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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to get engaged before moving in together?

78 replies

Lalallama1 · 30/04/2024 09:47

We're in our 30s, together for 18 months. We both want to get married and have kids.

He told me that he has a boundary that we have to live together for at least 6 months before we get married. I understand and respect that.

He currently lives in the middle of nowhere in a house he bought with his ex. Ex moved out more than 2 years ago and hasn't paid a dime towards their mortgage since. They're trying to sell it but unless he goes well under the original purchase price he is unable to sell. We've been waiting for the market to recover.

He told me to move in when my current lease is up in September. Instead of paying rent for my current flat, I will contribute towards his mortgage. I don't want to move in at all. That house frustrates me emotionally (due to its history with the ex) and logistically (horrible location). I still agreed because I want to be able to get on with our lives, especially as we don't know when it will actually sell.

We told the news to his parents over the weekend and apparently his mother wanted to give him the family heirloom ring so he could propose to me just before we move in.

He refused there and then and told me about this afterwards. I understand his moving in together request before marriage is to see how it goes test things out but isn't what engagement is for? I want to know we're taking the right step towards a shared vision/future. Also, I won't own any part of that house. I just need to know I'm more than a lodger!

Normally I would never move there. It's just that I have a family history or early menopause and PCOS and would like to have kids before the 'advanced maternal age'. I would like to have them within a marriage also.

I could be buying my own property, instead of paying towards their equity. Sure, at the minute I'm paying towards my current landlord's mortgage, but at least I have the security of being given 2 months to move out should things go sour. I will lose that. Meanwhile he isn't willing to get engaged, which doesn't have much if any repercussions other than it will be symbolically meaningful for me.

Now I feel like a mug always being the one comprimising in this relationship. Is to want to get engaged unreasonable?

OP posts:

Butchyrestingface · 30/04/2024 09:52

He told me to move in when my current lease is up in September. Instead of paying rent for my current flat, I will contribute towards his mortgage.

The mortgage he has with his ex? The one she's not contributing towards but he will still have to split the proceeds of any sale with (and not you)? Er, no.

Are you SURE this guy is the one for you?

vivainsomnia · 30/04/2024 09:53

I was on the exact same situation than you around the same age.

I moved in without an engagement proposal BUT The made it clear that it is as going to happen, I would be out of it with no way to try to get me back.

I made payment towards the house but again, kad sure to label the bank transfers as 'payment towards mortgage'.

Quite a number of occasions came and went and I did start to think the time to pack my bags had come...and then he proposed and 6 months later we were married. That was 15 years ago!

BoudiccaOfSuburbia · 30/04/2024 09:57

A few things jumped out at me. In no particular order;

’Getting engaged’ is meaningless, really, in any legal security.
Does he just want help paying his mortgage?
I wouldn’t make any firm plans for anything while he is still sorting things out with his ex.
18m is not that long to be together, and I wouldn’t marry anyone I hadn’t lived with, either. He seems sensible in that respect.
Be careful you don’t make decisions out of desperation. Though Living in a house you don’t feel comfortable in in a location that doesn’t suit you would certainly test the strength of your relationship.
Are you putting pressure on him?
Interesting that he declined to give you the heirloom ring at this point. He may be being cautious/ sensible, or not ready to commit, in his shoes I think I would feel pressured by Mum and by you!
If house sale is still ongoing I am guessing he got together with you quite quickly after the break up. Again, sensible of him to take time.

Peonies12 · 30/04/2024 09:58

I’m pleading you do not pay a penny towards his mortgage. I’d serious reconsider moving somewhere you don’t like and have no stake in, and no security. If I were you I’d stay in your own rental until he can sell that house, and then buy somewhere new together that you actually want to live. There’s way more that needs sorting, sorry but I don’t know why you want to get engaged at the moment. And surely you want to live with him before deciding if you want to marry. Please don’t let your desire for kids overrule sensible decisions about the relationship

BoudiccaOfSuburbia · 30/04/2024 10:02

What does ‘in your thirties’ mean? 32, or 38? Big differing terms of your bio clock, even taking your family history into account

Peonies12 · 30/04/2024 10:03

And honestly I think if you’re waiting for the market to recover you might be waiting forever. They might need to just drop the price and get it sold so they can move on with their lives.

cheddercherry · 30/04/2024 10:05

If you move somewhere you resent with no security, that’s isolating for you and puts pressure on him then I imagine your relationship won’t last to engagement, marriage and kids.

It’s just not the right time, he’s still tied up with his ex (I appreciate how frustrating that is for you) and isn’t able to fully start a life in partnership with you. He’s still financially bound up with her and until he’s free of that house and its ties to her, he is going to end up inadvertently putting you in a really poor financial decision. Whether he means to or not please don’t start paying on his mortgage when his ex isn’t paying. She will get half the equity alongside him and you’ll be entitled to nothing.

I’m sorry you feel under pressure to have kids but I agree with him I wouldn’t get engaged to someone I hadn’t lived with first. But rushing into what’s on paper already a messy and less than ideal situation to try and force his hand isn’t going to give you a happy, stable future for the family you want.

Bluevelvetsofa · 30/04/2024 10:05

I don’t understand how you think that you both want to get married, when he doesn’t want to make a commitment by getting engaged and has refused to accept a family ring.

You will be contributing towards a mortgage that you are not named on and have no financial stake in. If it doesn’t work out, you’ve paid towards an asset that you can’t benefit from.

You don’t like the house for a number of valid reasons. You have no security in it and there’s no point waiting for the market to recover, because it’s not likely to any time soon.

I’d stay where you are and try to save for your own deposit, or continue to rent if you choose.

Haydenn · 30/04/2024 10:06

Quite frankly if kids are what you really want I’d cut my losses with this one and move on. He wants you to contribute to the mortgage on a property that you have no stake in, but his ex is accruing equity in? Is he out of his tiny mind?

Coupled with that he’s bulked at getting engaged- when on his terms you would like together for 6 months and then get married- he’s now shown marriage in not imminent.

Im normally all for people paying their own way and a contribution when they move into a partners house. But this is batshit. If you don’t plan on walking, I would say to him (bearing in mind the situation with the ex equity) that you will pay £700 a month or whatever as your contribution to rent into a savings account that you can use when the place sells so you are building a future. IF he is genuinely thinking about a long term future with you this should be no skin off his nose. His reaction will tell you what you need to know. (Obviously pay your share of bills etc)

YaWeeFurryBastard · 30/04/2024 10:07

I understand his moving in together request before marriage is to see how it goes test things out but isn't what engagement is for?

No! Engagement is a promise/intention to marry, not a test to see if you’re compatible. I think it’s very reasonable to not want to get engaged until you’ve lived together.

I’m going to reframe this slightly and suggest YOU should want to check this guy out, that he’s not a pain to live with and that YOU like living with him and it benefits you before you commit to him. You need to check he’s up to your standards not just get engaged/married for the sake of commitment.

Nothing wrong with letting him know that if living together goes well you’d like to be engaged within a year or you’ll take that as a sign he’s not committed and be off. You have to mean it though and be willing to follow through.

Oh and you absolutely shouldn’t be paying half the mortgage! Get that sorted ASAP, you need to be saving your usual rent as a backup fund to compensate for your lack of security by moving in with him.

Newnamesameoldlurker · 30/04/2024 10:07

I don't like the way he told you that he refused the ring. Its like he's holding engagement/marriage over you or something. I agree with pp, I wouldn't even move in with him at this stage, it's too much compromise on your side and will incur resentment. If he's allowed to have his boundaries then you are too!

BuyOrBake · 30/04/2024 10:08

Take a step back and read your OP as if someone else had written it.
It's all about what "he" wants!!!

Do not pay a penny towards his mortgage and have a long hard think about what a future with this man could look like.

GoBonobo · 30/04/2024 10:10

Could he rent out the house to cover the mortgage payments and you guys look to rent somewhere? Or, if you move in temporarily (and put a timeline on it) say you will contribute to bills and put the mortgage-equivalent aside for a deposit to buy a place together?
Sounds like a lot of compromises on your part otherwise.

Ragruggers · 30/04/2024 10:15

The house he shares with the ex needs to be sold before you commit to him in any way.Either they reduce the price and move on he is not in a position to commit to anything now.Why would you pay his ex’s half of the mortgage ? Madness.Can you stay in your rental for the next 6 months? Donot move to a house you dislike lose money and if your relationship finishes you are homeless having paid into a house you have no claim to.Please think very carefully.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 30/04/2024 10:15

Haydenn · 30/04/2024 10:06

Coupled with that he’s bulked at getting engaged- when on his terms you would like together for 6 months and then get married- he’s now shown marriage in not imminent.

This is s good idea. Share of bills yes, paying some of mortgage no way. He'll be benefiting from lower bills and if you're saving towards a deposit he should be happy with. After all any increase in equity will be split with his ex. Whereas if he turns out to be truely committed to being with you long term you'll be able to contribute that savings towards your share of the deposit. Plus if things don't work you've got a safety net. Paying towards the mortgage or paying more than 50% of bills would be deal breakers for me.

BrightYellowDaffodil · 30/04/2024 10:16

It all seems to be what he wants, doesn't it? And what he thinks you should want, rather than actually listening to/respecting what you do want.

I'd be rethinking the whole thing TBH.

meganorks · 30/04/2024 10:21

You absolutely should not move in! For all the reasons you say.

But I do think you are unreasonable to want him to propose before you've lived together. Being engaged isn't for deciding if you actually want to get married. It's just the bit between deciding you definitely want to be married and the actual wedding. What you are suggesting is entirely pointless - you are saying I insist on being engaged but it holds no meaning, we might not get married.

SeaToSki · 30/04/2024 10:24

My take on this is that

if he is committed to you, he should show it by pulling his finger out on selling the house. He gets it sold within 6 months, or you are off. Properties can always be sold, its just a matter of pricing it right. The fact that the ex isnt contributing and he hasnt solved that or sold it yet is a big red flag for him being someone who is actually able to get things done in life.

if he was centering you, he would never have asked you to move in and contribute towards the mortgage, that was a very selfish suggestion…red flag

if he was serious about you and having children with you (and he felt similarly about your potential short time line) he would be moving decisively towards getting the two of you set up in a place that could work as a family home as a married couple…so it sounds like he isnt serious about that

the only sensible thing you have written about him is that he wants a 6 month living together trial before marriage, but I do think being engaged is neither here nor there for the trial. You could easily be engaged while this happens, or not.

So are the two of you able to have the hard conversation around this and come to a mutual compromise about it? Being able to have these conversations on hard topics in a productive and balanced way is key to a good marriage, especially one you are going to bring children into very quickly

If he is all, just move to this place that doesnt work for you and pay money into a situation that actively disadvantages you and I will dangle the promise of marriage and children eventually in front of you to tempt you into agreeing..and Im not going to make any substantial compromises myself..then I would be a hard no.

HellonHeels · 30/04/2024 10:24

Butchyrestingface · 30/04/2024 09:52

He told me to move in when my current lease is up in September. Instead of paying rent for my current flat, I will contribute towards his mortgage.

The mortgage he has with his ex? The one she's not contributing towards but he will still have to split the proceeds of any sale with (and not you)? Er, no.

Are you SURE this guy is the one for you?

This!

Plus, why move somewhere you dont like, in the middle of nowhere? What will your commute be like?

I dont think he's "the one"

Azerothi · 30/04/2024 10:29

Are you sure your boyfriend wants children and marriage, I mean really sure? If you're 39 then him insisting on waiting until goodness knows when isn't looking like he is any rush to marry you or have children. Logically your boyfriend could string you along for the next 2 or 3 years. He also wants you to move somewhere he knows you will be unhappy. If you want children I would think about this relationship very carefully.

Ohnobackagain · 30/04/2024 10:46

@Lalallama1 why can’t he move in with you for the trial period and rent out his place? He get a bit of money you can both use towards another place if things work out and if it doesn't neither of you is worse off. And you don’t lose your rental if it goes wrong (which I have to say I think it will, sorry). He sounds awful but you need to set your own boundaries/rules.

ChristmasFluff · 30/04/2024 11:10

You've had 18 months of seeing he is unwilling to compromise on anything.

That's no basis for a relationship, let alone a marriage. I'd personally choose the highway over his way.

Huldrafolk · 30/04/2024 11:19

ChristmasFluff · 30/04/2024 11:10

You've had 18 months of seeing he is unwilling to compromise on anything.

That's no basis for a relationship, let alone a marriage. I'd personally choose the highway over his way.

Yes.

Or, if you really think there’s a possible future, tell him you’ll consider moving in with him once he’s sold his house and sorted himself out, but you’ll cohabit in a place of both your choosing.

Original poster

Lalallama1 · 30/04/2024 11:21

I work 100% remote, so I don't have to worry about my commute thankfully. But it will still be very isolating.

Someone asked above, I'm early 30s and he's mid-30s. I still don't want to have kids at an advanced maternal age.

He doesn't want to rent the house out in case the tenants trash it. He's really keen to just sell it and move on but isn't willing to lose money.

The more I think about the more I realise, my frustration comes from everything always being his way. Getting engaged, reasonable or not, is something - only thing - I wanted and he isn't willing to budge all the while expecting me to make serious sacrifices.

I might have a bigger issue here than the engagement quite frankly.

OP posts:

romany4 · 30/04/2024 11:27

ChristmasFluff · 30/04/2024 11:10

You've had 18 months of seeing he is unwilling to compromise on anything.

That's no basis for a relationship, let alone a marriage. I'd personally choose the highway over his way.

^^^
This!!

Do not move in with this man

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