Partner asked me to get up with baby in the morning

[fellinlovewithawar]

I currently have a 10 week old and EBF which means I’m the one who does all the wake ups in the night. My partner will wake up and sit with me when I do the nappy change, but will then go back to sleep. He does not ever get up when the baby stirs, nor does he do the nappy changes himself. We have a baby who sleeps fairly well with 2-3 wake ups per night, but I’m still up a good 1-2 hours with him overall. My partner will normally get up with him post 6am so I can get some extra rest in before he goes to work at 7:45am. This isn’t always the case, sometimes our LO will sleep later or I’ll manage to get him back to sleep after a feed. This morning he asked me to get up with him. I’d been up at 1:30am to feed him, again at some point after this to soothe him and then at 4:15 - 5:15. At best, I’d had 30 minutes sleep. I told him I cannot function a whole day with a baby with 30 minutes sleep since 4am. His argument was he woke up during the nappy change, so he reckoned he’d only had 30 minutes more than me. I said right, well don’t you think you could give me 30 minutes more, plus the time I’d been up in the night? In the end he agreed to get up, but then made no attempts to move and honestly, I was too angry to sleep by this point. I explained to him I get that he does often get up at 6am, but I get up throughout the night EVERY night. I have to wake myself up, then struggle to get back to sleep while he can stay in a semi-conscious state.

He's supposed to go to football at 9pm tonight, and often he will play games around 8pm which leaves me putting our baby to bed alone. It’s not usually an issue as he does these morning wake ups, but today I felt like there was just no understanding of how difficult it is to last a whole day on the amount of sleep I’d had this morning. Our baby will not nap in the crib in the daytime, so it’s usually contact naps or occasionally on our bed/in his rocker. I’ve said to my partner that I’m not looking after our baby tonight, so he’ll have to miss football. He said no, and I told him he’d have to as someone needs to look after him. I’ve told him he’s going to have to get our LO up at every wake up and change his nappy if he needs it. I’m tempted to ask him to stay up with me during every breastfeed too just so he understands how exhausting it can be. I don’t get a break like he does, in any sense.

AIBU?

He doesn't need to get up to watch you nappy change.

30mins sleep from 4am sounds good to me. I'm lucky my baby has always been a brilliant sleeper but most of my friends 1 year olds are up for the day at 4.30! One of my friends is pregnant with number two and up at 4.30 everyday.

Also if your baby only naps on your, co nap on your bed together safely. That's what I did. Id get around three hours in the day napping together

Ugh OP I cannot bear to read these posts that suggest two people weren’t involved in making a baby. Sleep is so incredibly important. Unless your DH is a brain surgeon or operating heavy machinery or doing some that that involves life or death there is no reason why this cannot be shared fairly. You are doing a JOB looking after the baby in the day. And bloody hell DH should be dropped/pausing evening hobbies whilst you have a 10 week old. It’s so easy to fall into this pattern when it’s a first baby but take it from me, you need to establish as early as possible that this is a shared responsibility. Even if you are EBF it does not mean you should be surviving non severely less sleep than your DH.

OP, when my twins were newborns they were bottle fed so nights were on us both. We’d both get up, feed one each, change nappy if needed, lather rinse repeat. Lord, did he know how hard it was! But - it caused relationship issues. I’d be so jealous of him as he left for ‘peace’ at work, he was jealous he had to function at work while I ‘chilled out’ at home with the babies. We got competitive (‘mine fed so much longer, you got more sleep!!’) and it nearly broke us.

There’s no way around it being hard - we ended up having relationship counselling and it was amazing and reminded us we need to be a team. Work together, set clear expectations. I know people have suggested similar but try and do the same! Newborns absolutely rock your world but stick together as a team, try not to feel jealous of things the other cannot change and set really clear roles for each other to survive it. Good luck!

Why is he getting up to do nappy changes just to sit there? Popular opinion but if he is working, particularly if he needs to drive to get there and you are EBF I would just do all night wake ups. We did this and it worked well, I co-slept so baby latched on and then went straight back to sleep, it worked quite well. Also, unless they poo (which is possible!) I didnt tend to touch the nappy during in the night, certainly not multiple changes. Apologies if you have a baby who poos a lot in the night though!

You didn't even mention whether or not he had a job to go to every day. And put your baby in its crib and have a lie down during the day. Even for half an hour. Ignore the crying if the baby has been fed and changed.

This was exactly my thoughts when I mentioned I was happy for DH to have undisturbed sleep through the night if possible. He had an hour & a half drive to work on the motorway there & back then a responsible job involving peoples lives. There was no way I was allowing him to be up half the night with that responsibility. I am not ashamed to say I did the vast majority of child care although DH willingly helped when required. It worked for us and no I didn't fel like a 1950s handmaiden. We both shared the responsibility of the children although child care was my main job and his was his.

I did the same. With the nappy I change them before bed, then they normally wake up at 2/3 so I’d just have a smell and if all good I wouldn’t bother.

Lol. “Sleep when the baby sleeps.” I’ve never had a daytime nap. Not every baby sleeps in the day and that’s ok.

Waking at night is developmental and helps to prevent sids. Op your baby is doing good stretches at night and not too many wake ups so don’t let people pressure you into sleep training.

Don’t be pressured into cos keeping either. There are guidelines that can be followed to make co sleeping SAFER but it is still not actually SAFE and risk free as some will make out. It is a choice many make because it works for them and some women sleep better that way and that’s fine. But if you don’t want to be pressured into taking a risk with your newborn that’s fine too.

Everything you are doing with the baby is correct. Babies are knackering. It will get better as they grow and develop.

The only problem you have is your husband. He needs to stay in bed during nappy change so he can’t use that as an excuse. He either consistently does some time in the morning or he has to sacrifice his leisure time playing football in the evenings just as you sacrifice all your leisure time for his child.

@mathanxiety Would you say that to the mother whose baby died from asphyxiation due to unsafe co-sleeping?

The bonkers thing is that when when women return from maternity leave, they still often do all the night wakings (which are often just as numerous as they were when baby was a newborn). Often because the woman is used to it, or because the men say they find it harder, or the baby is so used to mum that it cries if it's dad, or baby is breastfed. And yet we suck it up and get on with it.

Somehow it's possible for women to work with disrupted sleep, but we couldn't possibly ask that of the men.

Must be their magical penises which absorb most of their energy 🙄

Strangely, when we shared the night feeds equally irrespective of who was at work, no one was dangerously tired. No one was even 'very' tired. It was totally manageable.

I'm breastfeeding and have just started doing bits of work so we've agreed my husband gets up with the two little ones any time from 6am so I sleep until 8am. I find this makes it manageable as the baby is old enough that bar a rough night only asks for milk twice a night now so I do the night feeds but my husband does any additional wake ups and resettling where baby doesn't sign/cry for milk. We're both equally tired this way on the days we're both working!

How old are the two step kids, do they have to wake you all up at 6? Or are they old enough to ask them to stay in their bedrooms quietly until later?

You're quite right to tell him to miss his football tonight and going forward the two of you need to work out a system where you BOTH get a break to do the things you like. If he's playing football 2 hours a week and gaming 6 hours a week, then he needs to work out when you get 8 hours to do your hobbies!

Looks as though you're a bit behind with the latest research. The NHS advice for professionals is now to advise parents how to safely bedshare as the evidence suggests that safe bedsharing is just as safe as cot sleeping, and the benefits of longer duration of breastfeeding outweigh the risks.

I breastfeed and in the early months I done it all makes no sense us both being awake I HAVE to be awake to feed the baby anyway , I then started expressing so dad could take early mornings on a weekend or whenever .
Tell him to put ear plugs in so he gets a full night's sleep then he can take baby until they are due another feed

Absolutely no worries. I have PPD, and a partner that works fulltime (is gone 50ish hours a week) and a 7month old puppy. Its hard, and I'm lucky, I formula feed & my baby sleeps well quite frankly. And yet I'm still exhausted 24/7, because 'sleep when baby sleeps' just isnt realistic. Maybe you'll get a nap in but my baby wants a bottle every 2 hours. So by the time he's put down & then i fall asleep properly, he's awake again. And I still have a puppy to look after, the never ending mountain of washing to do, the bottles to clean & sterilise, the need to eat & drink, its simply ridiculous, and the mum shaming is appalling quite frankly. I'm lucky I have a partner who gets up to do the morning feeds (we take turns) and helps with it all when hes home, but not everybody is. I am so glad you & your partner have come up with a plan, and I really hope you start to get more sleep & feel better soon Xx

I'm lucky I have a partner who gets up to do the morning feeds (we take turns) and helps with it all when hes home, but not everybody is.

This isn't lucky. This (not actually that high) level of help is the absolute minimum that anyone should expect. Can you imagine any man calling himself lucky because his partner alternates a morning feed and 'helps' at home?

I'm glad he is at least doing this, but honestly who do we set the bar so low for dads?

@MrsSunshine2b https://www.nhs.uk/start-for-life/baby/baby-basics/newborn-and-baby-sleeping-advice-for-parents/safe-sleep-advice-for-babies/

'The safest place for your baby to sleep for the first 6 months is in a cot, lying on their back, in the same room as you.'

Whilst you're still in the newborn phase, ask him to sleep elsewhere to get interrupted sleep, but get up at an agreed time so you can rest.

I found nappy on the bed with my face at the same level as there's a good way to have a nap without having to actually hold them.

It would probably help if mothers stopped thinking their husbands were "helping" when doing child care for their own children. It's called parenting! Not a single mother is ever told to help or she is helping when she is caring for her own children.

There is such a thing as emotional support. When my DD was 10 weeks old, my DH was sleeping in shifts with me and feeding pumped milk. As she got older, we got up together EVERY time. I wasn’t going to be letting him stay in bed while I did everything! Why should I? Also, he didn’t want to leave me to do it alone. He’s not a complete waste of space like a lot of husbands on here!

I don't think wanting to let your husband sleep as he can't do much at that moment and you don't need the company or support in that moment is anything to be knocked for.

https://www.unicef.org.uk/babyfriendly/baby-friendly-resources/sleep-and-night-time-resources/co-sleeping-and-sids/ the NHS now follows the guidance set out by UNICEF, advising that co-sleeping on separate surfaces is the lowest risk option but bed-sharing can also be a safe alternative when all guidelines are followed, and can be the best option when it leads to better sleep for everyone. Let's not forget the risk posed by exhausted parents of falling asleep in a chair/on a sofa or in an unsafe bed.