Worried about nieces relationship

[PinkBirdies]

Hi all,

I will start with context, my brother is a GP, he has one daughter, her mother passed away when she was a child and my brother has raised her entirely alone. We live in the north so while she’s always had a lovely home and was privately educated as a family we aren’t very well off.
My niece is smart, she’s in her 3rd year of uni studying English at UCL. She took a gap year so will turn 22 in August. After uni she plans to do a masters which is fair enough.

About a year and a half ago she started seeing an older guy, he’s 34, he is clearly very well off (both as an individual and in a generational sense), he’s the type of person who has a whole team of people that make his life work - drivers, PA you name it. He has already started spoiling my niece, she quit her part-time job and now seems to float between the tennis club, uni and shopping, she’s detached from all her friends and seems to favour his circle.

We all hoped this was just a phase but it’s become apparent he intends to propose in the summer and past her masters niece has no plans.

My fear is that she may be on track to being an eternal student until she has children then from there spend more time at Pilates and tennis than with said children who will no doubt have a team of nanny’s. Once she dares to lose the good looks age gives someone she will be disposed off so he can trot off and find his next young victim to repeat the cycle with.

My brother thinks we shouldn’t worry, she seems happy and he’s not a bad guy, but my niece used to be so ambitious - not anymore!

AIBU to worry? What can we do?

My brother thinks we shouldn’t worry, she seems happy and he’s not a bad guy, but my niece used to be so ambitious - not anymore!

Listen to her dad. He's not worried.

I would be concerned about the age gap, but there doesn't seem to actually be anything wrong with the guy. You're holding it against him that he's successful and wealthy.

You can have your opinions on the situation but it's none of your business and there is nothing you can do or should even try and do.
She is an adult and make her own decisions.

Hell of a lot of assumptions in your post.

What do you actually dislike about the guy?

My fear is that she may be on track to being an eternal student until she has children then from there spend more time at Pilates and tennis than with said children who will no doubt have a team of nanny’s. Once she dares to lose the good looks age gives someone she will be disposed off so he can trot off and find his next young victim to repeat the cycle with.

You don't like him and you don't seem to have much opinion of your niece either! Stay out if it.

I think the whole situation is filled with red flags - what does a successful 34 year old want with a uni student.

Even if it's a phase, it's not a bad place to be!

Life is not a straight line, more a meander.

TBH I'd consider deleting this OP, it's got the potential to be incredibly identifying...

How does one ever learn if one isn’t allowed to make mistakes. So far he doesn’t seem abusive or anything. His spoiling her with his riches yes there’s a large age gap but she’s not blind and if going to do a masters hopefully not stupid.

So what if she spends her days playing tennis and Pilates if she’s happy and his happy they are happy.

Now if you said he was using his money to cut her off rather than her enjoying this wealth she’s seemingly going to marry into then I’d be with you.

There are much worse things to be than a kept house wife if that’s what she wants.

What's so great being ambitious and flogging yourself to death working. He seems nice, wants to make her life comfortable, she's enjoying being pampered a bit. What's not to like? I would advise her that if they are intending to start a family together (although that seems a bit premature) that they get married so if they do break up later she will be protected financially.

I am an academic OP so I never wanted the life you describe, but even I think you are making far too many assumptions

First, there is every chance that the MA will open your DN’s eyes to the world. She is still very young. Even if she gets engaged, anything could happen.

More importantly, if the fellow is treating her well - and you haven’t shown any reason for worry in that area - then you must let DN as an adult live her own life.

On what grounds do you conclude that if they marry this guy will only stay with DN for a short while or will otherwise treat her badly?

Could you be biased against him because he is rich (which is no better than any other form if bias, really) or do you have evidence of bad behaviour?

This all seems terrible dramatic.
You haven’t said anything about him being that makes me think he’s unsuitable. What makes you think he’s a shallow kind that will trade her in once she’s no longer young? Seems you have a rather superficial sense of relationships. Men who marry women of similar ages do the same / or not, so you don’t know that’s a likely outcome.

She’s a 22 year old woman who you describe as intelligent and ambitious. That makes her an attractive prospect to many, and she could’ve attracted a lot worse than a well to do 34 year old man. Could this be why her dad is not worried?

In any case, whatever happens, I’m sure she’ll find her way. Maybe she’s stopped planning as she’s currently giddy in love, like many before her. If anything, should the relationship progress, encourage her to ensure she has protection before having children.

Is DN beautiful? Is she nice? Funny? Athletic? Creative? She is clearly intelligent. These are just a few things he could see in her.

DH and I have been together happily for a long time with nearly as large an age gap. Sadly he wasn’t rich when we met but his family was pretty well established

I will start with context, my brother is a GP, he has one daughter, her mother passed away when she was a child and my brother has raised her entirely alone. We live in the north so while she’s always had a lovely home and was privately educated as a family we aren’t very well off.
My niece is smart, she’s in her 3rd year of uni studying English at UCL. She took a gap year so will turn 22 in August. After uni she plans to do a masters which is fair enough.

If I was at UCL, I could very likely identify your niece from that post, and she could identify you if she sees this. Ask MN to edit? Remove a bit of detail?

There's nothing you can do but recommend that your niece work part time to keep her options open should something go wrong. But other than that it's her life and her choice to make.

It’s absurd to me that no one sees the power dynamic issues in this relationship!
Shes 22!!

Exactly she’s 22… not 12.

If it’s a mistake she needs to learn it herself.

You telling her his bad for her or whatever especially when all your issue seems to be the age and money gap you’ll just push her into his arms and be the bat shit aunty.

Yes she's an adult

You haven’t said how he is bad for her, OP. My two BFs my own age pulled all kinds of shit. DH and my summer fling of about his age are/ were much more appreciative. It works both ways.

Your right she is attractive, athletics and intelligent so I guess that begs the question less of why is he interested in him and more why is she interested in him - she could have anyone including someone her age!

Definitely agree that you have shared too much publically here op.

I understand your concern though op. And I see the unbalanced power dynamic. I think all you can do is be honest once (very kindly and gently) and then leave it alone. Make it clear that despite your reservations about this relationship you will always be there to love and support her in the absence of her mother. And then it’s up to her I’m afraid.

Are you saying the financial imbalance causes a power differential? It could but it need not. Here your DN may benefit by guidance from her family.

I do believe that if a woman stays home by mutual agreement the couple should manage their finances jointly and, up to structuring for tax efficiencies, both should have full access. (Or they should each have a reasonable personal allowance but the arrangement should be symmetric)

At least tell us what the guy does wrong or give him a chance

You have provided very outing information on this post , as a PP has said you should ask for it to be removed or edit it.

oh the poor lamb! its non of your business and dad is not concerned so why should you be?

this may come as a surprise, but sometimes, younger women fall for older men, and the relationship works.

you sound very jealous

This comes a ross as because she is not doing what you think she should do makes her choices wrong

So I way you think he is trying to control her but so are you