Partner asked me to get up with baby in the morning

[fellinlovewithawar]

I currently have a 10 week old and EBF which means I’m the one who does all the wake ups in the night. My partner will wake up and sit with me when I do the nappy change, but will then go back to sleep. He does not ever get up when the baby stirs, nor does he do the nappy changes himself. We have a baby who sleeps fairly well with 2-3 wake ups per night, but I’m still up a good 1-2 hours with him overall. My partner will normally get up with him post 6am so I can get some extra rest in before he goes to work at 7:45am. This isn’t always the case, sometimes our LO will sleep later or I’ll manage to get him back to sleep after a feed. This morning he asked me to get up with him. I’d been up at 1:30am to feed him, again at some point after this to soothe him and then at 4:15 - 5:15. At best, I’d had 30 minutes sleep. I told him I cannot function a whole day with a baby with 30 minutes sleep since 4am. His argument was he woke up during the nappy change, so he reckoned he’d only had 30 minutes more than me. I said right, well don’t you think you could give me 30 minutes more, plus the time I’d been up in the night? In the end he agreed to get up, but then made no attempts to move and honestly, I was too angry to sleep by this point. I explained to him I get that he does often get up at 6am, but I get up throughout the night EVERY night. I have to wake myself up, then struggle to get back to sleep while he can stay in a semi-conscious state.

He's supposed to go to football at 9pm tonight, and often he will play games around 8pm which leaves me putting our baby to bed alone. It’s not usually an issue as he does these morning wake ups, but today I felt like there was just no understanding of how difficult it is to last a whole day on the amount of sleep I’d had this morning. Our baby will not nap in the crib in the daytime, so it’s usually contact naps or occasionally on our bed/in his rocker. I’ve said to my partner that I’m not looking after our baby tonight, so he’ll have to miss football. He said no, and I told him he’d have to as someone needs to look after him. I’ve told him he’s going to have to get our LO up at every wake up and change his nappy if he needs it. I’m tempted to ask him to stay up with me during every breastfeed too just so he understands how exhausting it can be. I don’t get a break like he does, in any sense.

AIBU?

Why is anyone getting up for a nighttime nappy change? Unless it's a pooey one, disposable nappies are designed to keep a dry layer next to the skin so a wee or two is fine until morning. Don't make unnecessary work for yourself!

And hopefully the SC are not down to you to care, clean, launder, cook, entertain etc. That's the parent's job!

Nappy capacity is not one size fits(holds) all.
My DS was eating like a calf. No nappy in the world could hold it if it was fit to his waist. You cannot put size 5 on a 2m old baby, it will leak everywhere.
DD was eating normally and almost never had issues with nappy.

Back to OPs post.

• DH needs to start sleeping through nappy change. Earpluggs, sofa, something.
• You need to go to another bed/sofa if it exists and sleep at least for 2h uninterrupted in the morning.

-If DH got hobby time you need SAME amount of time in a week to do whatever you like. As baby is EBF it can be sliced in smaller chunks. Do not give that time away. -Depending on you going back to work after mat leave plan for express bottle feed/training baby if it accepts to no night feeds or plan for having night feeds during week and DH having baby for 4h each day of the weekend daytime so you can accumulate sleep during day. Also, do not give up on this.

@CocoBellaSparkle Do you realise the baby is 10 weeks old, not 10 months? Putting a 10 week old in nursery is such a sad thought.

@saffy2 How do you manage to sleep knowing you're willingly putting your baby's life at risk?

Do you know what is batshit? Women competing with each other to be the best wife/maid/mother! Do you want a medal for doing every night?

Some of these posts are horrific! I feel like I've been transported back to 1940 where women kept their mouths shut and did everything when it comes to the home and children and the man can sleep uninterrupted/go to the pub/do hobbies/relax whenever he wants to because he's a man.

Such bullshit.

OP, I feel your pain. Sleep deprivation is horrific and I fully understand why it is used as a torture method.

I think as others have said, you need a routine for your sleep. A solid one. Dad needs to get up at the agreed time if you are EBF and doing all night.

People forget that being a Mum is a full time job plus some. I used to laugh at anyone telling me to sleep when the baby sleeps. It was my only chance to eat, wash my clothes or actually put a brush through my hair.

Both of you need sleep, it doesn't matter how you do it, where or when as long as you are both sleeping a solid few hours.

My DD is 11 months now and sleeps 7:30-7 but I don't think that feeling of sleep deprivation will ever leave me, I can remember it vividly. It will pass xxx

I’d totally make him stay up and do something productive for the full time you’re up with baby. Then leave him with baby allll day (popping back in to feed) and see if he understands then.

yes you’re both tired, but why do you have to be understanding and him not??

YANBU.

He's taking the piss with his football and "sitting with you during the nappy changes".

Do you need an official observer?
Company?

WTF is wrong with some men???

Oh stop with the silly drama.

I have an EBF 5 week old baby too OP. My DH done the nappies at night whilst I was recovering and had stitches, he done it so I wasn’t needlessly getting up and out of bed. Now I’m recovered he sleeps at night, I from after one breast and feed off the other, in the morning DH gets up for work, does nappy/clothes change then gives him 3oz of expressed milk whilst I get a longer stretch of sleep. Whilst he’s sorting baby he sorts clothes for our toddler for the morning too then leaves for work early AM. At the weekend he does the same and only wakes me if baby needs a feed from me. Would your baby take a bottle of expressed milk so you could get a longer stretch of solid sleep in the morning?

Why is he getting up if he’s not changing nappies? It’s hard when you’re EBF and doing all the night time shifts. My DP used to take the baby every weekend morning so I had a lie in. This worked for us - I didn’t see the point us both being knackered when he could be relatively rested in the week having to go to work and all.

The first weeks are so hard. I remember being up with DD all night trying to get her to feed and wind. I had been told to feed her every 3 hours and it was breaking me so by about week 9 we introduced a new regime. I mixed fed anyway as DD was underweight (boob followed by formula bottle) but for the 2 am feed DH did it, so just bottle obvs, and this worked really well for us. He's a night owl, I'm fine in the mornings providing I got the core hours in the night. It doesn't matter who does what but splitting it up so you each get a decent amount of sleep really helps.

If I was to give one bit of advice that would be to try and get little one to settle in the cot during the day. I found letting them have a little playtime in there helps so whilst you're having a shower or going to the loo pop them in with no expectation of sleep just to get them used to it. Little short sessions in a safe place. I had some soft contrast books that I would prop up and a mobile that would hold their attention. Obviously if you want to continue with contact napping then do but it helped me to have a little break.

Oh and I changed nappies at every feed.

I’ll probably get shot down in flames for this but here we go….I’m on maternity leave and my partner works full time. I am taking extended maternity where I will not be bringing any money into the household so it is on him to do so. In this respect I see it as reasonable for me to be up at night because I am not getting up in the morning to go to work and support anyone financially. My baby is also EBF and honestly my Carter has done 0 nights or mornings before he has gone to work and I don’t think that’s unreasonable.

what he does do is have the baby for a couple of hours in the evening so I can go to the gym. In the very days when I was getting no sleep this time was used to sleep not gym.

You need some catch up sleep and some support but you need to structure it in a way that allows him to still be able to function at work. It makes no sense for you both to be knackered.

If you can learn to lie down breastfeeding in bed and co - sleep safely at the same time then it will change all of this and you can nap when baby naps in the day and start to feel human again.

https://www.lullabytrust.org.uk/safer-sleep-advice/co-sleeping/

I would expect you to be a little unreasonable as a sleep deprived mother of a 10 week old! It's good to have a rant and get it off your chest. It sounds like you both are doing your very best, but the little things are going to be magnified at the minute and you both have to find your groove. I think it is sweet that he has sat up for the nappy changes and I'm sure you have had lovely moments bonding as parents and with your little guy.
Once he gets a little older and you feel comfortable co sleeping it will be a game changer. In the mean time you will just keep on muddling through doing your best.

DH did nappy changes at night, unless his job is air traffic controller or driving for long hours you can share it. I can’t sleep during daylight hours so Dh used to pitch in at night during the week and then have a few naps at the weekend. It was hard both of us but we managed. Thank god DH wasn’t so precious about getting uninterrupted sleep because this goes on for years not just over maternity leave. If you set the tone for only one of you getting up theres a good chance you will be stuck with it forever.

How many times have mums managed with barely any sleep, working and a huge load men are not so fragile that they can’t cope.

I’m going to add no-one reasonable would think it’s ok for one of you to be completely sleep deprived so you can barely see straight while the other one is well rested. It’s just not on, parenting is a joint project. Yes crying babies wake you up but he doesn’t have to get up does he. If he’s not doing anything useful he can stay lying down.

My h used to bring baby to me, doze or chat while I fed baby, change him if needs be, wind him and put him back to bed. All his choice. None of this counting who has had the least sleep. There needs to be less resentment on both sides and more understanding from him.

Actually you need good sleep to support breast milk supply.....so it's in husband's interest to help you sleep. Otherwise if you have to bottle feed he can be nominated to do half the feeds!!
My DC liked contact sleep........is it worth trying a sleep in a pram/pushchair - particularly as the weather improves? Worked well for us - can then rest or sleep nearby......

As a father who could change a nappy it is incomprehensible to me why he can't change the nappy if he is awake anyway and the baby's fed. And he doesn't need an official witness!

I’m tempted to ask him to stay up with me during every breastfeed too just so he understands how exhausting it can be.

Why on earth would you do that? What’s the point of depriving him of sleep when he needs to be at work in the morning? He needs to knock on the head being awake for the nappy changes too, there’s no point in him losing sleep. I wouldn’t make him get up with the baby in the morning either. He has to go to work! You can rest when the baby does. YABU.

You've written my thoughts exactly 👍

Again another sensible post. I couldn't do this to DH knowing he was working full time when I could put my feet up & rest through the day any time I felt like it.

No hobbies in the first 6 months! He has a duty to you and the baby.

Do you get hobbies op?

Separate rooms

Bigger nappies

one morning off each at the weekend

Its like a relay race, you are exhausted and if you don’t get sleep you will turn on each other.

It’s not forever. Good luck x