DH’s (in)ability to look after newborn

[BurntThePastaAgain]

Posting here vs parenting as want a range of views and happy to be told IABU in my postpartum haze.

We have x3 DDs, DH works, I am on ML. Youngest is 11 weeks old. DH is fantastic with the older two, and was when they were babies, but I am essentially a single mother with our youngest. He will do stuff but only if I ask. I EBF so all the feeds are on me. It’s exhausting and a bit depressing.

Before anyone suggests “he’s not psychic” and that I should ask/explain, I have asked and explained several times how I feel but nothing has changed. He seems completely unable to think “oh I’ll change her nappy”. I’m a data weirdo and have an app that he has access to on his phone which has every nappy change, feed and sleep, so he has all the info there.

For example, this evening he sorted laundry outside the bedroom (helpful, I know, but it’s his laundry too) whilst listening to me rock and shush the baby for 30 mins as she cried and cried. I’ve been rocking/shushing/feeding/changing her all day whilst doing the food shop, and looking after/feeding/wiping x2 toddlers. I cannot imagine a reverse where I’d feel comfortable letting him struggle for 30 mins whilst I did something else. Sorting laundry in peace feels luxurious at this point 😂

AIBU to be frustrated by him?

I’m curious, did you have the app with the others?

Yes

If you wanted him to take over with the baby, did you ask him to? Or did you ask and he said no?

If you wanted him to take over, why not ask? He really isn’t a mind reader, he was doing a task that needed doing. Some initiative would be nice but so would you communicating what you need

What did you want him to do again?

It would be nice if he came into the bedroom and said "will I have a go at sorting her" but he isn't doing that. So you have to get up, hand him the baby and say "can you sort her, I've had it for now" and if he replies "I'm doing the laundry" tell him you have seriously had it and he needs to mind his child.

It is a pain but just hand him baby and say "she needs her nappy changed" or "can you sooth her"

The crying is just one example of many/any baby-related activities. I genuinely don’t understand why if we both have access to the same visual/auditory information, he isn’t at work, why he doesn’t have to think about her and looking after her?

It’d be so nice to have a bit of the mental load removed, being able to switch off and go for a walk or something knowing that the baby will be changed or put down without explicit instructions? He’s said he hasn’t bonded with her very much so maybe that’s why?

Do you mean if you went out for a walk and she pooed, he'd wait for you to get home and change her rather than do it himself?

I have three children as well and to be honest it's normal for the mother to become main parent for the exclusively breastfed baby while home on maternity leave - practically it's not going to work any other way.
I was always fine to take on the main baby duty so long as my husband stepped up elsewhere with housework and older children.

In the situations you've mentioned - I wouldn't want my husband to step in while I was trying to settle the baby. If I needed a break or for him to take over though I'd tell him and he'd do it.

If I needed to go out without the baby I would of course tell him what the feed/nap situation was, but I'd expect him to soothe or change the baby if needed. It's a big problem if your husband wouldn't do that in your absence.

The app sounds a bit nuts…. Just why? Babies are easier with one main carer in the early days. If he is helping with the other two and doing laundry etc and working full time and you are on Mat leave then yeah I would say the baby your main job right now. You are in the trenches. It will pass.

Ok, thanks @WittyFatball , I’m probably being unfair and a bit babied-out after 11 long weeks. It was definitely easier and more of a job share with the older two, but back then we only had one other or no other babies!

I sometimes listen to friends struggling with x1 or x2 who’ve got time to get massages and have naps and have a small internal cry 😂😂 having a poo alone these days is a privilege!

Give the baby a bottle of formula in the evenings and make that your DH's job - that will free up some of your time.

My DH would always offer to “tap me out” if my babies were really unsettled and had been for a while, but when they they were tiny, the majority of the time, they only wanted me anyway and I was their food source. DH wouldn’t have been able to tell me when the last time DD had had their nappy done, or when they were last fed unless I’d gone out and then he handed it all…DH spent time more time with our eldest and the lions share of the cleaning and it was perfect arrangement for us.

If it’s possible OP, could you have a little time away? Take yourself for a undisturbed coffee? Little pampering session? Sometimes you just need a reset.

Can you add to app how much dm time baby has against how much df time. Maybe seeing it in front of him will say exactly how little has the baby.

I think just ask in the moment and expect him to step up. He will only bond if he does stuff. Maybe swap jobs like do the laundry while he does he baby. Sounds like he's got in a habit of letting you sort baby. That can be changed if you persistently hand her over and go and do something else.

It's hard but things get easier from here, as you know having done it before. In 6 months you'll be having massages too. Although 3 kids was always going to be hard work compared to 1! It'll be worth it in the long run.

Does baby take a bottle? If so, I’d go out for a few hours and leave him to it.

Sounds like you are in the thick of it and not communicating very well (which ime is totally normal as you're frazzled).

You could develop a "tag" system. Literally say tag to him when you've had enough, hand over the baby and walk away.

Also build in some time by yourself every day. I used to go for a walk/sit in the car with a cuppa and magazine if it was raining for 30mins when DH got in from work. It worked a treat for my MH.

Thanks everyone, I love the car and a cuppa time out idea and tagging in/out. I’ll try that tomorrow.

Sadly she just gags and screams more if I put a bottle near her—I tried x3 brands of teat and thought sod this, just shove a boob in instead 😂.

Just need to remember to take a breath, and remember it’ll all pass and I’ll miss the newborn cuddles. This is our last one so really trying to be really happy and love every moment but it’s so hard when you’re so tired and toddlers are so loud/busy/messy/chaotic!!

3 is a bit of a game changer it’s usual for Mum to focus on baby and Dad to have the other two.

Drop the app though who needs more stress

Stop wasting your life logging stuff on an app, what a pointless thing to do.

Start asking him to tap in with baby, and you sort the other two.

Have you got any toddler free time?

😂😂 I know it might sound odd, but the app isn’t onerous and just takes a second to tap a nappy or feed or sleep. I don’t overthink it, it just helps me see instantly how long it’s been since the last feed/sleep/change so it just helps me remember what to do next/which one is likely to be causing the howling. Also handy for documenting temperatures/vaccines/meds etc when the HV asked how many wet/dirty nappies there’s no way I’d be able to have told her as there was no night/day in the early weeks 😂!

(I enjoy trends and data patterns too #nerdynerd)

Yes, I do admittedly have x3 mornings when they’re at nursery, which is nice. They’ve been home sick today so probs exacerbating the dynamic with DH.

Update: finally got the baby to sleep, had a baked potato (with pesto, left over roast chicken, sour cream, cheddar and rocket if any of you want to take note: KING of the potato toppings), and had a good chat with DH. I’ve asked for a bit more initiative and said sorry for being a grumpy cow. Thank you Mumsnetters for helping a very frazzled mum tonight!

Right, but it’s most definitely a “niche” way of parenting. If you don’t know how many wet or dirty nappies your baby has had, tell the health visitor that. It literally doesn’t matter.

You are saying he has the info there, and that you like logging it/having data. Does he? Because if my partner tried to micro manage parenting like this, I’d leave him to it.

The app is weird! That's probably putting him off. It sounds like you don't use any intuition with your child at all... bizarre!

I think if you want him to have her you just say 'she's just had a feed so you look after her for the next hour please' and you go have a bath or whatever. He probably won't use the app and will find his own way to do things, which is probably for the best as he's an equal parent and needs to find his own ways to deal with her.