Money in a relationship

[Dietstarts]

Long time MN-er but I've NC for this post.

Before anyone starts on me I know I'm in a vulnerable position being unmarried and I've put myself there. But here I find myself so I need advice on the situation please.

Been with DP 9 years, 2 DC. We've just had another row about money. We keep separate finances and pay 50/50 in to a joint account for shared bills. I'm struggling financially, our costs have increased significantly lately with me going FT meaning we pay for wrap around care now. Mortgage has also increased along with other bills like everyone else's!

I asked if we could pay in to our joint account proportionally to our income. This would mean he pays more as he earns more. He is very annoyed at this suggestion because he feels he's being penalised for earning more and thinks I should earn more as that would solve my money woes (easier said than done).

He says I've 'chosen' to earn less because I left my PT job I wasn't enjoying. I now work more hours at a lower hourly rate but I bring home more... and I'm happy. I like my new job. But am I being unreasonable?

Either way it seems like I will have to pay 50% forever more so do I leave the job I love and find something that pays more or just suck it up and stick to the job I like and have very little disposable income after bills. (I've already lined up a second job 3 evenings a week but things will still be tight my end and I'll still be earning a lot less than him).

He is being unreasonable, that is not a partnership

Thank you for your response. That was my argument, we don't feel like a team. But I think he feels I'm just after his money and he works too hard for that to happen. I work hard too but I earn less money.

It's a difficult one and there is no right or wrong answer on what's fair its personal to each relationship really. In my relationship it was always 50/50 irrelevant of earning but that's because he refused to maximise his earnings and just relied on me to work ever harder to be the main earner which wasn't fair either

Does he do exactly 50/50 with the kids too? Or are you supporting him to be able to work the hours he does? If its the later then it's only fair he compensates you for taking on more of the load at home. Personally I think a partnership involves supporting each other, sharing the various loads and all in together not one partner left with a lot more disposable income then the other. I wouldn't want my OH to be skint while I had a lot more. . Doesn't really seem like a partnership to me.

His attitude stinks and it is unfair. IMO it’s ok to keep finances separate until you have DC and/or own a house. Then it’s a partnership that requires a different balance - running a household is expensive and a joint effort.

I earn double what DH does and I pay £500 more into our joint account. It’s not entirely equal but it means we are both ok- I also save more but those savings are all towards joint things like holidays, home improvements and kids savings. We do keep separate finances but we have aligned principles so it’s ok. We make sure that we both have an acceptable level of disposable income left at the end of the month. I keep my finances separate because I watched my mum struggle after my dad left and she had no financial independence.

Who gets the child benefit? Are you are that you are paying 50 -50 for everything? Eg do you pay for kids clothes/outings etc?
Make are you wrote down everything you spend and make sure he really is paying 50%

On a different note... you could work out what he would pay in child maintenance if you were separated .....

So you work PT and he expects a 50/50 split on the finances? He's an arse, he's happy to keep seeing his bank balance increase while watching you struggle. Don't put up with it OP, if keeping all his money to himself is more important than anything else then you know what kind of person he is.

I don't know why women agree to continue with these 50/50 splits when children arrive. It's almost always the woman who takes the hit financially while he watches the money roll in every month. If he's not prepared to adjust the finances according to the overall household situation then don't do it!

Do you split the childcare 50 50and if not does he pay you the going rate for childcare?

I have been working PT and doing school runs but now I work FT+ for the past few months we have to pay for wrap around care which is expensive.

We do roughly 50/50 childcare but he works 6 days a week most week to get in the OT so I guess it's not quite 50/50.
Household chores/mental load is not split 50/50 which was the other side of the arguement. He feels it is, I don't feel so. That made him fly off the handle and tell me to 'F OFF'.

I will never understand this. Dh earns way more than me - we share everything. There is one pot and anything left over goes into our joint savings. It was different before kids as we earn similar so we kept separate accounts and paid 50/50 which is fair enough.

You’ve been together 9 years and have children together and he thinks you’re “after his money”. What a bellend.

You’re both working full time, he can’t just click his fingers and expect you to magic up a better paying job. Bills should be split proportionally and he shouldn’t be happy for you to be struggling while he’s financially comfortable.

Rather than arguing about it, surely there needs to be a proper, calm financial appraisal about what is affordable for you as a family unit? I respect you for leaving a job you hated, good for you, but if working full time is making you worse off because of the increased childcare costs, there needs to be some planning about how that will be absorbed - and if the childcare is costing more than you bring in by working more hours, I cannot easily see how your partner thinks you working even more hours is a solution, unless they are hours when he can be with the kids, and that even then, your time as a whole family is likely to be significantly reduced, and he needs to understand that he will be sole-parenting and housework a lot more than he is right now, and that your children do need some time with each of you. If he's already working 6 days per week, I'm not sure where your additional hours are supposed to go if you are to have any whole family time. He needs to understand that if you are working part-time and providing childcare, that in itself is positively contributing to the family income by not having to fund childcare for the days you are with them.

It may help to sit down with e.g. a financial advice charity to do this and create a budget etc if you think this will reduce the chance of significant conflict.

He's working extra days to top up his wage, so his day off then should be his full day responsibility for caring for the kids and chores. I would tell him you're getting a job to work that day so you have more to contribute so he doesn't think you're just after his money 🙄. Also if the chores aren't split fairly make them fair, why make his life easier if he doesn't for you

I think you are both being unreasonable here. He isn’t treating things like a partnership, where you help each other through life. Sometimes one will earn more or less and life changes but you help each other out.

But you should try to earn more. We’d all love easier jobs, or more lie stress jobs or more fun jobs but we do what we do to cover our family responsibilities. You need to find another more appropriate role. You can’t unilaterally decide to bring in less money and expect him to pick up the slack. Where would you both be if he also decided to take a lower paid role because it’s less stress?

Neither of you seem to be thinking about the other here.

If he’s working 6 days a week say 8 hours more than you then household chores shouldn’t be 50:50. I can’t imagine how tired this man is. You’ve taken a lower paying job, your partner gets one day off a week and you are wondering which one of you is “right” rather than how to make things better?

If you could earn more and you don't because his job gives you the option to do this then you're at fault.
If you're at your maximum earning potential and you couldn't earn more due to your qualifications and experience then he's at fault

Are you paying for the child care or is he equally paying?

Has he taken into consideration that you taking maternity leave would have impacted your earnings and the gender pay gap. Sounds like he doesn’t really care if you struggle he is not willing to be a partnership and share money equally. Make sure he is doing his fair share in other ways including mental load.

I would go get myself a weekend and evening job. He’ll need to figure childcare out.

You are asking him to pay more- but he is already working 6 days a week. Are you sure he actually could? If it is up to him to pay more I don’t see how he can work any harder to bring the money in? You chose to take a lower paying role when he is working 6 days a week and you now want him to pay more. I’m not sure I could ask this of a partner

There's something off with this situation.

Ask him if the roles were reversed whether he'd be happy with you profiting by such a situation ("relationship").

It's the usual the women's work of ending up lower paid due to school runs, carrying the mental load etc isn't even recognised.

He can't see that when you were doing all the wrap around care he was benefitting financially enabling him to work more.

You either stay and put up with being seen as lesser and financially vulnerable or end it. Not good!

Presumably he doesn't see it that you also work on a weekend looking after the DC, the house etc etc. do you get equal leisure time at weekends and evenings?

I'm bringing in more now than my previous role. I worked part time earning £21k-ish, now I work more than full time earning closer to £30k-ish. My hourly rate has gone down but I work more hours. His argument is that I don't earn as much as him so why should he be more out of pocket.

Could you earn more and you're choosing not to? I am getting the impression that this is his issue.