Would you have thrown the shoes away?

[ChilliChilly]

I have young kids and they leave their shoes everywhere, as do I sometimes. We have a shoe rack but with 2 pre school kids shoes end up in strange places

I collected all the shoes in the house while tidying last week. Gathered them all in a large canvas bag. Put the canvas bag in the sitting room (nowhere near a door)

DH was at home by himself and took the huge bag of shoes to the clothes bin and they've all gone. Including some of mine.

He says I'm mad gathering them in a bag and he thought he was 100% safe to presume they were to be thrown out

AIBU to think a quick call or message to ask is a reasonable expectation?

He would try and get them back or would help me buy/order replacements and pay for them. He wouldn't do it entirely himself because I'm a control freak and would want to choose them.

We wouldn't be in that position though because he's not thick enough to throw them away without checking with me.

If you had made this mistake what would you do.

that said how many would actually do,it having looked in it checked none of his abd knew new shoes were there

OP have you checked your bins for them?

Even if the shoes were in a black rubbish bag AND by the door - I'd still ask. Just in case. He's an idiot.

When you initially posted I kind of saw your husbands point. If I saw a big bag of old clothes / shoes, I'd probably presume they were destined for the charity shop too. However your later posts detailing his reaction paint him as an utter twat.

If I fucked up like that, I'd be profusely apologising to DP, and no way I'd be blaming her! And I'd be on the phone to the charity to see if there was any way to get them back, or online purchasing new ones.

Your husband is way beyond "dick" I'm afraid OP

Yanbu. I’d be livid.

Of course they would. That’s how a normal man in a healthy relationship who has made a mistake behaves. He apologises and tries to fix it.

Your DH clearly does not behave like that and - from the way you are pointedly ignoring lots of questions about him/your relationship (as is obviously your right) - I suspect this is just the tip of a big old shitty iceberg of disrespect.

He has a really odd habit of hating stuff my family get.

@ChilliChilly, do you have any idea of how many red flags for domestic abuse there are in your posts?

Now we know there were new shoes in the bag that your family bought, it is even clearer that he got rid of the bag on purpose.

I suspect he is controlling and abusive in other ways. Would I be right in suggesting that he usually expects his wishes to take priority over your needs?

He sounds nasty. IMO he did it deliberately as he saw an opportunity to "punish" you just because he can. (How dare you struggle to manage working full time AND manage the house and children?)

If my husband did that I think he'd be absolutely mortified and apologetic and do everything he could to fix it. But he wouldn't have just thrown the bag away without asking first.

DH would have been mortified and actually really upset with himself. He hates waste and that would have been a lot of waste! Replacing loads of shoes! He definitely would have gone back to a charity shop if that's where he took them, or wherever else.

I know this because he once decided to be tidy-once!- and decided to decant my bottle of fancy shampoo into the bottle of fancy conditioner (same brand and they looked the same to him). I was flabbergasted and he was so upset at himself, especially after he found out how much they'd cost. (BedHead, because I know someone will ask. Not super pricey but not Aldi's brand either) He did offer to buy replacements.

Also gathering shoes into a canvas bag isn't strange at all. I'm loving the people here who think that every has the time to do an entire tidy up all in one go. Working full time outside the home + two small children can mean limited time and a lot of disruptions.

You said it all when you said he sometimes helps. He shouldn’t be helping. He should 100% be involved in parenting and house chores. He saw the opportunity to be a prize dick while you were out of the house and ran with it. He’s laughing at you because he was successful. What a prince.

Men can be weird. I used to rotate the children's toys, so would put some in the garage for a couple of months, then swap with ones in the play room. I went to the garage to do the swap, only DD's pram and Sylvanian family collection, plus other bits weren't there. I thought I was going mad, asked DH about them, he assumed they were not being used, so took them to the dump.

Indeed. I can still remember DH dressing DD1 from the "too small" pile of clothes I'd put in a bag for charity rather than open a drawer and find a whole array of clothes that actually fit her.

Yes. When my daughter's cardigan knitted by me accidentally got donated by my MIL (genuine mistake - she didn't realise it had been taken off the donation pile deliberately) my husband phoned several times to the place she took it to try to get it back. It was gone, but he tried.

He's not totally reliable at remembering which are the current shoes and which clothes belong to which child, but when he isn't sure he asks.