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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to fix my broken family?

78 replies

Lemonsugarpuff · 01/05/2024 17:06

VERY long post - name change, some details may be changed to try to protect identity.

A couple of weeks ago my SD12 (has lived with us full time since she was a toddler with CAO in place) went to the police and said my DH is abusing her (hitting, using weapons to threaten her etc). She’s been with her mum since this has happened.

It’s no secret she wants to live with her mum full time and both her and her mum over the years has resorted to pretty nasty measures (false allegations to police previously, his job - which he lost, friends etc). We’ve been together 10 years so I’ve lived through all of this with him.

SD and my DS12 are very close, and we’ve had concerns about how possessive she has been over him in the past. SD said DH had also done this to DS (whilst I sit and laugh at their fear 🙄). Police questioned DS who said 1 incident happened maybe 7 years ago. He retracted his statement the next day and told me that he feels he has been controlled my SD for a long time and she had (somehow) convinced him “this incident had happened and that the police need to know about it.”

DH was arrested and released on bail pending investigation, social services have been involved and I’ve been told by them it looks like the case is going to be dropped imminently due to no evidence, DS retracting his statement and SD/ her mums previous malicious allegations and motives which have always been dropped. (Because obviously, he’s not guilty anyway!). Bail conditions have been DH is not allowed home so has been staying with family, and not allowed contact with DCs.

So legal side should all be ok, however DH is, understandably, feeling gutted, hurt, betrayed by SD and DS. He’s made the decision to not have SD anymore (that needs to be a conversation with SS as he has full parental responsibility). I also think this would be the best for all of us (we have other DCs too). But is also saying he can never live with/ have a relationship with my DS anymore as he was a part of this which has had serious consequences for DH. He says he can’t come back and live in the house with him as he can’t live his life in fear of everything being turned upside down again.
DH and I are a very strong couple and love each other/ don’t want to be apart, but he just cannot see a way of us continuing with my DS still around…

Im desperate for advice to how I can fix their broken relationship, or do we accept that this will never work and just go our separate ways now?

Thank you 🙏🏻

OP posts:

Original poster

Lemonsugarpuff · 01/05/2024 17:08

YANBU - this can be fixed
YABU - go your separate ways

OP posts:

TerrorAustralis · 01/05/2024 17:11

I have no experience of what you’re going through, but I think you need family therapy.

SleepingStandingUp · 01/05/2024 17:11

Gosh what a mess.

If SD wants to live with Mom and Mom wants SD to love with her, why has it come to this before she's allowed to?

Does DH know what DS said about feeling controlled and being made to believe this was real?

I think him getting his own place to live for now and family therapy is the only hope. You don't have to live together to be in a relationship. Does DS see his Dad? Would DH spend time together as a family is DS was around out of the house?

Is he planning on going NC with his DD, which is how it reads? Has DD admitted it's a lie?

Enko · 01/05/2024 17:12

Counselling for sure.

TisButThyName · 01/05/2024 17:12

Well how can it be fixed? Your DS comes first so if your DH is telling you to choose between him and your DS, then you ditch your DH.

To be honest your DH is being a bit of a prick. His own DD has clearly manipulated your DS into believing that something happened when it clearly didn't, so your DS said what he was told to, then retracted it when he realised that it didn't actually happen and he was made to think it happened.

So either your DH thinks his DD is manipulative and therefore should side with your DS, or he is just being a prick.

DelphiniumBlue · 01/05/2024 17:14

I'm so sorry you are in this horrible position.
Obviously DS has to be your number one priority, so if DH is saying he won't live with him, then your relationship is over really, until or unless he changes his mind.
I guess family therapy might help, as suggested above, but it will take a while.

Original poster

Lemonsugarpuff · 01/05/2024 17:15

SD lives with us as mum has had a history of drug abuse, mental health illnesses and associated with criminals and criminal activity. She has let SD down a lot over the years.
We are both working professionals, who try to provide a nice life, but reality is SD just still wants to be with her mum.

Yes DH is talking NC with SD, but feels if he does with his own child then he has to with my DS too.

OP posts:

TheGrimSqueakersFlea · 01/05/2024 17:15

Both children told dangerous lies that had serious consequences. I wouldn't want to be around them either. Get your son some therapy and let your husband have some space and peace to process everything

Original poster

Lemonsugarpuff · 01/05/2024 17:18

For more context - we rent our house, and wouldn’t be able to afford 2x houses. Would be a case of having to move out of the family home for all of us if DH doesn’t come home

OP posts:

RedHelenB · 01/05/2024 17:21

TheGrimSqueakersFlea · 01/05/2024 17:15

This. How would it look to SD if he lived with your ds despite telling lies but went nc with his own biological dd?

ZeroFucksGivenToday · 01/05/2024 17:21

I'm with everyone else.

If he is saying he has to go NC then you have to pick your son. And I do understand your DHs logic. He's been put through something horrific and the children lied, which could have had serious consequences for him. And to be fair already have. So if he's cutting his own DD off then he absolutely would do the same to your DS. Why wouldn't he.

Equally, your DS screwed up big time, and I'd be having massive talk/telling off about that too and get him some therapy. What he did was awful. And there are now significant consequences for him doing that.

How many children do you have together? If I was DH I'd be arranging to just have your own joint children on a 50/50 basis.

Roundandroundthegard3n · 01/05/2024 17:21

Well it sounds like he's already decided because surely, surely you're going to put your son first .. Aren't you?

NowYouSee · 01/05/2024 17:23

Do you have any joint children? That’s a pretty important point

HaventGotAScoob · 01/05/2024 17:26

I think you're all being a bit unfair. The boy is only 12 years old, has likely grown up with this potentially toxic step sister and she has got in his head, he made a mistake and came to his senses and now hopefully she'll be out the picture and the rest of you can rebuild the family without her around. He doesn't need to treat them the same - they haven't really acted the same. I think this is a knee jerk reaction on your DH part and it will settle once the daughter is back with her mum but I agree with the idea of counselling.

Original poster

Lemonsugarpuff · 01/05/2024 17:27

No joint DCs.

I only see 1 option - this has to be fixed somehow and I know it will take a lot of hard work but I genuinely want to believe we can make this work out.

DH says that will never happen.

Will look in to family therapy as I’ll try anything!

OP posts:

mindutopia · 01/05/2024 17:32

It sounds like your SD has had a quite traumatic childhood. It doesn't matter if you and your dh 'provided for' her. She has a parent with, by the sounds of it, serious substance abuse and mental health issues. And your DS has also had to grow up amidst all of this chaos and drama. It doesn't sound like either of them have had an easy time and perhaps haven't been as protected as they should have been. Yes, presumably, they are now (pre)teens, but they weren't always. Children don't just say things like this from nowhere. By that, I don't mean that the abuse definitely happened, but children in healthy families don't tend to make false allegations to police and SS. So I think firstly you need to have some compassion for both of them, yes, including your SD.

That said, as an adult child of an estranged parent, truly nothing would keep me from working to heal a relationship with my children. If your dh doesn't want to have a relationship with his children, and presumably he means he'd just up and leave all the children as he wouldn't live with you anymore, I'd be telling him not to let the door catch him in the ass on the way out.

That being said, I do know someone who is NC with his two dc because apparently one made up a lie he sexually abused her and the other dc believed her sister and both daughters have been cut off. He has in the years since admitted that he did in fact sexually abuse his dd. So I'm always a bit 🙄when people are very quick to cast stones at their children.

ZeroFucksGivenToday · 01/05/2024 17:32

If DH says it will never happen then how do you propose to move forward. He will ignore your DS, you'll try and smooth it over and your DS will feel massively rejected.

There are 2 options. You split up and pick DS.
DS lives with his dad and DH moves back in, and won't acknowledge your DS again.

you can't make him fix it if he doesn't want to. So you have to pick based on what he's telling you right now.

Jokl · 01/05/2024 17:32

I find it a bit bizarre that your husband has immediately jumped to going no contact with his twelve year old daughter who sounds very much as though she has had a very tough time in life so far.
Your husband has been violent in the past, presumably, from the fact your son could recall an incident (I suspect he’s downplaying it due to the push pull going on all around him, but I have little evidence for that!). Seems bold to dismiss her completely out of hand with that history.
At the end of the day, it should be up to her. She should be able to say she doesn’t want to see her dad without having to resort to extreme measures to try and get out of seeing him.

WitchyWay · 01/05/2024 17:33

My thoughts are:

how sure are you that your son is now telling the truth? Could he be backtracking to minimise the impact on you?
if it truly is all lies, then I feel for all involved. Your SD must be pretty disturbed to do that. What help has she had over the years to process her dysfunctional mother and understand why she needs to live with her dad?

If it's all true, I agree with your husband, the kids need to not be in his company and he needs to feel safe from further accusations. What has happened is awful and I think everyone would be better off in the long run if you end the relationship. I know it's sad but I don't think you can get over this, and I also think your son needs a reset.

Original poster

Lemonsugarpuff · 01/05/2024 17:42

Of course if there was any truth to any of this then I wouldn’t be fighting to put my family back together.
My SD said that I sat and laughed whilst all this happened, that would catergorically never happen. I work with vulnerable children/ childhood trauma and alongside social services, I’d never allow my own DCs to be in that position.

SD is angry as has always wanted mum to fight for her (change the CAO) but mum has not had a good experience with court as last time she tried to failed drug tests 3x so was only allowed contact in a centre

OP posts:

Original poster

Lemonsugarpuff · 01/05/2024 17:44

SW has acknowledged that SD is in “mental turmoil” and needs a lot of support for her state of mind.
She has also said that she feels my DS needs support around maintaining positive relationships and for the trauma he has been through

OP posts:

Original poster

Lemonsugarpuff · 01/05/2024 17:48

I think due to the nature of my job, I thought I could help my SD better than anyone, but she’s never accepted it and just wanted her mum 😞

OP posts:

Roundandroundthegard3n · 01/05/2024 17:49

Lemonsugarpuff · 01/05/2024 17:27

No joint DCs.

I only see 1 option - this has to be fixed somehow and I know it will take a lot of hard work but I genuinely want to believe we can make this work out.

DH says that will never happen.

Will look in to family therapy as I’ll try anything!

Then he's already decided! He's putting himself first. No, you can't fix it, he doesn't want to. He wants to run away. Your relationship is over.

It sounds like dsd has had a hell of a time. Has anyone thought about counselling for her? Everyone's piling the blame onto a 12 year old child who has been through a lot of shit get entire life, even though your son has also lied one way or the other, it's still all her fault. now her own father is going to disown her, presumably leaving her with her unfit mother. Sounds like he's not taking responsibility there either. If he stays, do you imagine you and he and your son are going to just ride off into the sunset and leave dsd in an incredibly damaging situation?

Dareisayiseethesunshine · 01/05/2024 17:50

Imo one day he will want sd back in his life. Your ds and you don't need that drama. He finds it easier to blame your ds than his dd. That won't change will it?

takemeawayagain · 01/05/2024 17:55

Lemonsugarpuff · 01/05/2024 17:27

No joint DCs.

I only see 1 option - this has to be fixed somehow and I know it will take a lot of hard work but I genuinely want to believe we can make this work out.

DH says that will never happen.

Will look in to family therapy as I’ll try anything!

If you have your DH back when he obviously feels such animosity for your son -who is still a child - then it is going to be awful for your DS.

You have to stop thinking your DH 'has' to come back. You haven't even mentioned if your DS is happy with having him back. To me that makes it clear who you are prioritising.

You need to end this shitshow and concentrate on your DS, god knows how he is doing in all this, as again that doesn't seem to be your priority.

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