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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Being upset my husband went to the gym while I'm pregnant and dealing with flu

85 replies

Fatandtired12 · 30/04/2024 18:13

First time Post so please bare with me.
I'm currently 25 weeks pregnant with our second child and have been suffering with spd pretty bad, I work 9 hour shifts which require me to be on my feet for the duration and I get tired easily right now.

Last week husband came home with flu, he finished work early for a number of days and really suffered, I cooked, made sure the house was clean and took care of our 6 year old so he could rest. Now I'm suffering with the flu, not as badly as him as I've had my flu jab but it has worn me out. I'm trying to rest and recover for my shifts this week.

Today husband decided it was the perfect time to go back to the gym after taking the week off to recover, he waited until this afternoon to tell me and then half heartily offered to stay home to "help" (watch YouTube videos on his phone)
I admittedly told him it doesn't matter and he just nodded and left.
I know I should have told him to stay but he would have just gotten annoyed.
I'm just really upset that he decided to leave his heavily pregnant wife at home alone with their 6 year old while she's sick so he can workout.

I know im probably over reacting, I have pain moving around, been having horrific tooth and jaw pain which I've had to take co codamol for (little sleep), dealing with flu and just emotional

OP posts:
ManchesterBeatrice · 30/04/2024 18:14

Why is he referring to shared tasks as help.

That's unreasonable in itself.

RandomMess · 30/04/2024 18:18

SPD you need to be resting and getting a risk assessment for your job.

He needs to

  1. Do his share
  2. Take over and let you rest as much as possible.
THisbackwithavengeance · 30/04/2024 18:21

I was going to say YABU but on reflection no.

Many men are inherently selfish and entitled OP and his behaviour is a reflection of that. Hopefully next time he's ill, you make sure you don't lift a finger for him.

Original poster
Fatandtired12 · 30/04/2024 19:00

@RandomMess
I have asked my boss for a risk assessment but he is dragging his heels about it. I was planning on working until the 34 week mark but it doesn't seem possible right now

Husband isn't very domesticated, he can't cook, gets annoyed with our child easily and puts my struggling down to hormones and my feelings

OP posts:
chaticat · 30/04/2024 19:02

"help" he can fuck right off it's not "help"

Original poster
Fatandtired12 · 30/04/2024 19:02

@THisbackwithavengeance

We've had a lot of conversations about me neededing extra help but it never seems to help.

I'd feel really guilty about watching him struggle

OP posts:
chaticat · 30/04/2024 19:02

Fatandtired12 · 30/04/2024 19:00

@RandomMess
I have asked my boss for a risk assessment but he is dragging his heels about it. I was planning on working until the 34 week mark but it doesn't seem possible right now

Husband isn't very domesticated, he can't cook, gets annoyed with our child easily and puts my struggling down to hormones and my feelings

He's a dick. Why are you with him? Seriously?

chaticat · 30/04/2024 19:03

Fatandtired12 · 30/04/2024 19:02

@THisbackwithavengeance

We've had a lot of conversations about me neededing extra help but it never seems to help.

I'd feel really guilty about watching him struggle

You'd feel guilty watching him learn how to cook? Does he have a disability that makes it difficult for him to cook?

ManchesterBeatrice · 30/04/2024 19:03

Fatandtired12 · 30/04/2024 19:02

@THisbackwithavengeance

We've had a lot of conversations about me neededing extra help but it never seems to help.

I'd feel really guilty about watching him struggle

I think you need to change this language.

AnnaMagnani · 30/04/2024 19:04

However disappointing they are, never fall into the trap of saying 'It doesn't matter'

They will absolutely hear 'it doesn't matter' and not the incredibly disappointed/angry tone of voice. Then when you point it out later it'll be your fault for not communicating.

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 30/04/2024 19:04

What made you choose to have a second child with this absolute man child?

Please don't have a third, he won't change. Leave.

AnnaMagnani · 30/04/2024 19:05

Seen your update - put the guilt away!

He will only learn by trying. It may be painful for both you (who could do it in half the time) and him but he has to learn.

BigBadBarri · 30/04/2024 19:13

Fatandtired12 · 30/04/2024 19:00

@RandomMess
I have asked my boss for a risk assessment but he is dragging his heels about it. I was planning on working until the 34 week mark but it doesn't seem possible right now

Husband isn't very domesticated, he can't cook, gets annoyed with our child easily and puts my struggling down to hormones and my feelings

Why are you having another child with him….?

abracadabra1980 · 30/04/2024 19:15

I ended up mowing the lawn at 8 months pregnant while (now ExH) sat on the garden bench smoking. Many years ago now. but it was an indication of his complete inability to empathise with another human being. I always hoped he'd change. He didn't.

Umbongowasyuk · 30/04/2024 19:21

You are 25 weeks pregnant, doing a 9hr shift with flu ?? Crikey you must have superpowers.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 30/04/2024 19:21

He is an adult, with no disabilities or reasons he can't do normal adult tasks, right? So why ON EARTH would you feel guilty about watching him do those tasks? There is nobody who 'can't cook'. He can start simple. It's not 'struggling', it's learning to do basic adult things, fgs!

And, like everyone else has said, you both need to stop thinking of it as him helping you. It's not helping. It's doing his bit to look after his house and his child.

DelphiniumBlue · 30/04/2024 19:25

Fatandtired12 · 30/04/2024 19:02

@THisbackwithavengeance

We've had a lot of conversations about me neededing extra help but it never seems to help.

I'd feel really guilty about watching him struggle

Don't watch him then, take yourself off to bed and leave him to it.
If you say you can't cope but then actually do cope and soldier on, he's not going to think you are serious. You need to demonstrate that you are treating yourself seriously. You are not his paid help.

Steamboats · 30/04/2024 19:31

I don't understand why you told him it was OK for him to go to the gym. If he really couldn't understand why he should have been staying at home to do his share then surely you should have explained how you were feeling.
I don't understand why you should be feeling guilty because he doesn't seem able to cope with what are normal domestic tasks.
You are supposed to be a partnership.
Surely things aren't going to get any better until you raise your expectations of him. Otherwise he will continue to get away with allowing you to do the lion's share in the relationship. He is on to a good thing ATM.

PoppingTomorrow · 30/04/2024 19:35

Fatandtired12 · 30/04/2024 19:00

@RandomMess
I have asked my boss for a risk assessment but he is dragging his heels about it. I was planning on working until the 34 week mark but it doesn't seem possible right now

Husband isn't very domesticated, he can't cook, gets annoyed with our child easily and puts my struggling down to hormones and my feelings

He needs to grow up and sort his shit out.

It has never been easier to access basic recipes and videos of techniques. If he follows the instructions he can cook. He just doesn't want to.

Original poster
Fatandtired12 · 30/04/2024 19:43

Thank you for all your replies, it's comforting to know it's not just me being "overly emotional" due to hormones.

I honestly don't know how im still functioning at this point. I'm exhausted.

In regards to the house work and childcare husband works five days (factory line job) a week where as i only work four. There are some aspects of housework he says isn't his issue such as sorting laundry or cleaning the bathroom.

If I don't cook for him he won't cook for himself, or if he, on the off chance does, it's some fries. Then when I get home he will complain he hasn't eaten well and that he needs to hit his protien and carb intake so I end up making his meals.

OP posts:
AnnaMagnani · 30/04/2024 19:44

PoppingTomorrow · 30/04/2024 19:35

He needs to grow up and sort his shit out.

It has never been easier to access basic recipes and videos of techniques. If he follows the instructions he can cook. He just doesn't want to.

Show quote history

This.

I have a non-cooking DH. This doesn't especially bother me as I like cooking and he does other jobs.

But when left alone he doesn't starve. He proves capable of googling stuff like 'how do I cook broccoli?' I might not want to eat any of his meals but he is capable of doing it.

agncndmkd128494 · 30/04/2024 19:45

I had SPD with both my pregnancies, it's horrible and you should be resting as much as you can especially if you're on your feet at work.
You're supposed to be in a partnership so yes DH is being unreasonable, he should be home looking after you and 6 year old!

neilyoungismyhero · 30/04/2024 19:48

Fatandtired12 · 30/04/2024 19:43

Thank you for all your replies, it's comforting to know it's not just me being "overly emotional" due to hormones.

I honestly don't know how im still functioning at this point. I'm exhausted.

In regards to the house work and childcare husband works five days (factory line job) a week where as i only work four. There are some aspects of housework he says isn't his issue such as sorting laundry or cleaning the bathroom.

If I don't cook for him he won't cook for himself, or if he, on the off chance does, it's some fries. Then when I get home he will complain he hasn't eaten well and that he needs to hit his protien and carb intake so I end up making his meals.

This has got to be a comedy skit! Sorry but you're entitling him and it won't improve. He's a complete tosser.

OrangeSlices998 · 30/04/2024 19:51

Fatandtired12 · 30/04/2024 19:43

Thank you for all your replies, it's comforting to know it's not just me being "overly emotional" due to hormones.

I honestly don't know how im still functioning at this point. I'm exhausted.

In regards to the house work and childcare husband works five days (factory line job) a week where as i only work four. There are some aspects of housework he says isn't his issue such as sorting laundry or cleaning the bathroom.

If I don't cook for him he won't cook for himself, or if he, on the off chance does, it's some fries. Then when I get home he will complain he hasn't eaten well and that he needs to hit his protien and carb intake so I end up making his meals.

How embarrassing for him. He’s your 2nd child! Honestly this won’t change if you keep mothering him and rescuing him from the pain of having to be an adult.

He doesn’t think laundry is his issue? Well he’ll change his tune when he runs out of pants and clean uniform. How does he think all the clothes, sheets and towels get clean and dry? Magic? What a pathetic man.

Damnyourheadshoulderskneesandtoes · 30/04/2024 19:52

Fatandtired12 · 30/04/2024 19:43

Thank you for all your replies, it's comforting to know it's not just me being "overly emotional" due to hormones.

I honestly don't know how im still functioning at this point. I'm exhausted.

In regards to the house work and childcare husband works five days (factory line job) a week where as i only work four. There are some aspects of housework he says isn't his issue such as sorting laundry or cleaning the bathroom.

If I don't cook for him he won't cook for himself, or if he, on the off chance does, it's some fries. Then when I get home he will complain he hasn't eaten well and that he needs to hit his protien and carb intake so I end up making his meals.

Tell him to get his act together, you're slogging along like a packhorse while he sits on his lazy arse watching YouTube or swanning round the gym! Who the fuck does he think he is!