Worried about nieces relationship

[PinkBirdies]

Hi all,

I will start with context, my brother is a GP, he has one daughter, her mother passed away when she was a child and my brother has raised her entirely alone. We live in the north so while she’s always had a lovely home and was privately educated as a family we aren’t very well off.
My niece is smart, she’s in her 3rd year of uni studying English at UCL. She took a gap year so will turn 22 in August. After uni she plans to do a masters which is fair enough.

About a year and a half ago she started seeing an older guy, he’s 34, he is clearly very well off (both as an individual and in a generational sense), he’s the type of person who has a whole team of people that make his life work - drivers, PA you name it. He has already started spoiling my niece, she quit her part-time job and now seems to float between the tennis club, uni and shopping, she’s detached from all her friends and seems to favour his circle.

We all hoped this was just a phase but it’s become apparent he intends to propose in the summer and past her masters niece has no plans.

My fear is that she may be on track to being an eternal student until she has children then from there spend more time at Pilates and tennis than with said children who will no doubt have a team of nanny’s. Once she dares to lose the good looks age gives someone she will be disposed off so he can trot off and find his next young victim to repeat the cycle with.

My brother thinks we shouldn’t worry, she seems happy and he’s not a bad guy, but my niece used to be so ambitious - not anymore!

AIBU to worry? What can we do?

Maybe she finds men her own age immature.

@PinkBirdies I think his life experiences are far more important than his age. For example if he has children from a previous relationship then I'd think it's a little more odd as they are at completely different stages in their life's. If he has worked in London following the work hard, party harder philosophy for the last 10+ years then mentally / life stages wise they are probably very well matched.

I always assume that posters change enough of the less relevant detail to ensure their posts aren't "outing".

CEO of a large organisation changed to GP, divorced parents changed to "mother died when student was young", Bristol University changed to UCL, etc. OP might even be in conflict with her husband and writing about her own daughter.

I'm sure there are a few Mumsnet detectives who are confused now... 🕵‍♀️

Unless OP is a bit daft (and no reason to think she is), the post will not be outing.

I’d be a bit worried about it too. But what can you do?

@SerenChocolateMuncher Bit weird to give specific and totally unnecessary details about the nieces course, year of study and university if it's actually false information.
It's not added anything to the OP's point.

Not weird at all. You can change details while maintaining the context (as in the examples I have given in my post).

@SerenChocolateMuncher also 'mother died when student was young' changed from 'parents divorced' would be a significant detail change that would indeed change the outcome because the niece would also have the guidance and love of her present and alive mother.

How do you know OP hasn’t changed a lot of details as a disguise?

Sorry x post someone already suggested.

My fear is that she may be on track to being an eternal student until she has children then from there spend more time at Pilates and tennis than with said children who will no doubt have a team of nanny’s. Once she dares to lose the good looks age gives someone she will be disposed off so he can trot off and find his next young victim to repeat the cycle with.

Are you jealous? Projecting? Too much time on instagram?

What level of income would mean you didn't make assumptions about nannies? What age gap would stop you questioning what they see in each other?

My parents had a 12yr age gap and were married for over 50yrs... not sure what the problem is here?

How do you know she has ?
My point is that the specific details of this persons study programme and university has absolutely no bearing on the point the OP is making so rather than making something up as a disguise you just wouldn't add it or could even say , a mainstream course at a London uni.
It's entirely plausible that she has given outing info and I was just highlighting that to give the op the opportunity to address that.

It would be like writing 'my 13 stone ginger haired husband from Yorkshire is having an affair' when in fact they were a slim build bald guy from Fife to try and throw people off the scent of who they really are - would be odd and entirely unnecessary.

You assume that the mother remained in contact with her daughter and was a positive presence in her life. If she wasn't, she would be as good as dead for the purposes of advising her daughter and the context of the story would be unchanged.

You seem to be missing the point I'm making. Most contributors to the forum are not stupid and can compose a post that gives the right context without exposing the real people involved.

I am not the OP, so I don't know whether the mother of the young woman concerned is dead or divorced (or even the OP herself). It doesn't matter as long as identifies are protected. The OP/Mumsnet hasn't responded to your (and a few other people's) warning, so I think you can rest easy and assume all is well.



There was 12 years between dh and I, we were very happy.

When I read the OP all I could see was jealousy.

I see it, OP.
I also see why pp's think you are over-reacting.
Largely dependent on your life's experiences I suppose.
Not an easy situation but I am not sure what you can do.
What is her relationship with her dad like?

I wasn't at all interested in men my age when I was 22. The man I met at university was 7 years older and much more interesting.
Its ok for priorities to change as you get older.

I don't think your giving her enough credit. Its quite patronising to assume she's such a silly little sausage that she can't possibly have thought about any of this stuff. And that she can't change it if she wants to.

have you had a chat with her? I'd probably start there. If you're close its ok to ask what her plans might be. Nicely obviously, no need to be in there going 'wtf!' At the moment there are an awful lot of assumptions.

Sounds like she'll be living the life of Riley! Haha!
From the title of your post I thought you were going to say that she was with a narcissistic drug addict or something. Instead she's met a very rich man who's serious about her. The age gap isn't huge at all. It's not like he's 50. They may settle down and have kids or she may decide she's too young and turn him down. If she does choose to settle down she may regret it in later years or she may be very happy. I had children late and I can really see the benefits of having children in your 20s. I wish I had. If she has children in her 20s she'll be enjoying a lot of freedom in her 40s (unlike me - perimenopausal with 2 kids and aging parents. It's tough). Having children young was always perfectly normal until recently.
And yes, they may spilt up in the future but they may not!! If they do, she'll be entitled to a big pay out from her DH so I'm sure she'll be fine.
It seems to me like you're worrying about many different what ifs. She's an adult, she seems to be happy. I don't see the problem at all.

Yes she's young but she's an adult and he's in his 30s not his 70s. I'd leave her to live her life and make whatever choices and mistakes she wants. She could do a lot worse than a rich older man who spoils her.

Exactly, she's 22 not 12!!! Jesus, at that age I was living with a long term partner and engaged. Why are you babying her?

I know that nieces and aunts can be very close. My own DD is very close to her aunt and it's lovely. As your niece has lost her mum it's great that you're so involved and supportive of her. However, I also think you're a little too involved and that it's not your business. The worst that can happen is they split up down the line or they get married and she's not happy. If either of these things happen she'll be OK. She always has the option to leave if she's not happy. I'm sure nearly every person on Mumsnet has been through a relationship breakdown and survived. It's a normal part of life.

What’s with all the judgey weird threads on here today. Someone else is pearl clutching about their families dress sense, and the op is apparently mapping out this young woman’s future and deeming it not acceptable

what the heck is wrong with some folks.

Bloody hell OP he's not some perverse geriatric!

One of my nieces married a man 14 years older, a successful and wealthy man from near aristocracy (we are all very much working class).

Despite their diverse backgrounds they have loads of common interests and fell deeply in love and have a totally happy marriage.

TBH you sound like your nose is out of joint and rather jealous.

Her own Dad is happy about it and he knows her far far better than you do!

"Your right she is attractive, athletics and intelligent so I guess that begs the question less of why is he interested in him and more why is she interested in him - she could have anyone including someone her age!"

Perhaps - given that she is obviously intelligent - she finds many people her own age immature, inexperienced, or just interested in different things to her.

Perhaps she is interested in this man because he is kind, considerate, caring or many or other wonderful things.

Yes it's a biggish age gap. Doesn't mean it won't work.

Yes, he might propose. Doesn't mean they will be together for ever.

And yes, you're over-invested, nosy and judgemental.

She could do a lot worse than a rich older man who spoils her

He's not a rich older man. He's a rich man who just happens to be older than her. 34 & 22 isn't an outrageous age gap. I'm sure there aren't many 22 women who want to go out with 22 yr old 'boys'. When I was that age it was all about an older, hopefully more sophisticated man.