To want to fix my broken family?

[Lemonsugarpuff]

VERY long post - name change, some details may be changed to try to protect identity.

A couple of weeks ago my SD12 (has lived with us full time since she was a toddler with CAO in place) went to the police and said my DH is abusing her (hitting, using weapons to threaten her etc). She’s been with her mum since this has happened.

It’s no secret she wants to live with her mum full time and both her and her mum over the years has resorted to pretty nasty measures (false allegations to police previously, his job - which he lost, friends etc). We’ve been together 10 years so I’ve lived through all of this with him.

SD and my DS12 are very close, and we’ve had concerns about how possessive she has been over him in the past. SD said DH had also done this to DS (whilst I sit and laugh at their fear 🙄). Police questioned DS who said 1 incident happened maybe 7 years ago. He retracted his statement the next day and told me that he feels he has been controlled my SD for a long time and she had (somehow) convinced him “this incident had happened and that the police need to know about it.”

DH was arrested and released on bail pending investigation, social services have been involved and I’ve been told by them it looks like the case is going to be dropped imminently due to no evidence, DS retracting his statement and SD/ her mums previous malicious allegations and motives which have always been dropped. (Because obviously, he’s not guilty anyway!). Bail conditions have been DH is not allowed home so has been staying with family, and not allowed contact with DCs.

So legal side should all be ok, however DH is, understandably, feeling gutted, hurt, betrayed by SD and DS. He’s made the decision to not have SD anymore (that needs to be a conversation with SS as he has full parental responsibility). I also think this would be the best for all of us (we have other DCs too). But is also saying he can never live with/ have a relationship with my DS anymore as he was a part of this which has had serious consequences for DH. He says he can’t come back and live in the house with him as he can’t live his life in fear of everything being turned upside down again.
DH and I are a very strong couple and love each other/ don’t want to be apart, but he just cannot see a way of us continuing with my DS still around…

Im desperate for advice to how I can fix their broken relationship, or do we accept that this will never work and just go our separate ways now?

Thank you 🙏🏻

And then the son will have to live with the guilt for the rest of his life that he played a big part in the break up of the marriage . What will that do to his mental health?

OP, your husband must be terrified that it will happen again. He probably needs the time and space to get his head together. Hopefully with the passage of time and some therapy a way through can be found.

Your H has effectively ended your marriage because how can you stay in a relationship with him if he goes NC with your son. I think you need to focus on your biological child, he’s lived with a quite toxic step sibling for some time because your focus was on ‘fixing’ your step daughter.

I do not understand why he thinks NC with his daughter means going NC with your son, that’s one twisted way of being being fair. Given that this isn’t the first time his daughter has done this, I’m surprised he’s treating both children the same. It sounds like he can’t face contact with your son because your son will be a constant reminder that his daughter was the more culpable and he isn’t ready to admit that.

Stop trying to fix things. Your H has been through some shit but your focus really needs to be with your child, who has been dragged into the toxic power struggle between your H and his daughter. You can not prioritise both your H and your son.

I think it will only work if your DH is prepared to forgive your DS and maybe therapy will help with this. It’s a huge and horrible thing he has done though (your DS) and maybe a period of living apart will get him to reflect on that. Your DS wants his stepdad back though and the instigator is your DSD.
I can completely understand why he wants to go NC with his DD, that’s absolutely vile and horrendously manipulative. She’s his daughter but how do you ever recover from that and what is to stop her doing it again? She seems to have no remorse or guilt. I dread to think how she will turn out later in life. She sounds like a sociopath in the making.
What possessed your professional responsible DH to get involved with and have children (more than one) with a person like the DM?