Partner asked me to get up with baby in the morning

[fellinlovewithawar]

I currently have a 10 week old and EBF which means I’m the one who does all the wake ups in the night. My partner will wake up and sit with me when I do the nappy change, but will then go back to sleep. He does not ever get up when the baby stirs, nor does he do the nappy changes himself. We have a baby who sleeps fairly well with 2-3 wake ups per night, but I’m still up a good 1-2 hours with him overall. My partner will normally get up with him post 6am so I can get some extra rest in before he goes to work at 7:45am. This isn’t always the case, sometimes our LO will sleep later or I’ll manage to get him back to sleep after a feed. This morning he asked me to get up with him. I’d been up at 1:30am to feed him, again at some point after this to soothe him and then at 4:15 - 5:15. At best, I’d had 30 minutes sleep. I told him I cannot function a whole day with a baby with 30 minutes sleep since 4am. His argument was he woke up during the nappy change, so he reckoned he’d only had 30 minutes more than me. I said right, well don’t you think you could give me 30 minutes more, plus the time I’d been up in the night? In the end he agreed to get up, but then made no attempts to move and honestly, I was too angry to sleep by this point. I explained to him I get that he does often get up at 6am, but I get up throughout the night EVERY night. I have to wake myself up, then struggle to get back to sleep while he can stay in a semi-conscious state.

He's supposed to go to football at 9pm tonight, and often he will play games around 8pm which leaves me putting our baby to bed alone. It’s not usually an issue as he does these morning wake ups, but today I felt like there was just no understanding of how difficult it is to last a whole day on the amount of sleep I’d had this morning. Our baby will not nap in the crib in the daytime, so it’s usually contact naps or occasionally on our bed/in his rocker. I’ve said to my partner that I’m not looking after our baby tonight, so he’ll have to miss football. He said no, and I told him he’d have to as someone needs to look after him. I’ve told him he’s going to have to get our LO up at every wake up and change his nappy if he needs it. I’m tempted to ask him to stay up with me during every breastfeed too just so he understands how exhausting it can be. I don’t get a break like he does, in any sense.

AIBU?

Taking turns seems crazy, as no-one gets enough sleep. I used to do the night, and my husband did the early morning feed/nappy change before he started work.

YABU. There’s not much he can do if you are EBF and he’s going to work, you are punishing him for not having boobs! There’s no point you both being tired.

Sounds like you are severely sleep deprived which is not good for anyone. you need to somehow catch up by getting some daytime sleep. Have you got the carrycot attachment for your pram? If you have try pushing the baby out in the pram until they fall asleep and then carry the carrycot part in side so you can also have a nap?

Gosh I remember being so tired I drive round the block until LO nodded off and then fall asleep in the car on the drive for half an hour, anything for a bit more sleep!

it gets easier, hang in there!

Are you even a mum? & did you read the post? She'd been up multiple times already before 4am & then had managed a max of 30mins after that. That isnt enough sleep to function on. I collapsed due to severe sleep deprivation as it isn't good to live on, nevermind being soely responsible for keeping a baby alive all day (to then have to do the evening as he's prioritising himself is something else quite frankly). She's also stated she doesnt ask him to get up for nappy changes, he chooses to do that despite it being useless to her as he doesnt even do them himself. What i think its unfair is that he gets up, doesnt help with anything, then goes straight back to sleep & then claims that he's exhausted too as 'he got up'. Thats absolutely useless to everyone. And you were simply unkind to a mum struggling with sleep, & an inbalance of hormomes, like most of us are/have been through.

Ebf a young baby is absolutely exhausting and you have my every sympathy but you are going to bed far too late. If you are awake twice during the night for an hour each time then you need to aim to be in bed for AT LEAST 10 hours. I was going doing the “last” feed at around 7pm, having a quick snack and maybe a 25min tv programme to wind down, and in bed by 8pm. At 10 weeks mine were probably waking up at around midnight and again at around 5/6am (youngest is 14 so I might be off a bit). I hated that stage because if I wake up at 5 I find it really hard to get back to sleep. I fed about 6:30- 7am no matter what time they woke up during the night because one of the things with sleep is to try and do as many feeds as is reasonable during your own waking hours so they can time their longer stretch of sleep for your sleeping hours.
If you could be arsed the most beneficial (in terms of your and DHs sleep) thing would be for you to express so dh can give a bottle at 10-11pm and settle baby before he sleeps so you can sleep from 8ish until the next night feed (4-6am) which is ages and DH can sleep from 11ish until 7ish.
Expressing is work though, and you may feel uncomfortable without that last feed and wake with sore boobs anyway. Don’t stay up all of the day and go to bed at 10:30. You will be knackered. In another month or so it will all be so much easier.

He needs to prioritise sleep during the night, so he can get up in the morning to allow you to catch up on sleep from doing all the night feeds. So for dh and I, this meant for a time, we slept separately. Me and baby in our bedroom and dh somewhere else - spare room, sofa, whatever. It meant I was waking up for the feeds, and dh got enough sleep during the night that he could get up for the day at 5/6am to take over while I then got the last bit of sleep.

This will also likely mean going to bed early. So if football or whatever is meaning he is not getting to bed in time to get enough sleep to cope with early morning parenting, he needs to come home and go to bed instead of playing football or whatever. This stage of having a baby and needing to trade off so everyone gets enough sleep to function is short and temporary. Other things need to be put on hold and then picked back up when life is easier and everyone is better rested.

“The BS on this thread about a working person being completely unable to cope with disrupted sleep whilst the new mother on mat leave is expected to exhaust herself is depressing and misogynistic. It's usually peddled by people that had relatively easy babies, could nap in the daytime and generally don't understand the level of exhaustion that some babies cause.”

Exactly. I’m baffled at some of these ‘poor man’ responses. Internalised misogyny. God forbid we inconvenience men in the unimportant work of nurturing their offspring…🙄

Funny how men like this can be good team players on the football pitch with their blokey mates, but not at home with their exhausted wife.

You’re not working as a team here, whilst one is feeding the other should be allowed to sleep, then the other should allow the feeder to sleep to catch up. Having 2 tired parents serves no one. Why are you not sleeping in the day? If you put the baby down in bed & you go to bed you might find you both sleep. Don’t have the baby in bed with you. If you are struggling can you ask a friend or relative for help to sit with the baby whilst you catch up on sleep. You will find good sleep makes everything better. Speak to your health visitor if you are struggling.best of luck

There's really no point him waking in the night to watch you change a nappy. Learn to breastfeed lying down and snooze whilst feeding, keep baby close so you're not getting out of bed each time baby wakes. Then your partner can look after the baby for an hour or so in the morning, and again when they get home from work for a few hours, so that you can shower, chill, nap, etc. But honestly waking him at night is counterproductive.

Thank you. I’m actually in disbelief at some of these comments. By all means, tell me if I’m being unreasonable and suggest ways to help, but there’s no need for the sheer nastiness from some people. I shouldn’t have to defend myself, but I wrote a frustrated post when at 6am when I was sleep-deprived. My partner is usually great, but he doesn’t have the same expectations set of him as I do. He has the luxury of deciding not to get up. I don’t get to tell my LO that I’m too tired when he starts whinging for a feed. If I could sleep when baby slept, I would. I don’t choose to walk around feeling exhausted. I don’t understand the attitude that because the woman isn’t working she’s expected to completely drain herself so her partner can go to work well rested. Being a Mum is more than a full-time job. For those who say I should go to bed earlier, I do. The majority of the time, I go to sleep as soon as I put my LO down. Sometimes, I will stay up and watch and episode of something to spend time with my partner, or actually have some ‘me’ time. My partner usually says it’s too early to sleep and will often stay up late playing games. If this means he’s too tired in the morning, surely that’s not on me. For those who keep telling me not to change my baby’s nappy in the night, I can assure you I don’t do it for the fun of it. It’s much easier to change a nappy than to deal with a whole outfit change when he’s leaked through, or the nappy rash because he’s been sat in his own poo all night. My baby is not your baby. For those who decide to shame me because they have other children and still manage, good for you. I have two young stepchildren half of the time whilst trying to navigate being a FTM, but I don’t feel the need to brag about it.

Although the majority of the comments have been really helpful, and my partner and I have now come up with a plan, it’s actually really disheartening to see how judgmental and unsupportive some people can be towards other parents. At a time when women struggle with things like PPA, or PPD, these sorts of comments could really make someone feel like they’re not doing a good enough job.

Do you have the step kids when he is doing his hobby? How much parenting of them does he do @fellinlovewithawar

I've not read all the comments but can't believe how much I have read "partner works, let him sleep". Wtaf do those posters think op is doing all day??? Having a nice lazy day with her feet up watching Netflix?! Staying at home with baby, same thing, same four walls, baby won't go down for a nap ON TOP of being stay at home mum of a newborn IS work. Without the change of scenery or company of colleagues.

Anywho, off my soap box.

What I DO agree with is that you're both exhausted and adjusting to a new way of life and living. I agree nappy changes unless a poo or won't settle don't need changing overnight. I do agree there's no point your partner being up overnight if you're EBF and haven't got expressed milk to give. EBF is HARD and unless you've done it, noone, not even your partner, can understand the implications of this.

My advice would be the same as I've seen in some PPs: go to bed at 8, leave baby with dad until night time feed, where he's brought in to you to feed and dad then settles baby in the cot. Yes you're disturbed but you're still in bed. Then you do the night shift, he does early morning. And more importantly, he needs to take the baby off you (if you want) as soon as he gets in.

Good luck, I promise it gets easier and my inbox is open if you want to DM me. You've got this xxx

@fellinlovewithawar just read your latest reply (still not read all the comments but seeing your reply tells me I don't want to). Regarding the nappy leaking, the theory is they shouldn't leak wee overnight, they should be big enough to hold it until morning (the nappy, not the baby lols). What we found with our baby was that they were ready to go up a size without us realising it. Another option is to try a different brand at nighttime.

Sorry if you've tried/know all this already and I'm teaching you to suck eggs.

Glad to see you've come up with a plan xxxx

I feel like a good compromise here would be for you to sleep in separate rooms 1-2 nights a week each. You’d have to express to do it, but if 2 nights a week (work nights) your partner took the late shift and got baby settled into bed after a bottle at bedtime, then sleeps in a different room he can get a good rest. Then on the weekend, you do late shift by BFing baby, then sleep in a separate room and let him wake to do nappy changes/feeds during the night. You both get 2 full nights sleep that way.

Ebf is difficult but immensely rewarding. I too had a contact napper and to begin with a contact sleeper full stop.

After 10 weeks I put a single bed in DDs room and I slept in there. Nights were my responsibility - I'd out him to bed then go to bed myself in DDs room. I'd wake/feed/change/sleep in his room until 4am.

At 4am I'd go to my real bedroom and DH would take over DS. I'd then get a solid 4 hours sleep before DH started work (sometimes 3 if DS was crying for a feed).

DO you have a room you and your little one could move into? It's silly your OH being woken up for no reason. Yes he's not stating up but broken sleep is awful in whatever form. Sounds like you guys need to work out an alternative arrangement to the current one as its making you both cranky.

Remember this phase doesn't last forever! And the added bonus of you sleeping in baby's room is its less of a transition for baby when they move to their own room without you at 6 months as they're already in theor own room!

OP - your reply is just as horrible as this posters comment! Mentioning her children isn’t very appropriate imo!

Could you not put LO in a nursery one or two days a week? As it sounds you’re not coping too well on your own.. or a family member? What’s the longest LO will nap in the day? Only from 6am til way after 8pm sounds like a very long day for a baby not to have a nap.. could you speak to your GP or health care worker for some advice ? About getting LO in a routine to sleep so you can have cat naps ..

@CocoBellaSparkle I was trying to make the point that I can’t judge her parenting style from one comment, just as she can’t judge my relationship from one post! It might not have come across the right way though…

My LO naps, just mostly on me or in places I can’t leave him unattended in. He hates daytime naps in his crib. We’re working on it but for now I have to try get as much sleep as I can in at night.

I think you need to sleep separately for a while so one of you gets an unbroken sleep and can then relieve the other to facilitate sleep. No point you both having broken sleep.

It really bugs me when people put more value on the person whos in the paid job! Are other people’s lives in your husband’s hands while he’s at work? Does he have another human 100% dependant on him to stay alive? Why do people think that you should have less sleep just because you’re not doing a paid job? Looking after a newborn is a difficult 24/7 thankless job. I take my hat off to single parents! Not a clue how they do it! They must be exhausted! You wouldn’t allow your child to be looked after by a childcare provider that said they’d only had a few hours of sleep & was delirious with exhaustion so why do people thing it’s ok for mum (primary carer) to do it. Set some proper time schedules so you can both maximise sleep.

I feel for you. I really struggled with the lack of sleep and adult company. The lack of sleep and energy made it hard.

It does get better as they get older but it’s tough at the newborn stage.

My thoughts on this

• where baby is bottle fed, or we take a bottle, then I think nights should be shared/alternated. That's what we did with my first and neither of us were tired. And I don't mean mum has to give up her evening by sleeping, whilst dad watches films but taking it in turns to get to sleep in the middle of the night! Its incredibly sexist to expect women to be in their knees with exhaustion to ensure that men aren't a bit tired 🙄
• if EBF and if baby won't take bottle, then tough luck, it's all on mum! This was me and my second (not deliberately). In that case, there's no point dad being up for solidarity, but he can absolutely do every morning and take as much pressure off you in other ways.
• don't assume this is a short term problem, and things will get better for sleep imminently. If they do, fab. But don't use that hope as a reason to not come up with a solution now. Most babies I know were still waking a couple of times a night well into toddlerhood of beyond.
• that being said, 5.5 hours with a young baby - I'd take that. That (broken) would have been a great night for the first few years of my youngest 's life, and even now (aged 5, some disabilities), it's about average. Optimistically.

Agree with PPs that sleep for either parent is absolutely key! Both getting up seems crazy!

I was home while DH was back at work after two weeks, so it made sense that he got some sleep before doing a manual and potentially dangerous job. I bottle fed so we had a four hourly routine which was obviously quite nice - but I slept in DCs room and let DH get some rest before driving to work. I know EBF babies wake more, and all situations vary - but I can't imagine a scenario where both parents should lose sleep if they don't need to.

But your DH really needs to step up in the evenings - football does not take precedence over a newborn and an exhausted Mum! Read him the riot act now!

I think all parents have these rows about who is most tired and who gets to sleep in, who had the most/least sleep at some point in the early years. Agree with everyone who has said why is your DH waking up for a nappy change? Seems silly let him sleep all night - in another room if necessary - on the proviso you get to rest in the mornings. It is exhausting ebfeeding in these early weeks and months, but does get easier over time.

I have a EBF 4 week old. My partner is sleeping downstairs, baby is in bed with me and I feed him lying down and just swap us from side to side, latch him and go back to sleep. It’s way easier. He’s my third and I wish I’d done it this way with the others.
this way also my partner is able to be awake for the others during the day but also in the night (doesn’t happen often but has been known) without disturbing me and baby.
i don’t change nappies during the night unless it’s a poo 👀😂

My Dh takes baby for two hours every morning whether baby is asleep or not so I get some uninterrupted sleep. If he's asleep he sleeps on DH, if he's awake they play. DH gets DS1 off to school and brings me DS2 back and more often than not DS goes to sleep for another little while. DH never does any night wakings and never has but this way he can go to work clear-headed and I can function. Could you do this? Less than two hours is a lot less helpful imo, I think it must get me some REM sleep or something.

(I co-sleep and BF so baby can keep me awake sometimes if sleeping restlessly. Payoff is easier to get him back to sleep after a wake.)