Money in a relationship

[Dietstarts]

Long time MN-er but I've NC for this post.

Before anyone starts on me I know I'm in a vulnerable position being unmarried and I've put myself there. But here I find myself so I need advice on the situation please.

Been with DP 9 years, 2 DC. We've just had another row about money. We keep separate finances and pay 50/50 in to a joint account for shared bills. I'm struggling financially, our costs have increased significantly lately with me going FT meaning we pay for wrap around care now. Mortgage has also increased along with other bills like everyone else's!

I asked if we could pay in to our joint account proportionally to our income. This would mean he pays more as he earns more. He is very annoyed at this suggestion because he feels he's being penalised for earning more and thinks I should earn more as that would solve my money woes (easier said than done).

He says I've 'chosen' to earn less because I left my PT job I wasn't enjoying. I now work more hours at a lower hourly rate but I bring home more... and I'm happy. I like my new job. But am I being unreasonable?

Either way it seems like I will have to pay 50% forever more so do I leave the job I love and find something that pays more or just suck it up and stick to the job I like and have very little disposable income after bills. (I've already lined up a second job 3 evenings a week but things will still be tight my end and I'll still be earning a lot less than him).

Your DP is a dick.

I also work 6 days a week. It's not about being right at all I'm just trying to make it feel fairer.
He was upset at me getting a new evening job because he's on call one week in 12 and worried about who will look after the children. I feel like I can't 'win' for want of a better word. I'm trying to earn more but I have to fit around him.

He told you to fuck off? Maybe he should, instead.

Think very carefully about your options here, op. You've sacrificed and continue to sacrifice a lot for someone who doesn't see you as an equal.

So basically he gets to keep a large portion of his salary for himself whilst you scrimp and scrabble around trying to make ends meet to find your 50%?

Plus doing the lion share of the jobs at home. AND work full time. Some of the comments on here! As if the OP is sitting around at home living the life of Riley whilst her DP is out slaving.

You live together, you are a partnership. You should have equal access to money and all expenditure should be joint. He's not being fair and you are out of pocket in comparison to him.

If you left him, you'd be likely better off as you'd be able to claim assistance with childcare, plus child maintenance.

But there is likely no arguing or reasoning with a mean, bitter man who thinks you're with him for his money. These men need to have a word with themselves. I'd honestly consider leaving him.

He doesn't sound like he even likes you as a friend. Let alone loves you like a life partner. He shouldn't want you out working in the evenings after doing a full time job.

There isn't mutual love and support in this relationship from the sounds of things. Being told to "fuck off" when your trying to have an conversion is nasty, dismissive and conveniently ended the discussion for him.

This situation sounds like there is no loving partnership. But I'm used to all income going in one joint account, and all savings going in one joint account. Currently I'm the higher earner. Sorry, not much help.

Bullshit. If he doesn’t share the perk of his job (more money) why should OP share the perk of hers (more free time) and pick up his share of the housework? He can’t have it both ways.

What I don’t get about set ups like this is what is he going to do with all the ‘extra’ cash he has? Is he happy to see you go without, while he lives in relative luxury? Watch you struggle to clothe yourself etc while he’s buying whatever he wants? If so, that certainly says a lot about the type of man he is.

But you're currently subsidising him with this arrangement.

So if anybody is after someone else's money, it's him who is after yours (and taking it).

One can't help but feel this extra money is being put aside for when the children are grown and he can dispose of the OP and live his life freely. Probably with a newer appliance to accompany him.

Most on here view men as workhorses to be 'binned' the moment things don't go exactly their way and the OP is unlikely to get a broad array of responses.

The fact her partner is working like a dog six days a week suggests that he's no 'cocklodger' and the OP needs to step up if she wants more money.

Wouldn’t work for me. When I met now DH he was earning far more than me, but when we moved in together, everything went into one pot. I caught him up earnings wise in the end, but for a good few years I simply wouldn’t have been able to afford to pay half. We could have moved somewhere cheaper so I could pay half (and I did suggest that) but he didn’t want that. We are a team and we share everything, 20 years later we still do. Personally I think splitting your payments in terms of how much each of you earn is reasonable.

So does he pay half the childcare? It doesn't sound like he loves you if he won't share with you and he shouts at you to fuck off when you want a sensible discussion about finances. Just work out how much he'd have to pay you for child maintenance under CMS on his current salary working 6 days a week. You'd also be entitled to UC with kids and a low salary. If you rent you'd get housing benefit too. Just work out what you'd be entitled to and calmly tell him without you I'd get £x amount. Give him something to think about.

She is stepping up… doing the extra childcare while he works 6 days a week, plus aiming to get a second job, which he doesn’t want her to do because it means he’ll be responsible for extra childcare.

Sadly you’re probably right.

That's not a partnership. I would not be paying for half of his mortgage if that's how he wants to operate.
My husband couldn't afford to retire early but jointly we both could as I have good pensions, so we both retired.
Would not have mattered a jot if we weren't married.
I would just say x is all I can afford and stand my ground.

Do you mean we pay wrap around or you pay wraparound?

I'd tel him fine and I'd start idly running past evening and weekend jobs past him that mean he is on full childcare in every non working hour. And start interviewing for those jobs because a man like your DH will nor want to do solo childcare in "his" free time. You need to strengthen your negotiating position. You need to be able to say "OK darling, I have a new job lined up for nightshifts and weekends so I cam pay my 50%. What do you mean you don't want me to take the job? Do you see another way around this? 👀"

Well unfortunately for him, you are not built in childcare and that benefit comes at a premium - namely paying percentages. Get the job, be independent and let him shit his fucking pants when he realises he needs to find cover for rhe kids. If you can't play hardball you can't win.

He only needs to leave the kids alone once for you to end the relationship and tell the world what an utter cunt he is and if he has a professional job, he will not want the embarrassment. Good fucking riddance if he fails to prepare 12 weeks in advance for his childcare.

I'm angry that you think you have to fit around him. You don't. And how fucking dare he think you do, especially if he expects you to pay equally whilst bending over backwards for him.

But it is costing you more in childcare, so when it all comes out in the wash you are bringing in less?

But there is a difference between trying to pull your weight and working in a career versus making a choice to do a more enjoyable job and bring in less money to the household. That kind of decision needs to be made with the agreement of both parties including what it means practically and financially. You can’t make the decision and then realise your decision has made money right so tell your partner who is working 6 days a week the solution is that they now need to pay more.

He has unrealistic expectations. How does he expect you to develop in a career and earn more if your work is treated as less important than his? You shouldn’t have to work round his job, children are a shared responsibility and there needs to be a bit of give and take on both sides. He doesn’t value your financial contribution, despite actually needing it- you are facilitating him having disposable income he wouldn’t have if he was paying for a household on his own. And if he keeps behaving like this, that’s what he’ll be doing eventually. He sounds insufferable.

I was originally the higher earner in our relationship and we had separate accounts but I paid for all the extras like holidays, meals out, clothes etc This was whilst dh was working in a lower paid position but also studying to obtain a better job. Eventually, he earned more than me as I went part time when we adopted our dc. We decided it would be easier to just have a joint account and everything, earnings, child benefit etc all went into and out of one pot and we each had a bank card and used it for whatever we needed. We trusted each other and knew one person wasn't going to blow a load of money on themselves on some crazy purchase. There were times when I didn't work at all after having some health issues and we still operated on the same basis, there was only dh's salary going in but we both viewed it as my money as much as his, our joint money. I could not live any other way. You are a partnership, you've got dc together, he should be happy to support his partner and kids and make your life easier by putting more into the pot when he is the higher earner. This would make me rethink my relationship with him, especially if we weren't even married. He sounds very selfish to me.

Just to add, I gave up my very well paid, extremely stressful, full time job as it was making me ill. My dh loved me and wanted the best for me so was happy for me to do this. However, because I was then part time I did the lions share of jobs around the home, which we both felt was only fair.

I never understand this sort of situation in the first place but okay, let's use some "logical" arguments here and maybe he'll see it.

When you worked part time, how did you split bills? Assuming it wasn't 50/50, was it sufficiently fair to compensate for the fact that you were a) removing the need for some childcare costs and b) potentially limiting your long term earnings?

Is the 50/50 current split genuinly for EVERYTHING. You're not paying for DC's activities out of your share or whatever? If that's not the case, make sure it is immediately.

He thinks the mental and physical load is split? For one week, each of you write down every single task you do in the house/for the DC, and write it down. Then compare. There are also various online tools to check this stuff. Because no, him taking out the bins daily is NOT the same as you doing all the meal planning, shopping and preparation.

If the DC are sick, who drops everything to look after them? I am assuming this is genuinely 50/50? Probably not. In which case, is he confident you can get this magical better paid job while still taking on the bulk of this sort of issue? What about holidays? Nursery/school drop off and pick ups? All things that tend to negatively impact options for better paid work where there is less flexibility.

If he has more disposable income, does this mean he's out and about more too? Gym, pub etc? In which case, he really isn't doing 50/50 childcare. So he should start paying you 50% of the childcare costs of any time over what is actually 50/50. He wants to go the pub on Friday because he can afford it? Great, going babysitter rates around here are £10/hour so he can pay you £5/hour for the evening.