Partner asked me to get up with baby in the morning

[fellinlovewithawar]

I currently have a 10 week old and EBF which means I’m the one who does all the wake ups in the night. My partner will wake up and sit with me when I do the nappy change, but will then go back to sleep. He does not ever get up when the baby stirs, nor does he do the nappy changes himself. We have a baby who sleeps fairly well with 2-3 wake ups per night, but I’m still up a good 1-2 hours with him overall. My partner will normally get up with him post 6am so I can get some extra rest in before he goes to work at 7:45am. This isn’t always the case, sometimes our LO will sleep later or I’ll manage to get him back to sleep after a feed. This morning he asked me to get up with him. I’d been up at 1:30am to feed him, again at some point after this to soothe him and then at 4:15 - 5:15. At best, I’d had 30 minutes sleep. I told him I cannot function a whole day with a baby with 30 minutes sleep since 4am. His argument was he woke up during the nappy change, so he reckoned he’d only had 30 minutes more than me. I said right, well don’t you think you could give me 30 minutes more, plus the time I’d been up in the night? In the end he agreed to get up, but then made no attempts to move and honestly, I was too angry to sleep by this point. I explained to him I get that he does often get up at 6am, but I get up throughout the night EVERY night. I have to wake myself up, then struggle to get back to sleep while he can stay in a semi-conscious state.

He's supposed to go to football at 9pm tonight, and often he will play games around 8pm which leaves me putting our baby to bed alone. It’s not usually an issue as he does these morning wake ups, but today I felt like there was just no understanding of how difficult it is to last a whole day on the amount of sleep I’d had this morning. Our baby will not nap in the crib in the daytime, so it’s usually contact naps or occasionally on our bed/in his rocker. I’ve said to my partner that I’m not looking after our baby tonight, so he’ll have to miss football. He said no, and I told him he’d have to as someone needs to look after him. I’ve told him he’s going to have to get our LO up at every wake up and change his nappy if he needs it. I’m tempted to ask him to stay up with me during every breastfeed too just so he understands how exhausting it can be. I don’t get a break like he does, in any sense.

AIBU?

@DrJoanAllenby no it is called parenting together, we have moved on from expecting mums to do everything whilst the man can go off and do his hobbies.

I am happy you just got on with it, but parenting is a partnership, and especially in those first few relentless weeks both parents need to be doing their bit just to get through.

Do you have a separate room? He could sleep in there so gets an unbroken night and then takes the baby in the morning so you get some rest. Are you able to express milk or use formula for one feed so you get a full night sleep, we did this and it was an absolute life saver. I also couldn’t sleep during the day when the baby slept, I was too wired, I ended up doing the housework!

Yeah, DH working away a newborn who was 10 weeks prem and still feeding every 3 hrs - expressed milk, took me an hr to feed her and hr to express then clean and sterilise and change baby and start again - about 8 weeks I crashed face down on the bed and slept for 8 hrs when Mum came to visit, used up stashed breast milk but I could at least thin again. I switched to formula it was all just too much and I wasn't letting down properly so not getting alot of milk like I should have been....its a tough time.

I definitely think the splitting of evening and nightime needs to happen and maybe if baby awake in the am he takes him for couple of hours

No-one told me there was no need to change baby in the night, except for a poo one. I got into a right frazzle over that. Nappies are so good these days.
No call for dp to wake up for bf.
He should have baby in morning to let you sleep.

Thanks to everyone for the helpful comments. I’ve asked my partner to either take baby for a couple of hours in the evening so I can get an earlier night (and wake me for his last feed) - which I was reluctant to do, as it impacts on his hobbies - or to commit to getting up in the morning. I suggested he doesn’t get up during the night, and sleeps elsewhere occasionally to get some uninterrupted sleep. For the more judgmental comments, I appreciate you don’t have the full picture. I would love to nap when baby naps but as others have said, I’m either too wired or he’s fallen asleep somewhere unsafe. On the rare occasion I put him down in his cot, he wakes up, makes a load of noise and then at best, I might get 10 minutes of sleep before he wakes up again. I appreciate some people only get 5 hours a night, last week I was running on considerably less than this but as anyone who remembers the newborn stage will know, sleep can be unpredictable. I will take every hour I can get because I don’t know what the next night will be like! I appreciate those of you who manage with other children, I have two SK’s who are also here half of the time waking us ALL up at 6am. I get on with it the majority of the time. My partner can’t help the majority of the time with me EBF, but I fully expect him to be when he feasibly can. Appreciate I may have been unreasonable though with suggesting he stays up at night/misses his football!

I disagree with everybody about the nappy changes. My partner used to get up with me for nappy changes. He would change, hand baby back to me, then go back to sleep while I nursed. It helped us feel solidarity.

I think you sound very tired and therefore it's making this situation seem worse then it is. I would let him go to football and then work out a time you can catch up with some sleep while he has baby and reset everything

I would also learn to safe co sleep for naps so that you can rest when baby does even if you don't actually manage to sleep because you are too wired. That way you can nurse to sleep laying down. That was a life saver for me

Today is a bad day. There will be better days ahead. It sounds to me like the baby is doing brilliantly, down in the cot, sleeping for stretches of 3 or more hours… Agree with PP that splitting the night with you on duty until 4.30 or 5 is a good idea.
A couple of things that might make it easier:

1. Do you have a spare bedroom? Take turns sleeping alone in there.
2. Look for the “plus” size, extra absorbent, or night time 12 hour nappies. If you are using cloth nappies look at TotsBots night time wraps. My youngest is 15 weeks now and I gave up night time nappy changes as soon as he stopped pooping after every meal.
3. Take a nap today! You will figure it all out somehow. 🥰

We bottle fed ours which made it a little easier but we did shifts where DH would do 9-midnight, I’d do the 12am-5am shift and then DH would take over again at 5 before he went to work. I would get a eye mask and earplugs for both of you and wear them when it’s not your shift. I appreciate you are EBF but your DP can still get up, change nappy, wait for baby to be fed then settle back to sleep.

You are exhausted - understandably! The start is really really hard. I know you've clarified you don't ask him to get up for nappies during the night, but tell him again there is no need. When DS was little I think I woke DH 1 night because I could not get DS back down and after 2 hours I was delusional. Other than that DH never got up in the night - also BF.

I agree with getting into bed earlier as well. That way hopefully you can front load a small bit of sleep. It can feel like you get no time with DH/ to do your own thing in the evening but again this phase is not forever.

He does need to priorities you and the baby over football. Is he playing football or games every evening? That isn't fair. Football once a week absolutely fine. A game (computer?) when DS is settled and asleep fine. But not every night. IDK how many times I handed DS over to DH straight after his shower and went straight to bed and zonked in 10 seconds!

You're doing an amazing job it is not easy when they are so little and need you all of the time

It is hard for both of you. I think occasionally he should be able to ask you to do morning if he is struggling and occasionally you should be able to ask him to skip football if you have had a hard day.

Sounds like for the most part it works with him doing mornings. Glad you are going to suggest he doesn't get up for nappy changes as agree no point in both being up, he would be better to sleep and be more helpful in the daytime.

It is exhausting, which makes everything seem worse than it is. I think organisation of time is key here. My DH had to go back to work 2 days after I had DS and I took the view that my job is to look after baby whilst he earns money at this point in our lives. He would have DS from around 9pm-1am when I’d sleep/shower/lie in bed with insomnia. During this time DH would also do laundry and cleaning etc if baby was sleeping. Also recommend sleeping in separate room with baby so we weren’t both knackered and ratty! DH also played football a couple times a week, good for overall health and he always came back refreshed.

Is that so it looks like he's 'helping'? <cynic>

Jeez! Poor man! Thank God for MN who put you right!!!

We have a 3 month old. I do all the night stuff and husband sleeps in spare room sun-thurs nights as he has to be up for work. I kinda thought that’s why I have maternity leave. I can sleep whenever my husband cant.

My husband does always do bath time though as I pump and get the bed ready for baby to be brought in.

If the football thing isn’t every night then I’d let him go. My husband has Tuesday and Wednesday evenings to do his hobby. We we agreed before baby.

Are you really saying your baby only naps for ten minutes at a time?!

You need to let the baby sleep more where he is - cot, pushchair, car seat, floor, bouncy chair - and at least lie down and rest even if you don't fall asleep.

And broken sleep is broken sleep whether you're staying awake for 15 minutes or half an hour.

Completely understand the tiredness - I was up 2-6am this morning with 6 week old and had to ask DH to feed him / change him at 6 as I was completely frazzled! It’s not easy OP and hard not to stare daggers at peacefully sleeping DH while you’re feeding.

DH has to work full time and drive to work so I do the majority of the get ups with him very quick to get up and help if I am at the end of my tether. DS will only feed himself to sleep with me but will settle well for Dad. Agree with PP the issue here is DH getting up unnecessarily for nappies - you would be better splitting the nights and getting a good 4 hour stretch at least once a night, I find I am pretty much functional after that.

Go to bed early tonight, put baby down for his final nap in his cot and get into bed yourself, feed him at his usual bedtime and back into cot. In the daytime can you experiment with sleep locations so you can get a nap? DS used to nap well in his pram bassinet but now prefers to nap in his next to me in a quiet room.

I understand OP, it definitely does feel at times that men can opt in and out of what they're agreed to do.

My baby is a lot older than yours but I'm still up through the night with her and DP takes her in the morning...but that's still after me entertaining her for usually at least 30/45 mins when she first wakes up until he finally decides to move. It does grate one me as I don't get the option during the night for him to faff around with her for all that time until I take over!

Also as a tip - if you baby hasn't pooed, they don't need to be changed during the night. We switched to Pampers just for nighttime and since then I haven't changed her during the night and she's dry in the morning.

I'm a single mother and had absolutely no help whatsoever. My advice would be to sleep when your baby sleeps just to get through these first weeks. It really seems to make no sense to me that your dh gets up at the same time. He'd have more energy for work and the early mornings without breaking his sleep when really it's not necessary. Good luck

I ebf my ds and I have to say I agree with the others he's better sleeping through and then taking the lead in the early morning and as soon as he gets home from work. Its brutal op so I fully understand how you can start to really resent each other when you're both exhausted and sometimes not fully seeing the others perspective.

What I did was go to bed at 7.30/8pm. Dh would have given ds a bottle of milk I'd expressed in the morning and then I'd sleep until 10/11pm. Then he'd bring ds in to me and I'd feed him and put him down in the next to me. After that it was really my responsibility during the night to feed and change ds. I set myself up in a safe position for co sleeping so I could doze while ds fed (although I never have been able to fully sleep) and he would be safe beside me if I accidentally fell asleep and sometimes I'd have stuck a box set on my phone and used Bluetooth headphones to listen just to distract myself if it was a particularly rough night.

Then dh would have got up from 5.30/6am onwards and looked after ds until he had to go to work. Then I'd have been up with ds until he was due to nap and I'd have co slept for at least one of his naps during the day.

When dh came home he would have taken over with ds for an hour so I could do a few bits I wanted to do by myself and then we worked together until 8ish when i went back to bed.

You just need to step back and look at what routine your wee one has fallen into and try to juggle it together so you can catch bits of sleep where possible. It doesn't last forever so it's really just about surviving for right now. At the weekend I'd be expecting your dh to let you get more naps in or just some time to yourself.

I think if you're absolutely busted it's reasonable for you to ask him not to go to football though. My dh plays at least once a week and has another hobby alongside and if we had a day where i was particularly exhausted or just feeling overwhelmed then he would have skipped that night to be there and help me, but equally i could probably count on one hand how often i asked him to do that because between work and parenting etc i knew he needed down time for himself too. And it meant he owed me one so there was no complaints about him taking ds at the weekend so in could go out for an hour or whatever I wanted to do. You maybe need to sit down together and try and work out a plan as a team to see what would help.

If you are not working you sound Very UR.

I cannot cannot believe you’re being slated for him getting up to do nappy changes - whether you ask him to or not. My husband did ever wake up with me because we both appreciated the moral support. We took it in turns to be physically out of bed, but he was dozing and available if I struggled.

This ! My partner would always be on hand if I needed him regardless if he was working in the morning or not, his choice.

Having just gone through this and having an 11m old who still wakes at least once most nights.

I let my H sleep. He would do until midnight and then again would help between 7 am and 8am so I could shower, get something to eat.

I always preferred him to have as much unbroken sleep as possible. He's working and driving long distances.

But, he has all stopped most of his hobbies to fit in with the routines and help out. Does more housework than I do and gives me a lay in or a couple of hours nap during the weekend. I would always try to sleep or at least rest when baby was napping. And it is hard when they are only doing 45 min max contact naps. I totally get it.

It's about compromise. And finding a balance that works for both of you

I agree with others that you need to find a system that works for you. At that stage (and still now 10 months later because her sleep is rubbish), I was going to sleep way sooner than that, around 9pm, and my husband was covering any feeds until 11-12. We introduced a night bottle from the start though so it helped, although she was breastfed the rest of the day. He would also pick her up in the morning on weekends so I could sleep a bit longer.

I also concur with the use of the spare bedroom from time to time, it's not worth him waking up for feeds or nappy changes. My husband would go to the spare bedroom when he was particularly tired or had a big work meeting, and only helped when there was a problem (baby is very unsettled or sick). I would do the feed and if I couldn't settle her down in 45-60 min for instance, he would take over to rock her downstairs. For me that's the kind of practical help that made a difference.

I have never been able to nap during the day either, mainly because it takes me ages to fall asleep - if I do at all, but also because she naps on us in the rocking chair most of the time so it wouldn't be safe.
You do get use to functioning whilst tired I think if it's of any comfort 😅 I have had 4h of sleep last night, 6 max for the past 3 weeks, and I'm working full time. Now I'm just waiting for the years to pass untill I can sleep again 😂