DH’s (in)ability to look after newborn

[BurntThePastaAgain]

Posting here vs parenting as want a range of views and happy to be told IABU in my postpartum haze.

We have x3 DDs, DH works, I am on ML. Youngest is 11 weeks old. DH is fantastic with the older two, and was when they were babies, but I am essentially a single mother with our youngest. He will do stuff but only if I ask. I EBF so all the feeds are on me. It’s exhausting and a bit depressing.

Before anyone suggests “he’s not psychic” and that I should ask/explain, I have asked and explained several times how I feel but nothing has changed. He seems completely unable to think “oh I’ll change her nappy”. I’m a data weirdo and have an app that he has access to on his phone which has every nappy change, feed and sleep, so he has all the info there.

For example, this evening he sorted laundry outside the bedroom (helpful, I know, but it’s his laundry too) whilst listening to me rock and shush the baby for 30 mins as she cried and cried. I’ve been rocking/shushing/feeding/changing her all day whilst doing the food shop, and looking after/feeding/wiping x2 toddlers. I cannot imagine a reverse where I’d feel comfortable letting him struggle for 30 mins whilst I did something else. Sorting laundry in peace feels luxurious at this point 😂

AIBU to be frustrated by him?

Glad you had a grown up chat with your DH. Sounds like you're both doing really well, yo be honest. I've only got the one and I recall telling my DH around this point, I had one baby and couldn't cope with him behaving like a second! And then felt terrible, because he'd been doing so much babycare and housework on top of his full time job.

I think you'd have to be a bit abnormal to get to 3 months in with a new baby and not have some marital tiffs. Hang in there. Neither you nor your partner are being unreasonable.

When were you parenting babes as literally every single friend with a baby in the last 4 yrs uses Huckleberry or Baby Tracker. Def not niche in our social group but might have been something that’s taken off only in the last 5 yrs or so? I obviously look and respond to my baby intuitively don’t worry 😂!

Thanks @Mistralli , kind words 💕

This is very much a your friend group thing. I’ve got a toddler. Most of my friends also have toddlers. One had an app for the very early days, everyone else just goes with the flow.

The one with the app is the most anxious of all, anecdotally.

Had a newborn in the last 5 years and no one I know uses an app. It's clearly far from universal.

Sounds like you had a good chat with DH. Can you carve out some time alone at the weekend?

It's very normal with three littles for the dad to take on a lot of the extra, non-baby stuff, and let the mum do a lot of the baby things. Especially if the baby is EBF.

It's not always easy to swap in and out at a moments notice which is why you get this specialization. But if you want him to handle something, you should say.

But you also need to let him manage the baby the way he wants when he is the one doing it, so long as it's nothing completely horrific, which doesn't seem likely. I'd ditch the app.

Then he could do a 'how much time at work' DW V DH

It's not a competition, it's just communication!

'take her before I explode' should do the job!!

Sorting laundry in peace feels luxurious at this point

Yanbu for this at all.

I've now agreed this with dh, that doing any "chores" without kids present is a treat, not a chore.

In our house, if you do a chore with the baby in the carrier, or letting the older child "help", then that is praiseworthy and you get thanked.

If you (say) do the laundry or cooking on your own, with headphones in for example, that counts as your downtime.

It really works for us. I was building resentment in the early weeks when dh would escape the kids to do elaborate cooking. Now he gets the 3yo in with him to "help" or supervises the baby in the bouncer at the same time.

Three is hard in the newborn phase, you do feel frazzled and struggle to find time to do anything without a baby hanging off you or a small child following you around. It gets easier honestly, I am not surprised you have reached this point with the others have been home unwell too.

You need to say to DH, please take the baby I need a break. He is clearly doing what he thinks is helpful, but also what is easier for him and that is not what you need right now. In a ideal world he would figure it out, but clearly that isn't happening so don't stew on it, it will just sap your limited energy, voice it.

With the bottle issue (I EBF'ed all mine) the only teat that worked well for mine when they bottle refused was a Nuk latex teat which might be worth a try as it is softer, more malleable and feels more skin like.

Oh my goodness it looks like we’re a group of little app weirdos 😂😂! So funny! Ditched it for each baby by the time I’d sorted out a vague schedule at about 5 months. I don’t know if it’s causing extra anxiety—I don’t think it is? Maybe, I’ll reflect on that a bit.

Interestingly DH is the main one who’s wanted it in the past as he could see what I’d done, I’ll ask if he still feels like this.

After three babies? Suddenly now it's putting him off?

Jesus, I wanted to call DS Huckleberry! That was a lucky escape.

(DH, the most easygoing man in Christendom, put his foot DOWN.)

Ask him!!! When he was doing the laundry you should’ve asked him to help because you were struggling. I have a 16 week old and if it gets too much for me I ask my husband to help.

My daughter has a four month old, and she doesn't use any kind of app. Honestly, it's just so bizarre and unnecessary. Tracking nappy changes? What on earth for, unless there was a specific medical need? The nappy is dirty/squishy, you just change it. I think tracking every single little thing might be causing you more additional stress than you realise.

Anyway, if you need more help from your husband, you need to tell him in the moment. Hand over the baby and say "Tag, you're it."

I had one 11 years ago and one 5 months ago. I don't use an app and I'm pretty sure I didn't even have a phone with my first 😂. Maybe try and take every day as it comes a bit more live in the moment. What doesn't get done today will get done tomorrow. Some days I'm defeated by 11 am and I don't even have 3 tiny ones. You should probably spend more time communicating in person and less over an app. If I were your partner this constant app checking bullshit would drive me insane.

I have an app too, you aren't the only one. I've had twins this time and feel like it is even more useful but even when I had just DS as a teeny baby, I found it incredibly helpful too.

I personally cannot get my head around an app for communication! Speak to each other 🤦‍♀️I had three 25 years ago and it was ok because we spoke to each other.Husband did piss off skiing two months after having number three but all ok because I then took myself off to Tenerife for a holiday a couple of months later .
Just verbally communicate and stop using Apps .

"He’s said he hasn’t bonded with her very much so maybe that’s why?"

He's probably avoiding her, then.

Baby is EBF!! Why do people suggest formula? FFS How is that really going to help? So now Mum will have even MORE to do, washing and sterilising bottles, having to express her milk to cover the missed breastfeed, so her supply doesn't dip. Why can people not just respect an EBF relationship between mum and baby?? Honestly, such an unhelpful comment to an EBF mum.

I use an app, all my NCT group use an app ( our babies are 10 - 16 weeks). Ignore all the digs about it, it was invaluable when DS was ill.

However, one PP is right that it is a method of recording info to spot trends/manage time, it it NOT the main way for you and your DH to communicate about your baby's needs and your needs for respite/support.

Glad you've had a good convo with him this evening. Keep telling him when you need to tap out/swap jobs. I say this as someone who has been shit at claiming time for herself.

I don’t get all the hate towards the app.. me and my husband had one when ours was newborn and it was an absolute godsend!!

I have 3 DC, all EBF, all said EBFs recorded on an app… I also found the transition from 2-3 harder than 1-2 - DD3 was just a more demanding baby than DD2 and it’s already a lot looking after young children when you throw a baby in the mix. I know it’s extra labour/load but I found I really needed to clearly communicate my needs to DH - we were both pretty overwhelmed and had different ideas about what we should be doing. Once we got into a routine it was fine and I absolutely love having 3 DDs (now 7/5/2) but the first couple of months were a wild ride and I’m happy not to do it again!

Step away from the app! And sit down and have a conversation about how you feel. Oh, and when you want to pop out for a bit of time by yourself, just tell him.
”I’m nipping to the shop, I’ll be back in an hour”

How? Could it change a nappy? Feed a baby? Make a coffee?

How what?