Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to get engaged before moving in together?

78 replies

Lalallama1 · 30/04/2024 09:47

We're in our 30s, together for 18 months. We both want to get married and have kids.

He told me that he has a boundary that we have to live together for at least 6 months before we get married. I understand and respect that.

He currently lives in the middle of nowhere in a house he bought with his ex. Ex moved out more than 2 years ago and hasn't paid a dime towards their mortgage since. They're trying to sell it but unless he goes well under the original purchase price he is unable to sell. We've been waiting for the market to recover.

He told me to move in when my current lease is up in September. Instead of paying rent for my current flat, I will contribute towards his mortgage. I don't want to move in at all. That house frustrates me emotionally (due to its history with the ex) and logistically (horrible location). I still agreed because I want to be able to get on with our lives, especially as we don't know when it will actually sell.

We told the news to his parents over the weekend and apparently his mother wanted to give him the family heirloom ring so he could propose to me just before we move in.

He refused there and then and told me about this afterwards. I understand his moving in together request before marriage is to see how it goes test things out but isn't what engagement is for? I want to know we're taking the right step towards a shared vision/future. Also, I won't own any part of that house. I just need to know I'm more than a lodger!

Normally I would never move there. It's just that I have a family history or early menopause and PCOS and would like to have kids before the 'advanced maternal age'. I would like to have them within a marriage also.

I could be buying my own property, instead of paying towards their equity. Sure, at the minute I'm paying towards my current landlord's mortgage, but at least I have the security of being given 2 months to move out should things go sour. I will lose that. Meanwhile he isn't willing to get engaged, which doesn't have much if any repercussions other than it will be symbolically meaningful for me.

Now I feel like a mug always being the one comprimising in this relationship. Is to want to get engaged unreasonable?

OP posts:
123anotherday · 30/04/2024 13:54

@Lalallama1 how about making him a counter offer? Move in but the money you are saving in rent you will put into a separate savings account for when you buy a home together? That you will move in as long as you are engaged within x mths and if not that you will move back out? It really depends on whether you wish to give up your current tenancy …if you don’t then stay put until his house is sold. At least he is putting his thinking clearly to you, i did this to my future dh and it’s really important for you both to be clear over what are your red lines and what are your compromises.

Anametolove · 30/04/2024 13:55

What everyone is saying. I'm sorry you find yourself in this frustrating situation.
It shouldn't be that difficult at this stage, he could be realistic AND romantic. The perspective of sharing your life with someone you love, moving in together, discussing having kids and getting married is an exciting and joyful step. He takes all the shine out of it in wanting to move you in the house he shared with his ex, and saying he didn't want to take the heirloom ring of his mum (what need did he have to say that to you?) - his wish of moving in before getting engaged, I understand, it's sensible.

You have time, assert your boundaries. You said in your original post you don't want to move in, so don't.

Good luck and don't stress out, everything will work out for you!

TodaysNameIsBoring · 30/04/2024 14:04

I'm surprised at all the responses. I think 18 months is way too quick to get engaged. I don't think he is at all unreasonable to want to live together first. He's already had a serious failed relationship,and it's not surprising he wants to be careful. Are you hoping to get pregnant straight away? What does he think?

If your priority is to get pregnant then you might be better off doing it alone.

penjil · 30/04/2024 14:13

I wouldn't be having children with this man!

I wouldn't be moving in.

I'd be moving on......

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/04/2024 14:23

All you want is an emotional commitment, with no legal basis, and he doesn't even have to pay for the ring.

You have to move, pay a mortgage you aren't on, and wait like a twat.

IME good boundaries lead to either men respecting you, which is good, or leaving, if they are arseholes. Waiting around compromising makes them stay a little longer but it weeds in the arseholes. Get some boundaries.

Ihadenough22 · 30/04/2024 14:57

I think that this man bought a house with his ex friend in a romote area and for what ever reasons they broke up. You and him have been a couple for 18 months and he knows that you want to get married and have a family. He wants you to live together before getting engaged and being honest that's not a bad idea.

The only problem is that he wants you to move into his house and pay half the mortgage when he waits for how long till the housing market improves.
Why should you contribute towards his mortgage that benefits him and his ex girlfriend?
He has had long enough to sort the house out and put it on the market. Some times you need to walk away from a house and accept that you may lose some money on it.
The reality is that it's going to be far harder for you and him to buy a house when he is paying the full mortgage on this one.

I would tell him he either sells or rents this house out as you have decided that your not moving in their with him or paying half of him and his ex girlfriends mortgage. Tell him you happy living where you are. Could he move into your rental place and be put on the lease when it renewed later this year? Or could you find a place to live together to move into once your current lease is up?

Unless he is willing to change things with the house I would be considering if you have a future. If your in a long term relationship you have to work together towards your goals and it not always doing what the other person suits or want.

Ihadenough22 · 30/04/2024 14:57

I think that this man bought a house with his ex friend in a romote area and for what ever reasons they broke up. You and him have been a couple for 18 months and he knows that you want to get married and have a family. He wants you to live together before getting engaged and being honest that's not a bad idea.

The only problem is that he wants you to move into his house and pay half the mortgage when he waits for how long till the housing market improves.
Why should you contribute towards his mortgage that benefits him and his ex girlfriend?
He has had long enough to sort the house out and put it on the market. Some times you need to walk away from a house and accept that you may lose some money on it.
The reality is that it's going to be far harder for you and him to buy a house when he is paying the full mortgage on this one.

I would tell him he either sells or rents this house out as you have decided that your not moving in their with him or paying half of him and his ex girlfriends mortgage. Tell him you happy living where you are. Could he move into your rental place and be put on the lease when it renewed later this year? Or could you find a place to live together to move into once your current lease is up?

Unless he is willing to change things with the house I would be considering if you have a future. If your in a long term relationship you have to work together towards your goals and it not always doing what the other person suits or want.

Floralnomad · 30/04/2024 15:01

No way would I be moving into this house with him , engaged or not .

newyearnewknees · 30/04/2024 15:16

I would absolutely not move into his house. It sounds like he makes no compromises, and I would reconsider wanting to be married to someone like that.

toomuchfaff · 30/04/2024 16:40

Don't pay a single penny toward that house.

Keep separate finances until his finances are his own.

Don't move into that house, suggest he rents it out. If he doesn't like that then stay separate houses til it's sold.

I'd set a boundary that I'm not moving into or having anything to do with the tangled Web of finances he shares with his ex, his problem to sort. Set your own boundaries and stick to them.

Don't settle for shit because your biological clock is ticking. Be smart, or else your next posts will be about how you're paying for his ex's house and he's still blah blah blah... 😑

BiIIIie · 30/04/2024 16:43

18 months isn't a long time. Engagements aren't to test if you are compatible.

JadeSheep · 30/04/2024 16:49

Haydenn · 30/04/2024 10:06

Quite frankly if kids are what you really want I’d cut my losses with this one and move on. He wants you to contribute to the mortgage on a property that you have no stake in, but his ex is accruing equity in? Is he out of his tiny mind?

Coupled with that he’s bulked at getting engaged- when on his terms you would like together for 6 months and then get married- he’s now shown marriage in not imminent.

Im normally all for people paying their own way and a contribution when they move into a partners house. But this is batshit. If you don’t plan on walking, I would say to him (bearing in mind the situation with the ex equity) that you will pay £700 a month or whatever as your contribution to rent into a savings account that you can use when the place sells so you are building a future. IF he is genuinely thinking about a long term future with you this should be no skin off his nose. His reaction will tell you what you need to know. (Obviously pay your share of bills etc)

Oh I like this!!

Peonies12 · 30/04/2024 16:52

"at an advanced maternal age." - I have never heard this phrase before. Wanting to have kids before some random age you have in your head is a terrible idea when there are so many red flags in your relationship. Please don't' subject a child to that.

Shinyandnew1 · 30/04/2024 17:00

He told me to move in when my current lease is up in September. Instead of paying rent for my current flat, I will contribute towards his mortgage. I don't want to move in at all.

Wow-isn’t he just a prince amongst men!?

He ‘told’ you to move into his property (that he and has ex own and will benefit from the equity on), so you can pay his mortgage! You’d be a fool to do this. You really are missing the point here by focusing on an engagement ring!

candycane222 · 30/04/2024 17:04

Haydenn · 30/04/2024 10:06

Quite frankly if kids are what you really want I’d cut my losses with this one and move on. He wants you to contribute to the mortgage on a property that you have no stake in, but his ex is accruing equity in? Is he out of his tiny mind?

Coupled with that he’s bulked at getting engaged- when on his terms you would like together for 6 months and then get married- he’s now shown marriage in not imminent.

Im normally all for people paying their own way and a contribution when they move into a partners house. But this is batshit. If you don’t plan on walking, I would say to him (bearing in mind the situation with the ex equity) that you will pay £700 a month or whatever as your contribution to rent into a savings account that you can use when the place sells so you are building a future. IF he is genuinely thinking about a long term future with you this should be no skin off his nose. His reaction will tell you what you need to know. (Obviously pay your share of bills etc)

Was going to suggest exactly this. If he wants to live with you, and is committed to your relationship,then he should absolutely support you saving for a deposit on your future joint home. Hes managed the mortgage so far after all...

Alternatively (and I realise this might not work with the property on the market and/or the size etc of your flat ) can he rent the house out for say 6 months and move in with you?

VioletMoonGirl · 30/04/2024 18:04

Assuming he had a deposit on his place and has been paying his mortgage it’s unlikely he’s in negative equity. Coupled with the fact that the whole market has declined, so the next place will also be cheaper than when he bought I don’t understand the argument for why he can’t sell. Would he be willing for you to buy his ex out? Not saying this is a good idea AT ALL, but I’d be interested to see his reaction to the thought of that level of commitment with you.

Rookangaroo4 · 30/04/2024 18:13

Buy your own place. Tell him to rent his out and pay towards your mortgage and see how that pans out! I think 18 months is still early to be thinking of marriage

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 30/04/2024 18:29

Is he actually divorced, OP? Or is the co owner of this house just an ex - partner but with no legal agreement except the shared mortgage?

It all seems very messy. I would make sure he has cut all ties with his previous partner by either buying her out of the house, or insisting on selling it. Then you can buy a house you both like, with a proper Legal and financial agreement between you ( if you really want to…..).

Changingplace · 30/04/2024 18:40

VioletMoonGirl · 30/04/2024 18:04

Assuming he had a deposit on his place and has been paying his mortgage it’s unlikely he’s in negative equity. Coupled with the fact that the whole market has declined, so the next place will also be cheaper than when he bought I don’t understand the argument for why he can’t sell. Would he be willing for you to buy his ex out? Not saying this is a good idea AT ALL, but I’d be interested to see his reaction to the thought of that level of commitment with you.

Exactly, house prices haven’t slumped that much, I’ve heard no talk of negative equity being a common issue right now.

How long ago was the house bought? It doesn’t really make sense to be waiting for the market to improve, surely there was at least a minimum 10% deposit plus the payments being made?

DelphiniumBlue · 30/04/2024 18:51

He thinks he can call all the shots. Why would you want to give up your tenancy to move somewhere you don't like and won't feel comfortable in just to save him from having to rent his house out or sell? He isn't taking your feelings into account at all here.

TodaysNameIsBoring · 30/04/2024 19:35

The guys ex only moved out two years ago so it not surprising that he wants to wait. If she moves in with him then isn't it as cheeky of her not to offer any payment than it is for him to expect her to contribute towards the mortgage. I don't get how her ending up better off by moving on is ok but him ending up better off isn't. Surely there is a middle ground. She will save loads of money if she moves in with him.

If money is already such an issue the OP and the boyfriend should have a really good think about how they intend to organise their finances once the OP moves in and once the OP has a baby as it sounds like that might happen quickly. It's so much better to do before moving in together,while everyone still has options.

Jk987 · 30/04/2024 19:50

I think you should live together before deciding if you want to marry. If you're still madly in love after a period of time under the same roof you know it's the right thing.

Instead of contributing to the mortgage just split the household bills and put the excess money in a savings account. If things work out that could be money towards a deposit further down the line.

BoudiccaOfSuburbia · 30/04/2024 20:49

The house is still co-owned by her. Mortgage payments or not she presumably has the right to enter the house at will. Even move back in if she felt like it!

Wouldn’t suit me!

Have you discussed where you would ideally buy and live? How the finances would work?

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 30/04/2024 21:07

How would it work if he still lived in the house, you got married and it dragged on indefinitely? You'd have a claim on his share/assets too? I can't think of anything messier.

If you liked the house and wanted to live in it together you could buy out his ex but I'm wary after seeing a number of threads from the OP that she could become another Ex tied to him and this house that he "can't sell"

caringcarer · 30/04/2024 21:38

I think he comes waving red flags. He has an ex partner he still owns a home with. He wants you to move in to help pay his mortgage with his ex. You'll be giving up your security and he doesn't want to get engaged. I'd tell him you'll move in with him once he's sold the house with the ex and you can buy a house together. He needs to drop the price and sell it on to enable him and his ex to move on with their lives. Don't have a baby until he marries you. If you give him everything he wants move in and help him pay his and ex mortgage, have a baby with him what motivation will he have to ever marry you? Sounds like his Mum likes you.