Partner asked me to get up with baby in the morning

[fellinlovewithawar]

I currently have a 10 week old and EBF which means I’m the one who does all the wake ups in the night. My partner will wake up and sit with me when I do the nappy change, but will then go back to sleep. He does not ever get up when the baby stirs, nor does he do the nappy changes himself. We have a baby who sleeps fairly well with 2-3 wake ups per night, but I’m still up a good 1-2 hours with him overall. My partner will normally get up with him post 6am so I can get some extra rest in before he goes to work at 7:45am. This isn’t always the case, sometimes our LO will sleep later or I’ll manage to get him back to sleep after a feed. This morning he asked me to get up with him. I’d been up at 1:30am to feed him, again at some point after this to soothe him and then at 4:15 - 5:15. At best, I’d had 30 minutes sleep. I told him I cannot function a whole day with a baby with 30 minutes sleep since 4am. His argument was he woke up during the nappy change, so he reckoned he’d only had 30 minutes more than me. I said right, well don’t you think you could give me 30 minutes more, plus the time I’d been up in the night? In the end he agreed to get up, but then made no attempts to move and honestly, I was too angry to sleep by this point. I explained to him I get that he does often get up at 6am, but I get up throughout the night EVERY night. I have to wake myself up, then struggle to get back to sleep while he can stay in a semi-conscious state.

He's supposed to go to football at 9pm tonight, and often he will play games around 8pm which leaves me putting our baby to bed alone. It’s not usually an issue as he does these morning wake ups, but today I felt like there was just no understanding of how difficult it is to last a whole day on the amount of sleep I’d had this morning. Our baby will not nap in the crib in the daytime, so it’s usually contact naps or occasionally on our bed/in his rocker. I’ve said to my partner that I’m not looking after our baby tonight, so he’ll have to miss football. He said no, and I told him he’d have to as someone needs to look after him. I’ve told him he’s going to have to get our LO up at every wake up and change his nappy if he needs it. I’m tempted to ask him to stay up with me during every breastfeed too just so he understands how exhausting it can be. I don’t get a break like he does, in any sense.

AIBU?

Having had a husband who did nearly all the night time nappy changes because I was breastfeeding a hungry baby, and we got up first with the baby most mornings I had no idea this was seen as a bad thing!

Unless your husband/partner is doing brain surgery there is nothing wrong with them parenting in the night or early morning.

I know lots of couples who did this, at least some of the time, and actually it worked well for them - she would get up and feed baby. Then pass off to her DH to change/settle.

But it only works if both are able to sleep through the disruption AND fall back to sleep quickly/easily. Also if the baby settles relatively easily.

LIke most people on this thread, I tended to do the middle of the night and DH would do the late evening and early morning - so he generally got about 6 hours consecutive sleep. Mine was more broken but I'd get some solid sleep from around 9:30-1am or so, and then from about 5am to 8am when he left for work.

But both being up at the same time on a reglar basis IS crazy.

We were also lucky as we had a sort of very small spare room with a bed. So it wasn't unusual for one of us to sleep there, with or without a baby.

I did all the night shifts.. at 7am ish my partner would be on shift until it was boob-o'clock again. There was no point is both being knackered.
We slept in separate rooms so he sleep better.
I also used to go to bed at 8pm, the baby would sleep in a moses basket downstairs with my other half, so I got 2hrs undisturbed.
When we had more kids we still had this system.

I had three in three years and thoroughly endorse this. It meant I could sleep or at least be off duty between 7:30pm and 11pm.

I don't want someone sitting up with me while I breast feed/change nappies. The name of the game is to maximise sleep for everyone

However its the sleep interruption in itself that is super tiring.

tell him to sleep through the night so he can do early mornings. It will be much better for both of you

and congratulations on your baby! X

What a whiny, petty relationship. How sad.

Thank you for your input, how you managed to pin us down like that from one post is amazing! I can tell from your comment that you must be a wonderful parent. Your children are so lucky to have such a non-judgemental parent they can come to for advice.

What a vile, judgemental, unsympathetic and completely unhelpful post.

You need to look at who does what. No point in him waking and watching you change a nappy. Best thing will be to start expressing and let him give a late bottle and you go to bed at 8pm. He should be doing early mornings if he’s not been disturbed in the night. Your current arrangement you’re both waking which is pointless. I am sorry but I think telling him he’s not going to football is treating him like a child and will not help the sleep issues. I understand why you feel like that; resentment creeps in. The early years are tough, work together not against each other. Have an honest chat about how he can help.

You both need to give each other a break. He's getting woken up throughout the night then having to go to work. Do you have a spare room/ can he sleep on the sofa so he can stay asleep during nights when he has to work the next day and then give you a break from 6am? You can then swap at weekends.

Tension during the newborn phase is totally normal when everyone is tired, try to be kind to each other.

Have you ever passed him the baby to do the nappy change if he is awake, and you turn over and snooze @fellinlovewithawar I would not be impressed if DH sat and watched me do a nappy change and then complain he is tired

Sleep deprivation is awful and you'll only survive (relatively) unscathed if you and your partner work together. Some people get back to sleep easily if woken, others don't, so it can be difficult to say how much sleep your partner has had. Also, some people can function adequately on little sleep. If there is somewhere else for your partner to sleep and be disturbed less at night use that. If you're only cancelling his football as a punishment then don't. Plan together how to maximise sleep for both of you. And good luck, it will get better eventually.

I had almost zero help with mine. Ten weeks in you are probably the most exhausted you'll be. Very soon it gets better.

My tip is warm bath and feed before bed, have them in the top part of a carry cot or in a Moses basket right next to you on the mattress of your double bed. This is as close to co sleeping as you can get without sleeping together. They can hear your breathing and smell you so they know you are very close.

You are so close to getting through the most difficult nights. Very soon you'll be dropping a night feed. Almost there!

With our EBF newborn I did all the nights and I made my husband sleep in the spare room so he had a full nights sleep.

There was no point in him being woken up too as he couldn’t feed our DS and nappy changes took 5mins.

This meant my DH wasn’t tired and he then could do the mornings, take our baby for a bit after work then cook dinner whilst I fed the baby/got them down.

You have to divide and conquer here.

I think it would be interesting for him to do at least one night getting up with you for every feed and nappy change. Then he can imagine that stretched across 9 months or so and see what a total head fuck it is.
seriously, sleep deprivation is torture, you must get big long naps in every weekend. You have to claw it back. He has to go out with the baby for an hour or two and let you catch up.

Sleep deprivation is hell. Hopefully you can come to an agreement that helps all of you.

I honestly find this bat shit, i ebf both mine 15 months apart Did every night feed and morning care as my husband is running a business. He did his share on a weekend he worked away m-f
Absolutely pointless him sat up whilst you're feeding

Just to echo other posters, you need to take it in turns it's pointless you both being up.

If i were you id get sorted for bed then give a feed, hand baby straight to DH and get some sleep.

You need to divide and conquer so you can both get as much sleep as possible. What is the point of him getting up with you in the night?

I bottle fed all 3 of mine but I did all the night feeds and nappy changes as I knew my husband was going to work.

I really don't understand why he's getting up with you for a nappy change?

Maybe express some milk so he can feed on a Friday night to give you a full night's sleep?

If he's getting up for nappy change, then the advice given to antenatal classes in the early 90s seems reasonable here - DH gets up and changes nappy, then brings baby to you (in bed) to feed. If everyone falls asleep, all well and good.

If you don't want to do that, DH stays asleep, you do the changes and feeds during the night and he gets up early to see to baby before going to work.

When you're exhausted, and you clearly are OP, stay in bed for a day or so. Put baby next to you and feed/change as necessary. I think it's called a baby moon. If that helps, treat yourself to days like that. After all, nobody is going to benefit from you being exhausted.

You have to share whatever care is needed and fit work and hobbies around that.

@fellinlovewithawar , does your partner go out to work? If he does I think you are being extremely unreasonable expecting him to be awake during the night and early morning. He cannot close his eyes and get a rest during the day, you can even if your baby sleeps with you. If the football is something he’s always done I understand that he doesn’t want to give it up but he should understand that you too need some time to yourself and find a way that you’re both happy with to allow you that.

You're both exhausted.

I personally think you should do the night feeds Sunday night to Thursday night and Friday and Saturday night your OH can do it to give you a break.

If you're on maternity and he's working all day Monday to Friday it's only fair that he sleeps for work and you get up in the night during the week.

You say you can't put your baby down for a nap during the day, do exactly what you do during the night. But shut the curtains, set an alarm.

I did this on my own from birth. Every night. It works. I napped during the day, it was the only way I was gonna not feel exhausted. Unfortunately having naps when your baby is napping is part of having a baby. If you don't nap you're gonna be exhausted. Sleep is mucked up when you have a baby.

Your DP needs to get up in the mornings.
you need to do the nights if you’re breastfeeding as in his defence, he can’t.
there is absolutely no point him getting up to
watch a nappy change. Get him to wear earplugs or sleep elsewhere. He can then get up early but with breastfeeding you might have to get up early also.
I swapped to pumping and then formula at only 2 weeks because I found the amount I was awake so awful it was driving me to insanity and I couldn’t sit and watch my DP sleeping all the time. Like you, I couldn’t nap either cos my LO wanted to contact nap on me all the time.

You need to find a solution where you both get some undisturbed sleep. Do you have a spare bedroom? If so your husband will get a better night sleep there on nights when he is exhausted as he won't be disturbed, but give the little one to him after he's had an early morning feed (closest feed to 4.30) so then you get 2-3 hours undisturbed before he leaves for work. That could mean you sleep in the spare bedroom from that time and your husband goes in with the baby. Or alternatively some sort of ear plugs/headphones