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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to get engaged before moving in together?

78 replies

Lalallama1 · 30/04/2024 09:47

We're in our 30s, together for 18 months. We both want to get married and have kids.

He told me that he has a boundary that we have to live together for at least 6 months before we get married. I understand and respect that.

He currently lives in the middle of nowhere in a house he bought with his ex. Ex moved out more than 2 years ago and hasn't paid a dime towards their mortgage since. They're trying to sell it but unless he goes well under the original purchase price he is unable to sell. We've been waiting for the market to recover.

He told me to move in when my current lease is up in September. Instead of paying rent for my current flat, I will contribute towards his mortgage. I don't want to move in at all. That house frustrates me emotionally (due to its history with the ex) and logistically (horrible location). I still agreed because I want to be able to get on with our lives, especially as we don't know when it will actually sell.

We told the news to his parents over the weekend and apparently his mother wanted to give him the family heirloom ring so he could propose to me just before we move in.

He refused there and then and told me about this afterwards. I understand his moving in together request before marriage is to see how it goes test things out but isn't what engagement is for? I want to know we're taking the right step towards a shared vision/future. Also, I won't own any part of that house. I just need to know I'm more than a lodger!

Normally I would never move there. It's just that I have a family history or early menopause and PCOS and would like to have kids before the 'advanced maternal age'. I would like to have them within a marriage also.

I could be buying my own property, instead of paying towards their equity. Sure, at the minute I'm paying towards my current landlord's mortgage, but at least I have the security of being given 2 months to move out should things go sour. I will lose that. Meanwhile he isn't willing to get engaged, which doesn't have much if any repercussions other than it will be symbolically meaningful for me.

Now I feel like a mug always being the one comprimising in this relationship. Is to want to get engaged unreasonable?

OP posts:

Huldrafolk · 30/04/2024 11:32

Lalallama1 · 30/04/2024 11:21

I work 100% remote, so I don't have to worry about my commute thankfully. But it will still be very isolating.

Someone asked above, I'm early 30s and he's mid-30s. I still don't want to have kids at an advanced maternal age.

He doesn't want to rent the house out in case the tenants trash it. He's really keen to just sell it and move on but isn't willing to lose money.

The more I think about the more I realise, my frustration comes from everything always being his way. Getting engaged, reasonable or not, is something - only thing - I wanted and he isn't willing to budge all the while expecting me to make serious sacrifices.

I might have a bigger issue here than the engagement quite frankly.

I think that’s an important realisation, and I also think that you shouldn’t let your desire for children in the near future hogtie you to a man who won’t put himself out for you, and expects you to service his mortgage with his ex.

TwoBlueFish · 30/04/2024 11:34

Don’t pay towards his mortgage, split the utility and food bills yes but no rent. This isn’t a long term property and it’s half owned by his ex so why pay towards it. If his real intention is that you marry reasonably soon then you can put the money you’re saving into a wedding or a house account.

I wouldn’t want to move somewhere that is inconvenient either. Really he should either sell the house and take a hit or arrange to rent it out for the next few years and look for somewhere you can rent together.

Stainglasses · 30/04/2024 11:38

No, I wouldn’t move in with him. Don’t!

if you want kids then have a conversation about that and see where it puts you.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 30/04/2024 11:39

Do not move into their property !

When it is sold, then you can move into somewhere that you both choose and agree upon and can both pay towards.

That's if you are still together by the time the house sells...

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 30/04/2024 11:43

Nothing is going to "move forward" until he has actually sold the house and sorted out the finance with his ex. You moving in is actually a backward step because it means he doesn't have to get the house sale done.

As you say, he seems to expect everyone - you, and even the property market - to dance to his tune. He wants to get more for his house? Well tough tits, it's worth what it's worth.

"He has a boundary" that says you have to live tiogether? Well, you have a boundary that you aren't moving into the house he lived in with his ex. And another boundary that you aren't going to isolate yourself in the middle of nowhere either. So if he wants to live with you then he needs to sell the house for the best price he can get right now and find somewhere you can both live.

Don't hold yourself hostage to your wish to start a family soon. If you are early 30s you still easily have 5 years to start your family with him or someone else. Be careful that are not just wasting those years on him.

Huldrafolk · 30/04/2024 11:44

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 30/04/2024 11:43

As you say, he seems to expect everyone - you, and even the property market - to dance to his tune. He wants to get more for his house? Well tough tits, it's worth what it's worth.

Good post.

WaltzingWaters · 30/04/2024 11:56

Sounds like you’ve already realised this, but you both need to make sacrifices to work towards your future, all the big sacrifices shouldn’t be just on you.

From his point of view- I’d absolutely want to live with someone before getting engaged so I get that. (Not that engagement necessarily is much of a commitment, it means nothing before the actual marriage.)

From your point of view - I wouldn’t want to be paying towards his and his ex’s mortgage. To a house that proceeds will go to them when it’s sold, and you’ll have no right to even though you’re the one paying towards it when ex isn’t. Sure - you’d be paying rent elsewhere anyway, but it’s the principle in this situation really. He needs to just take the hit financially so you two can move forward together and find somewhere you’d like as a couple, not be a lodger in their old house that you don’t like. You moving in to his old house will just delay his need to sell up and move.

cheeseandketchupsandwich · 30/04/2024 12:00

I* don't want to move in at all.
*
THIS IS ALL THAT MATTERS.

Listen to what your gut is telling you.

Better now than after you're married with kids.

Whatsitcalled38 · 30/04/2024 12:00

Not a chance in hell would I contribute towards his mortgage with ex. Absurd idea. Move in and pay half of bills, absolutely.

I wouldn't agree to marry someone I hadn't lived with either though, just as insane.

Bumbers · 30/04/2024 12:02

I would not have gotten engaged without first living with my now DH. For me that was utterly essential.

cheddercherry · 30/04/2024 12:02

Also it’s not just the sacrifices now, it’s in the future if you’re sacrificing your entire body and all the goes with having a baby with him. If he’s not compromising now and not also taking your thoughts and wellbeing into consideration that’s a massive flag for starting a family with him. Parenthood is full of compromising. Not to mention that if it’s isolating where he is to live as an adult imagine how much more isolated you’ll feel with a baby. It’s just a non starter and I agree that your moving in doesn’t move you forward, it removes any reason for him to actually sell up.

Bumbers · 30/04/2024 12:03

But yes to the other points everyone else has made. Plenty of flags. I just don't think engagement before a proposal is itself unreasonable!!

elevens24 · 30/04/2024 12:05

I wouldn't get engaged until after I'd lived with someone for at least a year.

Deadringer · 30/04/2024 12:11

It seems to be all about what he wants. He doesn't want to sell and lose money, he doesn't want to rent the house out, he doesn't want to get engaged until the house is sorted (it may never be). He wants you to move in even though he knows you dont want to, and he wants you to pay money towards a house that you don't like and don't want to live in. Its time to set your boundaries and tell what you want. You want to get engaged and married in the near future. You do not want to move into his house, now or ever. That's it. If there is no compromise on his part you are probably not compatible.

Changingplace · 30/04/2024 12:12

Lalallama1 · 30/04/2024 11:21

I work 100% remote, so I don't have to worry about my commute thankfully. But it will still be very isolating.

Someone asked above, I'm early 30s and he's mid-30s. I still don't want to have kids at an advanced maternal age.

He doesn't want to rent the house out in case the tenants trash it. He's really keen to just sell it and move on but isn't willing to lose money.

I might have a bigger issue here than the engagement quite frankly.

I think you’re right to consider you have bigger issues here. It’s unfair of him to set his boundaries so rigidly whilst completely disregarding yours.

Plenty of people rent houses out all the time and nobody trashes them!

He needs to give some leeway here, and in reality ‘getting engaged’ doesn’t even really (legally or otherwise) mean anything more than an agreement between two individuals.

Absolutely everything here is on his terms, and that isn’t acceptable.

LoveWine123 · 30/04/2024 12:14

Quite frankly, life is not meant to be that hard at the beginning of your life together. There is a lot of rushing in this relationship - him barely out of his relationship with his ex and into another relationship with you. You rushing to get engaged, rushing to have kids after only 18 months together. It sounds like you are both dancing to a different tune and might have different visions about life in general. Move on, not in.

LoveWine123 · 30/04/2024 12:16

And by the way, you do not get engaged to see if you are compatible. You get engaged to marry and plan your wedding. You do the compatibility test before getting engaged.

whitebreadjamsandwich · 30/04/2024 12:16

OP - I think you sound sensible enough to know that all of this is a 20ft red flag flapping in your face. I wonder if he'll change his tune if you tell him you wont contribute to his mortgage....

Tyiue · 30/04/2024 12:19

If his boundary is for you to move in and live with him for 6 months before he proposes. What is your boundary?

If I were you. My boundary would be to put a ring on it. And then both moving to a property that suits equally.

SometimesIDowonder · 30/04/2024 12:21

It sounds like it's all about what he wants. You're compromising a great deal out of fear. You're hope it you'll get to have kids before 35. I don't see this panning out. Having pcos myself and 2 kids one in my early 30s one in my late 30s you need calm more than anything. I'm more fertile now in my late 30s because I'm calmer.

Do not live a life you don't want. Focus on getting the right situation, sacrificing 6 months now will save you years or trying.

TheShellBeach · 30/04/2024 12:31

Be very sure that your contraception is 100%.

You absolutely don't want to have a baby before you're married. This man sounds like he isn't entirely sure about marriage.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 30/04/2024 12:32

So you move in in September with a wedding scheduled for end March is that what he's suggesting? Didn't think so.

Doesn't sound like he expects to have sold or bought his ex out by September with peak buy and sell season in the meantime?

It would be a hard no from me. You don't want to live there whether you pay rent, bills or not. And you are seeing that it seems to be life on his terms only. All of which is a red flag from me.

Resilience · 30/04/2024 12:33

He's not in a position to embark on a fully committed relationship involving finances. While the house is jointly owned he is not free to commit to you. He needs to either buy her out of the equity she's entitled to so it's solely in his name or wait to live with you until the house is sold. That could take years.

An alternative would be he takes out a loan to pay off her equity and you then come on to the mortgage so two salaries are involved but if you hate the house I wouldn't be doing that and certainly not without proper legal and financial advice.

In his shoes I would not want to risk signing over a share of a house to a newish girlfriend I'd not yet lived with so I understand his reluctance but he can't have his cake and eat it. Both DH and I lost money when we sold our respective houses to buy one together. We made the decision that it was vital to the health of the relationship to get somewhere new for both of us so it felt we had equal proprietorship. If he really values your relationship and losing some money won't cast him into a spiral of debt that could ruin him, he could price to sell and speed things up. Or, even simpler, take the risk of a tenant. Lots of other people manage it.

gettingbackonit23 · 30/04/2024 13:37

my guess is you will move in, pay half his mortgage, the market will be really shit or some other dumb reason why you can’t sell right now. You will still be living there three years down the line and no further forward. Tell him to rent it out, buy a house in your name and tell him he can live there and pay YOU rent. Or get rid altogether.

Codlingmoths · 30/04/2024 13:42

You do have a bigger issue than the engagement. He wants you to pay towards his ex’s settlement amount, and isn’t offering you anything you want. I wouldn’t move in. ‘I don’t see the market moving, I won’t live in you and your ex’s house and I won’t pay towards her financial settlement, that’s not my responsibility. If you were serious about us you’d bite the bullet and sell it or rent it.’

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