Worried about nieces relationship

[PinkBirdies]

Hi all,

I will start with context, my brother is a GP, he has one daughter, her mother passed away when she was a child and my brother has raised her entirely alone. We live in the north so while she’s always had a lovely home and was privately educated as a family we aren’t very well off.
My niece is smart, she’s in her 3rd year of uni studying English at UCL. She took a gap year so will turn 22 in August. After uni she plans to do a masters which is fair enough.

About a year and a half ago she started seeing an older guy, he’s 34, he is clearly very well off (both as an individual and in a generational sense), he’s the type of person who has a whole team of people that make his life work - drivers, PA you name it. He has already started spoiling my niece, she quit her part-time job and now seems to float between the tennis club, uni and shopping, she’s detached from all her friends and seems to favour his circle.

We all hoped this was just a phase but it’s become apparent he intends to propose in the summer and past her masters niece has no plans.

My fear is that she may be on track to being an eternal student until she has children then from there spend more time at Pilates and tennis than with said children who will no doubt have a team of nanny’s. Once she dares to lose the good looks age gives someone she will be disposed off so he can trot off and find his next young victim to repeat the cycle with.

My brother thinks we shouldn’t worry, she seems happy and he’s not a bad guy, but my niece used to be so ambitious - not anymore!

AIBU to worry? What can we do?

OP I thought you was going to say 30 year age gap not 12😂

None of this matters unless SHE IS CRAZY ENOUGH TO HAVE KIDS WITHOUT A LEGAL MARRIAGE IN PLACE .. just saying ..

Are you saying the financial imbalance causes a power differential?

Of course it causes a power imbalance!

Only time will tell whether she pursues a career after her masters or sticks with tennis and shopping; and whether he’s controlling and that’s why he’s targeted a uni student.

She may be one of the many women to learn the hard way that someone else’s money is never your own and a gilded cage has its luxuries but also its bars and its boredom. Worse case scenario she gets divorced with or without kids - it’s not the end of the world

It all sounds fab to me. OP sounds bitter at her niece’s good fortune

She has got someone. Someone bloody wealthy.

My brother is a GP and she is privately educated sounds a lot like you wish you'd had that life yourself and wouldn't waste it on a rich man and playing tennis.

She's happy. Life isn't a straight line. Let her be happy. Her dad will always be there if it goes wrong.

I do understand some of your concerns op, but but there's nothing so egregious so far as to merit an intervention. I think the biggest concern is that she's detached from her friends.

I think if you're dating someone younger, you shouldn't want to take over their lives perse, and it seems like he hasn't encouraged her to keep up with her old friendships and attachments. However that might be all her own doing. Maybe you or her dad could talk to her about that, and the importance of keeping some financial independence, but you can't do much more than that.

Your brother telling you its fine is his way of politely telling you he doesn't want to hear your views on the matter.

No it sounds like she’s bright and well educated so OP was hoping she would go on to a good career and an equal relationship.

This one could go either way: he could be nice despite his cash or he may well be like many men who have a lot of, and really value, money who collect trophies. If so DN may come to regret it. Unfortunately there’s nothing OP can do if DN has to learn this particular lesson other than give wise advice.

Not necessarily. He’s never been a woman and never been seduced by a rich man so he doesn’t see any flags.

At the moment you don’t seem to have any evidence of ill treatment, as it sounds like you are just concerned about the change in her. It may also be that due to the loss of her mother you feel more responsibility towards her, or that you worry she may be more vulnerable as a result of her loss. That said, you are of course right to be worried about the power dynamics, and if she is distancing herself from friends she may be being manipulated and isolated by him. With that in mind I think all you can do is be alert to any signs of abuse.

I can see your point of view OP as I would feel that she needs to make something of herself before a life of retirement.

Wow. The assumptions and judgements in this post is insane she is a fully grown woman!

Once she dares to lose the good looks age gives someone she will be disposed off so he can trot off and find his next young victim to repeat the cycle with.

You sound unhinged. Honestly, calm down and mind your own affairs.

Are you a woman who has been seduced by a rich man?

This is so deeply not your business.
Unless you think he's abusing her you need to stay out of this. You raised concerns with her dad and he is not concerned... so that's the end of that.
If she seems happy then that is what matters.
I'd also like to ask you how on earth you think someone who is completing a masters degree is in some way not achieving in life?!
It sounds like you have a very specific idea of what she should be doing...
Again it is deeply not your business.
She's clever, she's happy... she has the luxury of being in a position to study things that interest her for pure interest rather than to support herself.
I think a lot of people would be incredibly happy for her rather than worried.

That’s precisely the point isn’t it, she is ‘studying’ so hasn’t begun any kind of employment yet, it is all very well being dependent on someone else until it isn’t! It like terrible if you have had no job and you are starting out in your 30s if it goes wrong and statistically it could easily do so!

Blimey she’s 22, give her a break. She’s almost got a degree under her belt after years of hard work, then plans to complete a masters, why should she have her whole life planned out at such a young age? Let her have fun, she’s enjoying being spoilt and will likely just get bored of tennis at some point.

to me this sounds a teeny bit crab bucket?

I’ve never been seduced by one but I’ve been around and hit on by many.

How did they meet?

So by that logic...

The nieve has been seduced so she more experience to make the decision than you.

I know someone who has a step daughter this age who is at UCL doing a masters who is dating a very very rich older man. She's living the life of riley!

OP I would see alarm bells if this is was a child or he was nasty or abusive . But she's an adult and he seems nice and she's entitled to make her own life choices.

That’s one of the dumbest comments I’ve ever read.