Money in a relationship

[Dietstarts]

Long time MN-er but I've NC for this post.

Before anyone starts on me I know I'm in a vulnerable position being unmarried and I've put myself there. But here I find myself so I need advice on the situation please.

Been with DP 9 years, 2 DC. We've just had another row about money. We keep separate finances and pay 50/50 in to a joint account for shared bills. I'm struggling financially, our costs have increased significantly lately with me going FT meaning we pay for wrap around care now. Mortgage has also increased along with other bills like everyone else's!

I asked if we could pay in to our joint account proportionally to our income. This would mean he pays more as he earns more. He is very annoyed at this suggestion because he feels he's being penalised for earning more and thinks I should earn more as that would solve my money woes (easier said than done).

He says I've 'chosen' to earn less because I left my PT job I wasn't enjoying. I now work more hours at a lower hourly rate but I bring home more... and I'm happy. I like my new job. But am I being unreasonable?

Either way it seems like I will have to pay 50% forever more so do I leave the job I love and find something that pays more or just suck it up and stick to the job I like and have very little disposable income after bills. (I've already lined up a second job 3 evenings a week but things will still be tight my end and I'll still be earning a lot less than him).

Thank god you both own the house.

What are your thoughts on leaving the job you enjoy and changing to something higher paid (you mentioned this earlier in the thread)

Putting aside this issue, do you think your relationship is broadly good? Because if it is, then I think the challenge is getting him to see things from another perspective. Sometimes, I find that writing this down for Dh can be better - allows him to read and absorb without getting defensive or me getting angry. So could you write down some of the points here - the salary sacrifice you have made, the free childcare you have done, the increased mental and physical load of the household/childcare tasks etc.

However, that only works if deep down you are both equally committed to solving the problem. And it's not entirely clear that's true from what you've said so far.

'penalised for earning more?' what an idiot?
Err no, flip it round, you are fortunate that you can earn more and take the pressure off your family.
If you weren't working and all the pressure was on him I'd have little sympathy, but you are working a fair amount of hours per week in a job that is good for you, you are good at, and it is good for your MH. It's not your fault it is a job that pays less, that's how it is. He needs to wake up and stop being petty.

You need a will, stating what you want to happen to your half.(in event of you not being able to say)

If he's financially tight then a will makes sure your children get something (you may need a letter aswell as the will)

How does he treat you otherwise?
Stay strong , talk to a trusted person irl