Brother has swindled DM out of over £100k- desperate advice please

[Unicornfairysoap]

Sorry I’m posting in aibu for traffic.

this is long, you may remember such threads as brother Pretended to dying DF to be in the navy to get money, pretend to be in mi6, threatened me with a multi billion £ law suit for saying he doesn’t have a PhD (he literally doesn’t, so it’s a stupid lie)

well DF died a few years ago and it’s been just dm, she lives 2/3 hrs away from my, brother lives closer. She works part time (20hrs a week) and gets my dads old pension and hers, which I’ve totalled as around £3.5k per month (no mortgage just bills). She’s been frequently crying to me she’s not got any money, I thought she was having me on a bit, but I had suspicions brother had claws in. Well she was visiting yesterday and broke down from not being able to pay her bills, she just kept repeating she’s not earning enough now, which she clearly is. The bills were only a few hundred too and she’s not the type to ask for money. I got quite concerned, and I noticed constant phone calls and texts coming in from brother. Now he’s the type that doesn’t contact unless he needs or wants something.

she went to the loo, and I snooped. I know it’s a total break of trust but I was genuinely concerned. I saw a list she’d wrote to him when he was telling her she was dead to him because she couldn’t give him £4k at the drop of a hat. The list went from 2019-2022 (so not even the last 18 months) and it detailed how she’d given him £120k over that time. He’s been going on luxurious holidays in that time. In a legal dispute with his ex. But he’s taking her to the cleaners and im genuinely worried. I looks like pure coercive control and an abusive relationship.

thing is i can’t tell her I looked and saw what I saw. She won’t take kindly to me calling social services or the police to talk with her, it will likely push her further to him.

shes 73 and he’s taken probably £150k at least

Just to add - my degree was in a particular foreign language and a couple of my classmates got jobs with GCHQ. There is no way that they paid for their own vetting.

There is honestly no reason to lie, deceive and guilt the woman any more than she is already being lied to, the best thing OP can do is be there 100% for her, be transparent and honest, be none judgemental and support her in finding the inner strength to put a stop to this utter cretin.

Hopefully in time her mum will come to her senses and start putting safeguarding measures in place, potentially letting OP have more control to keep him firmly locked out, or face criminal charges. But at the end of the day her mum is free to spend her money how she likes, and if she thinks this is the only way she can get her sons love and approval she may carry on and there's not much that can be done unfortunately.

Don't know whether you've seen my other two replies to you, OP, so just putting this here again. Two of my uni classmates got jobs with GCHQ - we did a language degree.

No way did they pay for their own vetting.

This scenario really reminds me of this -

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/White_House_Farm_murders

Now that she's said no, there's no way he's going to give up.

Can you get her to talk with Age Concern or Silverline?

Suggest she may find it helpful to talk with someone impartial to unravel her relationship with her DS from a "i'm buying my son's love, how do I get a healthier relationship with him?" perspective.

They will doubtless confirm to her that she's being abused and may be able to suggest some ways to strengthen her resolve against him. And persuade her to get legal advice or support from her bank.

I can't imagine she's going to get any money back from him. But the longer this goes on, the more vulnerable she is. Particularly now he's alerted that she's not always going to be a pushover.

But as has been said on this thread, go gently on her. She's confided in you but it would be very easy for her to get defensive and back to her 'mind your own business' stance.

In her mind, it's lose all of her money or lose her son. An impossible choice for her to make under pressure.

Take care OP and do everything you can to physically protect yourself and your mother.

Your brother sounds like a compulsively-lying, delusional, narcissistic psychopath/ fantasist who is close to the edge, and desperate ppl with no empathy or capacity for love are capable of grim things to obtain what they want.

Log all the information you have with the police!

—edited for typos

If he’s going to be an employee and not a contractor (I can only speak from employee experience for UKDV- developed vetting) the employer sponsors the potential employee and pays for their clearance.

Just a thought- if you haven’t written a will and don’t have a partner/ children, would be worth making a will to ensure your brother can never inherit from you should the worst happen and you pre decease him.

I think you should go to the police. It is highly unlikely that your mother is his only victim. Maybe he has come to the attention of the police or courts in other way that you do not know? Then they will believe you!

OP can she stay with you for a few days?

Maybe her phone is on the blink. 🤔 Or it could accidently get dropped into a cup of tea or something. 🤔

❗But first, take photos or screenshots of all his texts please before she deleted them. Because she might out of embarrassment or a misguided need to protect him. Get some proof of his coercion and manipulation before they get deleted.

She needs a bit of headspace from him constantly needling at her. And a sensible voice talking her through what's actually happening.

I'd contact age concern and police in your shoes personally.

Does he have a key to her house??

No one pays for security vetting! If they did, how would they get squaddies fresh out of school to join the army? It is the same process, just places like the security services are higher up.

Exactly

I haven’t read the entire replies in the thread so not sure if answered but as far as I am aware you don’t pay for SC vetting clearance, it is granted by the government and usually employer pays for it, I’ve had it twice before for different roles and never paid for it but I was employed by public sector

So long as the mum has no diagnosis she won't be found guilty of deprivation of assets, you have to reasonably need to foresee the need for care, if she is healthy there is no reason to foresee this.

In reality local authorities can't usually use deprivation unless the asset was disposed of 6 months before needing care, unless that need could reasonably have been foreseen.

I think you need tell her that you have seen the messages. What would you do if this was your daughter and her husband for example? Personally I’d be telling her I know and then I’d be confronting the husband .

I do, it’s our own process, tbh I don’t work in the contact centre but unrelated to this I was reading the policy yesterday and you need consent to put the flag on and if you don’t have it, there’s a process that’s got something to do with legal in it. It’s in case they do a SAR request I think

I do, it’s our own process, tbh I don’t work in the contact centre but unrelated to this I was reading the policy yesterday and you need consent to put the flag on and if you don’t have it, there’s a process that’s got something to do with legal in it. It’s in case they do a SAR request I think

Age Concern might be better. From my only experience of Sliverline, you get an ordinary person chatting with you for 15 minutes and that's it.

It might help to tell her that he's going to get into real trouble with the taxman if she gives him any more money, which is true. Worry about him might stop her even if worry about herself doesn't.

I did this with my Dad last week. We went into his banks and I spoke to the Cashier and explained he was having some cognitive issues and wanted to put a 'Vulnerable Customer' marker on his accounts. My Dad was with me and the Cashiers each checked with him that this was what he wanted before going ahead.

That sounds like a positive step, @Unicornfairysoap .

I hope he doesn't just come back with some other ridiculous story to try and get her to hand over cash.

Is there any risk that he might get nasty or threatening with her? If so, it might be as well to have a plan in place, just in case.

I think that in many of those cases the victim doesn't have capacity. Op's mother does. She is choosing to give him this money so I don't think there's much that OP can do. A Very sad situation.

Your advice about going to Age Concern is very good. At the very least Op can ask for advice.

Op, did you take a photo of the information on DM's phone?

I would call the police. It could be classified as financial abuse. Coercive control. Potentially blackmail. I couldn’t live with myself unless I did something. To me, it seems she is crying out for help. He can’t blame her if she knows nothing about it. I wouldn’t hesitate to call them if he threatens you or your DM. He really needs to be stopped, and you need outside help op.

That's a good point. He's only allowed to get 3k a yr tax free from his mother. Anything above that could be taxed if his mother passes before 7 years are up.

It's a shame you didn't block his number when you had access to her phone as well as deleting his number. It might have given her a bit of peace for a while!