DH’s (in)ability to look after newborn

[BurntThePastaAgain]

Posting here vs parenting as want a range of views and happy to be told IABU in my postpartum haze.

We have x3 DDs, DH works, I am on ML. Youngest is 11 weeks old. DH is fantastic with the older two, and was when they were babies, but I am essentially a single mother with our youngest. He will do stuff but only if I ask. I EBF so all the feeds are on me. It’s exhausting and a bit depressing.

Before anyone suggests “he’s not psychic” and that I should ask/explain, I have asked and explained several times how I feel but nothing has changed. He seems completely unable to think “oh I’ll change her nappy”. I’m a data weirdo and have an app that he has access to on his phone which has every nappy change, feed and sleep, so he has all the info there.

For example, this evening he sorted laundry outside the bedroom (helpful, I know, but it’s his laundry too) whilst listening to me rock and shush the baby for 30 mins as she cried and cried. I’ve been rocking/shushing/feeding/changing her all day whilst doing the food shop, and looking after/feeding/wiping x2 toddlers. I cannot imagine a reverse where I’d feel comfortable letting him struggle for 30 mins whilst I did something else. Sorting laundry in peace feels luxurious at this point 😂

AIBU to be frustrated by him?

😂😂 to this becoming about the app, but if it’s insightful to the doubters, for one thing, I use it to remember which side I last fed on and how long so I don’t end up with one massive boob 😳 my MIL said she used a safety pin on her bra strap which she’d swap over and a notebook with the times! So I suppose this is just a modern version of that system? Once she’s feeding/sleeping less chaotically, then I won’t need to remember.. once the older two were about 4/5 months, they just used to do each side every feed for about the same amount of time but my newborn isn’t there yet.

How was an app invaluable in raising a baby?

If it’s fucking huckleberry Yabu to expect him to check it.

we used it with
out first and it caused more arguments than anything.

in terms of everything else…
”darling you take the baby maybe a change will help her settle I’ll do the laundry”
”DH I need the bathroom and a snack, can you change the baby?”
“I need to unload the dishwasher can you bathe the baby”
“I’d like to spend some time with the older two here the baby she needs a new outfit”

I’m mainly here for the baked potato toppings 😂. Will try that one OP, love a JP! But this thread just reminded me that in the early days with DD my DP kept trying to stop me doing things like unloading the dishwasher/ putting out the laundry as DD might need feeding. I remember one time almost shouting ‘just let me please empty the dishwasher!’ So funny to think that emptying the dishwasher seemed like a break! But it really was.

Just asked my daughter who has a 2 year old and she was most surprised there even was such an app never mind using one. So obviously not that commonplace

My daughter who has a 15 month old used an app as did most of her friends.

The app is a red herring. They use it, end of.

@BurntThePastaAgain press the reset button on this. Tell DH that the baby is no longer a newborn, you have 3 DC, one of whom is still a baby. He needs to be looking after them all and not only giving you some time alone but also giving you some one to one time with each of the others.

possibly you’ll still have to tell him but be clear that they come as a bundle and you don’t have sole responsibility for the hardest one.

This too will pass.

fwiw - I love the idea of the app! I track everything on apps.

It's so hard those early days and I do remember feeling like you do. Like, I can see all these things that need doing, why can't you? And I know I wouldn't let him sit for 30 mins with a screaming baby without offering help, so why doesn't he offer the other way?

I did learn to just tell my husband / ask him to do what I needed. He always did, it was frustrating that he didn't just do it without me asking but I learnt that building up that resentment was getting me nowhere.

Ours are 4 and 1 now, and for some reason at these ages he is much more in tune with their needs.

For your own sanity, just start asking / tapping out / handing over when you can just to get you through these hard phases! Best of luck xx

Congratulation on the newborn!

If you have only tried 3 types of teat, I'd try a few more with different brands of bottle too. There were different flows, and different tastes of the teat (at least when my lot were little, we went through different brands and different shapes - to fit the bottle - ones for colic relief and just regular and then there latex vs silicone) so all I'm suggesting is that you don't give up with trying bottles/sippy cups because you tried three teats and your baby hasn't taken to any of them.

He clearly processes data and information differently to you now, even if he thought the app was useful for your other 2.

You have to tell him, I want time with the other 2/a shit in peace/ to just lay down on the bed untouched by any living thing for an hour, here you go.

It's daft but he probably thinks he's "doing it all" and being really helpful by making sure tasks are done like the laundry and the other 2 are entertained and not left out but he's putting his energy into the wrong things.

If you're not clear, concise and direct, then I'm afraid YABU, sorry

I never bothered expressing to cover a missed breastfeed and my partner did the formula feed including making it and cleaning up after so it didn't make any extra work for me. It just gave me a break and gave DH a baby-related job/bonding time. That's why it's helpful to someone who is struggling and feeling exhausted and depressed specifically with all the feeds being on her.
Breastfeeding doesn't mean you can never have a break.

The idea of tracking in an app is bonkers to me. Maybe deleting that would help you both. And he’s not a mind reader. Tell him you want him to take over: and get baby on bottle so there’s more flexibility

It’s such an invasion of privacy, you have no idea where that data is being used.

I'd have brought the baby out after 10 minutes and handed the baby to him to deal with. Told him I needed a break and went for a coffee in another room. You sound like a martyr.

Ha, I used to put a safety pin on my bra last side I'd fed on. That's what midwives used to tell new mums to do. How times change.

My husband of 20 years and I are blissfully child free, however, I think yours does enough already.

Along with the #datanerd logging everything stuff, I wonder if you have inadvertently turned all the baby care into a set of long rigid "procedures" that must be done "the right way"?

For example, if he changed a nappy without "logging it" are you then upset he's "messed up your data"?

Ignore the app hate, OP! I've got a 2 year old and all my friends and NCT group used it at least at the beginning. Some found it didn;t work for them and stopped after the first couple of weeks, most used it for a few months. Very helpful when you're a frazzled mum to be able to check in an instant how long it;s been since last feed, or which boob or whether they've had any dirty nappies that day. Fair enough it doesn;t work for everyone but it takes away a lot of the overwhelm for some of us!

Back in the 80s, in the early days post birth, I wrote down feeds and which boob on a notepad. I was so tired I wouldn't have remembered otherwise.

‘The app’ sounds like it’s an NCT thing! Doesn’t appeal, but I never really operated to routines. Everything was pretty much ‘on demand’ for my 3 when they were tiny. Feeding, sleeping, soothing. Whoever smelt or felt the nappy changed it! I’m not sure how noting it all down would’ve altered anything we did or didn’t do. Maybe it gives you the impression that you’re in control, which might be no bad thing in the early days!

There's an Egyptian geese family with goslings at our park.
They had 7 goslings to start with but a couple of weeks ago they became 5.

Last week they were at their usual spot but the father wasn't. I spotted him standing elsewhere in the park on his own. I playfully scolded him and my DH said he's in his man cave.

Yesterday I saw the goslings cuddled together and their mother beside them. No dad. Few minutes later he flew in.

I didn't bother saying anything to him.

I've been TTC for 5yrs but understand that men truly are different from women.

I'm sure your DH does other things well. Keep telling him what you need, hopefully he'll do his best.

I used to just walk over, plonk the baby in dp's arms and fuck off for a while 😄 give that a go

You sound hard work.

Nope! It wouldn’t bother me?