DP wants to delay IVF - who is right?

[alphonsodelicio]

DP and I get married in July. We’re both 30 and after years of TTC, turns out we’ll need IVF due to an issue detected through recent tests. We’re on NHS wait list for fertility clinic.

Our honeymoon is booked for January (chosen for the right season). I know IVF can be a long road, so I want to start the process a couple of months after the wedding, before the honeymoon (we’d pay privately if NHS referral is not ready). E.g. if we started IVF in September and it worked first time around, I’d still only be in early pregnancy for our Jan honeymoon and would be safe to fly. Equally if it didn’t work, at least we’d have started the process and will hopefully have frozen embryos to transfer when we return.

DP on the other hand thinks I’m crazy and is v against starting anything until we return from honeymoon next year. We’ve been TTC for years and I feel sick of waiting, and want to start the process ASAP to give us the best chances fertility wise (given our ages).

Am I being totally unrealistic, as DP says?

I’d have been miserable if I’d been in early pregnancy on my honeymoon.
I really would suggest you just wait those few more months. Really enjoy your wedding, honeymoon and the few months of your early marriage.
A last 6 months of just the 2 of you before you attempt to change your lives forever!

Sorry to be another gloomy voice but my early pregnancies were a whirl of sickness, exhaustion and going to bed at 7pm. Had we been on our honeymoon I would have felt dreadful and also probably cried all day every day in disappointment (the hormones were real).

Wishing you lots of luck with your IVF 💐

When you have ivf there are lots of appointments so how would the two align? Ie what if you started and needed an appointment whilst on holiday? Also I think travel increases stress reducing chances of it working. I'd do the honeymoon if possible or cancel it, I don't see how both are possible at once.

Yes, early pregnancy can be tough. I had nausea 24 hours day until 12 weeks and when that eased, we went on holiday and I was so tired, I just wanted to lie down in the hotel. At 16 weeks, I had complete urine retention requiring hospitalisation and catheterisation. After that it was plain sailing, but I would definitely not have wanted to be on any kind of a once-in-a-lifetime trip. In your shoes, I would wait.

Team DP. I had a bleed during early pregnancy and halfway through our holiday came down pretty bad with exhaustion and morning sickness. It sucked worrying about my pregnancy while unable to do anything, and then not being able to eat anything other than plain pasta and cucumber and spending most days sleeping. Not the best for a honeymoon.

Enjoy the time together, unmarred by how your ivf journey is going.

I would wait. If youvget pregnant on your honeymoon. No lovely cocktails. Some activities wouldn't be suitable . You may have terrible morning sickness and its all ruined

It's only a short time and I ended up abroad with a suspected ectopic and I cannot tell you how awful it was being that unwell abroad.

I was admitted to hospital at 7 weeks with severe nausea and vomiting - I couldn't keep water down. Scan revealed it was twins.

It was tough enough in the U.K. I would not have wanted to go through that abroad.

I would absolutely wait. I travelled long haul with my first at about 4 months. It was fine.

When I was pregnant with my second I was really poorly and not a chance would I have would have been well enough. The nausea didn’t stop. I had a couple of bleeds.

You just can’t tell how you are going to be. and you don’t know how you would feel. Maybe you might feel anxious and not enjoy it. Even if the pregnancy is easy.

Not a chance would I be risking my honeymoon. I would wait until after.

Is there any chance of bringing the honeymoon forward, even if it meant going to a different location? I would find waiting 6/7 months to start IVF very frustrating, and wouldn’t enjoy the holiday as much if I was just waiting for it to be over. Equally I wouldn’t want to be pregnant on honeymoon, for all the reasons pp have mentioned.

When going through IVF, we didn’t book things very far ahead ‘just in case’. There were some last minute trips when things didn’t work. But someone said to me to carry on as normal - after being affected by infertility, you probably won’t mind if you have to cancel things because you are pregnant! Which is a great philosophy, and would have helped life feel a bit more normal pre-DC. But you probably don’t want to apply that to your honeymoon.

I agree with your DP.

Relax, take it easy, enjoy your time together with no pressure. Put it all to the back of your minds.

TTC can take over your life and can have a negative effect on both your mood and your relationship. This little window where you put it all on the long finger might be really good for you both.

re. not having lovely cocktails - I think the Op here is saying she is much more interested in moving forward with IVF than sitting having a cocktail - I would just try to get across to your partner that this is the biggest issue in your life right now and you wont be able to really relax until you have started it - I just totally get that.

I've done IVF (unsuccessfully) and I would advise waiting. I felt awful for several months after our failed attempt - both physically and mentally. When I did surprisingly fall pregnant a few years later, I was an absolute mess for most of the pregnancy, certainly the earlier stages.

I am 100% with your DP on this. It's just a few months so really it's not that long to wait in the grand scheme of things (even though I know every day is painful when you just want to be pregnant!)
Having been through it, I would say enjoy your HM, relax and spend some time with you husband before the madness starts! IVF can be stressful and tough on your body (I know everyone has different experiences) also early pregnancy can be so tough (again everyone is different). Just because your family members had it easy is no indication of how your pregnancy will go.
Also something to consider, I travelled to a wedding when I was about 15 weeks pregnant and while there I bled a little. All was ok and it wasn't much but I remember the panic when I initially saw the blood (had previous MC) not being close to my doctor/hospital and just being in another country, not speaking the language etc. Was scared of ending up in hospital and not being able to effectively communicate. I know we don't like to think of the worst but it is something to consider!

Also agree with DP. I entirely understand the desperate sense of urgency to get going, but you won't enjoy the holiday if you are part way through a cycle, worried about losing an early pregnancy, etc. My DH and I went on a weekend away just after I got a faint positive on a pregnancy test after some fertility treatment and I was terrified of getting to hot, walking up steep hills, the seat belt pushing my stomach if we brakes suddenly in the car in unfamiliar foreign roads. I started to bleed on the second day and knew I was losing the pregnancy. Almost certainly would have happened anyway but i still wonder what if we hadn't gone (story ends happily though as the treatment we had the next month worked and DS1 is now 10 years old).

I wouldn't delay starting IVF for a holiday. I'd change the holiday to July and go somewhere like Stella Island with swim up and start IvF asap when we got home.

I came to mention Zika too but I can see it's already been mentioned, depending where you go the clinic may make you wait a quarantine period after travelling to a Zika affected county

I had HG for 8 months and was hospitalised - I would re think starting early.

I would wait (or bring the holiday forward to closer to the wedding even if you’d switch destination). I’ve had three cycles starting at the same age as you. One failure, one miscarriage, touch wood one going to plan. We started at 30 and spread them over 2 years. I know some people prefer to back to back and it’s all dependent on age, reason for the the need for treatment etc so it’s not one size fits all but it’s what’s worked for us. We had a long haul trip in between the miscarriage and this cycle and it was so nice to have some breathing space as a couple. It helped remind us that we would be ok as a pair even if the worst happened again or it never happened at all. My clinic was perfectly supportive of us taking our time (again, your medical circumstances may vary) so you could always ask if a 4 month delay is likely to have any significant impact on success rates - I’d think it would be minuscule at worst (not like you’re delaying years!).

Nobody in my family had difficult pregnancies but I’ve had severe morning sickness (still going at 30 weeks…). I also really struggled with the IVF drugs (exacerbated the nausea and I hated the pessaries more than the injections). Plus the practicalities of transporting the meds etc. Not what I’d want on honeymoon!

I’m with your DP.

One round of IVF can take months if you do a long protocol. I think mine was about 8 weeks AFTER I had waited for the first day of my period. I started with the clinic in Oct. Did all their tests and appointments etc. Got my period mid December, had my transfer mid Feb.

As it was successful, I had scans at 6 weeks and 8 weeks.

So I was having appointments for 5/6 months ongoing.

Then, as others said, you may be extremely tired and nauseas in the first trimester. It would really impact the enjoyment of the honeymoon.

Also you are naturally more anxious about an IVF pregnancy (it almost feels too good to be true) so you may not want to be eating out every single meal, away from your regular medical care etc

All the best with your wedding, honeymoon and fertility journey.

Having had IVF myself I found it gruelling hormone wise and as it was last chance saloon for us as we had spent so much I wouldn't have wanted to go on holiday.

There's no guarantee it'd work first round so I'd wait until you are focused on that rather than your honeymoon.

But I can understand why you're wanting to get on with it, but it's only a few months.

I think you’re then saying the holiday is more important than the IVF. It’s a bit like a lottery isn’t it? You roll the dice every month. And hopefully it happens quickly for you. But personally I’d think ‘well what if the months that we’d delayed had been the month it worked?’.

Its just not something I would want to delay doing.

But I do see most people are on your DH’s side.

Bringing the honeymoon forward might be a good idea? Of possible.

I'd wait.

Whilst I haven't had IVF I did conceive after 6 years of trying on Clomid. I just felt so vulnerable and for the first few weeks just felt a mixture of emotions, all of which I wouldn't want to have gone through on honeymoon. I also had bleeding at 6 weeks so was back in the clinic for a scan. Plus I was absolutely shattered, to the point where it took ALL my energy to walk up the stairs.

I'd enjoy your honeymoon, enjoy the activities/cocktails and then try on your return.

Good luck OP.

I had IVF and tbh I'd crack on. Like you say you'd have the medicated round under your belt and if it didn't work the holiday would be a good time to recalibrate. If it did lots of people travel in early pregnancy, it would just change the nature of the trip as no alcohol etc so I see why your husband would want to pause.

Can you move the holiday to e.g spain this summer? Waiting to TTC is hell, but also i get SO tired in 1st trimester, a fabulous long haul holiday would be wasted on me