To want to get engaged before moving in together?

[Lalallama1]

We're in our 30s, together for 18 months. We both want to get married and have kids.

He told me that he has a boundary that we have to live together for at least 6 months before we get married. I understand and respect that.

He currently lives in the middle of nowhere in a house he bought with his ex. Ex moved out more than 2 years ago and hasn't paid a dime towards their mortgage since. They're trying to sell it but unless he goes well under the original purchase price he is unable to sell. We've been waiting for the market to recover.

He told me to move in when my current lease is up in September. Instead of paying rent for my current flat, I will contribute towards his mortgage. I don't want to move in at all. That house frustrates me emotionally (due to its history with the ex) and logistically (horrible location). I still agreed because I want to be able to get on with our lives, especially as we don't know when it will actually sell.

We told the news to his parents over the weekend and apparently his mother wanted to give him the family heirloom ring so he could propose to me just before we move in.

He refused there and then and told me about this afterwards. I understand his moving in together request before marriage is to see how it goes test things out but isn't what engagement is for? I want to know we're taking the right step towards a shared vision/future. Also, I won't own any part of that house. I just need to know I'm more than a lodger!

Normally I would never move there. It's just that I have a family history or early menopause and PCOS and would like to have kids before the 'advanced maternal age'. I would like to have them within a marriage also.

I could be buying my own property, instead of paying towards their equity. Sure, at the minute I'm paying towards my current landlord's mortgage, but at least I have the security of being given 2 months to move out should things go sour. I will lose that. Meanwhile he isn't willing to get engaged, which doesn't have much if any repercussions other than it will be symbolically meaningful for me.

Now I feel like a mug always being the one comprimising in this relationship. Is to want to get engaged unreasonable?

' He told me that he has a boundary that we have to live together for at least 6 months before we get married. I understand and respect that. '

so he wants to ' try before he buys '

and you want the commitment of an engagement
' Meanwhile he isn't willing to get engaged, which doesn't have much if any repercussions other than it will be symbolically meaningful for me.'

and his mother even offered him a family ring !!!

so there are 2 major issues here, an engagement - which is a form of commitment ( but not actually costing him a fucking penny as there has been the offer of a free ring !!! ) and him wanting to try before he buys ( my words )

would it be so awful to him to propose to you ?

and then you have the ' his ' house issue.

do not move into that property !

he only wants you to help pay his bills.

once the house is sold, and the x has her share

then you can find somewhere together that suits both of you.

tho I think/feel you will have split up by then.

btw was he married to his x ?

Over 40% of marriages end in divorce. I think 'trying before you buy' is a good idea.

Also, either the engagement is meaningful or it not. If he considers it meaningful then it's not surprising that he wants to wait a little while especially after his recent failed relationship. If it's not meaningful then why does the OP care?

Could you move in and transfer some bills to your name for gas and electricity and say you'll do the food shopping, but pay nothing towards the mortgage? And keep your bank accounts separate. I'd be ok with paying bills if I was living there but wouldn't pay a penny towards the mortgage with the ex.

I don't understand why he told you that his mum offered him the ring and he said no. There was just no need to tell you about that conversation.