Partner asked me to get up with baby in the morning

[fellinlovewithawar]

I currently have a 10 week old and EBF which means I’m the one who does all the wake ups in the night. My partner will wake up and sit with me when I do the nappy change, but will then go back to sleep. He does not ever get up when the baby stirs, nor does he do the nappy changes himself. We have a baby who sleeps fairly well with 2-3 wake ups per night, but I’m still up a good 1-2 hours with him overall. My partner will normally get up with him post 6am so I can get some extra rest in before he goes to work at 7:45am. This isn’t always the case, sometimes our LO will sleep later or I’ll manage to get him back to sleep after a feed. This morning he asked me to get up with him. I’d been up at 1:30am to feed him, again at some point after this to soothe him and then at 4:15 - 5:15. At best, I’d had 30 minutes sleep. I told him I cannot function a whole day with a baby with 30 minutes sleep since 4am. His argument was he woke up during the nappy change, so he reckoned he’d only had 30 minutes more than me. I said right, well don’t you think you could give me 30 minutes more, plus the time I’d been up in the night? In the end he agreed to get up, but then made no attempts to move and honestly, I was too angry to sleep by this point. I explained to him I get that he does often get up at 6am, but I get up throughout the night EVERY night. I have to wake myself up, then struggle to get back to sleep while he can stay in a semi-conscious state.

He's supposed to go to football at 9pm tonight, and often he will play games around 8pm which leaves me putting our baby to bed alone. It’s not usually an issue as he does these morning wake ups, but today I felt like there was just no understanding of how difficult it is to last a whole day on the amount of sleep I’d had this morning. Our baby will not nap in the crib in the daytime, so it’s usually contact naps or occasionally on our bed/in his rocker. I’ve said to my partner that I’m not looking after our baby tonight, so he’ll have to miss football. He said no, and I told him he’d have to as someone needs to look after him. I’ve told him he’s going to have to get our LO up at every wake up and change his nappy if he needs it. I’m tempted to ask him to stay up with me during every breastfeed too just so he understands how exhausting it can be. I don’t get a break like he does, in any sense.

AIBU?

Why on earth does your DH “have the luxury of deciding not to get up”!?!!!! He absolutely does not. He is a parent too. If mine did this, I’d divorce him. Although to be fair I wouldn’t have married him in the first place!

If your husband (not mine) was operating on your child in a few hours you would accept the fact his wife expected him to be up every 2 hours to change nappies & feed the baby then travel to work. Absolutely nuts!

Who said her husband is a surgeon? Motivated people with careers like that tend to withstand sleep deprivation - we are used to it.

Mothers who make excuses like this, usually have waste of space DHs who don’t share the load. Instead, you all defend yourselves by saying “oh how unfair it is on the poor man” and get up on your own, simply because you know you married terribly and your DH won’t.

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@Starlight330

But my partner isn’t a surgeon. He works 7 minutes from work. I drive further than him taking my LO to classes, or to see family. He works in an office, with occasional travel to meet clients if/when he chooses. This week, he came to a class with me (he doesn’t normally), got himself food, went to visit a couple of local clients, went to the gym, went clothes shopping, then went back to work for a couple of hours. He jokes constantly about how little he has to work. He can catch up on rest if he needs, he doesn’t have to sit and play games until late or go to football and yet I’m supposed to sacrifice my sleep, and get into bed at 7pm having absolutely zero time to myself so he can go to work feeling great. (Just to clarify, I don’t actually think this is how my partner feels, but it seems a lot of commenters think this way!)

I know you don’t want to hear this, but he can only sustain this lifestyle because you are doing his share of parenting for him. Stop doing it. He cannot continue to live like that now he has a child. It’s totally unrealistic and he can only do it because of you.

@fellinlovewithawar I don’t have much to go on here other than what you have said on here so all I’m going to say is that your DP needs to shape up and help out even if that means that he gets up to do the one nappy change a night so that you can have some sleep he needs to find something that he can do to help out at the minute he’s getting away with the doing the bare minimum because your letting him and that’s not good for you. And as for all the nasty judgemental comments that you have gotten on here stop feeding the trolls let them fucking starve just water off a ducks back their comments they know they are being gobshites that’s why they do it. I hope you and your DP can come up with a solution that will work for you both you mostly just because he works doesn’t mean that his need for sleep and not giving a hand trumps your need for sleep.

I don’t think I ‘married terribly’ at all. Me and my DS live in beautiful home, I’m able to buy him what he needs without giving it a second thought and as old fashioned as it sounds that’s because of my DH. He works long hours running his business and I would rather take the hit on being tired than him. I had a demanding job before going on maternity leave and I don’t think I could function there being woken up several times a night. (although I do also recognise that some people need to go back to work and so they make it work) I don’t think it means my DH is crap..it just means it works for us. Also if your baby is EBF it’s actually not possible unless you want to express.

the OP has explained her DH has a fairly relaxed job, mine doesn’t. In her case then it may be reasonable to share night time feeds..although she does also say her baby is EBF so not sure how that works.

your generalised view is silly

Introduce some formula feeds - not only will it mean you can share the load a little more, but baby will sleep for longer - you might even get some decent sleep during the day, fingers crossed.

EBF versus mixed with formula makes zero difference - my first baby of four is the only one who wouldn’t BF, now at age 21 he’s super close to me (we speak every day and he picks me up to hug me each time he comes home), he played rugby on the Bath squad and he got straight A*s and is now doing dentistry at uni. So much pressure on new mums - give yourself a break.

Don’t do who’s more tired, and it is harder to go to work and switch brain on with no sleep than it is to stay at home with a newborn (I’ve done both) - plus there’s the danger of falling asleep driving. Look after both of you and baby x

Well as long as you have a beautiful home…that’s what’s important, right?

I have all of that AND a supportive DH. I had a very demanding career that I am now taking a break from to enjoy my DD whilst she is young, but my DH understands that being a SAHM is also a job (and we have a maid so it’s not like I have to do all the housework as well). It is mentally exhausting in a different way, but mentally exhausting nonetheless.

If she wakes in the night, we still deal with it together. We are a team.

OP, you are making a rod for your own back by not allowing your baby to impact your partner’s hobbies. I did that. We now 6 years in and his life has barely changed. I am lucky if he will ‘babysit’ our son twice a year so that I can go to the shops by myself. He once told me that if I wanted to go to look at the shops in a town close to where we’d just move to, I would need to invite his mum along so she could mind DS if I wanted to try something on.

I presume the ebf is a choice. Not sure what the point in him waking up for the nappy changes is or you wanting him to wake up every time you do, if its only you who can feed baby. The football thing is cheeky though, that's parenting time.

Are these replies some sort of joke? OP if he has the energy to play football and you’re running on fumes then this is your answer.. he certainly isn’t doing enough.

people on here “but he works full time waaaaah” yeah ok.. he needs some sleep but women have to work full time and bring children up? Why aren’t men expected to do the same 🤔..

OP he should be helping with the odd nappy change at night (that’s generous can I add!) if it was me and I was ebf I would expect him to wake up and do it unless I was already awake from feeding! Because in between it’s important you get some rest.

when do you get to go and have a hobby and a nice relaxing coffee with friends without baby in toe?.. this really doesn’t sound fair. He should at least be getting up from 6am if that’s when baby wakes so you can restore.

you need to sit down and explain to him that if he doesn’t start helping more then some weeks he will have to miss his football and coffee meet ups etc so you can use that time to catch up on sleep.. this is absolutely ridiculous.

Don’t become the scapegoat parent!! Trust me, it won’t ever end.. it will only get worse as they get older and everything will land on you to sort out, I’ve been there and done it with 5 children! Whilst my ex/husband tried taking the easy route out.. it wasn’t until I sat with my husband to say how alone I felt and that I may aswell be single doing this on my own that he actually thought “shit I best sort myself out”!

you need to be honest.. don’t be a walkover, if your exhausted and he’s got the energy to swan off and play football and meet friends for coffee he’s got the energy to help with nappy changes and getting up earlier to let you rest.

honestly the pathetic replies your getting on here is disgusting and no wonder men treats women so appallingly a lot of the time if this is the standard set! OP I hope you manage to find a solution to this, be honest and firm xx

A maid 😂😂😂 do you live in downtown abbey? You sound completely stuck up on your reply.

Well done on your perfect life….to be honest I don’t find being a SAHM anywhere near as demanding as a full time job.

I sound “stuck up” because I have a maid? You sound incredibly bitter.

I don’t live in the UK. I appreciate maids are not the norm in the UK. My point remains that being a SAHM is still a full time job in itself, even without household chores.

it is not helping

stop perpetuating that men are helping and mums are parenting. Fucks sake. No wonder this shit happens.

I’m not bitter about you having a maid…I’d find that very awkward, but yes probably a UK thing. You sound like you are just trying to let everyone know you have lots of money, a perfect husband etc.

As I said I don’t find it as difficult as working but everyone will have their own experience.

I am not trying to let everyone know I have “lots of money” and “a perfect husband”. I am trying to make the point that there are men out there who will be a lot more supportive than most of the men I read about on these threads.

It sounds to me that you make out being a SAHM is easy because then you “don’t need” his contribution (as you know you won’t get it anyway). Caring for a child, setting up play dates, craft activities, making sure they eat a nutritious diet, playing with them, reading to them, making sure all their clothes fit, making sure they’re up to date with medical appointments, considering school options…is a lot. Mine no longer naps and we limit screen time, so I have a lot of time to fill each day. Different people find different things tough, but it’s a lot easier if you choose someone who values your contribution and sees you as a partner, rather than a slave.

I honestly don’t understand all these posts from people complaining that their partner isn’t doing their fair share through the night/early morning. Surely if he’s going to work it makes sense that you get up and let him sleep then you can sleep when the baby does throughout the day. There’s no way I would have expected my husband to do night feeds/early mornings before going to work, that’s just crazy imo.

Apparently if your partner doesn’t do this then you married wrong…you need to have partner who works full time allowing you to be a SAHM, does 50% of everything with the children (even though you’re the SAHM) on and hires a ‘maid’…..

Exactly, it's ridiculous!

I’ve had three babies and I’ve yet to get one who sleeps anywhere except on me, in the sling, or in a moving pram during the early days. Mine is the same age as the ops and he won’t sleep unless on the boob, in the sling or in a moving pram,
wakes the second he comes off the boob, he is put down at all or the pram stops.
how would you facilitate sleeping while the baby sleeps during the day?! I am managing, so I’m actually fine. By feeding him lying down at night and co sleeping, I’m actually not that sleep deprived. But the ridiculous mantra of sleep when the baby sleeps really pissed me off with the other two. It’s quite frankly the most
ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard!! In my experience with my own, and other babies ive come across it’s absolutely not the norm for a newborn baby to be put down and sleep long enough for the mum to nap too. So that kind of
advice isn’t at all helpful and instead perpetuates the idea that something is wrong with their baby or they are doing something wrong with their baby, when actually their baby is just being a totally normal baby experiencing the fourth trimester!

As have I, both are now grown, I’m also a childminder so have looked after many babies in my time. Babies will sleep wherever you train them to sleep. Time and time again parents tell me that their child will only sleep while being rocked etc, but that’s because they facilitate this. As soon as kids realise that the expectation is different from them, they adjust. My kids never once slept in my bed, weren’t carried in a sling and always slept well in their cot because that is what they knew. You reap what you sow.

I’m also a childminder and have been for many years.
we are talking on this thread about a newborn baby…obviously I think you’ve missed that. Or at least im hoping you have. Because surely you wouldn’t be so cruel as to sleep train a newborn baby.
ive had three kids…I’ve reaped what I’ve sewn, the eldest is 14 😂 middle is 5. My eldest I tried to force like you suggest to sleep elsewhere (once he was past the newborn stage) and he was an extremely anxious child and an absolutely terrible sleeper, even now.
My 5year old who I understood the fourth trimester and carried her in the sling a lot etc is the best sleeper of all of my friends 5 year olds, she’s also extremely secure in herself.
I wouldn’t dream of forcing my newborn to sleep by himself when he has literally just been born, I can’t believe anyone would be that cruel. And you say it almost proudly 😳 I wouldn’t be proud of acting that way personally…

Are you mad? Why is it cruel for a newborn to sleep in their cot? Mine slept in a cot from the day they were born and were just fine.