Would you have thrown the shoes away?

[ChilliChilly]

I have young kids and they leave their shoes everywhere, as do I sometimes. We have a shoe rack but with 2 pre school kids shoes end up in strange places

I collected all the shoes in the house while tidying last week. Gathered them all in a large canvas bag. Put the canvas bag in the sitting room (nowhere near a door)

DH was at home by himself and took the huge bag of shoes to the clothes bin and they've all gone. Including some of mine.

He says I'm mad gathering them in a bag and he thought he was 100% safe to presume they were to be thrown out

AIBU to think a quick call or message to ask is a reasonable expectation?

Unless it's in a (secured) black bin bag I wouldn't be throwing anything out without checking.

I have adhd. putting stuff in a bag is a completely normal thing in our house, and my dh would know not to throw it away. we call them doom bags.

Just noticed that you say he had never taken anything to the clothes bin in his life before. This makes me think he did this as some sort of aggressive gesture. Has he been complaining about shoes or other mess? Does he criticise your methods eg gathering things into one place and sorting later?

He does think I start jobs without finishing them. I struggle working full time with very young kids to get all the jobs done. I was fed up of seeing random shoes under beds so collected them all and was going to sort/clean this weekend. they went to clothes bin, not charity shop.

his reaction was shitty. honestly - and don't all jump down my throat - but i wouldn't ask him to buy new pairs because he woudl laugh in my face, and if i pushed - we would have a very horrible argument. it is far easier for me to spend 20 mins online buying some new shoes.

i can see collecthing things in a bag is a bit weird. i just did it at end of day. he always says i'm forever putting thigns in piles but i'm just trying to keep on top of things but i get my tidying up style is maybe not ideal!

Hmm. Sounds as though he knew exactly what he was doing to be honest and did it to piss you off. If he regularly took things to a clothes bin then okay, but as you don’t and the way he reacted, sounds I’d bet this was no mistake.

He should have checked, but I'm baffled as to why you collected up a load of shoes and put them in a bag.

The next thing of his that hits the floor would be in the bin a minute later.

The solution:

1) Go to the charity shop and ask for them back. Explain the mistake and offer a donation, or perhaps even donate your husbands clothes to them?!

or

2) Buy yourself some nice new trainers, and the kids some shoes, and take it from the food budget, particularly the food your DH likes eating. e.g. when my DH pisses me off, the food becomes vegetarian as I am not fussed about eating meat and it's expensive!

Or he can acts like the grown up he is, and goes to the charity shop himself and explain, maybe op and the kids do care about the food they eat? Maybe their food budget isn't large enough to replace everyone's shoes and leave enough to feed them decent food? I know my food budget isn't large enough for that and still have enough for proper food.

Having a penis doesn't stop someone from knowing the things their family use daily.

I don't think collecting things in a bag is weird at all, I do that all the time to sort stuff out, particularly clothes and shoes. My husband never had the crazy idea to through them all out without checking with le first! The same way I wouldn't throw out anything he has packed without asking him what he intended to do with it ...

Also, we both know which shoes our kids are wearing!

Your husband is not very domestic is he ? He had no opinion whether these things were still good or not or in use ? He just went with it that the wife says these are no good . I'd have a chat .

Why would we jump down your throat for having a husband who treats you badly?

How much housework does this man do?

I assume the shoes were not tied up in pairs. They were loose.

It would be crazy to take them to a clothes bank loose and donate them not in pairs, but loose. They would get seperated. Did he do that? What a fool.

So that makes it sound even more deliberate, he knows you gather things to sort and tidy later. He could have sorted and tidied the shoes himself but he chose to get rid of them instead. Does he do his share of chores and organising? It sounds like he doesn't.

I tidy like this, there's nothing wrong with it, i have adhd and piles are the only way I get done what I need to, I have other friends who do the same, it sounds like your husband has done this to teach you a lesson, to make you clean and tidy how he thinks you should. If he knows that's how you manage your tidying then it would have been more obvious that that's why they're were piled in a bag together.

Rarely tries to help?

All of you just stop. It is not fucking helping. It is his job as much as yours when they are his children.

He needs to pay for all new footwear for the children and to replace what was yours. He's pissed off with you as he knows he's done wrong but doesn't want to admit it.

He's a idiot for bining the shoes and his attitude afterwards. He needs to replace them not you.

This was my thoughts too.

From your other posts he clearly is aware you have a method to your madness of trying to keep on top of things, and that is piling similar type/location items together to then deal with. This concept is not new to him as he has previously moaned about this method.

Basically I think he did it to spite you for some reason, which is pretty disgusting behaviour.

Can you tell his mother about this and embarrass him into sorting himself out and not being such a massive cockwomble?

It's not weird to collect things in a bag. How else can you carry half a dozen or more pair of shoes.

I voted YANBU based on this incident. But the question is do you have form for sticking things in a bag in the corner rather than clearing up properly. If so I might bin them myself out of sheer annoyance

I do think it's weird you gathered shoes out of the bedrooms into a bag and brought downstairs - that bag would look like something that was to go if the shoes didn't usually "live" downstairs...

And maybe he thought you were trying to also chuck his favourite tatty shoes out?

Could have said to him "the bag of shoes in the front room is for me to sort Saturday"

The fact you're scared of an argument with him isn't good though

Yes I agree. He knew exactly what he was doing here.
next time he puts a bag of his stuff down you know what to do!

He absolutely did this on purpose. He's a dickhead.

Well my husband would know those are the shoes the kids still wear

I like to think that I'd have paused to check with you first, but I still think that it was a risky thing that you did if you didn't specifically communicate with him about NOT throwing them out.

Would it not have been logical to have just put them back on the boot rack for the time being to sort out when time permitted?

An expensive mistake I guess, and he will have to contribute towards putting it right.

He should have checked with you first.

Is it something that normally happens, as in him taking items to the clothes bank?

Maybe he assumed that as it was only shoes in the bag you'd had a declutter of the shoe cupboard.

Perhaps don't leave multiple pairs of shoes lying around in various rooms and put them back where they belong. Either immediately after use (I assume the shoe rack is by the front door so how do shoes manage to be left in various rooms?) or at the end of each day have a sweep around and put them back then. I get that it's difficult with toddlers but if you get into the habit of removing them when you're by the shoe rack when you come in they'll soon get the hang of it.

As there were none of his shoes in the bag then he's obviously the only one in the house that uses the shoe rack for its purpose and doesn't leave things lying around.

However, I would have checked if the bag was destined for the bin before taking it. Or communicated to him what you were planning to do with it so it didn't get thrown out.