To want to fix my broken family?

[Lemonsugarpuff]

VERY long post - name change, some details may be changed to try to protect identity.

A couple of weeks ago my SD12 (has lived with us full time since she was a toddler with CAO in place) went to the police and said my DH is abusing her (hitting, using weapons to threaten her etc). She’s been with her mum since this has happened.

It’s no secret she wants to live with her mum full time and both her and her mum over the years has resorted to pretty nasty measures (false allegations to police previously, his job - which he lost, friends etc). We’ve been together 10 years so I’ve lived through all of this with him.

SD and my DS12 are very close, and we’ve had concerns about how possessive she has been over him in the past. SD said DH had also done this to DS (whilst I sit and laugh at their fear 🙄). Police questioned DS who said 1 incident happened maybe 7 years ago. He retracted his statement the next day and told me that he feels he has been controlled my SD for a long time and she had (somehow) convinced him “this incident had happened and that the police need to know about it.”

DH was arrested and released on bail pending investigation, social services have been involved and I’ve been told by them it looks like the case is going to be dropped imminently due to no evidence, DS retracting his statement and SD/ her mums previous malicious allegations and motives which have always been dropped. (Because obviously, he’s not guilty anyway!). Bail conditions have been DH is not allowed home so has been staying with family, and not allowed contact with DCs.

So legal side should all be ok, however DH is, understandably, feeling gutted, hurt, betrayed by SD and DS. He’s made the decision to not have SD anymore (that needs to be a conversation with SS as he has full parental responsibility). I also think this would be the best for all of us (we have other DCs too). But is also saying he can never live with/ have a relationship with my DS anymore as he was a part of this which has had serious consequences for DH. He says he can’t come back and live in the house with him as he can’t live his life in fear of everything being turned upside down again.
DH and I are a very strong couple and love each other/ don’t want to be apart, but he just cannot see a way of us continuing with my DS still around…

Im desperate for advice to how I can fix their broken relationship, or do we accept that this will never work and just go our separate ways now?

Thank you 🙏🏻

I think this too.
Encourage DH not to give up on your DS

I think your DH is right that sd needs to be just let go live with her mum now.. but I think he's very wrong about your son. Of course its understandable he's hurt but this is not actually the children's fault... they are children. It's the exs fault.
Your son is very young and it's no wonder he was manipulated. Your dh shouldn't be blaming him for that. Your DH is the adult and even tho it's hard he should be acting like an adult and not blaming the children for this. His daughter is clearly very traumatised and being manipulated.
If he's actually standing by blaming these kids and holding animosity towards your son you absolutely shouldn't be trying to get him to come back. He's been through alot but a decent man would not turn on a child like this.

This. I would be glad that she's out of your lives. Dh will reconnect with her again. Your ds will be the scapegoat. Leave him to walk away as hard as it is

Best response

I get your husband is hurt but wtaf?

Contact with SD via a contact centre and you split up with DH. From your position, your child has been involved, truthfully or not, in reporting a serious matter to the police. Staying with your DH does nothing to untangle your son from this mess.

Put him first. How is this even a question??

Your son is your first priority.

What part of all this is actually beneficial to your son?

I understand completely where your DH is coming from.
My FIL has gone through a very similar thing to your DH. I won’t go into detail as it’s outing but it’s all horseshit from a narcissistic spoilt cow who made up nasty allegations to try and get her own way. The only difference is she’s a lot older than your SD so it’s easier to cut her off.
He’s absolutely broken now, his health has taken a nose dive and he has completely given up on life. He’s had to endure endless police interviews and his and MILs lives have been turned upside down.

Do not underestimate the impact lies like this can have on a person.

I can’t see any good outcome here. SD is likely to end up back living with DH - if charges are dismissed SS will push very hard for this. your son shouldn’t be exposed to a controlling influence in a step sister. you or your kids may be next in the allegation list given she will have seen the damage she has done and you’d all be constantly on alert.

I know it will feel like throwing a lot away but you’ve done all you can here and you risk the wellbeing of your own kids here. Split up as gracefully as you can manage.

I agree with this. If anything the son sounds like a victim of this girl and he should’ve been protected from her as it appears there were signs she was manipulating him.

tbh I also feel It’s sad if he is going NC with his daughter, she sounds like a product of a broken home /toxic mother etc. I can appreciate not wanting to make himself vulnerable like that again but I’d understand more if he went for supervised contact
so no lies could be told. She’s still a child and she’s his child!

As a starting point could you ask your ds to write your to dp, to explain what happened, how he was influenced etc. Once that’s done your dp might be more receptive to family therapy, which I think will be helpful.

You DC you had together would be the ones to suffer the most in this situation. Splitting would be a big change for them considering your and your DH's relationship is otherwise really good.

Would it help if DS sincerely apologised?

They are children. No one should be talking about NC with either of them.

I can understand him needing some space to process. Feelings can and do change. He is probably incredibly angry right now, but anger is a masking emotion. It usually relates to hurt, and he has every right to be hurt that these two children have manipulated a situation like this.

I completely agree that family therapy is the way forward, but before that, he probably needs it on his own, as so the children. Each individual needs to understand themselves first. I am not convinced it is unfixable, but it will require incredibly hard work and desire to fix from all.

Get your son to write a letter to his stepdad explaining his side of things and that he is sorry.

To be honest, I don't blame your DH for wanting to walk away. How absolutely terrifying to be falsely accused of something so serious. It isn't safe for him to have his daughter close by while she is this troubled and under the influence of her toxic mother, and your son added to this awful experience so now your DH doesn't feel safe around him either. Your DH needs some time and help to process everything.

Lies like that destroy lives, careers, marriages and can even lead to unjustified loss of freedom. And it goes without saying that it is a huge waste of police time and public resources. He is entirely justified in never wanting to be around someone who could have ruined his life. If he does, he is a very strong and forgiving guy.

I think your husband is wrong to blame your son for being manipulated by your stepdaughter. He's a child and by the sounds of it has had to live in a turbulent household through no fault of his own. It was your choice to bring your husband and stepdaughter into his life.

Put your son first now. I think you need to split with your husband and get some family therapy for you and your children. I would imagine they are traumatised by what has gone on. I feel for your stepdaughter too, she is obviously a deeply troubled child 😔

Thanks all, I appreciate every single comment. Trying to figure out this mess, and going round and round in circles with DH and family and friends, sometimes you just need outsiders honest opinions x

Didn't want to read and run, just wanted to say sorry you are going through this. I'll be honest - I don't see how you can get past this. Years and years ago, when I was a child, maybe teen, I knew of someone who falsely accused her father of sexual abuse when she didn't get something she wanted. The consequences were far reaching and the family was never the same, even though child admitted she had lied.

This!

I don't think your husband is necessarily blaming the children per se but he is reeling from the further accusations and the subsequent arrest. Pretty sure he was made to feel like some sort of pervert over the years due to the false accusations. You say he lost his job and his friends over past allegations and now he's just had enough and I don't blame him at all. His daughter obviously has issues regarding custody and wanting to be with her mum but your son was very wrong to get involved and lie and as a result your husband was arrested again. It's not a nothing thing being arrested and charged with these sort of offences. People don't seem to realise this, it's bloody huge and awful.
I hope he can get over this it doesn't sound as if he deserves this continuing stress.

I can see DH’s perspective.
He has fortunately (and rightly) escaped serious consequences this time (not to downplay the emotional trauma). One false claim can be explained away. If a second claim (true or false) is ever made, the damage to his reputation will be irreversible and potentially more difficult legally as there will be a history.

DH would be putting himself at great risk to move back in with a minor child who is not biologically related to him. A child who is moving into difficult teen years and has made a claim about him. A child who has just seen firsthand that the way to get what you want (SD wanted to live with mum and now she does) is to claim abuse. Your son will have all the power and your DH will always have this at the back of his mind.

I think it could be fixable, but I also think you need to be more proactive in how to make it safe for DH. Perhaps adding CCTV inside the house so there’s video evidence? Your son should not be left alone with DH, this may mean you need to find alternative care for him or take him with you (this is to protect DH, not DS). I think DH needs to see that you are taking his safety and concern seriously. You need to be aware that it is DH that has everything to lose and not a lot to gain by moving back in.

It sounds like for your son's sake you need to be out of this mess.

I'd separate and focus on your kids.

I don't think the argument that he should go NC with DS because he's going NC with his daughter holds water, their actions weren't the same. DSD were cauaational, DS was manipulated into it. Having said that though I think this is unfixable, I think the best you can do is stay together but live separately until the kids are grown if you want to preserve the relationship. I couldn't imagine going back into a home with someone who's accused you of that. If you could manage to talk him around DH will be on edge and afraid and probably very obviously avoiding being around DS on his own. The mental cost to your DH would be massive. I don't think it's fair to even ask him to do this. At some stage your DS is going to realise why DH isn't coming back, he's going to need a lot of support and counselling to get through that.

I would take your son (and any other children?) and leave. He's not safe around this girl. She could quite easily make up lies about him sexually assaulting her, and then you'd have a real mess on your hands.

You rent so its relatively easy to separate houses and I think you should do that

Therapy and then take it from there