you to report this to the police. I cannot understand why we are 17 pages into the thread and you still haven't done it.

Please protect your mother by reporting what happened to the police. He is most definitely committing an offence and he needs to be stopped.

That is fabulously batshit.

Completely agree it makes no sense whatsoever

Very similar happened with Op's first thread a while back....

Because I have no proof of a crime, he made up the circumstances but dm gave him the money voluntarily. She has capacity, end of. It’s a moral crime sure, but it’s not a criminal offence. I’ve sought legal advice on this

hes said he needs government level clearance but he’s been very particular in his wording in implying it’s a government job not not explicitly stating