To want to fix my broken family?

[Lemonsugarpuff]

VERY long post - name change, some details may be changed to try to protect identity.

A couple of weeks ago my SD12 (has lived with us full time since she was a toddler with CAO in place) went to the police and said my DH is abusing her (hitting, using weapons to threaten her etc). She’s been with her mum since this has happened.

It’s no secret she wants to live with her mum full time and both her and her mum over the years has resorted to pretty nasty measures (false allegations to police previously, his job - which he lost, friends etc). We’ve been together 10 years so I’ve lived through all of this with him.

SD and my DS12 are very close, and we’ve had concerns about how possessive she has been over him in the past. SD said DH had also done this to DS (whilst I sit and laugh at their fear 🙄). Police questioned DS who said 1 incident happened maybe 7 years ago. He retracted his statement the next day and told me that he feels he has been controlled my SD for a long time and she had (somehow) convinced him “this incident had happened and that the police need to know about it.”

DH was arrested and released on bail pending investigation, social services have been involved and I’ve been told by them it looks like the case is going to be dropped imminently due to no evidence, DS retracting his statement and SD/ her mums previous malicious allegations and motives which have always been dropped. (Because obviously, he’s not guilty anyway!). Bail conditions have been DH is not allowed home so has been staying with family, and not allowed contact with DCs.

So legal side should all be ok, however DH is, understandably, feeling gutted, hurt, betrayed by SD and DS. He’s made the decision to not have SD anymore (that needs to be a conversation with SS as he has full parental responsibility). I also think this would be the best for all of us (we have other DCs too). But is also saying he can never live with/ have a relationship with my DS anymore as he was a part of this which has had serious consequences for DH. He says he can’t come back and live in the house with him as he can’t live his life in fear of everything being turned upside down again.
DH and I are a very strong couple and love each other/ don’t want to be apart, but he just cannot see a way of us continuing with my DS still around…

Im desperate for advice to how I can fix their broken relationship, or do we accept that this will never work and just go our separate ways now?

Thank you 🙏🏻

So OP, what is your DP suggesting happens to his step-daughter?

If she cannot live with her mum safely, does he expect her to go into care?

DS has said he wants DH back, and hates SD for what she has done, and is upset with himself for his part.

I haven’t told him what DH is saying, as trying to figure this situation out amongst the adults first before involving the DCs

What a mess! You must all be reeling.

My take is that there is no quick fix in this situation, it is going to take time and patience to build trust again.

But built it must be, if at all possible. Your DH is understandably extremely hurt, but SD is his daughter, for whom he has sole parental responsibility, and whose mother is unlikely to be able to parent her. He really cannot disown her in the long run, she would have no-one. She's done a terrible thing, but it sounds like a desperate attempt to go to her mum more than hurt her Dad.

Your DS is a child too, and cannot be held responsible for the breakdown of your family - yes you may want to tell him off for lying, but he has no agency in the decisions that you and your DH make as a resukt if this situation and should not have to carry guilt for them.

I would suggest taking some time to consider what would be in everyone's best interests, starting with each child. You probably can't all live together for a while, but that probably should be the longer term goal.

Otherwise, you will have to prioritise your children, and DH his child, and the family will breakdown.

Definitely seek therapy for yourselves, it could really help. Have a look at attachment disorder and think whether it chimes in with SD. DDP therapy might be worth considering.

This has blown up massively, but don't lose sight of them being children and you both being the adults.

Wishing you strength and fortitude.

I can't agree with posters calling your DP a bit of a prick and that he's running away. The man is probably reeling after being arrested over what appears to be false allegations from his daughter. Its quite understandable that he wants to protect himself from any further allegations. I would give him some space to come to terms with what's happened and hope that he agrees to some family counselling.

Here's your order of priorities:

First: your DS
Second: your other children
Third: your DH
Fourth: you SD

Here's your DH's order of priorities:

First: his DD
Second: any other of his children
Third: you
Fourth: your DS

You have different priorities right now, and the top ones strain in opposite directions. Your SD needs a lot of support and help right now, her life has been ruined (so far) by her mother. She can only get that from your DH. Your son has been a 'victim' of this, and he needs your support.

I think your DH needs to acknowledge that your DS is a victim of his DD, but (a) I can see how much of a hurdle that must be (b) it won't change the outcome.

I don't see the relationship as over. I think you all need a lot of time and healing to overcome this. What a mess.

I think SS need to support SD staying with her mum, with supervision, for the moment. You can’t indefinitely keep a 12 yr old where she doesn’t want to be. Until she chooses to leave, that is.

He shouldn’t go NC though.

DH needs to take a little time to recover.

he should do therapy separately with DD .

then do therapy with you and DS. He can rebuild that relationship separately from the relationship with his DD. She has another home that she wants to be in.

To be honest your DH is being a bit of a prick. His own DD has clearly manipulated your DS into believing that something happened when it clearly didn't, so your DS said what he was told to, then retracted it when he realised that it didn't actually happen and he was made to think it happened.

I don’t think your dh is being a prick at all. He’s lost his job, and his home. Why would he come back? Two children made an allegation against him, how do you get back from that?
Your ds isn’t a baby, he’s 12, surely he knows what’s right and wrong? What’s stops it from happening again? Or is it true- mud sticks.

I’ve been a step parent, and if a step child made an allegation against me, however much I loved their parent not a chance I would be in the vicinity of them again.

Is there a difference in interpretation? Is your DH sometimes raising his voice at the DC / losing his temper, and you are both interpreting that as fine and normal, but SD is upset by this?

I find it a red flag that your DH is dealing with this issue by going NC with his daughter who has clearly been really struggling and plans to do the same with your son to make it “fair”. It’s a very immature way to respond to children he is supposedly parenting.

Gosh, what a mess!

In truth, I'm not sure this can be fixed.

Are SD allegations completely fabricated? Is there any truth at all in them?

If not, she is clearly a disturbed young girl who is going to need huge support.

Your DS is only 12 and has had to grow up with his step sister telling outrageous lies. She may very well have managed to convince him that the incident he reported happened - memory is a strange thing and people can and do remember things inaccurately.

I think your DH is right to want distance at the moment. Whether he can repair any of the relationships is, as yet, debatable.

Sorry, but I think the relationship is over. I can't see it working at all.

I think my advice would be for all adults in this situation to focus on how to parent these two 12 year old children better.

This is a horrendous situation for all of you and I can understand how hurt and freaked out your husband is by what has happened.

But, you have to put your son first and if he can't see a way of repairing that relationship then your family can't stay together.

I believe your husband is absolutely wrong for cutting off all contact with his daughter. Where does that leave her? With a manipulative and abusive mother? In foster care? She's a child.

Yes, what she's done is very very wrong but let's not see this through adult eyes and motivations. The worst thing he could do for her is to abandon her now.
She needs therapy, she needs unconditional love and someone to stick with her no matter how bad it gets.

I couldn't stay in a relationship with someone who would abandon their child.

The fact he wants to go no contact with his daughter is alarming.

I mean it's clearly a shit show but his daughter has had a very traumatic childhood. Of course she's messed up!

Does he get angry? How does that look?

Has he had therapy? Has she?

Honestly I'm raising a child who has experienced trauma and it's very different than raising a NT child. I've had teams of people helping me and medication.

What has been done to help his daughter and your son over the years?

I have no experience of what you’re going through, but I think you need family therapy.

As usual, first one is spot on.

Go to family therapy, asap. Your DH needs to forgive DS, he did retract his statement. But your DS needs to understand how serious this was, hence the family therapy.

I’m sorry but I don’t see what you expected.

Your son along with his daughter clearly
made up some horrible lies. Weather it was led by her or not he said then too.

Step mums on here are told to never be alone with a step child who’s told lies about abuse about them because it’s always a risk.

Your dh has decided he cannot live in a house where a child or two even if one is his is willing to tell such tales he gets arrested. It’s not worth the risk.

Now his daughter he will probably change his mind about eventually but your son honestly their is no loyalty. As evident from your son happy to help throw him to the wolves.

This is good advice. None of you are going to get a quick fix here, so you need to plan accordingly. SD may have psychological issues like her mum and needs a lot of support; her dad should be pushing GP and social services to get urgent camhs support for her, regardless of whether he will see her or not. DH needs some personal counselling to work out where he is putitng red lines. You need to prioritise your own DS and other children; don't minimise his role, but remove blame and tell him some things really just take time so he needs to process and move on himself too. I would think it better to keep all the kids out of things for now, let everyone find their own balance individually and only then consider if it makes sense to come together again as part of your way forward.

I’ve known someone go through a similar scenario, but it went much further with the police before their daughter Retracted it, and had huge work implications.

Rather than ditch their child like your DH is suggesting, they worked harder to rebuild their relationship. So yes I agree with others that your DH is being a prick.

I think you need to prioritise your son and let DH crack on with his own mess. You could really screw your DS up if you stay in this shitshow

In abusive families the abuser and flying monkeys will NEVER admit/see the abuse.

So you insisting it didn't happen doesn't mean it didn't.

But whatever the truth is, you need family therapy.

I don’t understand why you aren’t prioritising your child/ren.

the likely hood is at some point your dh will reconcile with his dd, what happens if next time she makes an allegation against you? Or your ds? Why would you risk it?

You really can't fix this alone - DH has to be willing. He is more or less telling you your relationship is over.

Your DS owes him a massive apology - that would be a start.

Lots of posts about poor DSD being a troubled child - in my opinion she has behaved despicably and is old enough to know right from wrong.

I think time and space and some time to digest is necessary here. When did this happen?

I know I perhaps sound like I'm being prematurely positive, but I do think there is a chance this might be ok (with therapy and work!)

What's happened here after a long period of your SD pushing against him along with her mother, is enough to make anyone feel like enough is enough. Even if that means your DH feels that way towards his own child as we are all human. This is the straw that broke the camels back and he is allowed to call time on what has been really damaging behaviour. Social services will do their job and assess whether it's suitable for SD to return to her mum's but reassure your husband that the feelings of wanting her Mum in spite of her past behaviours is normal and she is probably desperate for that bond that she doesn't have. The way she has gone about it is so wrong and hopefully with a lot of support from services, she will see that. She has just done what she sees possible to stay with her Mum, without assessing or understanding the implications of her actions.

You DS was led by your SD and I suspect that your DH will in time recognise this although the guilt of cutting contact with a child will leave him feeling that this is his only option. In another light, maybe he feels like by grouping them together he is avoiding the hurt caused solely by his DD as it paints your DS as equally culpable. Your DS needs to understand what has happened with your DH as a result and how much hurt has been caused and when everyone has had some space, go and speak to someone about it.

Sometimes things do have a way of working out, when everyone has had time to digest. What seems like the end of the world one week, can seem manageable the following week.

Wishing you all the best and sorry for the hurt you are all facing.

I’d take advantage of the fact you rent and move out of the family home; it’s actually a blessing at a time like this when you need to make big changes.

Find a small property for you and DS, and when the dust has settled you can think about family therapy if that’s something you still want pursue. But for now the focus has to be on protecting your DS from the drama and also allowing your DH to process this traumatic event.

Will they even let SD live with her mum?

Tbh i would not expect or plan anything yet, give DH some space and time to recover from this shock. When he is calmer, stronger he may be more receptive to the remorse from DS, at the moment he is in the midst of pain and anger, its never wise to make any decisions when your in that state.

I think right now you need to focus on your own children rather than your relationship with your DH or step daughter. This has only just happened, your husbands emotions are probably all over the place so give him time to calm down, the more you push the further he’ll pull back, he needs time. In the meantime focus on your son.

I think if your dh is not willing to try to mend things with your ds, then you need to put your ds first. I’d get out of the family home. Get a smaller home for you and your ds (not sure if you have other children but obviously if you do, them as well).

I think you don’t have joint dc. If you did, my advice would not be as above.

your ds doesn’t deserve to live with your dh hating him for something he was manipulated into saying. Poor 12yo under a police interrogation having been manipulated.

i also think there’s a bit of a red flag with dsd’s mum. Your dh was once in a presumably equal relationship with her. How did she get into such a lot of problems? Presumably he didn’t get with her when she was in this state? What happened to her? It smacks a bit of “mental ex”.