Worried about nieces relationship

[PinkBirdies]

Hi all,

I will start with context, my brother is a GP, he has one daughter, her mother passed away when she was a child and my brother has raised her entirely alone. We live in the north so while she’s always had a lovely home and was privately educated as a family we aren’t very well off.
My niece is smart, she’s in her 3rd year of uni studying English at UCL. She took a gap year so will turn 22 in August. After uni she plans to do a masters which is fair enough.

About a year and a half ago she started seeing an older guy, he’s 34, he is clearly very well off (both as an individual and in a generational sense), he’s the type of person who has a whole team of people that make his life work - drivers, PA you name it. He has already started spoiling my niece, she quit her part-time job and now seems to float between the tennis club, uni and shopping, she’s detached from all her friends and seems to favour his circle.

We all hoped this was just a phase but it’s become apparent he intends to propose in the summer and past her masters niece has no plans.

My fear is that she may be on track to being an eternal student until she has children then from there spend more time at Pilates and tennis than with said children who will no doubt have a team of nanny’s. Once she dares to lose the good looks age gives someone she will be disposed off so he can trot off and find his next young victim to repeat the cycle with.

My brother thinks we shouldn’t worry, she seems happy and he’s not a bad guy, but my niece used to be so ambitious - not anymore!

AIBU to worry? What can we do?

I think she's old enough to make her own decisions and her dad seems to be ok with it so you should try not to worry. Yes it might not work out but that's true of any relationship at her age. She might not take the academic path you think she should but again, that's her choice. You're obviously a loving Auntie, all you can do is try your best to be supportive of her and if it all goes pair-shaped, be there to pick up the pieces. That's what we do as family!

That's a very identifying opening post there OP, you'd be best off getting it deleted.

But to answer your question, you can't do anything. She's an adult woman who has made a choice. You telling her "You should stop going out with this man because you need to work for a living" probably isn't going to have the effect you desire.

I think you are getting a bit of a tough run on this thread OP. Let's leave aside the age gap, what you think of this guy, etc. The fundamental question is - would you advise a young women to give up on her career without having any established skills or work experience no matter how good the relationship is? No, you wouldn't.

If you think there is a risk that your niece won't work, etc, after she gets her masters, I'd point out to her is that she needs her own skills and CV in case her partner dies, becomes ill or disabled, loses his job, for her own self-esteem and autonomy, etc.

Another plea to edit or delete - unless you have altered details, you've given her age, university, course, year of study - lots of people (including her) could figure out exactly who she is from this information.

she’s detached from all her friends and seems to favour his circle.
This is the only bit of your OP which is a bit of a red flag. Why has this happened?

Other than that, I've known people of early twenties and mid-thirties that have been together and it's not a manipulative relationship.

Because he likes her?

My fear is that she may be on track to being an eternal student until she has children then from there spend more time at Pilates and tennis than with said children who will no doubt have a team of nanny’s. Once she dares to lose the good looks age gives someone she will be disposed off so he can trot off and find his next young victim to repeat the cycle with.

Your right she is attractive, athletics and intelligent so I guess that begs the question less of why is he interested in him and more why is she interested in him - she could have anyone including someone her age!

It’s no surprise that there’s no mention of how close you are to niece in your posts, it doesn’t sound like you are a mum like figure for her.

It all reads as if you are watching all this from a distance.

I've seen this scenario play out in my extended family.
I was the only one concerned. Everyone else thought he was a wonderful man and I was judgemental/bitter/should think more of the young woman/etc.

Several years down the line, she barely has contact with her family. Has no friends or her own. None. She's completely socially isolated. She seems to have no say in their finances. And she no work experience at all. She is trapped - it happened slowly.

Now others are worried. They can see what has happened and that she's in an abusive relationship, with a man who wanted the power imbalance of a younger woman. He charms people well, using his money and lifestyle to do so, but the charm lasts only until he's got what he wants. Now he's got what he wants he doesn't bother so much with the charm of those he wants out of his wife's life. He causes issues, then blames the other person/people coercing his wife into choosing. Her parents loved him at the start, but their once close relationship with their daughter is now pretty much non-existent.

All utterly predictable at the start, in my view. But around me I hear others exclaiming how nice he seemed, how kind and generous, and how he'd welcomed his wife into his world....blah, blah, blah. That supposed generosity and his willingness for a much younger woman, with a fraction of his life experience, to change her goals and her life to fit into his were the red flags to me from day one.

I hope you're wrong OP. But I don't think you're wrong to be concerned.

I would be worried too,but you cannot do or say anything
Just be there if she needs you

Fucking hell OP - you may as well publish her full name you've made her so identifiable. YOURE the red flag.

The income and lifestyle of your niece's boyfriend is not what would concern me to be honest. More that he could be the kind of man who leaves his wife when she is in her thirties or perhaps early forties for a younger woman.

Agree.

To be honest the future scenario you’ve painted for her sounds glorious!

OP that's a LOT of very identifying information in your opening post. Wouldn't be hard for anyone who knows her/your brother to work out it's them, if all the details are true.

I'd amend if this is all accurate info.

Why are you so obsessed?

It's really none of your business.

Maybe take up a hobby.

@silverscythe
That's exactly what I was going to say!
It was the first thought I had when I started reading OP's opening post.

Me too. It sounds great to me. And 12 years is hardly an age gap between adults. She's a grown woman!

I completely understand why you eoukd be worried.

There is a bit of a power balance but more worryingly she is not learning how to be independent and relying too much on someone else.

However, not every wealthy man is a bad man who will take advantage of women.

You are making a lot of assumptions and it is her life and she can choose how she lives it.

Her dad is wealthy and so if it were to all go wrong, it’s not like she doesn’t have anything to fall back on.

I hear you ,however I thought you were going to say hes about 50 or something! 12 years is a fairly big gap, but not unheard of .If she seems happy then I wouldnt worry .She may become a trophy wife, she may continue her career . She isnt your DD even if she was you wouldnt be able to infuence her Im afraid !

Am I missing something re being identified? Everyone seems to be saying OP must delete it if it’s identifying? I assumed being anonymous was a choice on mumsnet not that you had to be.

Op probably hoped it would be identified and shared with the niece thinking everyone would agree with her

50 years ago most of my friends were married with at least one child by the time they were 22. A lot of us to older guys. Most of us seem to have survived ok.

When I see people use the 'power balance' line what they mean is one of the people in the situation does not know their own mind, can't make their own decisions and basically does not have a brain in their own head

I don't remember the last time this was ever said about a man

So basically what people are saying is women have less brain cells then men and have little intelligence?

Older men can seem very appealing at that age. I was pregnant with someone 17 years older than me at her age.

It doesn’t sound like the worst situation - as long as they marry, even if it does go tits up she’ll be protected financially. And you’re assuming she won’t get a job after studying, that may still happen. I think you’re over invested in the situation and need to leave her to it.

What do you do?

You support her and wish her well and if it all goes wrong you hold her tight and help her pick up the pieces.

Don't judge her choices ....even if you disagree with them.

I think YABU. She is an adult and is perfectly capable of making her own decisions. The age seems to be the crux of the matter for you. Neither you, or her dad can make decisions for her, so why risk your relationship with DN. Just be there to support her, if, or when she needs.