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Original poster

Money in a relationship

79 replies

Dietstarts · 29/04/2024 01:45

Long time MN-er but I've NC for this post.

Before anyone starts on me I know I'm in a vulnerable position being unmarried and I've put myself there. But here I find myself so I need advice on the situation please.

Been with DP 9 years, 2 DC. We've just had another row about money. We keep separate finances and pay 50/50 in to a joint account for shared bills. I'm struggling financially, our costs have increased significantly lately with me going FT meaning we pay for wrap around care now. Mortgage has also increased along with other bills like everyone else's!

I asked if we could pay in to our joint account proportionally to our income. This would mean he pays more as he earns more. He is very annoyed at this suggestion because he feels he's being penalised for earning more and thinks I should earn more as that would solve my money woes (easier said than done).

He says I've 'chosen' to earn less because I left my PT job I wasn't enjoying. I now work more hours at a lower hourly rate but I bring home more... and I'm happy. I like my new job. But am I being unreasonable?

Either way it seems like I will have to pay 50% forever more so do I leave the job I love and find something that pays more or just suck it up and stick to the job I like and have very little disposable income after bills. (I've already lined up a second job 3 evenings a week but things will still be tight my end and I'll still be earning a lot less than him).

OP posts:
TisButThyName · 29/04/2024 09:53

My DH earns twice what I do. I teach 3 days a week (which is around 36 hours a week of work - I do all my planning and marking whilst the kids are at school on my 2 days off).

Childcare on the days I work is 50/50 (he takes them, I collect or vice versa). I do the other two days. Housework/cooking/cleaning/food shop is about 70% me. I cover all the school holidays.

We have a joint account, work out how much we need, then pay in as a percentage of our earnings. This leaves us with roughly the same amount left over. Slightly more for him as his hobbies are expensive which is fine.

The whole splitting bills 50/50 thing is fine until you have children, and then work has to fit around the children. Your DH should be paying more so you have equal amounts left over. What you earn is irrelevant. You're both putting in the same hours.

Pin0cchio · 29/04/2024 09:57

When you planned to move job, did you work out a budget and factor in the tax impact and childcare costs? Im confused as to how you are earning more but can afford to contribute less.

Finances should be pooled.

But do ask yourself, how would you feel if he chose to change job & reduce his earning capacity and expected you to just make up the difference, would you mind?

Its can get difficult if one partner mentally assumes the other is the "breadwinner" and doesn't take responsibility for maximising their earnings to support the family. These days most households need two salaries.

Pin0cchio · 29/04/2024 10:00

Saying you can't win... the obvious option was to go full time in the higher paying job? And earn more?

It does my nut on here slightly that so many women seem to think they'll never earn more than a low wage (but assume their DH will earn more).

Is there any training etc that would help you look at higher paying roles?

Hereyoume · 29/04/2024 10:01

You're not in a relationship. You have a financial arrangement with someone you are sharing a house with.

In a real relationship there would be jo such thought as "my money".

Bin the loser, at least that way he will have to pay for his own children.

In what way does this housemate benefit your life?

Original poster
Dietstarts · 29/04/2024 10:06

I'm probably earning on the lower end for my industry/training but it's a job with no stress (I was struggling with stress in my previous role hence leaving after 2+ years). I'm trying to top up to counter that with the second PT job.
I've had years of little to no earnings, no pension contributions etc whilst I was the primary carer for our young children, mat leave, fit round nursery/school etc. I've always paid 50% of the shared bills so I guess I was hoping he could help with some of the slack now as I feel I have been for years.

OP posts:
Wishitsnows · 29/04/2024 10:25

You paid 50% on maternity leave and he didn’t even consider putting any money in a pension for you while you saved him on childcare and facilitated his career?! Let me guess if a child is off sick from school it’s down to you as even though you are working he deems his job more important. This is not a man who respects or cares about you.

Thelaundryfairyhasbeenassassinated · 29/04/2024 10:26

If you paid 50/50 while on maternity leave on a reduced income after giving him children you are delusional that he will ever share some of the "slack".

What happens if you become ill? How could you give 50/50 on PIP.

I will say it again, I don't think he even likes you. Let alone loves you. Am sorry your in this situation.

PrimalOwl10 · 29/04/2024 10:31

What stands out is your not married, are you on the mortgage? He's withholds money when you were on mat leave and expected you to contribute 50percent. Do you pay for the childcare? He sounds like an awful person.

DustyLee123 · 29/04/2024 10:33

You should not be paying half of the mortgage if your name isn’t on it

Pin0cchio · 29/04/2024 10:38

Do you talk together and plan decisions?

Agree with a pp that it doesn't sound like he ever expected to support you financially.

You need to talk about plans and expectations. This is how you flush out the arseholes - before planning a pregnancy, if they aren't willing to marry you, share finances or support you on maternity leave you walk the fuck away.

OrlandointheWilderness · 29/04/2024 10:39

My DP earns about 16k more than I do, however he also has more outgoings. We split it so he pays all the bills and I pay for food. We both have respective personal payments like phone etc. If I run out of money he'll pick up the shopping, if he is tight I'll help him out. What we have we share tbh. Otherwise it isn't a partnership,

Goldbar · 29/04/2024 10:41

paintingvenice · 29/04/2024 07:48

If he’s working 6 days a week say 8 hours more than you then household chores shouldn’t be 50:50. I can’t imagine how tired this man is. You’ve taken a lower paying job, your partner gets one day off a week and you are wondering which one of you is “right” rather than how to make things better?

Show quote history

This only works if the OP is benefiting from him working extra hours, which she isn't.

She doesn't have to pick up the slack for him domestically because he's not doing the same financially.

MsMarch · 29/04/2024 10:42

Oh OP, this is SOOO sad. So while you worked part-time, you STILL paid half the bills AND lost out on earnings and pension AND you, as a couple, didn't pay childcare?

I'd be so annoyed right now I'd be backdating all the childcare I did for free and presenting him with an invoice.

And that's not even counting all the extra you do currently to facilitate his job. I bet you do the drop offs/pick ups, holiday cover and sickness too?

For me, this would be a dealbreaker. I could not live like this. It smacks of disrespect for you and your role in the family.

I really hope that your name is on the title deeds of the house.

Goldbar · 29/04/2024 10:42

Invoice him for 50% of the childcare you did while on maternity.

HampdenRadius · 29/04/2024 10:42

He’s being unreasonable.

We have a similar arrangement. Our wages are paid into our own account and we both pay a sum into a joint account to cover bills, mortgage, food, and other joint costs. The amount we pay is based on our income, it’s not 50/50.

Grenwyn · 29/04/2024 10:43

Having an equal partnership doesn't equate to exactly equal financial contributions. An equal partnership is when both have a proportionate amount of funds left over after the necessities have been paid.
But maybe I am old school as I'm a housewife and still have joint access to funds. Your DP sounds immature and extremely selfish. That would give me the ick big time.

PotatoPudding · 29/04/2024 10:48

Tell him that the only way you can continue 50/50 is to downsize and to sacrifice activities for your kids. It might put things into perspective for him when you can’t afford to do things but he can.

SpaSpa · 29/04/2024 10:53

Do you jointly own your home?

DaisyChain505 · 29/04/2024 10:57

He’s a pig

You should be working as a team to build a good life for your family unit. It doesn’t matter who earns what, you’re in this thing called life together.

Cornflakelover · 29/04/2024 11:09

Are you on the mortgage / deeds of the house as your not married
if you split you will walk away with very little

could he do his job if you didn’t facilitate the pick up / drop off for the kids

if it’s a no then he’s just a selfish prick who sees you as less important

he would rather see you broke and worn out than put a bit more money into the pot

he’s told you what he thinks is fair

it’s up to you if you stay and carry on
although it’s not easy to walk away

SpaSpa · 29/04/2024 11:12

You can’t make him contribute more financially but you could contribute less non financially. Who does the laundry, changes the bedding, appointments, food shopping etc?

whatsbestforme · 29/04/2024 11:28

Oh dear sounds like financial abuse possibly,he doesn't sound very caring or concerned about you.
If you become dependent on him do you think he'd like that? Could that be his aim?

Keep calm and try and talk him through your thoughts,your reasoning etc and if he acts like he's not listening not caring not going to change then you need to consider your options regarding if he's right for you.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 29/04/2024 11:55

Dietstarts · 29/04/2024 06:53

We do roughly 50/50 childcare but he works 6 days a week most week to get in the OT so I guess it's not quite 50/50.
Household chores/mental load is not split 50/50 which was the other side of the arguement. He feels it is, I don't feel so. That made him fly off the handle and tell me to 'F OFF'.

I suspect that if you start paying attention and noting it all down you'll find its a lot less 50/50 then even you realise and that the mental load is mostly yours to carry. Unless you also work 6 days that's a day's worth of overtime he couldn't earn without you doing more than a fair share of everything home and child related. Unless that is he looks after DC several evenings on his own or does the vast bulk of care on day 7? If you are spending more time caring for DC then he is because or his working hours then you are directly contributing to his ability to work those hours.

This response tells you where you stand, he's not even willing to give you the time of day and is happy to leave you skint and handling enough of the load he can do his overtime and earn more money off your back.

Original poster
Dietstarts · 29/04/2024 11:56

Thank you for all the different views. Mortgage wise we're tennants in common (I think that's the correct term?). We both have an equal share.

I feel really sad this morning, just come in to the loos at work for a cry! I'm struggling to see a way forward today.

OP posts:
DoYouSmokePaul · 29/04/2024 12:01

I’m not trying to be harsh but the way he is acting is not the way you act when you love someone. He’s selfish. He doesn’t give a shit about you. You’d be better off without him, sweetie. Sorry if that’s not helpful but this is no life for you. He told you to fuck off, that is abuse in my eyes.