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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Being upset my husband went to the gym while I'm pregnant and dealing with flu

85 replies

Fatandtired12 · 30/04/2024 18:13

First time Post so please bare with me.
I'm currently 25 weeks pregnant with our second child and have been suffering with spd pretty bad, I work 9 hour shifts which require me to be on my feet for the duration and I get tired easily right now.

Last week husband came home with flu, he finished work early for a number of days and really suffered, I cooked, made sure the house was clean and took care of our 6 year old so he could rest. Now I'm suffering with the flu, not as badly as him as I've had my flu jab but it has worn me out. I'm trying to rest and recover for my shifts this week.

Today husband decided it was the perfect time to go back to the gym after taking the week off to recover, he waited until this afternoon to tell me and then half heartily offered to stay home to "help" (watch YouTube videos on his phone)
I admittedly told him it doesn't matter and he just nodded and left.
I know I should have told him to stay but he would have just gotten annoyed.
I'm just really upset that he decided to leave his heavily pregnant wife at home alone with their 6 year old while she's sick so he can workout.

I know im probably over reacting, I have pain moving around, been having horrific tooth and jaw pain which I've had to take co codamol for (little sleep), dealing with flu and just emotional

OP posts:
TheFunHasGone · 30/04/2024 19:53

Fatandtired12 · 30/04/2024 19:43

Thank you for all your replies, it's comforting to know it's not just me being "overly emotional" due to hormones.

I honestly don't know how im still functioning at this point. I'm exhausted.

In regards to the house work and childcare husband works five days (factory line job) a week where as i only work four. There are some aspects of housework he says isn't his issue such as sorting laundry or cleaning the bathroom.

If I don't cook for him he won't cook for himself, or if he, on the off chance does, it's some fries. Then when I get home he will complain he hasn't eaten well and that he needs to hit his protien and carb intake so I end up making his meals.

What? He can't stick some chicken breasts in the oven?

Why are you falling for thos crap and making him food ?

InWithPeaceOutWithStress · 30/04/2024 19:54

Gosh you need to stop enabling him OP and you need to start asserting your needs. “I’m sick, exhausted, and at breaking point. No you can’t go to the gym as you need to cook for me and look after DC” and then go back to bed.

chaticat · 30/04/2024 19:57

Fatandtired12 · 30/04/2024 19:43

Thank you for all your replies, it's comforting to know it's not just me being "overly emotional" due to hormones.

I honestly don't know how im still functioning at this point. I'm exhausted.

In regards to the house work and childcare husband works five days (factory line job) a week where as i only work four. There are some aspects of housework he says isn't his issue such as sorting laundry or cleaning the bathroom.

If I don't cook for him he won't cook for himself, or if he, on the off chance does, it's some fries. Then when I get home he will complain he hasn't eaten well and that he needs to hit his protien and carb intake so I end up making his meals.

You work ONE less day than him. You're pregnant and ill. He needs to get off his arse and do his own washing and your child's (and preferably some of yours). Cooking protein for his fancy pants target is ridiculous. He wants protein he can open a tin of tuna can't he?

I'm so sorry but just reading it has made me soooo angry.

gamerchick · 30/04/2024 19:58

Fatandtired12 · 30/04/2024 19:43

Thank you for all your replies, it's comforting to know it's not just me being "overly emotional" due to hormones.

I honestly don't know how im still functioning at this point. I'm exhausted.

In regards to the house work and childcare husband works five days (factory line job) a week where as i only work four. There are some aspects of housework he says isn't his issue such as sorting laundry or cleaning the bathroom.

If I don't cook for him he won't cook for himself, or if he, on the off chance does, it's some fries. Then when I get home he will complain he hasn't eaten well and that he needs to hit his protien and carb intake so I end up making his meals.

So the fuck what? Let him starve and let him either do his own laundry or wear dirty clothes. It's not your problem.

The change has to come from you. Just stop and let him whine.

ChannelyourinnerElsa · 30/04/2024 20:03

i take it this is established behaviour? He’s always been like this? And you’re pregnant again….

CarpetSlipper · 30/04/2024 20:13

He sounds extremely unattractive. Is he able to do anything for himself?

Having another adult around should ease the workload, if it adds to it then he is not pulling his weight. Sounds like it would be a lot easier if he just fucked off.

Francisflute · 30/04/2024 20:18

How do you find this man sexually attractive enough to get pregnant twice?

JungleJimmy · 30/04/2024 20:22

If he pisses in the toilet, of course he should take a turn at cleaning it; why on earth would it be solely your responsibility?

I genuinely don't understand.

Two adults are sharing a property, neither has disabilities, both use the bathroom, both should be cleaning it.

Does he believe cleaning is beneath him?

Are you his servant?

The man is an idiot.

dragonscannotswim · 30/04/2024 20:25

Husband isn't very domesticated, he can't cook, gets annoyed with our child easily and puts my struggling down to hormones and my feeling

Wtf did you decide to have another dc with him?? What made you think this would be a good idea? He sounds awful

CoffeeBeansGalore · 30/04/2024 20:28

No I don't mind. It'll be nice for dd to see where daddy goes. I'm off for a soak in the bath and an early night. I'll leave her pyjamas on her bed. Don't forget to help her clean her teeth.

Do not cook any extra anything for him. Anyone can do a ham & cheese toastie.

You need to look after yourself. Your prince of a husband won't.

EmilyTjP · 30/04/2024 20:30

Realistically how long was he at the gym for? An hour?

Original poster
Fatandtired12 · 30/04/2024 20:31

Thanks to everyone for your replies. I really appreciate them.

It's clear I tend to enable husbands behaviour by allowing it to continue. I'm not really sure how to explain it but I've grown up looking after a lot of younger siblings (practically rasing them) and I've just always took the role of looking after the people around me.

When we first got together husband wasn't like this, when we had our first child he was great, he puts things down to him being tired from work and the gym, while remaining adamant he isn't an emotional person and finds it irrational.

Your replies have made me realise that that's not an excuse, we are both tired, we both work and while I'm.not working out right now I am taking care of our child, growing a baby and dealing with a lot of pain. He shouldn't be adding to that, we should be working together

OP posts:
chaticat · 30/04/2024 20:33

If he's too tired from the gym then he needs to stop going to the gym at this point in your lives

Original poster
Fatandtired12 · 30/04/2024 20:34

@EmilyTjP
2 hours as he trains with a friend

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 30/04/2024 20:43

Fatandtired12 · 30/04/2024 19:00

@RandomMess
I have asked my boss for a risk assessment but he is dragging his heels about it. I was planning on working until the 34 week mark but it doesn't seem possible right now

Husband isn't very domesticated, he can't cook, gets annoyed with our child easily and puts my struggling down to hormones and my feelings

But clearly he values you for sex...
The problem isn't lack of "domestication". The problem is that he's an entitled pig who treats you with contempt.

While he's away at the gym, compose a list of duties around the house and wrt parenting that you expect him to take on from now on.

Don't do anything more for him for the duration of the pregnancy. Rest, prepare food for you and the 6 yo. Do laundry for yourself and the 6 yo.

Are you in a union? Contact them wrt the risk assessment. Or if you have an HR department, contact them directly.

mathanxiety · 30/04/2024 20:45

Fatandtired12 · 30/04/2024 19:43

Thank you for all your replies, it's comforting to know it's not just me being "overly emotional" due to hormones.

I honestly don't know how im still functioning at this point. I'm exhausted.

In regards to the house work and childcare husband works five days (factory line job) a week where as i only work four. There are some aspects of housework he says isn't his issue such as sorting laundry or cleaning the bathroom.

If I don't cook for him he won't cook for himself, or if he, on the off chance does, it's some fries. Then when I get home he will complain he hasn't eaten well and that he needs to hit his protien and carb intake so I end up making his meals.

Yeah, this has to end.

Raise your eyebrows when he whines, and tell him neither his protein intake nor the bathroom are your problems any more.

He doesn't want to do family work because he believes it's beneath him.

mathanxiety · 30/04/2024 20:46

He "isn't an emotional person"/ "finds it irrational"?

This is toxic masculinity.

You don't have to stay with this twat.

Knittedfairies2 · 30/04/2024 20:52

There are some aspects of housework he says isn't his issue such as sorting laundry or cleaning the bathroom

If he ever wears clothes or uses the bathroom, it is his issue.

NerrSnerr · 30/04/2024 20:57

Fatandtired12 · 30/04/2024 19:02

@THisbackwithavengeance

We've had a lot of conversations about me neededing extra help but it never seems to help.

I'd feel really guilty about watching him struggle

You need to reframe this. It's not 'extra help', it's doing his share as a grown adult,

I'm just waiting for you to say he's a 'good dad' because these useless men always apparently are,

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 30/04/2024 21:01

There are some aspects of housework he says isn't his issue such as sorting laundry or cleaning the bathroom

Why? Does he not wear clothes or use the bathroom? Honestly, OP. He sounds like some kind of 1950s throwback!

Nonewclothes2024 · 30/04/2024 21:01

I'd immediately stop cooking and doing his laundry.
Then I'd LTB.

NerrSnerr · 30/04/2024 21:01

Fatandtired12 · 30/04/2024 20:31

Thanks to everyone for your replies. I really appreciate them.

It's clear I tend to enable husbands behaviour by allowing it to continue. I'm not really sure how to explain it but I've grown up looking after a lot of younger siblings (practically rasing them) and I've just always took the role of looking after the people around me.

When we first got together husband wasn't like this, when we had our first child he was great, he puts things down to him being tired from work and the gym, while remaining adamant he isn't an emotional person and finds it irrational.

Your replies have made me realise that that's not an excuse, we are both tired, we both work and while I'm.not working out right now I am taking care of our child, growing a baby and dealing with a lot of pain. He shouldn't be adding to that, we should be working together

While he was 'great' with your first child was he cooking for you or doing laundry and cleaning or was he just being less of an arsehole.

You work one day less, but still full time as you work longer shifts so housework and childcare needs to be 50-50.

LemonyFace · 30/04/2024 21:06

I voted YABU because he's gone to the gym for a couple of hours, not Timbuktu for a month.
If you're that ill, with either flu or SPD, you should be signed off work.

However, your husband needs to grow up and act like an adult not a sloppy teenager (even my one of those can wash his own clothes!).

ziipidydodah · 30/04/2024 21:12

You work 36 hours per week, he works what? 40?

If so, tell him you will do the first 4 hours of any chores or childcare in any given week and after that it’s all split 50:50. And even then, that only after DC2 is born and your first few weeks of recovery after the birth.

He’s a pathetic man baby.

Noseybookworm · 30/04/2024 22:30

Fatandtired12 · 30/04/2024 19:00

@RandomMess
I have asked my boss for a risk assessment but he is dragging his heels about it. I was planning on working until the 34 week mark but it doesn't seem possible right now

Husband isn't very domesticated, he can't cook, gets annoyed with our child easily and puts my struggling down to hormones and my feelings

He can't cook and he's impatient with his 6 year old child? He thinks it's ok to bugger off to the gym and leave you looking after your son while you're pregnant and ill? He sounds pretty awful to be honest.