DP wants to delay IVF - who is right?

[alphonsodelicio]

DP and I get married in July. We’re both 30 and after years of TTC, turns out we’ll need IVF due to an issue detected through recent tests. We’re on NHS wait list for fertility clinic.

Our honeymoon is booked for January (chosen for the right season). I know IVF can be a long road, so I want to start the process a couple of months after the wedding, before the honeymoon (we’d pay privately if NHS referral is not ready). E.g. if we started IVF in September and it worked first time around, I’d still only be in early pregnancy for our Jan honeymoon and would be safe to fly. Equally if it didn’t work, at least we’d have started the process and will hopefully have frozen embryos to transfer when we return.

DP on the other hand thinks I’m crazy and is v against starting anything until we return from honeymoon next year. We’ve been TTC for years and I feel sick of waiting, and want to start the process ASAP to give us the best chances fertility wise (given our ages).

Am I being totally unrealistic, as DP says?

There is no right or wrong answer it's something you will both have to agree on as a couple. Sorry its not better advice but no one can decide for you. Good luck with it!

yep no right or wrong but I can say I understand why you want to get on with it. Can you explain to him you won't feel relaxed enough to enjoy the holiday if you are on tenterhooks waiting for such a big life change to get going.

I understand where you are coming from - you just want to crack on. Has he said why he wants to wait?

I don't think you're being unrealistic, but as you say IVF can be a long road. I think you should wait till after the honeymoon and enjoy it fully. You're only 30, and it's only a delay of 4 months, although I do understand why you're so desperate to just get started. But in the grand scheme of things 4 months is nothing, and if you're in IVF limbo for years you might be grateful of having that great holiday first.

I would be team Dp on this one 🤷‍♀️

I can see both your points - but I would probably be inclined to wait. Assuming the best, early pregnancy can be tough - I could barely leave the house let alone travel. And if it's unsuccessful, you may not be in a good place to enjoy the trip. I really don't want to be negative, but having had a miscarriage before, I wouldn't travel during first trimester myself even if I felt OK. It's only 4 months, you're relatively young - enjoy the trip first.

Team DP.

I had HORRENDOUS sickness during the first 14 weeks of my pregnancy. I was off work for 9 of those, I couldn’t eat or drink anything without vomiting and I could barely get out of bed. I spend most days in tears because of how ill I felt.

Believe me, that’s not an experience you want on your honeymoon.

Having been through the process I would wait. I was advised not to swim or bath following embryo transfer. I was also doing daily injection and pessaries. I had bleeding. A holiday would have been a write-off. If something goes wrong you might blame yourself. Also, where's your honeymoon? Do you need to consider Zika risk.

I have done IVF. We started TTC in 2018 when I turned 29 with the expectation I'd be pregnant by the time I turned 30. Obviously that didn't happen and then we also had COVID delaying treatment. We started IVF in 2021, I fell pregnant first time, had a horrendous first trimester where I could barely move from my bed, I remained really sick throughout and then we found out our daughter was seriously ill and ended up having a tfmr at 26 weeks. We went straight back into IVF, had a failed transfer and then a successful transfer and that gave us our second little girl, just before I turned 34. Again that pregnancy was awful, I wasn't as sick as the first time round but I was sick all the time, could only eat very beige food and sip sparkling water. I had multiple big bleeds and hospital admissions and it was horrendously stressful.
I get how awful waiting is, I really really do and when you're in this thick if it you just want to be at the end. We had considered trying the year before we did but decided to get married instead and honestly I don't regret it. We had time for us before the nightmare of fertility stuff started.
You also might not feel well enough to fly. I certainly wouldn't have been either time.
Also for fertility treatment you're still young, unless you've been told otherwise, those few months likely won't change your outcome.
Only you and your husband can make this decision though and neither one of you is wrong.
Honestly though having come out the other side I'd say take the honeymoon and come back rested and having enjoyed time together and ready to fling yourself into. This is a completely different answer to what I'd have said five years ago though.

I can appreciate your partner wanting to wait until after the holiday. Making him feel pressured, even more so than he already is, probably isn't a great strategy. I understand you feel anxious, but his feelings matter, too.

Thanks everyone. Food for thought. I hadn’t fully considered potentially feeling terrible during pregnancy. My DM and siblings all had very uncomplicated pregnancies with no sickness at all… so I suppose my expectations are a little skewed, but I get that it can’t be guaranteed I’d be the same.

Early pregnancy for me was extreme fatigue and sickness which was pretty much all day. Doing a supermarket shop resulted in a 2h nap sort of exhaustion. Building that placenta is hard work!!

If it was to delay it 6+ months and a regular holiday I might say just go for it but in this situation I would hold off.

I’m team DP too. Having had a successful round of ivf, the injections/pessaries/hcg bloods/first trimester of pregnancy isn’t a time I would have been wanting to travel abroad. I was absolutely shattered, was on 3 pessaries a day, waiting for one of my ovaries to return to normal size and suffering from relentless nausea, like a constant hangover, and I could only tolerate a handful of foods.

I can see both your points, no one is right or wrong. I think I would wait until after the honeymoon though, I had morning sickness until 16 weeks in pregnancies (without actually being sick, so just constant nausea) and that would definitely spoil the honeymoon. You can’t know how you will feel so best to go and enjoy it then focus on the IVF afterwards.

There’s no guarantee yours is the same, but my mum also claimed to never have had morning sickness. She remembered when I told her how nauseous I was feeling all the time without being sick that she was exactly the same 😂

There is no right or wrong. I ttc until 2 months before our honeymoon. I was too scared to have any pregnancy related issues before during our honeymoon

I understand why you might feel like that after so long but also consider if you’d be willing to go ahead with the honeymoon if you were spotting / having hyperemesis etc

I think it would be silly to delay, there's no real reason to

Are you going to a malarial or zika zone?

I would wait for sure, please enjoy your holiday and your time together. If everything goes well and you are pregnant on your honeymoon, do you really want to be stuck in a foreign country with various risks (Zika is everywhere outside of Europe) and no access to the specialists that support you? The first 14-16 weeks are hell are difficult with hormone changes and feeling nauseous anyway. You are still very young, you can wait a few more months. In the meantime, enjoy your time away before travel gets a lot more complicated with a baby in the mix.

@eurochick no we aren’t - it’s something we took into consideration when deciding where to go.

I’d wait- although I remember being desperate to get going (25 years ago in our case).

I went on holiday when pregnant with DS2 after 3 mcs in between. I don’t think I really enjoyed it. We went as we had DS1 who was 7 and I wanted us to have a family holiday in the summer holidays, but if I was trying for number 1 it would have been better not to have gone.

How about viewing the months you’ll be waiting as a time to do other things that might be harder when baby has arrived? Day trips, evenings out etc

The way I see it when there is a need to have IVF there will always other holidays .It's just a honeymoon .It's not as if it's your first holiday .The start of your life of your life together , you've already begun your life together .

Also, bear in my mind that if anything does go wrong (minor or major) you’re probably going to want to be in England and near to your own hospital and with the maternity/obstetric team who know you.

My mother flew through pregnancy. I have a horrendous fertility and obstetrics journey.

IVF and along with early pregnancy the emotional stress and potential pregnancy symptoms or complications are unknown.

And once you really begin down this path it can be all consuming. On you, your body, your emotional wellbeing and your partner.

I would take the time, really enjoy your relationship. Give your self the space for a great experience and go into refreshed and your partnership really strong. Don't view this as wasted time. Think of it as time for you both getting ready for the next part. Make a list of things you want to do other than your honeymoon while you are waiting.

Because it can be such a roller coaster.

Best of luck with it all.

I would crack on with the ivf , it’s only a holiday - not really a honeymoon 6 months after the wedding . If you are already on the NHS waiting list surely you take the appointments when they are offered