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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Being upset my husband went to the gym while I'm pregnant and dealing with flu

85 replies

Fatandtired12 · 30/04/2024 18:13

First time Post so please bare with me.
I'm currently 25 weeks pregnant with our second child and have been suffering with spd pretty bad, I work 9 hour shifts which require me to be on my feet for the duration and I get tired easily right now.

Last week husband came home with flu, he finished work early for a number of days and really suffered, I cooked, made sure the house was clean and took care of our 6 year old so he could rest. Now I'm suffering with the flu, not as badly as him as I've had my flu jab but it has worn me out. I'm trying to rest and recover for my shifts this week.

Today husband decided it was the perfect time to go back to the gym after taking the week off to recover, he waited until this afternoon to tell me and then half heartily offered to stay home to "help" (watch YouTube videos on his phone)
I admittedly told him it doesn't matter and he just nodded and left.
I know I should have told him to stay but he would have just gotten annoyed.
I'm just really upset that he decided to leave his heavily pregnant wife at home alone with their 6 year old while she's sick so he can workout.

I know im probably over reacting, I have pain moving around, been having horrific tooth and jaw pain which I've had to take co codamol for (little sleep), dealing with flu and just emotional

OP posts:
Peachy2005 · 30/04/2024 23:24

This sounds like modern-day slavery… if you ask for any help or speak up you are dismissed as “hormonal”…and he has no patience with your 6 year old?

I think you should re-read your own posts and imagine they were written by your sister or close friend or your daughter…what would you advise her?

Ottersmith · 30/04/2024 23:30

'isn't very domesticated'?? are you from the 1970s? He can't look after himself. You need to stop doing everything for him. Do you want your kids to think this is how marriages work?

Codlingmoths · 30/04/2024 23:31

Text him now: I can’t believe you asked about going to the gym and then went. While you had the flu I did all the parenting and housework while struggling with my pregnancy. Now I have the flu and… you’ve gone to the gym. When you come home I’m going to bed and I want our child taken care of, the kitchen cleaned and our child dressed fed brushed teeth and taken to school in the morning. If you can’t do that then I regret all the love and care I’ve given you, it’s clearly not reciprocated.’

when you’re better, buy a basic recipe book. Starting out you buy the ingredients. Send him into the kitchen, say I’m worried if I died you couldn’t parent, this year you start cooking one healthy meal a week, to start off with I’ve bought everything, you’re a capable adult with solid reading skills and here is the recipe.
stop letting him be so pathetic.

Codlingmoths · 30/04/2024 23:33

And if he grumps or gets mad, you say ‘don’t get emotional on me now.’

Mmhmmn · 30/04/2024 23:34

Many people can’t cook but we do anyway…. Learned incompetence.

does he have any redeeming characteristics?

anythinginapinch · 30/04/2024 23:56

Another Grade A twat.

JustAnotherManicMomday · 01/05/2024 00:02

Toothache and jaw pain when feeling unwell, please get that checked out as this can be signs of something more serious such as endocarditis.

mathanxiety · 01/05/2024 00:22

Knittedfairies2 · 30/04/2024 20:52

There are some aspects of housework he says isn't his issue such as sorting laundry or cleaning the bathroom

If he ever wears clothes or uses the bathroom, it is his issue.

He'd better have the world's best aim at the loo to have that attitude.

Basically he's telling you that you are beneath him, that it's your job to clean his piss off the floor or wherever else he gets it.

This man isn't t in a committed, loving relationship. He's on a power trip.

mathanxiety · 01/05/2024 00:30

Fatandtired12 · 30/04/2024 19:02

@THisbackwithavengeance

We've had a lot of conversations about me neededing extra help but it never seems to help.

I'd feel really guilty about watching him struggle

You are honestly your own worst enemy here.

Sit with your guilt. Feel it. Don't address it by getting up and rescuing this ridiculous (so-called) man.

You will survive feeling guilt. It's just a feeling. It's a feeling you have to stand up to.

You will not survive martyring yourself, however, and its clear your selfish, awful twat of a "partner" is going to take full advantage of the free ride you're giving him. Resist your self-destructive impulse.

Pushing yourself when you have SPD will come back to haunt you when you're middle-aged. You'll end up a physical wreck. Don't do it!

AppleCrumbCake · 01/05/2024 07:00

I had a husband who struggled to adapt when I went from part time to full time. When he said he couldn’t cope I didn’t step in. I was at work (shifts) or sleeping so left him to it. It took a few months for him to initially acclimatise and a year to refine his abilities. He’s an equal partner now.

You need to rest. Plan to get home, make an omlette or beans on toast or jacket potato or a sandwich or ready made soup and paper cups/plates (something incredibly simple to reduce standing time) and put a clothes wash on for yourself and DD (not him). Do not clear up or do any other household tasks and instead go to bed and rest. Wear PJs. Watch a film in bed with DD, read in bed, chat online in bed, sleep. Ignore comments and complaints. Send him a link to your medical conditions each time he complains and remind him each time it’s a medical condition and you’ve been told by medics to rest. He won’t step up while you keep stepping in to rescue him. You need to let the household completely fall apart for a couple of months for him to start to take responsibility. Your health and your babies health have to come first. Eventually he will run out of clothes and plates and will have to do something. If he doesn’t you need to seriously reconsider wether you want to be with a partner who doesn’t pull his weight and fails to support you when you’re at your most vulnerable.

DelphiniumBlue · 01/05/2024 17:08

ziipidydodah · 30/04/2024 21:12

You work 36 hours per week, he works what? 40?

If so, tell him you will do the first 4 hours of any chores or childcare in any given week and after that it’s all split 50:50. And even then, that only after DC2 is born and your first few weeks of recovery after the birth.

He’s a pathetic man baby.

She shouldn't even be expected to do half. She's pregnant, got SPD and feeling ill. She shouldn't be having to do anywhere near half the chores.
This is a man who married her, presumably vowing to support her "in sickness and in health..." this is one of those times when he needs to be actively supporting her, not fucking off to the gym and leaving her to do everything.
OP, you need to take to your bed, and do not tell him it is OK to go to the gym when it clearly isn't.

JMSA · 01/05/2024 18:28

YABU. He was probably stir crazy after being home very ill. It's a trip to the gym, not a piss-up. And it's not like you're at home with a toddler.
Just make sure that you get time to do something nice that you want to do. And I hope you feel better soon.

gamerchick · 01/05/2024 19:42

JMSA · 01/05/2024 18:28

YABU. He was probably stir crazy after being home very ill. It's a trip to the gym, not a piss-up. And it's not like you're at home with a toddler.
Just make sure that you get time to do something nice that you want to do. And I hope you feel better soon.

So it's ok for him to be ill in peace while the OP does the graft, but when she catches his lurgy he gets to bugger off to blow off steam, while she gets to do all the graft? Really? Hmm

LightSpeeds · 01/05/2024 19:43

You've picked a loser there! 😬

ziipidydodah · 01/05/2024 19:45

DelphiniumBlue · 01/05/2024 17:08

She shouldn't even be expected to do half. She's pregnant, got SPD and feeling ill. She shouldn't be having to do anywhere near half the chores.
This is a man who married her, presumably vowing to support her "in sickness and in health..." this is one of those times when he needs to be actively supporting her, not fucking off to the gym and leaving her to do everything.
OP, you need to take to your bed, and do not tell him it is OK to go to the gym when it clearly isn't.

Show quote history

Tell me you didn’t read my post without telling me you didn’t read my post 🙄

Yes, that exactly what I said.

Curlywurlywurly · 01/05/2024 19:57

Stop being a martyr. Take yourself to bed and stay there. He needs to grow up and pull his weight around the house. Don’t enable his ineptness any longer.

longtompot · 01/05/2024 21:05

AppleCrumbCake · 01/05/2024 07:00

I had a husband who struggled to adapt when I went from part time to full time. When he said he couldn’t cope I didn’t step in. I was at work (shifts) or sleeping so left him to it. It took a few months for him to initially acclimatise and a year to refine his abilities. He’s an equal partner now.

You need to rest. Plan to get home, make an omlette or beans on toast or jacket potato or a sandwich or ready made soup and paper cups/plates (something incredibly simple to reduce standing time) and put a clothes wash on for yourself and DD (not him). Do not clear up or do any other household tasks and instead go to bed and rest. Wear PJs. Watch a film in bed with DD, read in bed, chat online in bed, sleep. Ignore comments and complaints. Send him a link to your medical conditions each time he complains and remind him each time it’s a medical condition and you’ve been told by medics to rest. He won’t step up while you keep stepping in to rescue him. You need to let the household completely fall apart for a couple of months for him to start to take responsibility. Your health and your babies health have to come first. Eventually he will run out of clothes and plates and will have to do something. If he doesn’t you need to seriously reconsider wether you want to be with a partner who doesn’t pull his weight and fails to support you when you’re at your most vulnerable.

Some very wise suggestions here. I hope you take on board what people are telling you.

And as for this!? There are some aspects of housework he says isn't his issue such as sorting laundry or cleaning the bathroom If he wears clothes and uses the bathroom they are his issue, and more so with the SPD you are suffering from.

Blueeyedmale · 01/05/2024 21:12

Sounds like you have picked an entitled prick sorry for the language.what kind of person leaves his heavily pregnant partner with flu and fucks off to the gym.

An absolute self centered ass that's who.some men never cease to amaze me hope you feel better soon

Original poster
Fatandtired12 · 02/05/2024 15:55

Thank you all for your advice, I'm sorry i haven't posted, I've taken a few days off work and am focusing on resting.

So yesterday things came to a head. I was just feeling awful, tired and in pain.
I was making dinner for our 6 year old and just burst into tears. I let it all out. Told husband I know it's selfish but he shouldn't have put me in the position he did when he went to the gym, that if I wasn't already obvious I was struggling and I needed him to step up and care for me, if he couldn't do that than it was obvious the relationship wasn't working for both of us.
He was defensive at first but seems to have actually listened.
He's taken our 6 year old to school, done the pots and asked me to show him how to cook some simple meals.

We have also decided that I'm going to use my holidays and then go straight onto maternity leave as working is putting extra stress on me and baby. He seemed happy at th thought of me being home more but I have made it clear that doesn't mean I will be doing everything I have been doing. The number one priority is baby right now

OP posts:
tennesseewhiskey1 · 02/05/2024 16:13

Why did you even think of having a second child with him -he sounds useless.

ziipidydodah · 02/05/2024 17:10

It sounds like a productive conversation. Well done! Get some rest and I hope you feel better soon. I am sure he will need a lot of prodding to keep on track but at least he listened and is starting to make an effort.

rwalker · 02/05/2024 17:17

What times the gym open to presume DD be in bed at reasonable time can’t he go later when everything done most round to here are open till 10

HesterPrincess · 02/05/2024 17:30

I look back now on what DH got away with when I was raising our kids and I feel sick. I did nothing but enable his laziness and got more and more resentful as time went on. We actually split over it in the end, and although we did work things out, he still needs the occasional reminder that I wasn't born to be his servant Hmm

In the nicest way, OP, he's an adult who is perfectly capable of doing everything that you're doing at home and for your children. So stop letting him walk all over you and make him support you. It's both of your home, both of your family. And I'd be putting a stop to the gym for the next 6 months. TIme away from a family is a luxury not a necessity. Intensive cleaning will sort his cardio out.

GingerPirate · 02/05/2024 19:33

Damnyourheadshoulderskneesandtoes · 30/04/2024 19:52

Tell him to get his act together, you're slogging along like a packhorse while he sits on his lazy arse watching YouTube or swanning round the gym! Who the fuck does he think he is!

Show quote history

A man who probably chose to have a family in haste.

JungleJimmy · 02/05/2024 22:19

He's "asked you to show him how to cook simple meals?"

No. Just no.

This will still mean you planning what the meals are going to be, buying the ingredients and teaching him whilst simultaneously watching your child.

Tell HIM to look up some family-friendly meals that He wants to cook, he can buy the ingredients and follow the recipe to make it. If children can do that, he should be able to as well.

Fuck me! You tell him you're overloaded and he gives you a new job as cookery teacher to add to your list 🙄